July 23, 2015

Okay everyone, this will be my last post for a while.  I will be gone for 16 days on my camping/backpacking trip and will be unable to post.  I will keep a journal, so I’ll post what happened on my trip retroactively.  I have a strange feeling that something big is going to happen there, I just don’t know what!  I hope it’s good!

I drove my cats to my mom’s house in the morning, then I wasted a few hours on the internet, mostly Facebook.  Finally, I started to pack my car.  Because the first week is spent stationary in a campground, everyone tends to go “all out” with fancy tents, camping gear, and food.  My car is completely stuffed with stuff in addition to my backpacking pack that I do not plan to even touch until the second week we are there!

An odd thing happened today.  I heard someone knocking on my only neighbor’s door.  Hoping it was my Coleman lantern being delivered early, I went to see what was going on.  It was someone from the internet company. I don’t recall if I mentioned it, but I called the local internet company a few weeks ago to start my service.  However, they were so expensive and sketchy about all of the personal information they wanted about me that I cancelled the service installation.  For some reason, they didn’t notify their tech person who had showed up today to hook me up with internet.  He was VERY cute.  He was tan with long black wavy hair.  We talked for quite a long time.  I did have to tell him that I didn’t want his internet, but he kept talking with me anyway.  We talked a lot.  He gave me his card and told me to call him if I wanted to change my mind about the internet or if I wanted to hang out sometime.  It seemed odd that he didn’t ask for my number, so I wondered if it was part of his strategy to sell me stuff.  I don’t know.  He WAS interesting to talk to.  Either way, I’m going to be gone for 16 days.  He also had to ask for my name again at the end of the conversation, even though he told me his cousin has the same name at the beginning of the conversation, so I doubt he was serious.   It did give me a nice reprieve from packing though!

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Relationships: I chatted  for a while with the internet guy.

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept 6 hours last night.

Exercise:  I packed my car.  I’m not sure if that is exercise or not.

Diet: I followed my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither today.

Hygiene:  I did neither today.

Mood and temperament: My mood was decent, despite my lack of motivation and energy.  I still got everything done, so that was good, at least.  My temperament was good.

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July 22, 2015

I spent the morning trying to get my address changed on my driver’s license.  There was an extremely long line, so I meditated while I was waiting.  I probably also got a few stares at my blank stare, but it worked to keep me from getting annoyed with my long wait.  It took me over an hour to get to the front of the line.  When I did, I just ended up being sent to a different line.  I was surprised that I didn’t get more frustrated than I did, but I’m glad I was as calm about as I was.  The poor workers there were trying to do their job.  They didn’t need me getting angry with them.  It wasn’t their fault there were too few of them working.

After lunch, I spent the rest of the day packing my backpacking pack.  I know that sounds a little ridiculous, but there is a lot of work and thought that really goes into it.  Specific items usually go in the bottom of the pack just like specific things usually go on the top.  A pack’s weight needs to be evenly distributed on both sides.  I also needed to be able to access certain things easily, so they had to be in a place that was easily accessible.  By around 5:30pm, I started getting frustrated.  I calmed myself down and re-did it a few more times and finally succeeded in packing it to the parameters I was looking for!

Now tomorrow I will just have to bring my cats to my mom’s house and pack my car.  Yes, the car packing will be a different kind of issue.  I think I previously explained that my trip is kind of cut in half.  The first week, we’re just camping in a campground, so I bring different things.  Since I won’t have to worry about weight, I can bring a lot more stuff, since we’re mostly just hanging around and often partying.  It’s a matter of getting all of those things in my car in addition to my backpack, which is now all ready to go!!!!

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Relationships: I chatted a bit with people on line to get my address changed.

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept 8 hours last night.

Exercise:  I did not exercise.

Diet: I followed my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither today.

Hygiene:  I did neither today.

Mood and temperament: My mood was decent, excepting my brief frustration in line and packing my backpack.  My temperament was good.

July 21, 2015

I got a lot done today.  I know it won’t sound like a lot, but I decided which clothing I was going to bring.  I weighed all of it, repaired what needed to be repaired, and sprayed it all with Permethrin, a tick-repellant.  I also had to be careful where I laid it all to dry because it was raining out and I didn’t want my cats to be affected by it.

I also made a list of everything that I thought I needed to bring, along with weight of each object.  My pack is sadly heavy so I wanted to keep everything else as light as possible.  The problem is I kept thinking about the things I might need for worst-case scenarios.  How much extra fuel should I bring for my new stove?  How much water should I pack?  How many condoms should I bring (if any)?   Would I really need a rain poncho?  A repair kit?  An extra blanket? A first aid kit?  A book to read at nights?   I already decided to bring a journal so I could write everything down so I can type it all up and post it to the internet when I get home.

I finally figured it all out and ended up with a total weight of just under 40lbs.  It’s not ideal, but my backpack is an old external-frame type that weighs 13lbs.  I spent all of my extra money on a new lightweight tent, stove, and sleeping bag.  At least my pack will be lighter than it was last year.  The standard backpacking wisdom is that the maximum that someone should carry is 1/3 of their body weight.  I’m still very far off of that total, thankfully.  One third of my body weight would be

I think it’s pretty obvious that I’m falling into an old pattern of focusing so much on one thing (preparing for this backpacking trip) and not focusing at all on everything else that I’m supposed to be doing.  Almost everything below has not been done at all by me for days.

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Relationships: I did nothing.

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept 7 hours last night.

Exercise:  I did no exercise

Diet: I followed my diet well today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither

Hygiene:  I did neither.

Mood and temperament: I was content today.  My temperament was good.

July 20, 2015

I ran a bunch of errands trying to pick up everything that I needed for my trip.  I also spent a while on the phone with Coleman.  I had ordered some tent stakes and a lantern.  They were in the same order, but I’m supposed to be getting the stakes tomorrow and I won’t get the lantern before I leave.  I called Coleman and they blamed FedEx for not picking it up for shipment.  FedEx stated that there was nothing they could do to get it to me more quickly since the post office was going to deliver it for me.  I have had many difficulties with FedEx, but have never had issues with the Coleman store before.  Their products are cheaper on their website than they are on Amazon.  However, with Amazon, I can expect it to arrive within the specified time.  So, now I will have to take my old lantern which is heavier and takes up more space.  When it comes to backpacking, it’s all about how heavy your pack is and what you can fit in it.  Needless to say, I was disappointed with the lack of helpfulness with both of those companies.  Neither offered a solution.  Sure, I’ll have the lantern for next year, but I had hoped for it this year.

I hate shopping in general, and today’s errands were no exception.  I don’t like being around many people for so long.  At least I managed to find everything that I needed.  I also made sure to test out all my new gear to make sure it all worked.  Because of my back issues, I wanted to make sure that I had everything I could possibly need in cause I fell significantly behind my friends, which I kind of expect to do.   Last year my boyfriend carried my pack for a lot of the time and helped me set up my tent each night too.  Since I don’t have a boyfriend, I need to rely on myself.  I’m honestly scared that I won’t be able to, but I guess giving up would be worse.

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Relationships: I talked on the phone with my mom.

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept 4 hours last night.

Exercise:  I did no exercise

Diet: I followed my diet well today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither

Hygiene:  I did neither.

Mood and temperament: I was feeling overwhelmed with all that needed doing, but I wasn’t sad or down or anything either.  My temperament was good.

July 19, 2015

I had brunch with a bunch of friends.  They’re about an hour away now, so that’s not too far.  It was good getting to hang out with them, but I couldn’t keep my mind off of my preparations for my camping/hiking trip.  It was my first time hanging out with people and I couldn’t keep my mind on them.  I tried to focus on what I they were saying.  It turns out I live rather close to Christine.  I mentioned it and she said that she lives a half hour away, so she’s not that close.  It really disappointed me because I had looked forward to hanging out with her more often since she was closer.

Dan was in the area so he came over.  We sat and watched movies.  It was the best way to get him to shut up.  I know that sounds very mean, but he can be very annoying.  He offered me some pot to smoke, but I found myself coming up with excuses not to smoke it.  I wondered if I had finally grown up enough to not want it.  I think it was also partially that I didn’t want to sleep with him again.  Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have sex with someone.  I’ve been especially wanting it this past week.  However, I should not have it with Dan.  I have a feeling he’s still stuck on me and the last thing I need to do is give him the wrong idea.  He asked to stay over.  I was thankful that I had cleaned enough that there would be room to use the pull-out couch!  Nothing happened with the two of us, so I guess my mission was accomplished.

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Relationships: I hung out with a group of friends and later Dan.

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept 6 hours last night.

Exercise:  I did no exercise

Diet: I followed my diet well today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither

Hygiene:  I showered, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood varied given everything that happened today.  My temperament was good.

July 18, 2015

I spent the day working on making my apartment ready enough for guests.  Dan is coming to visit me tomorrow and I wanted to make sure that it looked at least somewhat neat.  I don’t know what it is, but no matter who comes to visit, I want to make sure my place looks nice.  I still haven’t finished making my bookshelves neat or tackled the piles of stuff on my kitchen counters, but I wanted everything off of the floor and the floor to at least appear clean.  I don’t know if it’s perfectionism or something that was innately learned watching my mom vacuum the house whenever someone was coming over.  Maybe it’s a matter of pride.  I don’t know.

I started thinking about guys and my dating life today.  I realized that I think a lot more before I get involved with someone.  I also realized that I’m really not getting hit on a lot by random guys anymore.  That really stopped around the same time that I put on this extra weight.  It’s actually kind of nice to know that a guy likes me for me and not my body.  Sure, I get a lot less attention, but the guys who show me that attention are much better people, on average, than the sorts who seemed to be attracted to me before.  It’s nice to finally see an “up” side to my weight gain!

I know this sounds really weird, but I have this butterfly feeling in my stomach like something good is going to happen at my hiking/camping trip.  I also don’t feel like things with me and Frank are over, even though he hasn’t called or messaged me since then.  Maybe I’m just kidding myself because I need someone/something to hold on to.

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Relationships: I talked on the phone with my mom.

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept 7 hours last night.

Exercise:  I did no exercise

Diet: I followed my diet well today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did both

Hygiene:  I did neither.

Mood and temperament: I was feeling very lazy earlier in the day, but felt happy with all I accomplished later in the day!  My temperament was good.

July 17, 2015

Today marked the beginning of my preparation for my camping and hiking trip.  I spent most of the day playing around with my sister’s dehydrator to make lots of lightweight, preservable food for the hiking portion of my trip.

While I was cutting, seasoning, and preparing everything, I had a lot of time to think.  I really haven’t had many lasting friendships.  Part of the reason is the fact that I move around so much.  It also seems I don’t understand other people enough to be a good friend.  I don’t understand what other people need.  I never know what to say or do when someone is sad.  I’m often brutally honest, often when people don’t need to hear the brutal truth.  I know there are people out there who appreciate someone like me.  The problem is, how do I find them?  By the time most people get to my age, they already have friends.  I know the best way to get friends is to be one, but I often wonder if I truly know how to be one.

I found  this video today and it seemed to take a lighthearted approach to what I was thinking.  I could use a friend.

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Relationships: I talked on the phone with my mom.

Meditation:  I meditated today.

Sleep: I slept 8 hours last night.

Exercise:  I did no exercise

Diet: I followed my diet well today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did both

Hygiene:  I did neither.

Mood and temperament: I was feeling kind of down and lonely with my lack of friends.  My temperament was good.

July 16, 2015

I slept late today and then retrieved my cats from my mom’s house.  I got my oil changed in my car in preparation for my long drive next week.  I was very pleased to find out that my brakes were in good condition, so I didn’t need to have any work done on it.  I spent the rest of the day continuing to put things away to make my apartment look more homelike.  I still have a number of things to do and only a week before I have to leave for my big camping trip.

I did not hear from Frank today.  He saw what I wrote and did not comment.  He also did not call.  He seems very contradictory in his “affections”.  He says one thing and does another.  After many years of being fooled by words, I find that actions speak more truly.  I am disappointed.  I guess I should not believe words so readily and I will not be disappointed.

I also realized that I might have some problems on my camping trip.  Last year I had problems with my back.  The second week that we’re there, we all go backpacking.  We hike and then camp, then hike some more.  Anything we need, we carry on our backs.  Last year my back hurt so badly by the second or third day that I couldn’t set up my tent.  My boyfriend at the time ended up having to set up my tent and did everything for me.  What will I do this year?  I am not sure enough about my friendships with people to ask others to set up my tent for me.  I am afraid of not being self-reliant.  I also still want to go on the camping trip.  I cried about it.  I confided my fears to a friend who recommended a gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free diet.  I mostly follow that diet, but I still consume sugar and occasionally dairy.  I agreed to give it a try.

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Relationships: I spent time with my mom

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept 6 hours last night.

Exercise:  I did no exercise

Diet: I followed my diet well today, but I did eat some cheese.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did both

Hygiene:  I did neither.

Mood and temperament: My mood shifted a lot.  I was content for most of the day, but it fluctuated a lot in the evening.  My temperament was also good.

July 15, 2015

I awoke this morning in a  good mood, but it didn’t last.  My sunburn still hurt in several areas , so I still felt tired and lazy.  I also slept poorly.  I had a difficult time getting to sleep and it was even more difficult staying asleep.  That was odd because I rarely have problems sleeping.  I spent the morning packing my bags, albeit very slowly.  I kept getting distracted.

Then in the afternoon I decided to put myself out there.  I’m not sure if I should have or not, but I messaged Frank.  I told him I would like to get to know him better too and gave him my phone number.  Maybe I shouldn’t have put myself out there, but he said something first, so I guess I shouldn’t have been as afraid as I was.  I’m still afraid.  I’m afraid that this will turn out to be nothing just like all of the others.  I don’t know where I get my stubbornness from, but I can’t believe that after all I’ve been through I could actually try on the off chance that it could work out.  It’s like Thomas Edison said, “Many of life’s failures are experienced by people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

My flight was delayed, so I spent most of the rest of the day at the airport.  I finally got home around 2am.

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Relationships: I spent time with my dad and step-mom

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept ? hours last night.

Exercise:  I did no exercise

Diet: I followed my diet very well today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: n/a, I’m still not home.

Hygiene:  I showered yesterday.

Mood and temperament: My mood varied, but at least I my temperament was good!

July 14, 2015

Today my dad and step-mom had some plans for me, but my sunburn hurt so badly that I told them I just wanted to stay inside.  I was feeling off.  After lunch, I went go take a nap.  I lay there, somewhere in between asleep and awake for an amount of time that was difficult to discern.  It might have been minutes.  It might have been hours.  I finally did fall asleep.  When I woke up, I used the bathroom and laid back down again. Almost immediately I was in my state of in between again, with random images flashing through my head.  This whole thing lasted over 3 hours, but I am unaware of how many I actually slept.

We went out to dinner with some of their friends.  I also discovered that Bryan un-friended me on facebook.  I suppose it was to be expected.  Maybe he was having a difficult time sticking to his resolution of keeping away from me because he likes how I make him feel too much.  I am at the point where I have to laugh about that line of reasoning, so I guess that’s good!.  Well, that’s what I’m telling myself happened anyway.  It shouldn’t have, but it hurt a tiny bit.  To make myself feel better, I messaged Frank.  I wondered if initiating chatting with him two days in a row was too much.   But our camping trip will come soon enough.  I just hope he likes the person he gets to know.  I have so many flaws.  While my body isn’t ideal, I’m still pretty.  Hopefully that’ll make up for my personality flaws.

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Relationships: I spent time with my dad and step-mom

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept 6 hours last night.

Exercise:  I did no exercise

Diet: I followed my diet very well today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: n/a, I’m still not home.

Hygiene:  I showered today.

Mood and temperament: My mood shifted a lot, but I wasn’t depressed.  I was content for most of the day, but it fluctuated a lot in the evening.  My temperament was also good.