May 20-25, 2015

May 20 –
I was really tired all day.  It was all I  could do to make it through the work day.  When I got home, I spent my time fixing my tent poles for a camping trip I’m going on with some friends on Friday.  It took almost my entire evening and I still didn’t finish.

May 21-
I felt different today.  I felt oddly confident, but with a softening of compassion.  I’m not sure what it was, because I have my worst-behaved students on this day.  After work, I spent over 3 hours food shopping and picking up various things I would need for the camping trip.  I had hoped to spend the night packing and cooking food, but I was too tired.  I  managed to go for a walk, but I felt in a foggy daze the whole time.  When I got home, I went to bed early.

May 22-
I had a decent amount of energy today, but it only lasted until mid-afternoon.  I forced myself to pack and prepare the food, then I drove a few hours to the mountain we were camping at.  I set up my tent and the cooking supplies and drank a hard cider while I waited for my friends.  I finally heard back that they had been delayed until the morning.  I wandered around the campsite and found some new friends to drink with.  I got EXTREMELY drunk.  I don’t actually remember the remainder of my night, except that it was very cold.

May 23-
I woke up early and it was very cold.  My hair was a matted mess, so I must have tossed and turned.  I found out that the temperature was in the lower 30s the night before.  My friends showed up mid-morning.  I hung out with them as we cooked breakfast, but I couldn’t get warm, so I went back to my tent for a little while.  I snuggled under the blankets and fell asleep.  I vaguely recall my friends trying to get me up, but it didn’t work.  I finally woke up again mid-evening.  They went hiking without me. I left early because I couldn’t get warm.  On my way home, I was too tired to drive the whole way, so I ended up staying at Linda’s house.

May 24-
I slept all night after sleeping all day and even slept in.  I came to the realization that my hypothyroidism is out of sorts.  While depression and hypothyroidism do share several symptoms, the hypothyroidism makes me sleep whereas the depression makes me want to stay in bed.  I had also been alternately famished and not hungry all week long, another sign something wasn’t right with my thyroid.  I chatted with Linda about it a lot because she also has hypothyroidism.   She criticized my endocrinologist for taking me off of Armor thyroid and back on Synthroid.  When I got home, I found the remainder of the Armor thyroid and took one.  I was still very tired.  I napped on and off all afternoon and finally managed to get myself out for a walk in the evening.  I wasted more time on facebook and went to bed around midnight.

May 25-
I woke up early.  It took me a few hours after taking my meds before I was able to get up and get going.  I guess all it took was two doses of Armor thyroid because I started cleaning and straightening my apartment and didn’t stop until it was clean.  While it’s not perfect, I feel really good about how good my apartment looks now!  I also did some strength training too.  I felt good, happy, and full of energy.  I even ended up doing some random dancing to music.  I got to bed around

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Sleep: I got 8 hour one night,  the rest were all 6-7 hours.

Exercise: I seem to be in a pattern.  I work out a lot at the beginning of a week, but run out of steam halfway through.

Diet: I stuck to my diet in the beginning of the week and not at all by the end of it.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I spent a whole day doing a lot of cleaning and decluttering so I did not feel the need to do it for the rest of the week.

Hygiene – I was showered every weekday this week and brushed my teeth once.

Mood and temperament – My mood fluctuated daily, but my temperament was always good.

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May 18-19, 2015

May 18 –
I woke up early and managed to do a lot of strength exercises, knowing that I would likely not have a chance to do them after work.  When I got to work, I discovered I was extremely angry.  I felt a sense of rage coursing within me.  I have never really been accustomed to anger.  Maybe it’s just the nature of my specific depression, but I am rarely angry.  On the rare cases that I am, it’s usually with a significant other and it usually is over within a day.  Today, the anger I dealt with was towards nobody, as far as I could tell.  The anger stole my happiness away and it was all I could do to not lash out at the people around me.  Thankfully, I was able to mostly contain my anger, but it was tough.

For lunch, I had no food, so I ate at the cafeteria.  They had no nutritious food, so I ended up buying what they had.  And I was sick.  I don’t understand what is wrong with me.  I knew there would be no healthy food for me to eat.   I knew the cafeteria food would make me sick.  But I still didn’t plan enough in advance to make sure I had something healthy to eat.  I remember reading somewhere about how if you knew eating something would make you sick, you wouldn’t eat it.  All I did was think that I would.  I don’t know why, but I tend not to learn from something like that.  It hurts my stomach and makes me run for the bathroom, but I eat it anyway and don’t take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again.  Is it a depression thing?  Or is it just me being me?

The depression got really bad as I contemplated whether I would ever have a “normal” life where I could be a good friend to my friends.  Because of my mood fluctuations, I have to spend a lot of time focused on me to just live my life and get through my day.  As such, my people skills have suffered.  I have a difficult time discerning what people are going through and I cannot just magically understand what to do to help my friends in most situations.  I have to ask.  And often, when asked what you can do to help, people usually say nothing.  I have good intentions, but I just spend so much time having to focus on myself that it’s difficult to treat other people with the kindness that I feel they deserve.

After the anger faded, the depression set in.  I started, as usual, questioning my self-worth, getting upset about everything that was wrong with my life, and started wondering if I would ever be happy with the things that I want.  I got down on myself because of all the people I owed money to, in addition to bills.  It seemed like I would never be free of my debts.  I wondered if I would ever find someone who loved me for me who I could love back, have kids with, and grow old with.  The only good thing I could say, was at least I didn’t attach myself to someone out of desperation, which is often what I do when this mood hits.  I don’t know if it was just that I thought there was nobody to attach myself to or if I had actually learned from my past mistakes, but it was still bad.

My friend Linda was in the hospital tonight with stomach pains.   I hope she’s okay.

May 19 –
When I woke up, I did yoga.  I don’t understand why I don’t do it more often, the way hit has helped my back.  Then I returned to court to sort out my situation.  I was given a reduced sentence and a very large fine.  It was almost $500.  I hate living here.  Anywhere else I have lived would have reduced my sentence and given me a much lower fine.  And I got a parking ticket on my car this morning.  The sign said I wasn’t supposed to park there from 8:30-12:00.  The ticket was written at 8:06!!!!

I waited over 2 hours in court for them to get to me.  Then it took over a half hour to pay my ridiculous fine.  I went home, got my work things, went to the nearest fast food place, bought whatever I wanted, and drove to work.  I was in a seriously foul mood when I got there and might have overreacted to the things the students said.  I wasn’t mean, but I felt mean.  Then my technology didn’t work, so I got annoyed at that too.  By accident I sent my students away 20 minutes early (we don’t have bells in my school).  I felt like an ass.  Then after my last class, I fell asleep at my laptop.

When I got home, I was depressed and tired.  I wasted a lot of time on facebook.  I managed to start a meme that was circulating, so I felt pretty good about that, for about five seconds.  I started getting despondent about ever finding someone.  I wondered if I was good enough yet or needed to do more self-work.  Then I thought about all of the assholes out there that have someone and started getting more depressed about it. Sometimes, it’s difficult to have hope.

Also, I forgot to mention that Kevin has been acting weird around me lately.  I think I mentioned that he’s my friend’s son, like a little brother to me.  We have been talking a lot lately because we’ve been going through similar things. On Sunday after I returned from his and Linda’s house, he told me he was sorry he acted weird on Saturday night.  I was too tired to notice what he had done, so I told him no problem.  He would not tell me what the issue was.  I had several guesses, eah more unlikely than the rest.  Then he told me he had some issues to sort out and he may or may not be talking to me for a while.  Then I found out his mother was in the hospital and he began talking to me again.  It turned out she just had an enlarged gall-bladder, which they removed.  Then he just said “Good bye” on facebook with no provocation or explanation.  This kid is starting to piss me off.  I count him as a good friend, but all of this secrecy and random declarations that he’s going to disappear for a while are getting old and annoying.  The only thing I can think of is that maybe his mother is right and he’s falling for me.  In which case, I hope he takes the time he needs to get over it.

Near the end of the evening, some of the guys from that singles facebook group started to message me, so I started to feel a bit better.  None of them live near me, but I do enjoy talking to George.  He’s a bit younger than me (about 6  years younger).  He works in a crappy retail job, but money was never that important to me.  I really only care that he’s good for me.  I don’t know if he is yet.  I guess I don’t want to get my hopes up with anybody, so I’m trying not to.  He is the best one that I’ve met on that singles page, though!

I am a little annoyed that what it took to pull me out of my depression this afternoon was the attention of guys.  Maybe that’s who I am?  Someone who needs the attention of a guy to be happy?  But I don’t want to rely on a guy for my happiness!  They’re human too and don’t deserve having that kind of burden laid on them!  How do I keep myself happy?  I guess again, that’s what this blog is about.  But some days it’s so damn difficult!

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Sleep: I slept about 7 hours both nights
Exercise: I did strength one day and yoga another day
Diet:  I followed my diet for two out of 6 meals
De-cluttering and cleaning: I straightened up for a few minutes on one day
Hygiene:  I was showered both days, but did  not brush my teeth either day
Mood and temperament: I was mostly angry and depressed and on Monday and tired and depressed on Tuesday.

May 16-17, 2015

I woke up early even though I went to bed late.  This seems to have become a new habit with me.  It seems to catch up with me on the weekends and I end up falling asleep when I’m visiting people.  I tried to embroider in the morning while watching some of my favorite tv show with Kevin.  He seemed to want to cuddle again and I was not adverse to the idea, considering I didn’t see his mom for a few hours after I woke up.  She came down, made me breakfast, and then disappeared again for a few more hours.

Mid-afternoon, Me, Linda, and Kevin went hiking.  It was odd, she kept walking away from the two of us.  At one point, we couldn’t find her, so Kevin and I walked back to the car to wait for her there.  After we got back, she tried to send the two of us to a movie, but I was too tired.  So, she went out to dinner on a date and left us both behind again.  It struck me as odd, but I was too tired to care.  I fell asleep on the couch not long after she left and stayed that way. I only got up to go to bed.

May 17 –
I woke up around 5:30, feeling refreshed.  I touched the skin around my stomach and waist.  It was weird, it was almost like I was touching someone else.  I felt the soft skin and felt like I usually do when touching the skin of someone I’m dating.  It was soft and I marveled at the smoothness.  Is this what people mean when they say they love themselves first?  Or was I just missing the touch of someone else so much that I caressed myself?  It wasn’t sexual, it was comforting.

When I got home, I decided to see Pitch Perfect 2 in the theater.  I often see movies alone, so I had no qualms about doing it.  Like the first movie, it left me feeling empowered.  However, the feeling quickly faded and was replaced by longing for a group of friends like these women.  I really don’t have a core group of friends.  Back when my depression was much worse, I was not capable of having true friends.  Since then, I have moved around too much to make lasting friendships.  There were some people I would have liked to remain my friend, but, alas, it was not meant to be.  I felt lonely.

I kinda just killed time until George called.  He’s the guy I skyped with the other night.  It was nice to have someone to talk to, but I felt like I was grasping for topics by the end of our conversation.

I also confronted my ex-husband about telling our mutual friends about my depression problem today.  I talked about it with Linda the day before and she gave me a really great idea of how to handle the anger.  I rarely get angry or hold grudges, so the advice was sorely needed.  I simply told him that I was angry and why.  I also told him that if he chooses to share any more of my secrets, then I will share his.  He apologized for the fact that he hurt me, but seemed to still feel he was in the right.  It’s amazing.  We’ve been split up for almost two years, but he’s still reminding me why I broke up with him in new and disturbing ways!

Then I heard from Kevin to find out that his mom thought that she was concerned that he was falling for me or something.  Ugh.  Like I didn’t have enough drama to deal with.  I talked to her about it and she said she didn’t suspect anything on my end.  She was just concerned for her kid’s well-being.

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Exercise – I went for a short hike one day.

Diet – I followed my diet about half of the time.  The instances where I didn’t, cheese, was usually involved.  Why does cheese have to be so tasty?

De-cluttering and cleaning – I did neither.

Hygiene – I was showered both days, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament – My mood was usually good, but tired, other than my lonely spell on Sunday night.  My temperament was good.

 

 

May 12-15, 2015

May 12 –
I woke up and felt like I had an important dream but I couldn’t remember it.  I lay in bed trying to recall it, but it never came back to me.  After work, I had a tremendous attack of motivation.  I was also chatting with a guy from the singles facebook page I joined.  He had a number of physical issues and was convinced that no woman would ever love him for it.  It was not his physical issues that turned me off, but his defeatist attitude and his age (which I found out was 20 years older than me).  I went out walking, did some laundry, etc.  I was behind on housework, as always, but I felt like I was at least catching up.

May 13 –
It was a good day at work.  When I got home, I spent almost all of my time working on another project with a deadline.  I did absolutely nothing else when I got home.  Oh the bright side, I got really far on it.

I also ended up getting really focused on the fact that my ex-husband told all of our mutual friends about my issues with depression.  I got extremely angry, which is typically unlike me.  I actually had considered the fact that I can’t get angry as a side-effect of my depression.  Maybe my depression is wearing off because I can now get angry again.  It was tough.  I couldn’t think of anything else.  I wanted to dwell on it.  And yet, it was unproductive.  I understand that anger may be good in a number of circumstances but I always was very proud of the fact that I could let things go.  I felt it was good for me and I kind of felt superior in my forgiveness.  I don’t feel superior anymore.  I now am angry.  And I understand what a gift it was to be able to let things go.

May 14 –
It was a very long day at work, but Thursdays always seem obscenely long for some reason.  When I got home, I started to work on my project.  There was a guy I was talking on from the singles facebook group a while ago.  Like all of the others, we chatted for a day and then I never heard from them again, so I was surprised that he contacted me again.  He had to reiterate all of the facts about him because my brain had apparently decided I wasn’t going to hear from him again and therefore deleted everything he told me about himself.  Other than that, we had some good conversations online.  Then we moved on to the phone.  We had enough in common to have a lot to talk about, but enough not in common to have a lot to talk about.  I really enjoyed our conversations.  Then both of our phones started to die, so we went onto skype.  He is a lot better looking in person than in his picture!  We spent over an hour on skype.  He lives over 13 hours away, so we will probably never meet.  It’s a shame because I feel like he’s a guy I could really like after getting to know him a bit more.

May 15 –
Today was another long day at work, which was unusual.  Usually Fridays are a welcome relief and a prelude to the weekend.  After work, I started driving and went to visit my friends Linda and Kevin.  Linda is a few years older than me and Kevin is her son who is 15 years younger than me at 20.  Oddly enough, I’m friends with the both of them, just in different ways.  Kevin and I had been talking a lot recently because we’re both in similar positions with trying to find someone to be with and having bad love experiences as well.  We both suffer from mental illness, so we have been talking about that too.

I didn’t stay there long because i had plans to visit some other friends that lived nearby.  We had fun with a nice bonfire and a potluck.  It was good seeing them all.  The strange thing was the hugging.  Normally, I’m not a person who is comfortable with the touch of other people except in very specific circumstances.  I saw hugging as something I did for the other person because they clearly seemed to need that.  Now, I actually understood the joy in a good hug.  I think I hugged each of my friends longer than I had hugged anybody in my life.  It wasn’t awkwardly long.  On the contrary, it was just long enough.  Others might have thought it was long, but it wasn’t their hug.  It was mine.

When I got back, it was late and everybody but Kevin had gone to bed.  A few days ago Kevin had asked me to be his cuddle buddy.  I had mixed feelings about it, so I told him that I’d think about it.  I usually don’t cuddle with friends because I am always afraid of them getting wrong idea.  I knew he wouldn’t get the wrong idea though.  I am also odd about how and when I want bodily contact.  I’m like a cat in that way.  A cat presents its belly and there’s a 1 in 10 chance it will let you pet it’s belly, a 4 in 10 chance that it will bite you and a 5 in 10 chance that it will scratch you.  Yet you go for the belly anyway.  For me to want to cuddle, the timing has to be right.  And I felt weird because it’s my good friend’s son, so no cuddling around her.  While I don’t think she would mind, per se, I minded.

Anyway, last night we were watching funny videos on my laptop and the stars aligned enough to want to cuddle, so we did.  I guess I really needed physical contact lately.  As insane as this sounds, this has been the longest time that I have been single in about 10 years.  That’s right.  I have not been single for more than a month in 10 years. Ten years.  Hopefully, I’ll continue to improve in my singleness until an amazing man comes my way, because I’m holding out for an amazing man who thinks I am amazing too.

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Exercise – I went walking once.

Diet – I actually followed my diet really well for most of this week.  Almost all of my meals were paleo!  However, many of my snacks were not.  I snacked on any sugary candy that was lying around (which was a lot).

Cleaning and de-cluttering – I de-cluttered one day.

Hygiene – I brushed my teeth once and was showered every day except for Friday.

Mood  and temperament – My mood was decent most days, excepting the period of anger I felt on Wednesday.  On Friday, I felt another paradigm shift.  I cannot tell describe what chanted.  I felt better, more adept in social situations, more relaxed around my students during down times, and more respected when I needed my students to listen and behave.  I really can’t put it another way.  My temperament was good excepting my anger on Wednesday.  And I did nothing to react to that anger other than rant to a few friends about it, so I don’t know if I would call that a temperament issue or not.

May 11, 2015

I had a difficult time waking up this morning.  When I did wake up, I went online and saw a picture of Bryan with another woman.  For all I know, she’s just a friend of his that he never mentioned before, but it still hurt.  Why did it hurt?  Because he dumped me.  He’s supposed to be steeped in regret for dumping me, not moving on.  And how can he find someone else when I can’t!?  As illogical as they may be, these were the thoughts that went through my mind when I saw this picture.

I had asked a friend about Salvatore and found out that he’s not single.  I can see why, but I was still disappointed.  I heard back from him today.  Since it took him a day to respond to me, I decided to take a day to respond to him.  During that time, I need to decide whether it would be better to become his friend or avoid him as much as I can. Granted, since I’ve seen him around for years, avoiding him might be difficult.

I feel like over the past few years, everybody I had any kind of sexual tension or question marks with has reappeared in my life (like Salvatore who I had admired for years from afar).  It almost seems planned, like somebody good is coming my way and I should have no doubts about anything I could have had with anyone else.  Well, there’s no doubt that I could have anything with any of the guys currently in my life.  It’s kind of depressing.  What if there is no guy out there for me?  What if I never get the one thing I have always wanted since I was little, a family?  I just have to try to have hope because the alternative is not something that I want to face.

After work, I went to the dentist.  I had some serious pain and it still hurts.  There’s nothing like physical pain to put things in perspective and cancel out any emotional pain. That’s why cutters cut, or so my hypothesis was back when I used to cut myself.  Even so, I wish this tooth pain would go away!

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Exercise: none

Diet:  horrible

De-cluttering and cleaning: none

Hygiene:: I brushed my teeth, but didn’t shower

Mood – Fluctuated throughout the day.  My temperament was also good.

 

 

May 10, 2015

I awoke early, as is my custom, even on weekends.  Nobody else was up yet, so I walked outside barefoot and meditated on a rock.  Many of my muscles were sore from my activities yesterday, but it meant that I was getting stronger.  The massage that Salvatore had given me had done wonders with my bad shoulder.  It didn’t grind at all this morning when I rotated it, like it usually did!  I packed my things while everyone was still sleeping and drove to my mom’s house for Mother’s Day.

On my way there, I recalled all of the good things from the previous night with Salvatore.  I forgot to mention that there was a moment yesterday when he placed his hand on mine.  The contact was too long to be accidental and too short to be consequential.  I also recalled my list of things that I needed to do.  I was far behind in my lesson plans as well as a craft project that had another deadline.

When I got to my mom’s house, I told her about my lesson planning and worked on it for an hour or two.  I took a brief break from work to send a facebook message to Salvatore saying I hope he got home okay and told him what his massage had done for my shoulder.  Then we ate lunch and they had talked of going for a walk.  Logically, I thought I should accompany them on their walk.  I should spend some time with my mom on Mother’s Day and get some exercise in, but I was too tired.  As soon as they were gone, I fell asleep.  I’m not sure how long I was asleep for, but my mom said I slept so deeply they were talking in the same room as me and I didn’t stir.  Perhaps my body needed to heal.

We ate dinner and I left. It was a two hour drive home.  By the time I got home, I saw that Salvatore had seen my facebook message and hadn’t responded.  I was disappointed.  He was probably dating that girl I saw him kissing and just wanted to be friends.  I dunno what happened and will probably never know, but the disappointment is tough.  I had thought that we had made a real connection.  I guess I was wrong.

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Exercise – none

Diet – I did pretty well today

De-cluttering and cleaning – I wasn’t home long enough

Hygiene – I had showered the day before, but didn’t brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament – My mood varied with excitement from what could happen from here with Salvatore to disappointment when he didn’t message me back.  Tiredness pervaded throughout the day.  My temperament was good, though.

May 9, 2015

Last night, I had two disturbing dreams.  In the first one, one of my 7th grade male students was sitting in a chair watching me sleep.  I was sleeping topless.  When I woke up and realized what was going on, I ordered him out of the room.  In the other dream, my ex-husband was lying in bed next to me, facing me.  I wanted to lean in and kiss him, but I resisted.  When I woke up, I had to remind myself that he had told all of our mutual friends about my problems with depression to remind myself what kind of man I had left.

I woke up early this morning because I had a three hour drive ahead of me. I used to do a sort of “fight club” with some friends at one of the places I used to live. It’s not nearly as intense or dangerous as in the movie. It was more of a place to practice mixed martial arts. Because my shoulder had been hurting for months, I hadn’t done it in a while. And it showed. There were still certain things that I couldn’t do with it and that frustrated me to the point where I was holding back tears. The tears were more from frustration than pain.  After a while, my friends found fighting scenarios that I could do with ease, like fighting with one hand behind our backs. In the end, I had a lot of fun! Some of us went out to eat afterwards. There were three decent-looking guys my age there, but one by one, they all talked about their girlfriends/fiancés. I just enjoyed myself hanging out with them as friends and wondered if there were any good guys left near my age

Then I drove to meet a different group of friends. They had rented a lodge in the woods and had a very large party there.   This was not like the parties in my youth where everyone drank until people passed out, puked, or did comedic things. There was alcohol there, but the drinking was more sedate. I didn’t know everybody at this party. Not even close. I had two sets of friends there. One was married with kids and they spent their time chasing after their children. And a couple who spent their time trying to find ways of being alone with each other.   I took the time, set up my bed, joined some old men for a smoke, and tried to make conversation with several of the people there.

Then I saw him. I didn’t know his name, but I had been seeing him around for a few years. He is the most pretty man I had ever seen. He looked young when I first saw him three years ago (yes, I can actually remember when I first saw him because I was still married and I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him), I thought he was in his late teens or early 20s.   He has a very exotic look to him. He had almond shaped eyes that were a shade of brown that could only be called deep. The color reminded me of a river near where I grew up.  His hair was straight with shoulder length hair. His face was tan with high cheekbones and a flat-ish nose. The combination of features didn’t fit in with any race that I could think of, but he looked so gorgeous that I couldn’t help looking at him whenever I saw him. I felt like a fool because I really couldn’t help looking at him. For years I avoided talking to him because of this! He was definitely too young for me anyway, so I just admired his physical beauty from afar. I liked to think he was staring at me too, but I really think I was deluding myself.

Anyway, when I first set eyes on him today, he was sitting under a tree with a girl and they were giving each other a chaste peck on the lips. Later on he introduced himself to me. His name is Salvatore. We ended up talking half of the night and dancing the other half. He spent four years in the armed forces, which surprised me. He had a quiet, unassuming presence, so atypical of former soldiers. After that he went to college, but took a few years off to help his parents. We talked about so many things! We never ran out of topics, even though they ranged from martial arts to Norse mythology to cats. I found out that he’s 28, so we both looked younger than our years. He told me he thought I was 25. He also had a lapsed massage therapist license and I got him to give me a massage. It hurt more than most of the massages I have gotten, but it fixed things! His hands were so strong!   He told me that the Chinese say the secret to a good marriage was massaging each other’s scalp and feet every day. I told him I could get behind that and said that must have been the problem with my first marriage! He wasn’t staying over, but it took him a long time to leave.   In the process of his leaving, he gave me three hugs at separate times and told me how great a time he had with me. He added me as his friend on facebook with talk of getting together in the future. Then he gave me a final hug, a reiteration of how much fun he had with me, and departed.

After he left, all I could think was “I could fall in love with this guy.” And also, who was that girl I thought he was kissing when I first saw him? I’m going to have to guard my heart very carefully with this one.

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Exercise – Fighting and dancing

Diet – I did not follow my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning – I really wasn’t home long enough to do either.

Hygiene – I was showered but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament – My mood was decidedly good other than my brief frustration about my shoulder injury. My temperament was good.

May 4-8, 2015

May 4 –
Last night I dreamed about Byran.  The details are kind of hazy, but I awoke with the notion that he was starting to miss me.  I haven’t heard from him, so it strikes me as odd that I would have that idea.  Either way, he made his bed and I’m not going back to him.

That being said, I’m starting to feel that post-breakup desperation setting in.   I am finding myself considering guys that I would not generally consider.  And it’s not just about considering guys, but also playing with guys to give them hope at something with me even if there is no hope.  I’m hoping that my logic can keep that at bay.  I need to focus on staying single and fixing myself and my life.

I’m still feeling a bit sick, but I still managed to get a few things done, in addition to a nap.  I still have a lot to catch up on that I didn’t get done during my busy last two weeks, but I at least did something.

May 5 –
After work today I went for a walk.  It was a workout walk.   I made a playlist of upbeat songs.  I realized how much I had missed actually working out!  There was something truly enjoyable about it.  I also enjoyed being around other people.  Sure, I’m around people all day, but they’re all kids.  Even though I didn’t talk to anybody, it was still nice being around them on the fitness path!

My 6 –
I did yoga today.  I had done yoga on and off throughout my 20s, but never could understand why people liked it so much.  It really didn’t seem like a good workout.  I even bought a dvd that a friend recommended.  I did it a few times, but haven’t looked at it in years.  I tried it again today and finally understand the draw of yoga.  There were a few positions I can’t do anymore due to my weight, like a shoulder stand.  I also worried about the cat/cow exercise.  It started off stiff at first, but then my spine freed up and I got more flexibility in my spine than I had in years!  After it was done, I could actually bend over and pick things up!  I seem to be doing great with exercising!

Ma;y 7 – When I got home today, I got dressed in my workout gear and was going to go for another fitness walk.  However, I could not find my ipod!  By the time I found it, it was too late and I had to be somewhere to meet friends.  The desire to be with someone was so strong, I wanted to play with the mind of a guy who was there who used to like me but is in a happy relationship right now.  I thankfully resisted that urge, but it was difficult.  She, however, started treating me coldly recently.  I guess he told her he used to like me or something.  I avoided him as much as I could to keep myself from playing with his mind and to keep peace between him and his girlfriend.

I found myself procrastinating driving home, so I was one of the last to leave.  A drive that took almost an hour now took an hour an a half.  There was a bad accident on the way home.  I wonder if it was my intuition telling me that I should wait to avoid being in it.

I have been going through a very sexually-charged period right now.  It could just be the springtime air, but it almost feels like I’m in heat.  It could also be because it’s now been a few weeks without any sexual activity and I may be going through withdrawal.  Sigh.  I miss sex.

May 8 –
Work has been rough this week.  I had anticipated a period of time where I would have a lighter workload now that things are calming down after last weekend.  Unfortunately, there still seems to e a lot of work to catch up on and I’m not really there.

I’m still feeling a bit sick.  I took a two hour nap when I got home and woke up feeling very unmotivated.  I changed my clothes so I could go for a workout walk, but never got the motivation to go.  I was still wanting sex.  I went out for some food and most guys I looked at I considered having sex with if they asked me.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but this sexual frustration sucks!  I need a good fuck-buddy!  But where do I find a fuck-buddy in a place where I can’t find a regular friend? Seriously, I’ve never lived in a place so long without actually making a single friend!  Sure, I have friends an hour or two away, but they’re not near enough to just invite to the bar for a few drinks or something.  Sigh.  I want local friends.  I want sex.  I’m lying in bed listening to the parties in my building and feeling very alone.

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Exercise – I exercised twice

Diet – I didn’t follow it for any days, but followed it for three meals, which is a start.

De-cluttering and cleaning – I de-cluttered and cleaned once.

Hygiene – I was showered every day and brushed my teeth twice.

Temperament and mood – My mood was pretty neutral.  I was tired a lot because of the cold I have.  My temper was good.

 

April 27-May 3, 2015

Well, every weekday looked something like this.

5am – Play slap-clock until I can no longer help getting up.
6:30am – Rush off to work.
7:00am-7:00pm – work.
7:30pm-11:00pm – do work from home.

May 2
I woke up and the sun was shining brightly, so I thought that I had successfully slept in.  I looked at the clock and saw that it was 6:30am.   I had a sore throat.  I straightened up a bit and did some laundry.  Then I had to run around and do some stuff for work.  I had to run back to work around 5:00pm.

After it was over, I felt very relieved and very proud of myself.  But I also felt empty.   Sure, I had been invited to a diner by one of the parents, but I chose to go home instead.  I decided to do something irresponsible like drink the remainder of the hard cider in my fridge while  chain smoking in “celebration”. As I drank, I decided to join both Tinder and a Facebook group for singles that a friend of mine recommended.  I don’t actually remember much of what I wrote.  Tinder is a very shallow way of dating.  You just look at their pictures.  I wonder if any personality is taken into consideration at all.  And it didn’t work well on my phone.

May 3
When I woke up, my throat hurt worse. It was actually painful to talk.  I probably shouldn’t have smoked all those cigarettes the night before.  My back lso hurt a lot.  I couldn’t bed down and several positions were very painful.I was definitely getting sick.  But I had told my friend, the one who is like a little brother to me, that I’d hang out with him.  It took me longer than usual to get going.  I stopped for a fast food breakfast, but made sure to purchase plenty of liquids.  I had hoped that dehydrated was why my back was hurting.  I picked him up and brought him to my place.  We watched movies and I got this weird desire to snuggle with him.  It was probably just that I wasn’t feeling well and I wanted something comforting, but it was still weird for me.  I also didn’t want him to get the wrong idea.  I settled for putting my feet on his lap.  I also didn’t want him to realize how vulnerable I was and I felt because I wasn’t feeling well.  I slept on and off throughout the day and the three movies that we watched.  I felt like a bad hostess, but he claimed that he still enjoyed getting out of town for a bit.

After he left, I chatted with three guys I had met on the dating facebook page.  Two were both 47, which I considered too old for me, but they were still fun to talk to. The other was my age, but lived in the midwest, whereas I live on the coast.  I did ejnoy talking to him.  He has some issues, but then again, so do I.  He also mentioned that he’s really big.  I have dated big guys before, but he’s probably 100lbs heavier than the biggest guy I have dated, so I’m not sure how I’d react to that.  I’m not generally shallow and I’m usually more attracted to personality than looks, but I wonder if this would cross the line.  I struggled with dating one guy because he was big and hairy and sweated a lot.  Those are all traits that I’m not terribly fond of.  But he was a very nice guy!  Oh well, best to see how things play out, I suppose.

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Exercise – none

Diet – I stress ate like it was my job

De-cluttering and cleaning – I de-cluttered one day and didn’t clean at all.

Hygiene – I showered twice this week and brushed my teeth once.

Mood and temperament – I was tired and stressed all week.  Even so, I don’t think I lost my temper with anyone!