February 14, 2016

So today is Valentine’s Day. It’s the day when Americans everywhere expect to spend time with their significant other, possibly exchanging flowers or gifts. I knew Diego wasn’t big on holidays. I wasn’t even sure he understood the significance of Valentine’s Day since I’m the first girlfriend he has had in the US. I tried to explain last night, but he was either not understanding me or didn’t care. I’m not sure which.

I’ve been getting a lot of my to do list done lately. My apartment is so clean, I have actually started de-cluttering some of the places that I have hidden clutter. I have been paring down my work to-do list. I have been steadily making progress on my biggest knitting project ever. And I have been editing the hell out of my blog from the past year to turn it into the book I have been talking about.

I have gotten as far as last March. Reading about the beginning of my relationship with Bryan, it made me spend a lot of time thinking about me and Diego. The beginnings started very similarly. Both of them were people I initially wasn’t intersection in. Both of them I had sex with on the third date. Both of them I initially had very little in common with. That’s where the similarities ended. Firstly, Diego is the first person I have ever dated that I am actually comfortable calling a man. Yes, I have spent a lot of time dating younger guys. I dated guys who were responsible with good jobs but never was I comfortable calling them a man until Diego. Maybe it’s because he’s the oldest guy I’ve ever dated at 39. I don’t know.

We still don’t have a lot in common. I love to read, write, hike, do crafts, draw, and play the guitar. He likes movies and watches TV in his spare time. One thing I do admire is that he loves to learn new things just like I do. He also likes just hanging out at home and hangs out with people less than I do. But this is really the first time I feel like I’m in an “adult relationship”. Yes, I’ve bad relationships as an adult with other adults. However, this is the first one where we didn’t blow off our responsibilities to see each other. The first one where I see him occasionally and have a life and many other focuses other than him. Sure, I write about him a lot, but that’s because I find him, the language, and his culture interesting. It’s also because there’s not much else to write about. I try not to divulge much about my friends because I don’t want them recognizable. I have done the same things at work for the past seven years, albiet at different jobs, so that part of my life is too boring to write about. I do talk a lot about getting things done, which I do spend a lot of time doing, but really Diego is the new and interesting entity in my life.

Because I wasn’t going to be seeing Diego today, I took myself out to the movies and saw How to be Single. The trailers made it look like a stereotypical movie where it’s all about girl power and single women acting like “typical” single men. I don’t know what made me want to see it, but it was so much more. It portrayed women in various forms of singleness. I identified a lot with one of the main characters. She gets caught in the “dicksand” whenever she enters a relationship. She just gets sucked into it and the guy. She completely loses herself in it and becomes boring. That’s a lot like me. I feel like that’s me. I’m trying not to let it be. The fact that Diego and I really only see each other once or twice a week for our “dates” of movies and sex, has helped in that. He also doesn’t tend to make plans with me in advance. As a result, I just make my own plans each weekend, trying to leave a little free time. If he can’t see me during that time, I get stuff done.

One other part that I really identified with of the movie was where one of the main characters states that if she died in her apartment, at least she’d have a food source for her cats for the eight weeks it took for somebody to find her. That’s one of my biggest fears when I was single. Still is, since I don’t live with Diego.

I also spend a fair amount of time wondering if our relationship is healthy or not. We really don’t do much other than watch a movie and have sex. Sure, we hang out on the train, but as soon as he gets his car fixed, I will only see him once or twice a week. I wondered if that’s healthy for an adult relationship. Dating as an adult seems to be very different. At first I wondered if he was using me for sex, but he seems to enjoy the talking and cuddling during the movie. It’s not like Bryan where we couldn’t finish a movie because we can’t keep our hands off each other. It seems like a good balance, I think. But I also don’t know what’s right or how to proceed. At what point do things move along? At what point do you move in? At what point do you realize it’s never going to work and I need to move on? He’s calmed down about pushing for sex, which was my biggest apprehension. He also doesn’t seem to want to do anything with me other than eat, watch movies, talk, and have sex.

I have also been doing some strength training. For some reason, the thin women in the movies gave me added motivation to lose weight. I guess the media had worked again. I really do need to lose the weight though. My body just doesn’t do what I want it to anymore. And Diego has been talking about wanting to do a sex video. I don’t mind, but I just wish my body would look better for it!

Update on February 3, 2016

Well, Diego and I made up. It was the weirdest thing. He sent me an invite to Skype, which was not that unusual. He could tell I wasn’t happy. I explained that I had been angry for most of the day. He was also happier than I had seen him in a while. He told me he got the part for his car that day. He said he was going to try and fix it tomorrow so he could see me this weekend. That instantly melted my anger and I started to feel better. By the end of the call, I was smiling.

The next day on the train, we were both happier than we had been in weeks. We were smiling, joking, and doing silly things to make the other laugh. I remembered why I liked him so much. When I got home, I received the corrected divorce papers! I had started to think I wasn’t going to get them. I had actually despaired of it yesterday. It seemed like things really were looking up right after things looked so bleak the day before!

February 3, 2016

Well, it took me three whole days of not writing before I can decided I had something to write about. I was stressed out on Monday. Due to my Sunday depression, I didn’t finish all of my grades which were due Monday. So, cue more art documentaries during my classes so I could finish everything up. I was relieved to be done with them.

I thought about my experiment and how far I had come and how many things I still needed to work on. My apartment was usually in decent shape now, even though there are still a few cluttered areas that will need some work when I get some free time. I still struggle with brushing my teeth regularly and following any decent kind of diet. And finally, I am still having problems in relationships. I am always unsure when I am being too forgiving or when I’m not being understanding enough. I also am struggling to find local friends.

I decided to spend money to pay someone to help me lose weight. I post my food intake, my exercise, and my weight on the website and he supposedly helps me through it. I don’t know how well it’s working so far. I have eaten what I wanted the past two days. He send me a text commenting on it, but I haven’t looked at it yet.

Yesterday, I had a reasonably good day. I sat with Diego in the morning. Despite him trying to sleep, we actually spent some time doing silly happy types of things together. He seemed moderately happier. My day at work was good too! Then I got a parent email bitching about the part her child had in my dance production. I have no idea why, but it completely turned my day around. I had absolutely no desire to finish my lesson plans for the week, even though they were due today. I got food that was bad for me and really did nothing productive with my time. The weirdest part was the emotion I felt. It was like I was doing a balancing act between depression and anger. One minute, I felt a blinding rage for no apparent reason. I wanted to hit something. I wanted to hurt someone. Then I felt a crippling depression where I was blinded by tears. This dichotomy occurred every few minutes. I didn’t know what to do with myself or how to react. All I could do was stare at social media, try not to answer posts in an asshole-ish way, and try to keep myself from doing anything stupid. Chandra called asking if I would see her sometime this weekend. I texted Diego to see when we would hang out so I could schedule Chandra around him. I never got a response. I stayed up later than I should and finally was able to get to sleep.

Today, I awoke and saw Diego’s response. He would not see me all weekend. He would be too busy fixing his car and doing his laundry. I was hurt and angry all at once. I told him I missed him. That I missed his hugs and kisses and asked if maybe we could see each other another day. He said no. I felt like he was staying away deliberately. I wondered if it was because I had my period right now and asked him. He denied it and just said sometimes there were things he needed to do. I replied, yes, there are sometimes things that needed to be done.

I felt like I had given him the benefit of the doubt. I was kind to him throughout his anger and depression. And now I was pissed off. He surely wouldn’t be working on his car throughout the entirety of Saturday and Sunday, even though it is a complex replacement. If nothing else, he wouldn’t be able to work on it in the dark. There had to be something else going on. And he clearly wasn’t telling me what it was. I saw him as yet another guy who suddenly stopped wanting to be with me, even though he said he missed me too.

I felt just as badly as I had the day before. I contemplated calling in today. I certainly couldn’t teach with this boiling rage inside me. What if I took it out on a child? I didn’t care about my job, but the imaginary child who I could possibly hurt with my rage. Then I realized I had already called in twice in the past month. I couldn’t possibly take another sick day. I decided that I needed a cigarette to calm me down. Instead of a regular cigarette, I bought a disposable e-cigarette. It didn’t have the same calming effect as a real cigarette, but it helped. I had a decent-ish day at work.

My rage returned after work, mostly without the depression. I sucked on the e-cigarette a lot and it didn’t really work well. This morning, I was contemplating staying away from and ignoring Diego until he respects me, my time, and my emotional needs enough to give me some of his time. Spending time with me shouldn’t have to be the sort of thing I have to convince him to do. I wasn’t sure what else I was going to do beyond that, but I felt like avoiding him. I still couldn’t figure out why. Even so, it was still a conscious decision involving willpower when he texted me after work. He said, “Hello, love, how are you? How did your day go?”. It was difficult not to respond. I had an internal debate in my head, trying to figure out whether or not I was acting rationally. Well, I did already try to talk to him about it and I already tried to explain my feelings on the matter it didn’t work. I wondered if I was acting like a spoiled child throwing a hissy fit because I didn’t get my way or if I was legitimately justified. I needed an outside opinion, but I didn’t know who to even ask. I felt confused and alone.

I welcome any comments with advice you may have.

January 31, 2016

I awoke early to the chorus of cats who are used to being fed at the early time that I get up for work. I forced myself to go back to sleep. When I did, I dreamed I was in a church compound. I never ended up inside the Church itself, just various rooms and hallways surrounding it. In my dream I had realized that I was in love with a man in a wheelchair and spent the entirety of my dream searching for him and never finding him. Some time spent with a dream dictionary taught me that I’m still looking for the reason I’m still emotional around my hiking group, but I didn’t find it yet.

I also felt lonely when I awoke. Diego complained that I’m often busy on weekends. He’s right. I usually have at least one day where I have plans with someone. I feel like we really haven’t interacted in a positive way very much recently and started to worry and wonder about our relationship. I realize that we have no real hobbies in common and he has no real interest in being a part of anything in my life that does not involve watching movies, eating out, and having sex. I am so much more than that. I don’t expect him to join my spiritual group, but conceding to go for a hike, meet my parents, meet my friends, or do something different and fun with me would be nice. Could I really have a long term relationship with someone who wants to be with me, but has no interest in the rest of the people in my life? He has never invited me out with his friends, so maybe it’s a cultural thing? I don’t know. It was almost noon before I even got out of bed.

I decided to forget about my diet and make my favorite food of all time, which I’m sure is against every diet known to man. My recipe makes a lot, so I sent Diego a text inviting him over for dinner. After I sent the text, I put two and two together and realized it was probably my one day of depression that I get instead of PMS. Considering the last time he was around when I experienced it and the fact that we essentially broke up for two days because of it, I should probably not be around him. I worried about it and wondered if I should retract my offer. Two hours passed by and I hadn’t heard from him, so I texted him asking him how he was. He wasn’t good. He was feeling depressed about his car and didn’t want to come over tonight. I was relieved, but also worried about him. At the same time, I cared about him more than ever. To have a man who admits that he’s depressed and knows himself well enough to know what he needs because of it was amazing to me. I don’t even recognize when I’m depressed half the time until after the fact. And to heat him speak of it openly with me was amazing. I hope I can do the same with him without fear as well!

My grades were due tomorrow, so I spent most of the day working on them. It was difficult because I kept getting distracted. I was kinda glad that Diego wasn’t coming because it was clear that I had more work to do with my grades than I initially realized. I did what I could, but also discovered that I had left some papers that were necessary to grade at work. I had to take the early train tomorrow and scramble to finish grading everything so I could get them I’m by the end of the day.

Around supper time, I got a video chat request from Diego. He was laying in bed and not moving. He had apparently not eaten since breakfast. I offered to bring him some of my leftovers, but he wasn’t a fan of the food that I cooked. I offered to buy him food and drop it off. He conceded. He didn’t seem too badly depressed, at least not compared with my episodes of major depression. He smiled a few times and at least one of them seemed genuine. I was relieved that it was just an emotion and nothing more serious (like him wanting to take an action because of his emotion). I wondered why he couldn’t exert himself. But I reasoned that he didn’t have my experience with depression where I wished for death to end my suffering yet still was able to force myself out of bed anyways. But I also hoped he never had to get as intimately acquainted with that emotion either.

I also realized that I needed to add the February focus onto my Unearthing Happiness website. I finished that around 9:30, but didn’t go to bed because I spent the time perusing Facebook instead. I need to end my addiction to social media!

January 30, 2016

I awoke early, but left a half hour later than I wanted to. I had only gotten about 4 hours of sleep last night and the lack of sleep all week was finally starting to catch up with me. I had to stop multiple times for caffeine and for something to munch on to keep me awake for the trip. I had almost arrived when I felt the caffeine kicking in. I was only a few minutes early for his speech. I saw a few friends I hadn’t seen in a long time. It was good to see them! I sat alone for his speech and cheered with everyone else at the end. He always was a good speaker and told stories in such a way that I could happily listen to his stories more than once!

I chatted with him, congratulating him and the like. I found myself getting weepy. I even actually cried for a little bit. I couldn’t figure out why. I had encountered nobody that I had bad feelings with. I had had no bad encounters. I didn’t even have any moments where I was left alone to feel like nobody wanted to talk to me. In short, all my previous theories as to why I felt like this at hiking events were shot to shit. I had no idea why I felt like this or why! On the way out, I said goodbye to some friends who I hadn’t seen in a long time, but didn’t know why, because they only lived an hour away.  I explained what was going on with me and why I had been avoiding everyone. I told them I didn’t understand why I got overemotional because during the rest of my live, my emotions have calmed down quite a bit. They understood, but I realized how much I had missed them. I resolved to see if we could hang out sometime, outside of our hiking group.

I drove home, by way of my mom’s house. I stopped there for dinner and to borrow their code scanner for my car. My check engine light had been elusively popping on and off at random intervals. I wanted to borrow it so I could catch it while it was on and I hadn’t driven too many miles. I also wanted to borrow it for Diego, whom I knew needed one. I didn’t stay long and arrived home around 8pm. I fed my cats and went to bed.

January 29, 2016

The only description to the way I felt today was TGIF! I woke up late and had to eat a convenience store breakfast. Diego was again angry on the morning train. He kept to himself and I kept to myself, but I felt for him. I wondered if the anger was a bad sign for the future or it was a good sign that despite his anger, he was always kind to me. He was annoyed that he didn’t get his part yesterday even though the order tracking said it was out for delivery. He complained and called them liars. I thought about explaining the situation and how the tracking for shipping works wearied me, so I let him rant and be angry. I wondered if it was being _______ to keep him in ignorance because I didn’t want to take the trouble of explaining it to him. We were both so preoccupied that the train had stopped at the connecting station and we hadn’t noticed! He pointed it out and we both pushed past people towards the doors before they closed. When we got inside the station, we both laughed so hard at the situation!

My classes all went well today and I had a good day, but I just couldn’t wait until I was done with work and the weekend was here. I ordered the pizza for lunch because I didn’t have the time to even pack a lunch.

I made sure to leave work to get on the earliest train possible to get home. I was ready for the weekend. I worked on an ongoing knitting project. It’s a complex project that I intend to give out next Christmas, so there was no hurry to finish it. I texted Diego asking him if he wanted to hang out tonight, but didn’t hear back. I assumed he got his car part and was working on his car tonight.  I did a few things around the house when I got home and then climbed into bed for an early night.

It was about 9:00 and I was reading in bed. I had to wake up early to go to that hiking convention for Zak.  I thought I heard a knock on the door. I mistook it for the wind even though there were no tree branches that would even touch my apartment. I received a text from Diego saying that he was here. I was pleased that he thought he’d be welcome to just show up, but I was tired and needed to get up early the next day. He had received the part for his car and put it in, so he drove his car over. On the way, the part stopped working and he had the same problem as before. He was angry again. I listened to him rant about it and helped him buy an OEM part, to be sure the next one would work and would fit. He must have calmed down after awhile, because we had sex. I fell asleep in his arms. He awoke me a few minutes later to tell me he was leaving. He knew how early I had to leave the next day and he wanted to drive when there was little traffic on the road so he could go slowly. I immediately went to sleep.

January 28, 2016

I again got many things done in the morning before I left. Diego was on the train again, though he mostly seemed interested in trying to sleep. I tried to pull out some work that I needed to do, but my computer died. I sat there kind of zoning out until we reached our destination. The walk to work was oddly meditative today. I arrived in a state of peace and serenity. It was a day with my worst behaved classes, plus my dance rehearsal, so I knew it would be a long day. I would need every bit of that peace and serenity.

I didn’t expect for my day to go so well. My tough classes started off with problems, but eventually the kids settled down and mostly behaved themselves. My dance rehearsal went well too, but I didn’t get far enough and I’m starting to worry that I wouldn’t get through all of the choreography in time. I tried not to worry about it too much as I walked back to the train station. I had a text from Diego stating that he would be on the train before mine. I would be two minutes too late. Then something happened and the train was running late, so I got to it on time and ended up seeing Diego.

He wasn’t himself. He was angry about the situation with his car. His part that he had ordered would not be there today, even though that was the original estimate. He took it out on his phone a lot by tapping it with excessive force. He got annoyed with his phone when it took too long to do something. He was very clearly angry. Despite all of this, he never took any of it out on me and even made effort to speak to me kindly. I was uncomfortable because I didn’t know what to do for him in his emotion. I left him alone and tried to help him when he asked for it.

I had planned to fall asleep when I got home because I hadn’t had a good nights sleep all week. However, my mother called and I ended up talking to her for a while. I still got to sleep at a comparatively reasonable hour.

January 27, 2016

I got up and meditated before doing everything else I needed to do this morning. I spent my morning commute with Diego on the train. It was nice. I had missed seeing him. I felt ambivalent about it. On the one hand, I enjoyed my time with him. On the other hand, I got nothing done on my commute. Even so, I had missed seeing him, even though we didn’t talk much. I tried to work on finish my knitting. I was so close to finishing.

I had a difficult time on the train todabed.When I got on my connecting train, it filled up quickly as usual. By the second stop, it was packed full. There was only one empty seat and someone’s bag was placed there protectively. I wondered what happened to common courtesy. I mused that it must not be so common anymore. There were a number of people standing because there were no seats. Then when I went to get off of the train, the crowd trying to get on had closed in so that I couldn’t exit. I literally had to shove people aside, saying “Excuse me,” loudly as I pushed people out of my way. Then as I tried to enter the corridor over the tracks, the influx of oncoming people kept using the one of the two doors closer to me. They left me no room to enter the corridor. Finally, after watching the 8th person not let me in, I finally walked in regardless of the person trying to get out. I ended up getting stuck in a door with a teenager in some kind of school uniform. I told her there was another door and suggested that she use it. I, on the other hand, could not use it because of the steady stream of people was blocking my way.

As I walked to work, I tried to let go of the annoyance with my commute. I told myself that I wouldn’t allow a bad morning ruin my day. And I didn’t. I had a good day. I ended up on the train home with Diego as well. He mostly tried to sleep so I attempted to finish my knitting.

When I arrived home, I got a message from my ex, stating that he had checked with his lawyer and the stipulation didn’t need to be made. I told him I believed my lawyer over his lawyer and wouldn’t sign the document unless it stated what I had asked. I did not hear back from him, so I didn’t know if he was planning to fix it or not. Since he seemed to have some kind of motivation to get divorced all of a sudden, I hoped that his motivation would last him long enough to get us to the end of this process.

I felt kind of depressed after this, so it took me a while to get out my knitting. It took me until 10:00, but I finished it. I was very pleased with myself and having it be finished. I went to bed.

January 26, 2016

I awoke late again today, but I had already planned to drive to work. I had that appointment with a lawyer today to look at my divorce papers. It was an expensive consultation, but it seemed like all the divorce lawyers who had free  consultations had absurdly high litigation rates. I didn’t want someone who was going to go to trial over a divorce where we both want it and nobody is contesting it.

I was even more tired today. I told myself I would finish my knitting on my free period and mail it out at lunch. I don’t know what I did during my free period, but I had little time left for knitting and I didn’t get very far. My classes went well. I again gorged myself on food at lunch.

I got to the lawyers office only to be told I was a half hour late. Luckily she was still there and able to see me. The consultation took all of 10 minutes. Everything was in order except for one thing that was missing. I paid her the exorbitant fee and left. I contacted my ex and told him what needed to be done. He said he’d take care of it and send it out on Thursday. I was happy and relieved to get it taken care of.

Diego came over. I fell asleep on him while watching a movie. I awoke and he teased me about falling asleep. We had sex, then I drove him home. I went to sleep as soon as I got home.

January 25, 2016

I was extremely tired when I woke up. I had decided to drive to work today, mainly because I hit snooze in my sleep so many times that I had no other choice if I wanted to get to work on time. I brought my knitting and worked on it during my prep period and lunch.

I had a good day at work, but I was tired. I also ended up not following my diet today. I told myself it would just be a small packet of cheese-its from a vending machine. Then I grabbed a pudding cup when I was on lunch duty. Then I bought lunch, including three cookies instead of eating the healthy lunch that I packed for myself. Then when I was done eating my unhealthy lunch, I ate a lot of my healthy lunch too. I was like an eating machine.

Diego hadn’t texted me since Saturday and I started worrying about things with him. I half suspected that I might just be tired and depressed and that was causing me to overreact. I checked my phone and saw that I was right. There was no good morning text because he was busy driving. I hadn’t seen him because neither of us took the train. I only saw him for an hour and a half this weekend. I wondered if things were fading between us. I texted him back and he said he was busy and that he would text later. He used one of the endearments he usually does, so I paused to consider that.

I left work early. When I arrived home, I saw Diego had left several texts when I was driving. There was something wrong with his car and he had to pay to get it towed home. I told him if there was something I could do to help, I would. He said he had already ordered the necessary parts. I spent the rest of the night bent on finishing my knitting project for Zak. I felt like I was very close when I saw it was 10:00 and told myself I could finish the rest tomorrow.