Pregnancy: Week 33

Saturday, June 3, 2017
I had offered to help a friend out today with a barbecue he was hosting.  We spent the majority of the day outdoors.  It was a relaxing day.  My help was mainly organizational, so I mostly spent the day sitting round outside under a sun shade.  Kyle brought me food and did anything that required a lot of physical effort.  By dinnertime, we arrived home.  I was sunburned and exhausted.  I spent the rest of the night napping and zoning out in front of the television set.  Kyle also resigned from his job today.  In all honesty, they weren’t scheduling him for many hours and the hours he did get were all for days he tried to take off, but was denied.

Sunday, June 4, 2017
I spent the morning with Chandra.  It has been a number of months since I have seen her.  I don’t know what I expected, but she asked for computer help again.  I am honestly getting tired of helping her out with the same things.  She wanted help with her e-mail again.  I used to feel good by helping her out, but I just felt exhausted.  This time, one of the things she needed me to do was beyond my computer expertise. I offered Kyle’s expertise since it would give him something to do.

Afterwards, we took my mom and step-dad out for dinner for her birthday.  Again, when I got home, I was so exhausted, I just laid down in bed and fell asleep.

Monday, June 5, 2017
It was back to work today.  I was extra tired, but I managed to get through it.  Stairs have been getting increasingly more difficult.  Because my art room is on the third floor of the building, I have to take a break in between flights!  I have had several people mention that they think I’m going to be going to deliver early because I’m so big.  They’re mostly coworkers, so I’ve tried to joke and smile about it.  However, I didn’t take it quite so well, internally.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017
Several of my classes were out on field trips, so I spent my time starting to clean up the bulletin boards in my classroom, finishing grading, and returning artwork to the students.  It felt good to be close to the end of the year, especially because I feel like I’m starting to carry my baby so big and heavily!

Wednesday, June 7, 2017
I have noticed recently that whenever a particular female friend of Kyle’s messages him on Facebook, he closes the window and doesn’t respond in front of me.  This morning my curiosity got the better of me and I looked up their conversations on his computer.  I went back a number of months.  The majority of the conversations were about little things and almost all were at her initiating.  It was clear to me that she was more interested in being his friend than he was in being hers.  However, there was one from a few months ago where she asked him (seemingly out of the blue) if he didn’t miss sleeping with other women.  He said “sometimes”.  Later on in the conversation, seemingly out of the blue again, he mentioned that she still gave the best blow jobs.  My heart exploded in my chest.  I felt crushed since he told me the same thing.  I woke him up and we talked about it.  He said that the thing about the blow jobs was an inside joke and that he was having dreams about sleeping with his exes at that point in time, which is why he answered how he did.  To be fair, later in the conversations when she asked how he was enjoying marriage (we have been keeping up the facade that we’re married so I could keep my job) and he said he was enjoying it.

Kyle and I talked, but I still felt a horrible pain inside my chest. On the way to work, I felt like my world was falling apart.  I thought he was a good person.  He was a guy who seemed to truly love me.  He cooked for me.  He massaged my feet when they were sore.  He seemed to really want this child and for us to be a family.  I started wondering how I could have this kid and look after it on my own.  I wondered if the reason the conversations were so sparse and out-of-the-blue was because he was deleting parts of them.  Was there even a way of finding out?

I arrived to work barely on time.  After the first two classes, I felt bad cramps really low down.  I also felt nauseous. I blamed the pregnancy, told my principal how I was feeling, and left early.  After a coworker asking how I was feeling, she insisted that I call the doctor right away.  I called the emergency number in my phone and got just a weird voicemail that sounded nothing like what I had expected it to.  I left a message and drove home.

When I got there, Kyle and I talked some more.  I had calmed down somewhat and so had he.  I was still really hurting over what he had written, but there was also the desire to be on good terms with him as well.  We held each other and cried and eventually we both drifted off to sleep.  I awoke to a coworker calling to ask what the doctor said.  I realized we slept most of the day away.   I also realized that I had programmed the emergency number wrong in my phone!  I was glad that I found out today! I dialed the correct number and waited for the call back.  In the meantime, my principal called me to see how I was doing.  As I hung up with her, I got the call back and they insisted that I come in.

We waited for a while and Kyle waited with me.  We got an ultrasound and they checked my cervix.  I was not told anything about what they saw except for the fact that there are no signs of preterm labor and the pain was coming from the separation of my pelvis.  The doctor explained that  everyone’s pelvis separates in preparation for delivery, but that few actually feel pain from it.   She didn’t say why mine hurt, but I suspected it was my age.  When we got home, I went to bed.

Thursday, June 8, 2017
I woke up in pain, but took my two Tylenol (the only painkiller I was allowed to take) and did my best to waddle around the apartment to get ready for work.  It was painful and took longer than usual.  I practically shuffled around the building, but I managed to “teach” all my classes.  With it being so close to the end of the school year, we really can’t start any new projects because the teachers never let me know when I will or will/not have their students.  I had the kids do free drawing today while listening to music.  I made them come to me if they had a question or wanted to show me anything.

Despite everything that happened yesterday, Kyle and I seem to mostly be back on good terms again. I can’t even begin to describe or fathom why, but I wasn’t complaining.  I was still hurting a little bit over it, but it wasn’t too bad.  I kept trying to tell myself all the things he was doing for me and how supportive he was of me.  It sort of helped.

Friday, June 9, 2017
I realized that maybe I should check to see if there were any other conversations that Kyle might have been having with other people that were inappropriate, so I went through a bunch of his other conversations on messenger and discovered nothing untoward.  I don’t know what’s the matter with me that I feel so suspicious or worried about him, but clearly he doesn’t deserve it.  I looked it up online and apparently it some sort of thing that pregnant women go through, like something their hormones spur on or something. We had a good night together.  He made an amazing dinner and gave me a foot massage before bed.

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Pregnancy: Week 32

Saturday, May 27, 2017
Kyle and I went to another hiking thing.  I am getting more used to not hiking.  Of course my ex-husband and his girlfriend were there.  At first, it affected me, but I did my best trying to keep in constant conversation with someone or other. By the end, it seemed like he was the one who felt out of place!  Maybe it’s mean of me, but I’m okay with that!  Even though most of the people there were more acquaintances rather than real friends, it helped me to feel more like I belonged there.  I hung out with the other women and their kids.  I used to be friends with several of them, but they dropped me not long after Tim and I broke up and I never knew why.  I tried to be as friendly as possible and tried to be friendly and not act injured.  I must have done succeeded because I felt like we started on the first steps towards repairing our friendship.

Sunday, May 28, 2017
I must have overdone it yesterday, because I was tired and out of it all day.  I literally spent the day  alternating between napping and zoning out in front of the television.

Monday, May 29, 2017
Because I was feeling better after resting so much yesterday, I got a lot done today.  Kyle and I went food shopping and ran a bunch of needed errands.  I’m not looking forward to going back to school, but I know it needs to be done.  At least the end is in sight with just about four weeks left of classes!

Tuesday, May 30, 2017
As always, I showed more documentaries in my classes today.  I was just so tired that I had no energy to do anything.  At least I didn’t fall asleep in class like I have done on other occasions! I also had my appointment with my endocrinologist today.  Apparently, if thyroid numbers change during a pregnancy, it’s usually in week 32.  We talked briefly.  Other than being dismayed at the fact that I gained 48lbs (my gynecologist didn’t even’t comment on it), he didn’t have much else to say.  I got my blood drawn and he told me to come back Friday for the results.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017
Today I had a slightly easier schedule due to some testing, but not by much.  I was able to get working on some of the grading that I needed to do, so that was nice.  I had my gynecologist appointment today.  They did an ultrasound and I got to see him!  She said that he’s about 4lb 9oz already!  I watched the ultrasound closely and it said that the head measurement was around the size typical for 33 weeks 5 days instead of 32 weeks 5 days.  She didn’t say anything and told me everything was fine and normal.  I took it as another sign that I’m going to deliver early.

Thursday, June 1, 2017
I had been dreading this day for a while now.  There was yet another student concert with another accompanying art show.  I know the idea was to have an art show with each concert showing off the work of the students who were a part of the concert, but it did seem like an awful lot of work and late nights for me!  My main goal was to just get through the day and night as well as I could.  Apparently, I did very well, but was exhausted by the time I got home.  I didn’t even want to eat, I just walked in and went right to bed!

Friday, June 2, 2017
I woke up to the sound of the carbon monoxide detector going off.  It was a slow beeping and when the bedroom door was open, it stopped.  We decided to go to the nearest 24 hour store and get a new battery.  We did and it continued beeping, but not the fast beeps that were considered the actual warning.  I couldn’t go back to sleep and called the landlord as soon as I got to work and it was considered a decent hour to call.  He said he’d come by with a replacement while I was at work.

I had some parents e-mail me to complain about the layout of the art show and felt slighted when their child had less work up than others.  While there were good reasons for it, whether or not it was because their child was too busy talking in class to finish their work or they were absent and missed days of class, these parents were not satisfied with my answers.  I ended up talking with one on the phone and she went so far as to tell me what a horrible teacher I was.  I just snapped and told her we should meet with the principal and hung up on her.  I felt bad, but it was probably better than me reacting to the anger.  I went to the principal and let her know exactly what happened and that she should be expecting a phone call from that parent.  I know I overreacted.  I was tired from staying late at night and waking up early.  I got overemotional and I was embarrassed by how I reacted.

I don’t know what parents expect when they call up.  I have had parents ask me to change grades, change punishments, or just change policies of mine.  What they don’t seem understand is that no child is perfect.  All children make mistakes.  I am not targeting their child.  I do not dislike their child.  And the ruder they get, the less likely they are of succeeding in the reason why they called.   When I was a kid and a teacher called home, my parents always believed what they said.  Now, the parents believe the kid.  I just don’t get it.

Pregnancy: Week 31

Saturday, May 20, 2017
I woke up early to get my car to the mechanic.  I had finally saved up enough money to get the part that I needed.  It took them the better part of the morning to install it, but I didn’t care.  It was going to be done!  The lack of the “check engine” light was a beautiful sight as I drove home!  Afterwards, I was so tired I needed a nap.  Then we got up and did laundry.  I know all of that stuff needed to be done, but I feel like I never get any time to do what I want to do or even need to do.  I’m probably just tired and over-emotional though.

Sunday, May 21, 2017
I woke up early again.  The plan for today was to go to my mom’s house and do the remainder of the washing of baby stuff before meeting up with some friends. On my way there, the “check engine” light came back on.  I felt very despondent.  In addition, it took too long to do all of the laundry so I ended up having to drive a half hour to visit my friends and then a half hour back to my mom’s afterwards.  I was tired and starting to feel burned out.  When I confided this to Rebecca, she told me I better get used to it because it’s only going to get worse when the baby comes.  While there is some truth to what she said, it hurt my feelings nonetheless.  By the time I got home, Kyle was  really sweet about how much he missed me throughout the day.  He had cleaned the whole apartment and it looked really nice.  I spent a little quality time with him before falling asleep.

Monday, May 22, 2017
When I woke up my cold was worse, but I had to go to work today. Tonight was the concert and my art show.  The concert really had nothing to do with me, except for the fact that my school has a tradition of having art shows on the same night.  I still had a lot of pictures to mount and hang.  They also make a big show of thanking me for the things I do at the concert.  I pushed myself to get it all done.  The nurse let me sleep in the cot in her room between the end of school and the concert.  I slept for two hours, ate dinner, got thanked at the concert, and promptly went home and went to bed.

Tuesday, May 23rd, 2017
I had to drag myself out of bed today.  I had a difficult time staying upright when standing.  I’m not sure if it was my pregnancy making me light-headed or if my cold was getting worse.  My voice had become a croak.  I could speak, but my voice was significantly lower and I couldn’t talk loudly.  About halfway through the day, I decided to go home and sleep.  I just couldn’t stay awake anymore.  My boss could see how worn and poorly I looked.

When I got home, I fell asleep.  When I woke up, Kyle insisted that I go to the local urgent care.  I honestly expected them to tell me what I thought I already knew; that I had a bad cold.  Or maybe accuse me of having allergies.  Instead, I found out that my temperature was elevated and they recommended antibiotics.  We picked up the prescription, I called in sick for work tomorrow, and went to sleep.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017
Even though I had already called in last night, I didn’t sleep very late.  I got up early, wandered around a bit, then laid back down to sleep some more.  I got distracted with a few things and didn’t end up going back to sleep until 10 or 11.  Then I slept 4 or 5 more hours.  I must have needed it!  When I got up, Kyle kept asking me for help with various projects he was working on.  They didn’t really require much effort on my part, just another pair of hands.  I also finished reading “Childbirth Without Fear”.  It was written a long time ago and there were a few sections that were antiquated.  Otherwise, it really did help me conquer my fear of childbirth!  It was a tough read though.  It was partially due to anachronistic language and partially due to pregnancy brain.

I tried to make myself relax and get as much rest as possible, but it was difficult.  I suppose that’s a good sign that I’m starting to feel better!

Thursday, May 25, 2017
I wasn’t sure I was ready to return to work.  I knew that I had to go in, but I wasn’t ready to.  I worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle working the whole day, plus helping out with an after school program like I had agreed to.  I did feel significantly better.  My cough was almost gone and my voice was back to normal.  However, once I reached lunch time, my exhaustion caught up with me.  I was really tired.  I dragged myself through the final classes.  Afterwards, I was chatting with a coworker who told me that the music teacher was fired.  She didn’t have the details, but she had apparently pissed off a parent.  I know what that’s like.  However, I had always thought of her as an institution there.  She wasn’t tenured because she was part-time.  I felt for her.  I also privately told myself I should really buckle down in my job search becase I didn’t want to get stuck in a similar situation.  She would be back tomorrow and when she decided to tell me, I had to look surprised.  I never was very good at making my face show emotions that I wasn’t feeling.  I would do my best though!

By the time I got home, I just wanted to go to sleep.  Kyle basically ordered me to lie down and relax.  I made sure to do a few things that needed to be done (like take my antibiotics) first.  He cooked us dinner.  We watched the latest installment of a television drama we had been watching while we ate.  We then laid down and had some intimate time.  Even though I’m not terribly interested in anything sexual, apparently it didn’t change the fact that I like pleasing him from time to time.  He was worried that I wouldn’t get enough sleep for tomorrow.  I told him that I really didn’t have a whole lot to do with our half day.  I guess that’s all it took to convince him!

Friday May 26, 2017
I awoke a bit late today, but it wasn’t a big deal.  Everything was ready to go and I didn’t have much to do.  We had a half day at work, but the kids were nuts.  I mentioned to a coworker that I was taking antibiotics and she asked if they were safe to take while pregnant.  I had assumed so since I couldn’t fathom why a doctor would give me them otherwise.  I started to worry.  Then I started to worry.  I didn’t think I felt the baby move much today.  Was there a problem with him? Was he just sleeping?  Was I just being paranoid.  I spent about two hours wondering and waiting before I felt some movement.  It was still a small movement, so I hoped everything was okay.  I kept telling myself that I was just being paranoid.

I took my car to the mechanic (again).  I’m really getting sick of having to get it fixed.  I know that it’s old and the mileage is quite high, so it needed to be done.  I just wanted to get it done already!  I spent over $1,000, a lot of the money my dad gave us for the baby.  However, he’s going to need a safe car to ride in, so I suppose the argument could be made for it.

All week, my lower belly has been weighing more heavily.  Now it’s starting to get sore when it’s weighed down by gravity.  My belly is oddly shaped and covered in stretch marks.  I feel more like an overweight man than a pregnant woman at this point.  I had stretch marks on my lower belly for months, but now I have acquired them on my upper belly and hips too.  It is by no means the pretty perfect pregnant belly that people see on TV and movies.  My belly is even more oblong than it is rounded.  At this point, I don’t care, so long as it does its job and brings a healthy baby into this world.  I do worry a little about the stretch marks.  I am still holding onto the idea/hope that I’ll be able to lose the baby weight plus the extra weight I’ve been trying to lose since before I got pregnant. Kyle has also promised to help support me in this goal by allowing me an hour of workout time every day if I would do the same for him.  Well, we’ll see!