January 23, 2016

I awoke incredibly late today.  I couldn’t remember the last time I slept until 10am. I was groggy and it was already snowing.  I checked my phone and had a text from Diego.  He complained that there was too much snow to come and visit me.  I looked outside and saw that there was only a few inches on my car.  I also realized that while I had been driving in a few inches of snow since I got my driver’s license, he wasn’t used to it.

I had a long to-do list, a disgusting apartment, and that knitting project to work on.  I had to get it done by the 30th.  I hadn’t decided if I was going to give it to him in person or mail it.  There’s a kind of hiking convention on Saturday and Zak had been asked to be a key speaker at one panel.  It was an honor and I wanted to go to support him and give him the knitting.  However, it was a 4.5 hour drive each way and I would see my hiking group there. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to see them yet. Or I could finish it and mail it to him.  I shouldn’t have waited for so long to do what he had asked me to do in August.

I managed to get a fair amount of the knitting done in between my other chores. I started meditating today and even exercised! I danced. I haven’t danced in a long time and it was clear how much I missed it. That was the original way that I lost my first 20lbs of college weight before I was able to start running. I thought about trying again to follow my eating plan. I actually did today.

When I thought about today in advance, I pictured a calm day as the snow came down with me curled up on the couch, drinking tea, watching TV, and knitting. That wasn’t exactly what happened, but it was a good day. Diego texted me around 8:00 asking about my day. I told him what little there was to tell. He had spent his whole day on his bed watching TV and had even less to say. I went to sleep very satisfied with everything that I accomplished.

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Today I gave up my desire to finish my knitting and got many other things done.

Today I’m grateful that I was able to dance again, that I meditated, and that I got farther on my knitting.

I helped nobody today.

I spent no time in nature.

I spent no money today.

I slept for about 11.5 hours last night.

I meditated today.

I exercised today for about 15 minutes.

I followed my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was not showered and did not brush my teeth today.

I was feeling peaceful and calm today.  My temperament was good.

January 22, 2016

I had told myself for the majority of yesterday that I was going to call in sick today.  It was partially because I was so miserable and partially because I wanted a form of revenge for causing me to be so miserable.  I awoke feeling markedly better and decided to go to work anyway today. I chose to drive again, because I still wasn’t back to 100%, so I wasn’t sure I was ready to walk to work yet.

My day was good, but I just wanted to get it done and over with.  I still showed a lot of documentaries instead of really teaching much, but I made it through the day much more easily. I also called a divorce lawyer to look at the papers I was served. I was given an appointment for Monday. I was worn out at the end of the day, but I was at least in a good mood!  When I got home, I started a new knitting project, something that I had been putting off for awhile.  My good friend, Zak, who lives far away had asked me to make it for him.  I happily complied since he had always been there for me when I needed it, since we were in college.  I had been putting it off for two reasons, the first was that I had never tried a pattern like this before and the second was that it was so bulky, I couldn’t take it with me on the train.

I had plans to see several of my friends tonight. Diego said something about not being able to see me, but didn’t make too big a deal about it.  It’s always difficult to tell if he is truly annoyed or just joking.  I decided to assume that it wasn’t a problem because his tone of voice didn’t change when we discussed.

I had a good time with my friends, but found myself really stuck in my own headspace.  I didn’t really find interest in any of the conversations.  I couldn’t really even focus on the conversation, much less participate.  I still enjoyed playing the games and just seeing them.  I got home in time for Diego to come over, but he thought it was too late.  I tried to work some more on my knitting, but fell asleep trying, so I went to bed.

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Today I gave up my procrastination and finally started my knitting project.

Today I’m grateful that I was able to see my friends, get through the day, and work on my knitting project.

I helped nobody today.

I spent no time in nature.

I spent about $20 on food.

I slept for about 7 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was showered but did not brush my teeth today.

I was feeling happy and contented today.  My temperament was good.

January 21, 2016

I awoke feeling better.  I decided to drive to work since I figured walking in the cold to and from work wasn’t helpful to recovering from whatever was wrong with me.  I had decided to go to work because my older classes were all on a field trip, so I only had to teach three classes plus my dance rehearsal.  I still wasn’t back to perfect health, but I figured I could handle that much.  As soon as I got to work, my boss scheduled me to make up many of the classes I had missed yesterday so I had to teach seven classes plus my dance rehearsal after school. I wasn’t sure I could handle all of that.  I ran to the bathroom and started crying.  I was just so emotional and I didn’t feel well and I wasn’t sure I could handle it.  I debated whether or not I should confront my boss and let her know that I couldn’t handle it, or just wait until halfway through the day and just go home sick without any warning. I asked a coworker for advice and she recommended that I just have all of my classes watch art-related movies, mostly because my boss was in a very bad mood.  My boss is very moody and it’s well-known among the staff to avoid her like the plague when she’s in a bad mood.

I surprisingly managed to make it through the day, though I was very tired and out of it throughout the day.  In my dance rehearsal, I lost my temper on a student.  It’s not like I swore at her or anything, but I still was unkind and told her to shut-up.  The students all immediately were silent and were well-behaved for the remainder of the rehearsal.

I was in a miserable mood when I left work.  I just wanted to be held.  When Diego texted me asking if I wanted to see him, I immediately said yes. I told him about my bad day.  I wasn’t sure I was feeling up to having sex, but he didn’t mention it before he came over.  He drove over.  His presence immediately made me feel better.  He bought me something that I had needed, but stubbornly not bought because I could still use the old one, even if it was not ideal.  It was a very thoughtful gift!  Eventually, I was happier and surprisingly ready to have sex with him.  I fell asleep almost immediately afterward.  He woke me up when he prepared to leave, but I fell asleep not long afterwards.

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Today I gave up my belief that I couldn’t do something and tried to do it anyway.

Today I’m grateful that I was able to get through the day, for the advice of my coworker, and for Diego.

I helped nobody today.

I spent no time in nature.

I spent no money today.

I slept for about 8 hours last night, plus a few hours of a nap today.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was not showered and did not brush my teeth today.

I was feeling miserable for most of the day. Diego managed to pull me out of my mood at the end of the day.  My temperament was bad today.

January 20, 2016

I awoke feeling okay at about 3am.  I decided to call in sick to work.  I wasn’t any worse than yesterday.  I might even have felt slightly better than yesterday.  I also realized that today would be the best day to take off.  I had too much to do on Thursday and I had already taken part of a Friday off this month due to my flat tire.

Afterwards, I went back to sleep a few times.  I worked on catching up on my blog in between naps.  I drove to the local urgent care, feeling silly to be going there for a cold again.  I was surprised to find that I had a slight fever.  My ears were okay and my nasal passages were inflamed.  I was given a prescription for antibiotics and was told to buy a saline nasal spray. I was given a note for work and was told that if I wasn’t better after I finished the antibiotics to return.

I went home and surprisingly managed to fall asleep.  I nodded off a few times.  I must have been sicker than I thought.  I finally braved the nasal spray.  It felt very weird to shoot liquid up my nose and I wasn’t looking forward to having to repeat the process every two hours. The uncomfortable feeling in my nasal passages lingered for about 10 minutes afterwards.  I sincerely hoped that I would be well enough to teach tomorrow because I had rehearsal and I really didn’t want to have to give one up because every one counts towards making the performance better.

I awoke to a text from Diego.  I must have been out of it because I couldn’t understood a lot of his texts.  I wished I knew what he was trying to say. I think he was asking what he could do for me, but his spelling was off too much to figure it out.

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Today I gave up my need to get things done and tried to spend my time getting better.

Today I’m grateful that I was able to stay home to recuperate, that I decided to go to the doctor, and that I was able to do a little knitting.

I helped nobody today.

I spent no time in nature.

I spent about $20 on antibiotics and nasal spray.

I slept for about 8 hours last night, but it was broken up a lot.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was not showered and did not brush my teeth today.

I was feeling sick and out of it and my mood fluctuated. I just wanted someone to take care of me and resented having to take care of myself.  My temperament was good.

Q. O. D. January 20, 2016

What are you holding a grudge about?

For people judging before they know the circumstances. For people not doing what they say they are going to do. For people who lie.

For the most part, I forgive pretty quickly and easily. I find it easy to see things from other people’s points of view. As such, it sometimes takes me a while to get rid of assholes who seem well-meaning.

January 19, 2016

I awoke feeling sick again, but not sick enough to need to take the day off. I was barely in time for the later train with Diego. I was so out of it, we didn’t converse much. He suggested that maybe I should take a day off to sleep and get better. I seriously doubted my ability to get better in a single day. I also doubted my ability to make myself rest when I was feeling well enough to accomplish things on my to-do list. Diego’s ideas of natural remedies were interesting. He seemed to think that I needed to avoid the cold, to not go outside, or even drink cold drinks. He recommended a spoonful of rum (or other potent alcohol) mixed with a spoonful of honey before bed. He told me about a special kind of honey that doesn’t seem to have a translation in English and we couldn’t find a picture of it in Google images. He also recommended that I see a doctor.

I got to school though the walk was bitterly cold. I had a full conversation with the custodian in Spanish, which I was very proud of. I spoke with some of the teachers at school. One of the students was out with a fever and an earache with symptoms similar to mine. I mentioned that I started getting earaches, but that I had been coughing on and off since I was sick the last week before our winter break. She told me I really should see a doctor. Her advice, combined with what Diego said, made me actually consider it.

I couldn’t focus on work or anything else today. I had my students watch various art documentaries instead of teaching. I drank seven 12oz cups of tea and two 16 oz bottles of water and still felt dehydrated. It must have gone to all the fluids leaking out of my nose.

Every day for at least the last week I had told myself that I was going to get back on my eating plan. And every day, something undefinable happens and I don’t stick to it. I don’t even know why! As with the other days, but it didn’t take long before it all went to hell and I bought foods that were bad for me out of the vending machines. Then later in the day I bought more.

I spent the trip home with Diego. As soon as we sat down, he proudly pulled out his licence plates and registration! I was very happy for him. He said that the forms had been filled out so well that he just had to hand them in and pay. I can honestly say, I had never felt so good about filling out DMV forms before! He joked about having sex, but seriously said he wouldn’t want to actually do it with me tonight because I need to rest and get better. I thought that was sweet. Especially because sex seemed so important to him, that I think that’s why it struck me. For the first time in almost a week, I enjoyed his company as fully as I used to. We joked and flirted. I loved the feeling of his hand in mine again. He repeated his advice about tomorrow. I decided that if I were the same or worse tomorrow, I’d take the day off and seek a medical opinion.

When I got home, all I wanted to do was sleep. However, I got a package with the divorce papers in it! He wasn’t lying after all! I read through them and there was an unsettling part where I had to sign stating that I received some portions of the document that I didn’t receive. When I asked about them, he sent me PDFs. I wasn’t at all pleased with what it said. Basically, I couldn’t remove him from my retirement or life insurance policies without an additional written permission signed by the judge. We went back and forth, but didn’t come up with a good alternative. He seemed really anxious to get this divorce dome with. I wondered why he was so anxious all of a sudden. Maybe his parents were putting pressure on him. Maybe he wanted to marry his girlfriend. I tried not to be too curious. I went to sleep with the issue unresolved, but given his apparent desire to get it taken care of quickly, I was sure that he would find a way to make it work, and soon. I was surprised that I got to sleep so quickly, given all that had happened, but I was grateful that I could!

As I write this, I wanted to thank you all for some milestones that I recently achieved on WordPress. As of last week, I had 50 followers and as of the week before, I had achieved over 200 likes! I also already have 6 members of the Facebook group dedicated to people looking to improve their happiness the same way I did! And now I have my own Facebook “name” for those of you who want to get to know me rather than just read my stuff, a website detailing my plan for those who want to follow it to, and a Facebook group for those of you who want to talk to other people who want to follow the same plan I did.
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Today I gave up the idea that I could just sign a document and be divorced easily, but I want it done right.

Today I’m grateful that I got the divorce papers, that Diego got his plates and registration, and for all of you in WordPress land that have read and enjoyed this blog!

I did no acts of kindness today that I can think of.

I spent 30 minutes in nature.

I spent about $5 on snack foods, $19 on meals, and $10 on medication for my cold.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I exercised today for 30 minutes.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was not showered and did not brush my teeth today.

I was feeling sick and out of it, but was otherwise good. My temperament was good.

Q. O. D. January 18, 2016

What’s the most expensive thing you wore today?

What a silly question! My hiking boots cost over $100, unlike everything else in my outfit, which were all cheap or secondhand.

Or I could go deeper and say the most expensive thing I wore is my dignity. Because it came at a high price.

January 18, 2016

I awoke early to drive to the retreat center. I awoke feeling worse. As I drove, I debated whether or not I should turn the car around. I decided not to. I had already said I’d be there and this retreat center always made me feel emotionally and spiritually better.

When I got there, I kept falling asleep during the meditation and part of the class too. I looked around and saw Chandra on the other side of the room. She left before I could talk to her because she spent most of the day helping out in the kitchen. I saw some other people I knew there and chatted with them instead. I really didn’t get any wisdom out of the lessons because I was unable to focus. I did end up feeling emotionally and spiritually better when I left, for which I was grateful.

When I got home, I couldn’t focus on anything. I tried to update my blog, but couldn’t even focus on reading it, much less writing it. I decided to work on my website for helping others do what I did over the course of the last year. I had already written down what I wanted to do, so it was just a matter of copying an pasting. I got quite a bit farther, but it’s still not done yet. I have a feeling it will take a long time to complete. There are the goals for each month to create. Then there are the resources I wanted to create to help people adhere to their goals. Then there are a number of links to with research and other things that will help people with each months goal. It’s a lot to do. Plus there’s the need to finish my book. I wished I didn’t need sleep so I could get more done each day!

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Today I gave up the idea that I need to react to or understand everything. I realized that I can just be, and that is okay.

Today I’m grateful that I got to spend time at the retreat center, that I felt spiritually and emotionally better, and that I worked on my Unearthing Happiness website.

I did no kindnesses that I could think of.

I spent no time in nature.

I spent about $23 on gas and $15 on food.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I meditated today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was not showered and did not brush my teeth today.

I was feeling sick and out of it, but it was otherwise good.  My temperament was good.

January 17, 2016

I awoke early with a sore throat, runny/stuffy nose, a bit of a cough, and an earache.  I looked it up online, they’re all side effects of quitting smoking.  So is depression.  Maybe that’s why my mood has not been all that great lately.  I had to run to the grocery store and so I did it not long after I woke up.  I bought sinus medication to help with my earache.  I had never had any sinus problems previously.   When I returned from the grocery store, I checked my mail.  There were no divorce papers.  All I could hear was Diego’s voice in my head when we talked about the situation (complete with his accent), “I am thinking that he is making himself a liar.” As always, I had assumed that my ex was telling the truth.  I was raised among folks that meant what they said and said what they meant.  When they said they were going to do something, they did it.  When my ex-husband said he’d do things, I’d assume that he meant it.  Then when he didn’t, I’d get hurt and disappointed.  I never could learn not to take the things he said at face value. I also didn’t believe that I should have to.

I spent the morning cooking food for the week and getting various other things done.  In the early afternoon, I was catching up on my blogs when I received a text from Diego, wanting to come over to have me help him with getting his car insurance.  When he got here, he asked me to fill out all of his DMV paperwork for him.  He insinuated that the problem was mine for not checking the paperwork while he was buying the car last night. I thought my role had just been to give him a ride. I told him it wasn’t fair to blame me for something that wasn’t my fault. He explained that he blames himself because he didn’t communicate to me correctly what he needed. He had his friend drive him there to get the necessary paperwork signed earlier today.

I had just finished blogging about his behavior on Friday night when I was too tired for sex right before he came over, so I wasn’t feeling very happy with him. I kind of re-lived it as I wrote. I helped Diego with his paperwork, then helped him get his insurance situation squared away.  Afterwards, he seemed very grateful, very affectionate.  He asked me what was wrong.  I told him about my earache, so he suggested that we not have sex today. I found that ironic because of what happened the other night.  I explained to him that when I am tired and when I say “no” that it’s extremely disrespectful to try for more.  When he’s tired, he still wanted sex, but not always when he was sick. I realized that he judged me byhow he would act himself.  In fact, I suspect that he would enjoy being woken up for it. I repeated how disrespectful his treatment of me was and explained that no meant no.  His apology seemed heartfelt and said he wouldn’t do it again. 

We had sex. Afterwards we had discussed the differences between “puta” in Spanish and “bitch” in English. He explained that a puta is someone who has a lot of sex. I asked if a puta got paid for it and he said they could, but they didn’t have to. I concluded that a puta refers more to a “slut” or “whore” than to a bitch. That got us started talking about men and women and sex. He explained that in his country, marrying a virgin was ideal. I started attacking him for being sexist. He explained that it’s out of respect that you don’t have sex with a woman before she’s married. I asked if it’s okay for a man to have sex before marriage. I asked who the men were supposed to have sex with if it was disrespectful for women. He said it was because men couldn’t get pregnant. Then I realized that it was out of respect so they didn’t get the woman pregnant and leave since they really don’t use birth control there. I wondered if they couldn’t afford it, didn’t have access to it, or if it was looked down upon. I told him maybe if having sex is so disrespectful to the woman, maybe we should stop having sex. He stated that it was fine because we already started and I won’t get pregnant and he wants it. I teased him about it for a few minutes.

Then we got on another discussion about women’s and men’s roles in society. I told him that in America, if the men and women both work, they share the household responsibilities. He said that it’s the man’s job to provide for the family and the woman’s to cook, clean, etc. He said that if a woman works, they pay someone to clean the house and do the laundry, but that she’s responsible for cooking. I was on the point of saying that was bullshit and unfair when he started complaining about the men too lazy to do the dishes. I rethought my comment. I could cook if someone else actually did the dishes. But all the guys I had lived with before never did the dishes. I started to wonder if maybe he is less sexist than I originally thought at the beginning of this conversation.

I thought about what he had tried to do on Friday night after he left. There are two ways I could look at what he did. I could look at him as a jerk who tried to do stuff even though I didn’t want to or I could look at him as a guy with very little experience with women who just assumed that I would like the things that he would like. If he truly meant to push me into having sex with him, I think he would have gone a lot farther. For now, unless he continues or does something to prove otherwise, I am going to assume he’s just clueless about American women (or maybe women in general). He wouldn’t tell me how many women he had been with and seemed to think the question was extremely rude and inappropriate. It’s just as well. I’m sure he would think that the number of people I had slept with is high anyway.

I managed to finish my to-do list for the day! I was very excited about this and spent the rest of the night working on my knitting
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Today I gave up the idea that I could understand Diego right away. Because of the language gap, thing seem to need to be discussed more in depth than with other guys. But I kind of like that.

Today I’m grateful that I got so much accomplished, I talked to Diego about Friday night, and I think things are good with him again.

I helped Diego with his car paperwork.

I spent no time in nature.

I spent about $35 on groceries.

I slept for about 8 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I cleaned and straightened today.

I was not showered and did not brush my teeth today.

I was feeling sick and out of it and my mood fluctuated about Diego, but it was otherwise good. My temperament was good.

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