February 14, 2016

So today is Valentine’s Day. It’s the day when Americans everywhere expect to spend time with their significant other, possibly exchanging flowers or gifts. I knew Diego wasn’t big on holidays. I wasn’t even sure he understood the significance of Valentine’s Day since I’m the first girlfriend he has had in the US. I tried to explain last night, but he was either not understanding me or didn’t care. I’m not sure which.

I’ve been getting a lot of my to do list done lately. My apartment is so clean, I have actually started de-cluttering some of the places that I have hidden clutter. I have been paring down my work to-do list. I have been steadily making progress on my biggest knitting project ever. And I have been editing the hell out of my blog from the past year to turn it into the book I have been talking about.

I have gotten as far as last March. Reading about the beginning of my relationship with Bryan, it made me spend a lot of time thinking about me and Diego. The beginnings started very similarly. Both of them were people I initially wasn’t intersection in. Both of them I had sex with on the third date. Both of them I initially had very little in common with. That’s where the similarities ended. Firstly, Diego is the first person I have ever dated that I am actually comfortable calling a man. Yes, I have spent a lot of time dating younger guys. I dated guys who were responsible with good jobs but never was I comfortable calling them a man until Diego. Maybe it’s because he’s the oldest guy I’ve ever dated at 39. I don’t know.

We still don’t have a lot in common. I love to read, write, hike, do crafts, draw, and play the guitar. He likes movies and watches TV in his spare time. One thing I do admire is that he loves to learn new things just like I do. He also likes just hanging out at home and hangs out with people less than I do. But this is really the first time I feel like I’m in an “adult relationship”. Yes, I’ve bad relationships as an adult with other adults. However, this is the first one where we didn’t blow off our responsibilities to see each other. The first one where I see him occasionally and have a life and many other focuses other than him. Sure, I write about him a lot, but that’s because I find him, the language, and his culture interesting. It’s also because there’s not much else to write about. I try not to divulge much about my friends because I don’t want them recognizable. I have done the same things at work for the past seven years, albiet at different jobs, so that part of my life is too boring to write about. I do talk a lot about getting things done, which I do spend a lot of time doing, but really Diego is the new and interesting entity in my life.

Because I wasn’t going to be seeing Diego today, I took myself out to the movies and saw How to be Single. The trailers made it look like a stereotypical movie where it’s all about girl power and single women acting like “typical” single men. I don’t know what made me want to see it, but it was so much more. It portrayed women in various forms of singleness. I identified a lot with one of the main characters. She gets caught in the “dicksand” whenever she enters a relationship. She just gets sucked into it and the guy. She completely loses herself in it and becomes boring. That’s a lot like me. I feel like that’s me. I’m trying not to let it be. The fact that Diego and I really only see each other once or twice a week for our “dates” of movies and sex, has helped in that. He also doesn’t tend to make plans with me in advance. As a result, I just make my own plans each weekend, trying to leave a little free time. If he can’t see me during that time, I get stuff done.

One other part that I really identified with of the movie was where one of the main characters states that if she died in her apartment, at least she’d have a food source for her cats for the eight weeks it took for somebody to find her. That’s one of my biggest fears when I was single. Still is, since I don’t live with Diego.

I also spend a fair amount of time wondering if our relationship is healthy or not. We really don’t do much other than watch a movie and have sex. Sure, we hang out on the train, but as soon as he gets his car fixed, I will only see him once or twice a week. I wondered if that’s healthy for an adult relationship. Dating as an adult seems to be very different. At first I wondered if he was using me for sex, but he seems to enjoy the talking and cuddling during the movie. It’s not like Bryan where we couldn’t finish a movie because we can’t keep our hands off each other. It seems like a good balance, I think. But I also don’t know what’s right or how to proceed. At what point do things move along? At what point do you move in? At what point do you realize it’s never going to work and I need to move on? He’s calmed down about pushing for sex, which was my biggest apprehension. He also doesn’t seem to want to do anything with me other than eat, watch movies, talk, and have sex.

I have also been doing some strength training. For some reason, the thin women in the movies gave me added motivation to lose weight. I guess the media had worked again. I really do need to lose the weight though. My body just doesn’t do what I want it to anymore. And Diego has been talking about wanting to do a sex video. I don’t mind, but I just wish my body would look better for it!

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