February 3, 2016

Well, it took me three whole days of not writing before I can decided I had something to write about. I was stressed out on Monday. Due to my Sunday depression, I didn’t finish all of my grades which were due Monday. So, cue more art documentaries during my classes so I could finish everything up. I was relieved to be done with them.

I thought about my experiment and how far I had come and how many things I still needed to work on. My apartment was usually in decent shape now, even though there are still a few cluttered areas that will need some work when I get some free time. I still struggle with brushing my teeth regularly and following any decent kind of diet. And finally, I am still having problems in relationships. I am always unsure when I am being too forgiving or when I’m not being understanding enough. I also am struggling to find local friends.

I decided to spend money to pay someone to help me lose weight. I post my food intake, my exercise, and my weight on the website and he supposedly helps me through it. I don’t know how well it’s working so far. I have eaten what I wanted the past two days. He send me a text commenting on it, but I haven’t looked at it yet.

Yesterday, I had a reasonably good day. I sat with Diego in the morning. Despite him trying to sleep, we actually spent some time doing silly happy types of things together. He seemed moderately happier. My day at work was good too! Then I got a parent email bitching about the part her child had in my dance production. I have no idea why, but it completely turned my day around. I had absolutely no desire to finish my lesson plans for the week, even though they were due today. I got food that was bad for me and really did nothing productive with my time. The weirdest part was the emotion I felt. It was like I was doing a balancing act between depression and anger. One minute, I felt a blinding rage for no apparent reason. I wanted to hit something. I wanted to hurt someone. Then I felt a crippling depression where I was blinded by tears. This dichotomy occurred every few minutes. I didn’t know what to do with myself or how to react. All I could do was stare at social media, try not to answer posts in an asshole-ish way, and try to keep myself from doing anything stupid. Chandra called asking if I would see her sometime this weekend. I texted Diego to see when we would hang out so I could schedule Chandra around him. I never got a response. I stayed up later than I should and finally was able to get to sleep.

Today, I awoke and saw Diego’s response. He would not see me all weekend. He would be too busy fixing his car and doing his laundry. I was hurt and angry all at once. I told him I missed him. That I missed his hugs and kisses and asked if maybe we could see each other another day. He said no. I felt like he was staying away deliberately. I wondered if it was because I had my period right now and asked him. He denied it and just said sometimes there were things he needed to do. I replied, yes, there are sometimes things that needed to be done.

I felt like I had given him the benefit of the doubt. I was kind to him throughout his anger and depression. And now I was pissed off. He surely wouldn’t be working on his car throughout the entirety of Saturday and Sunday, even though it is a complex replacement. If nothing else, he wouldn’t be able to work on it in the dark. There had to be something else going on. And he clearly wasn’t telling me what it was. I saw him as yet another guy who suddenly stopped wanting to be with me, even though he said he missed me too.

I felt just as badly as I had the day before. I contemplated calling in today. I certainly couldn’t teach with this boiling rage inside me. What if I took it out on a child? I didn’t care about my job, but the imaginary child who I could possibly hurt with my rage. Then I realized I had already called in twice in the past month. I couldn’t possibly take another sick day. I decided that I needed a cigarette to calm me down. Instead of a regular cigarette, I bought a disposable e-cigarette. It didn’t have the same calming effect as a real cigarette, but it helped. I had a decent-ish day at work.

My rage returned after work, mostly without the depression. I sucked on the e-cigarette a lot and it didn’t really work well. This morning, I was contemplating staying away from and ignoring Diego until he respects me, my time, and my emotional needs enough to give me some of his time. Spending time with me shouldn’t have to be the sort of thing I have to convince him to do. I wasn’t sure what else I was going to do beyond that, but I felt like avoiding him. I still couldn’t figure out why. Even so, it was still a conscious decision involving willpower when he texted me after work. He said, “Hello, love, how are you? How did your day go?”. It was difficult not to respond. I had an internal debate in my head, trying to figure out whether or not I was acting rationally. Well, I did already try to talk to him about it and I already tried to explain my feelings on the matter it didn’t work. I wondered if I was acting like a spoiled child throwing a hissy fit because I didn’t get my way or if I was legitimately justified. I needed an outside opinion, but I didn’t know who to even ask. I felt confused and alone.

I welcome any comments with advice you may have.

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One thought on “February 3, 2016

  1. Maybe it’s a bit of both of you. Not just all you or all him. He’s being a bit touchy in not wanting to spend time with you when he is grumpy, and you’re being a bit touchy when you’re taking it very personally. Put the two together and it feels much more magnified.

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