November 30, 2015

I awoke early, but ended up going back to sleep. I was running late, but I somehow managed to get to the station early. Diego was there and Juan was not. Diego’s friend had given him a ride. I needed to take the early train to catch up on all the work I didn’t do because I was so tired the past two weeks. I had hoped to get it done on my vacation, but I didn’t. He decided to come on the early train with me. We discussed several things and I seriously started to question whether he was the right man for me. I asked about his kids. They are younger than I thought they were. His last girlfriend must have been the one he had kids with. He Skype’s with them and sends them money. He’s afraid to marry because of his mother’s bad experience with marriage. He also told me he used to argue with his ex-girlfriend. I told him everybody has disagreements because all people are different. I told him I was afraid every guy would be like my ex-husband. That once I got married, I’d be miserable and ignored. I also explained that’s why women don’t stay long with him, they want someone who will stick around. He said he wanted to make it on his own, do everything on his own, referring to citizenship. I told him it’s not about being with someone because you need them, its about being someone because you want them. Nonetheless, I was disappointed. I didn’t exactly want a marriage proposal tomorrow and kids the next day, but I did hope that eventually he’d have an interest in settling down with me. I guess I hope that eventually with all relationships. It makes sense that someone who gets to his age never being married is a committmentaphobe. Maybe I should have known better. At least he’s not using me for a green card! My own hypocrisy was lost on me until later in the day.

I was disappointed and wondered how much longer I should stay with him. I like him. However, I am not stupid enough to believe that he’s going to change for me. And the longer I’m with him, the more attached I will be and the worse it will get, right? Or is exiting the relationship now to proactively preserve myself from likely pain and suffering stupid? If I was younger, I would have stuck it out to see how things went. However, that stupid biological clock of mine didn’t like that answer. How long could I be happy with him just being happy with him? Or would that question forever weigh on my mind?

We got off at the connecting station and I really wanted a cigarette. However, he insisted on staying with me at the connecting station, when I would have bought those cigarettes. When my train arrived, he gave me an awkward hug and kiss on the cheek. I could see Juan’s Spanish friends watching me talk to him. I chose not to sit with them. As soon as I got off the train, I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one, trying to hide the cigarette from the traffic as I walked. In my mind, every car that passed contained a student and parent. Even with the paranoia that I would be seen, I felt the cigarette taking effect. I managed to calm down. I was slightly disappointed at having to smoke, but I felt like I needed it.

When I got to work, I discovered that the internet didn’t work on my work computer, so I couldn’t even catch up on work. I caught up on my blog instead. Then I got an email from my boss stating that she wanted to observe me with my least well-behaved class later this week. That was more work I had to do. I had to create an in-depth lesson plan for this group of students and do it soon.

I told myself I just needed to get through today. I did my best not to let my mood show to my students today. I was surprisingly successful, but my heart really wasn’t in it.

I got on the afternoon train anxious to get home. Juan wasn’t on there. I wasn’t terribly disappointed. I wasn’t in the best of moods and didn’t have any desire to explain why, especially with his often unpleasant questioning.

On the drive home, I thought more about Diego and what he had said. I like him and even if there’s no hope for it lasting long, I would still stick it out until it became a problem. I thought about the ending of Four Weddings and A Funeral, how the couple resolves not to marry and decide that it’s something they could do for the rest of their life. If I could trust that somebody could do that, I would be content in that scenario. But could I trust someone enough to have kids with them if they’re not married to me? I suppose it’s too early in the relationship to think about such things, but at what point should I think about it? At what point does it become a problem?

Diego and I were texting and he asked when I was getting my period. Usually guys aren’t that upfront about it, but i don’t have qualms discussing it, so I told him it was coming soon, probably this week. He said we couldn’t have sex during my period. I just thought he was grossed out about it. It turns out, he had some weird cultural belief that it was bad for me and could make me sick. In hindsight, the translation may have been fuzzy about what “sick” meant, but all I could think is “What kind of stupid, messed up belief is that!?”. He also thought menstral blood was real blood. I found myself getting angry at his ignorance, which is not something that I usually do. I rarely judge others beliefs and they rarely elicit an emotional reaction from me. Is it because I’m emotionally attached to him? He sent me a number of articles in Spanish and I sent him a number of articles in English. I calmed down enough to try and form a common ground. I commented that it was strange that all the Spanish articles said one thing and the English articles another. He then stated that he didn’t like the blood. I could live with that, because at least it has a rational explanation. He then told me that the chance of contracting an STD was greater because of the menstral blood. I told him that was only true if one of us had an STD and we didn’t use condoms. I told him I didn’t have an STD and that I had been tested earlier in the year. I realized that I needed to be tested again, if I was going to continue my rule of getting tested every two partners, but I didn’t mention that to him. I tried to impart that I’m often hornier when I get my period. He finally relented and said he’d have sex with me on my period. I told him if he was not comfortable, that was okay. He seemed to think that period sex is a fetish I have. I must not have explained it correctly because he asked what other things I liked in sex. I really wanted to have this conversation, because I aim to please, but it was already two hours past my bedtime, so I told him that I would love to talk about it another time. Then I went to bed.

——————–

Today I’m grateful that I got through a tough day, that Diego and I were able to disagree, and that we were able to work it out, eventually.

I don’t think I did any acts of kindness today.

I spent 30 minutes in nature today.

I spent $5.75 on parking, $15 on cigarettes and a lighter, $8 on fast food today.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I exercised for 30 minutes today.

I did not follow my diet.

I did not straighten or clean today.

I was not showered and did not brush my teeth today.

My mood fluctuated from neutral to depressed. My temperament was mostly good, but I didn’t like how I reacted to Diego’s beliefs.

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November 29, 2015

I awoke, but didn’t feel very rested. I drove the extra hour and a half to meet my friends. It was good to see them. Then I drove home. I missed an exit and didn’t realize it right away so my GPS took me on another route. Then I hit bad traffic, turning a 3 hour drive into a four and a half hour drive.

When I got home, I called Chandra who had asked me to come over and help her decorate her house. I couldn’t imagine what she needed my help with, but she wanted to put lights all around the ceiling of the room she teaches her spirituality classes in and she’s too short to reach, even with a chair. It felt good to help her out. I did get annoyed because she kept pushing to have me stay and help her more, so I had to be firm.

I got home in just enough time to go to bed to get 8 hours of sleep. Then I got some texts from Diego. I stayed up texting him for about two hours and then went to sleep. I did not smoke a cigarette today!

———————

Today I’m grateful for having a car and money to visit people from far away and I’m grateful that I was able to go without a cigarette for today!

I helped out Chandra with her decorations.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $5 in tolls, $29 in fast food, and $25 in gas today.

I slept for about 6 hours last night, on and off.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet. I mostly did, but bought my favorite dessert at a fast food restaurant.

I did not straighten or clean today.

I was showered but did not brush my teeth today.

My mood fluctuated from contented to neutral. My temperament was good.

November 28, 2015

I awoke in Diego’s arms with a sore throat, feeling very tired. We had morning sex, but I was so afraid of waking my upstairs neighbors that I didn’t enjoy it. He seemed bothered by that fact because he mentioned it several times. It took me a while in hindsight to figure out why I didn’t enjoy it. I wasn’t sure at the time, so I just told him I was very tired, which was also true.

I had planned to get a lot done after he left, but I ended up going back to sleep. I only had time to pack and leave for my youngest sister’s house after I woke up. I made a long drive through a lot of bad traffic. I finished my pack of cigarettes and told myself I was going to make another attempt at quitting.

My sister was having some friends over for dinner. There was little food that I could eat there, but I followed my diet. Then came the dessert. She had made my favorite dessert. I gave in and took a small amount. Then I went back for seconds. And thirds. And fourths. I had never considered myself a compulsive eater before, but this clearly proved otherwise.

Then I had some wine. Her friend has vastly different beliefs than me. As I stated yesterday, blind faith in a book that was written by men of faith and heavily edited since then, doesn’t sit well with me. I caught myself before I was too much of an asshole. I hid a snicker at her beliefs then excused myself to go to bed. The room was cold and the blankets were inadequate. It took me a while to get to sleep. I slept fitfully, tossing and turning, waking up when I got cold or uncomfortable, which was often. I awoke to what sounded like a phone call from my sister. I assumed she had somehow had dialed me in her sleep because it was 2am. I texted her, just in case. She was at the emergency room and her calls didn’t wake her husband up. I woke him up and he explained what happened. She had been having back problems, but after I went to bed, she couldn’t get out of her chair. He convinced her to go to the emergency room. He asked if I could keep an eye on their daughter while he drove to pick her up. I went back to bed and shivered while waiting to hear anything from their sleeping daughter. Eventually, they returned and I went back to sleep.

———————

Today I’m grateful that my health isn’t worse, that I was able to mostly hold my tongue around my sister’s friend, and that I was able to help my sister.

I watched my sister’s daughter when they needed me to.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $30 at the grocery store and $12 on fast food today.

I slept for about 10 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet.

I did not straighten or clean today.

I was showered but did not brush my teeth today.

My mood fluctuated from happy to neutral. My temperament was good.

November 27, 2015

I meant to get a lot done today, but I ended up sleeping in. I suppose I needed it, but felt groggy and lazy for the rest of the day. I did get a number of things done. I straightened out some issues I had with my student loans and a credit card company. I did a lot of holiday shopping online. I heard from Diego mid-afternoon asking if I wanted to see him later. He always asks if we’re going to have sex. I don’t know why. The answer has never been “no”. I invited him to eat here, but he was eating out with a friend.

I cooked some food for myself and the coming week. I was just about to get into the shower when Diego texted me. I was surprised because he was ready so soon. I showered after he got here. We watched a whole movie and then had a lot of good conversations. We discussed some of the lapses in education in our cultures. He stated that they needed to learn about birth control in his country. That many women as young as 15 get pregnant because they don’t use condoms. I stated that our country cares too much about us being smart and knowing so much, that they really don’t education kids on how to be good people anymore.

Then we got into a theological debate. He’s not Catholic like the rest of his country, but he has a lot of blind faith in the bible. I have absolutely no problems with people having faith. I have my own brand of faith. However, he seems to think that the bible has all the answers to life, yet doesn’t know it well enough to debate the point with me. He talked about how the bible states that homosexuality is wrong. I told him what other parts of Leviticus said about mixed cloths, selfish, and facial hair. He didn’t believe me. I procured my bible and he didn’t believe it because it wasn’t in Spanish. I got a little annoyed. He asked if I believed in God. I said yes. He asked if I believed in Jesus. I said yes. I really didn’t go into the fact that I don’t like religions because they tell me how to live my life. I don’t like rules unless I choose them for myself. I could see our religious beliefs getting in the way in the future. I am very inclusive in my beliefs. I believe in letting others live their life their way so long as it doesn’t affect me. That means I don’t mind if people are homosexual. I don’t mind if people are religious so long as they don’t force their beliefs on me.

I was surprised to find that Diego believed that women should dress modestly in public. I do so anyway, but really am not terribly modest in private. That didn’t seem to bother him any.

He also wanted to know when I first was attracted to him. I was honest and explained that I thought he didn’t like me, so I didn’t like him. I explained that my mind had changed when we went out to eat together. Maybe I should have told him that I thought he was really handsome when he came into the restaurant to meet me, but I didn’t. I suppose I seemed heartless by comparison. He liked me from the first moment he saw me. He talked about getting the nerve to give me his number. He talked about how he was afraid I didn’t like Spanish people because I wasn’t terribly friendly to him. I told him that it’s tough to know when you’re being discriminated against because there’s no way to know why other people behave the way they do. Like me, for example. The best way to not feel miserable and injured when you’re treated poorly is to attribute the best of intentions to the other person. It may not be true, but it makes me feel better to think the best of others, even if it’s not true.

We had sex eventually and I guess I was so loud I woke my upstairs neighbors because one came outside to have a cigarette not long afterwards. I felt bad. I drifted off to sleep in Diego’s arms, a little surprised that he wanted to stay the night, but I didn’t mind.

——————————–

Today I’m grateful for good conversations, good sex, and getting back on track with my student loans and credit card payments.

I didn’t do anything kind for anyone today.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $12 on fast food today.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I followed my diet today.

I did not straightened and cleaned today.

I was showered and brushed my teeth today.

My mood fluctuated from happy to tired. My temperament was good.

November 26, 2015

I awoke in Diego’s arms. It was the nicest feeling. I checked my phone and saw a text from my sister asking when she would see me for Thanksgiving. I was pretty vague and told her I would let her know when I was leaving.

Before Diego left, I took a picture of the two of us and asked if I could put it on Facebook. After he left, I updated my relationship status and posted the picture in the comments section. I was surprised at how many people commented wishing us well and congratulating me for finding someone. Several people liked the picture as well.

When I got to my mom’s house, I was surprised at all of the questions everybody asked about Diego. They asked everything from how we met to what country he was from. I was told that he was good-looking. Then my conservative uncle (it seems like everyone has a family member like this) asked if he entered the country legally. I gave him the answer he wanted to hear, which was that he is here legally. I conveniently left out the fact that he initially entered it illegally. My uncle failed to be moved by the few stories Diego told me about the conditions in his country. He even failed to be moved by they story of his young dead cousin, saying that it could happen here. My mom came to the rescue and said it was only likely here in a few sections of some cities. I didn’t understand how someone could be so cold hearted.  It certainly caused my uncle to sink in my esteem.

The rest of Thanksgiving was good. I ate foods I shouldn’t have. An hour or two later, I felt the depression creeping up. I recognized it when I got annoyed with Diego for taking so long to respond to my texts. I didn’t let him know. We had made plans to go hiking tomorrow and he cancelled, saying that he had to go to the immigration office to file some papers. He also has to call his mom. The building she lives in in Guatemala has now become unsafe due to some bad people living in the building. He was going to do what he could to help. I definitely must have been feeling depressed, because I was more annoyed at his cancelling our plans than at worrying about his mother.

I left early, not wanting to be rude or let my depression show too much.

———————

Today I’m grateful for living in a place where I do not need to worry about the safety of my family. I am grateful that I got to see so much of my family today. I am grateful for the fact that my worries are comparatively small compared to people in other areas of the world.

I did no acts of kindness that I could recall today.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent no money today.

I slept for about 10 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet. I ate what I wanted for Thanksgiving dinner and dessert.

I did not straighten or clean today.

I was showered but did not brush my teeth today.

My mood fluctuated from happy/contented to depressed. My temperament was good.

November 25, 2015

I awoke early this morning. I stayed in bed reading until noon. I barely ate anything. I felt like I was in a haze. Was I depressed? Was I just suffering from withdrawal from the world that I had encountered in my book? I didn’t know how I felt. That’s not normal for me. Usually I can discern how I feel.

I thought a lot about Diego as my boyfriend. Did I make the right decision? How would this affect my life? I wondered how I would be able to balance Diego as my boyfriend with my working life. I couldn’t handle many more late nights and continue to work effectively. Or could I? I was too tired to do work effectively before. Could I do it if I pushed myself? Would he understand if I told him I had to be in bed by 8 on weeknights? I was oddly comfortable with the fact that he was now my boyfriend without the distracting overabundance of emotions that I had experienced with boyfriends past. I like many things about Diego, but he is not an intellectual. He didn’t understand my preoccupation with books. He didn’t spell all of his Spanish words correctly, which hindered me in my attempts at translating his words. I hoped that wouldn’t affect things over the long term. I do like him for the many things that he is. I like that we talk about ideas. I like that he works with his hands and enjoys it. I like that he’s sweet, that he clearly cares about me, and that he is happy to have me in his life. I like that he enjoys the simple things in life like movies, cuddling, sex, etc. Maybe after I spent so long (comparatively) just worrying about and taking care of myself, I am unaccustomed and a little afraid of having to figure someone else (and their thoughts and opinions) into my life. I am afraid that I will undo all the good things in my life that I have done for myself recently for his sake. And I am afraid that I am with him because I am afraid of being alone. I will have to work through my fears just as he will have to work through his.

I talked to Kevin about my trepidation and fears. He said it’s only natural. I told him it wasn’t natural for me. I usually am so head-over-heels at the beginning of a relationship that I wonder if we’ll get married and start fantasizing about what our kids would look like (which, in this case, would be damn adorable). Maybe I have reached the stage in my life where I can have a normal beginning of a relationship with its normal fears and reluctance. Kevin also reminded me that I had asked God, the Universe, whoever, for a boyfriend to keep myself away from Juan. It was out of unselfishness that I wanted one. Funny that not long after I asked, I received!

I got the oil changed on my car, then returned home to try and clean up as much as possible before my date with Diego. I actually put on makeup and we went out to the restaurant that his cousin owned. Our conversation was a bit sparse. He talked about applying for a job. Even though he was very qualified, they never called him because of who he was (a Hispanic man). I have lost jobs because of who I was before, but being white, my issues are easier to hide. They don’t just look at my name and decide against me like they do for him. We went back to my place to watch a movie. It was funny and we laughed a lot. We even made it through the whole movie before ending up in the bedroom. We had made plans for him to spend the night. I was reminded yet again how much I love the feeling of his skin against mine. I fell asleep in his arms.

————————————

Today I’m grateful for getting back to eating normally after my fast food slip up today. I’m grateful that I was able to read the morning away. I am grateful that I am not as discriminated against as Diego and other Hispanics in this country (though I do pity them and wish there was something that I could do).

I don’t think I did any acts of kindness today.

I did not spend time in nature today.

I spent $175 getting my oil changed and something fixed on my car, $40 on dinner, and $8 on fast food.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet. I was ravenous after my oil change so I bought fast food.

I straightened and cleaned today.

I was showered and brushed my teeth today.

My mood fluctuated from depressed to happy/content. My temperament was good.

November 24, 2015

Last night I had decided I was going to quit smoking. I finished my pack and told myself that it was going to be my last. Things were going good in my life, so I shouldn’t have a problem quitting.

I awoke to several texts from Diego. He had even tried to call me once. They said:
“Hello, my love.”
“What are you doing?”
“How was work today?”
Something about missing something that I didn’t understand.
Several kissy hearty emojis
“Have a beautiful night, my heart.”
I texted him back and said I was sorry, but that I fell asleep around 7:00.

I awoke late today and ended up on the same train as Diego again. I didn’t have time to eat breakfast or pack a lunch. I told him I had talked to Juan on the train yesterday. He asked what I had told him. I told him that I was tired because I had someone over the night before. I told Diego that Juan had asked many questions, but I didn’t answer all of them. I told him that Juan had asked if I had a boyfriend and I told him that I didn’t know. I asked Diego if he was my boyfriend. He said he had answered me, though I don’t remember getting that text. He said he wanted to get to know me better. I asked him if there was a problem. He said no, that he just wanted to know me better. After that, I was too sad for much further conversation. He hugged me goodbye at the connecting station and said we would talk later.

After he left, I went to the store at the station and bought a pack of cigarettes. As I was smoking, I wondered if it was because I had told him about my mother the other day and as best as I could, my depression. But I reasoned that he had avoided the question before then, so maybe not. Either way, I was instantly thrown into a mild depression, despite the doubts that I had myself yesterday. I just had to get through today and then I had five days off to worry about and deal with it. I decided that we should go back to going out on actual dates rather than our “dates” where he came over, we watched a movie that we talked through and eventually had sex.

I compared what I had with Diego to what I had with Bryan (who was born here, but he was half Porter Rican). It started off intense and he made me believe that he wanted more than sex, but that’s mostly what we did together. While Diego didn’t have kids here or a recent separation, I saw similarities in the situations. My very quick attachment, me being quick to have sex with him, and now his reluctance. Was this a pattern that I was somehow causing by my behavior? Or was it something the Universe kept sending my way over and over until I learn my lesson? What lesson would that be? To not have sex so soon? To not get attached so quickly? I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t control my emotions, I can only control how I react to them. So how can I react to this in a good way?

My workday passed. I received several sweet texts from Diego who also made plans with me for Wednesday night. I insisted on dinner or something else that was not sex first. If he wanted to get to know me better, he would have the opportunity. Also, my married friend (I forgot what name I called him on this blog) texted me again to have sex. I told him no. I told him I had something with a guy, but didn’t know what it was yet. He said that was fine, that we could just do massages. I said maybe, wondering how Diego would react to that. ‘But he’s not my boyfriend,’ I told myself meanly, ‘he doesn’t need to know because he doesn’t have a right to know.’

I took the train home and Juan sat with me as usual. I told him about the friend texting me and how I turned him down. I never voluntarily used Diego’s name, though I wondered why I was reluctant to. I told him that I liked the one man and he was enough for me. He started talking about the various women who were interested in him at various points. He again asked me how long we had sex for. I told him it was for long enough. He then said he can have sex for over an hour. I tried to listen politely, but started looking forward to the end of our train ride. Diego texted me halfway through about his bad day. I tried to hide the texts from Juan after Diego said something about it. Juan saw one and laughed. I couldn’t fathom what was so funny.

When I got home, Diego and I continued to text. He made plans with me to sleep over on Wednesday night. I was surprised, but pleased. He said he was afraid to have a girlfriend because things don’t last long between him and girlfriends. I know he has two kids in Guatemala and wondered about their mother. He hadn’t mentioned her except to call her a liar and say that he was never married to her. He stated that things never lasted long because he has a strong character. I guess he meant a strong personality and said I had one too. That’s true enough. Then he got down to the heart of the issue. He was afraid because we were from different cultures. I told him that’s not important if we work together. We both identified what we did and didn’t like about each others cultures. Then, to my surprise, he said we would be boyfriend and girlfriend. He told me that if there’s something I don’t like, to talk to him before I judge. He said he doesn’t like fights. I told him I always tell the truth, but that some people don’t want to hear the truth all of the time. He said he hoped it wouldn’t be an obstacle. I told him I suspected that our biggest obstacle would be communication until I learned more Spanish. He laughed.

After a day of being disappointed and preparing myself to deal with a Diego that doesn’t want to be my boyfriend, I found myself contemplating what it meant to be his girlfriend. I started wondering and worrying that it meant different things because of our different cultures, but I suppose that is a discussion for another day.
————————

Today I’m grateful for not getting as depressed as I could have over the events of today, I am grateful that this is the last day of work until next Monday, and I am grateful for my boyfriend.

I held the door for someone whose hands were full at the train station.

I spent 25 minutes in nature today. in nature today.

I spent $5.75 on parking and $8 on fast food., $13 on snacks at the m.

I slept for about 8 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I exercised for 25 minutes today.

I did not follow my diet. I didn’t have time to make food, so I bought food.

I did not straighten or clean today.

I was showered but did not brush my teeth today.

My mood fluctuated from depressed to neutral a few times, but always tired. My temperament was good.

November 23, 2015

I woke up very tired. It was all I could do to drag myself out of bed after the 5th time I hit the snooze button. I was very groggy and drove to the train feeling very hazy. I tried to sleep on the train, but I failed.

My walk to work was cold this morning. I thought about something Diego said last night about how he just focused on work when he didn’t have a woman. I thought about the numerous times I was depressed because I didn’t have a man and wondered why I didn’t focus on my job as a source of contentment and happiness. Then I thought about it. As a special area teacher, I kept getting laid off from various school districts due to budget cuts. It seemed that once I got attached to the school and the students, I had to leave again. I cried every time, but not usually where the students could see me. I tried not to find happiness in my work because then I got attached to the happiness, to the work. Then I got more upset when I got laid off. In the past two months, I had been focusing on my work to try and placate the feelings of loneliness. Now, it seems that things with Diego are overshadowing my work in my list of priorities. Either that, or I am just too tired that I can’t concentrate on work. Both are a serious possibility. I’d like to think that it’s the latter. I will find out soon enough. I intend to catch up on sleep during Thanksgiving break. I think the moral of this story is to not get too attached to anything. That’s easier said than done, however!

Juan wasn’t on the train this morning. To be honest, I was relieved. The more I talk to Diego, the more I’m convinced that Juan is not a nice person. In a random conversation with Diego about various forms of immigrants being here, he told me that green cards have to be renewed every 10 years. Juan has said several times that he has been here for 22 years, so he just made up that green card shit to steer the conversation towards asking me to marry him. That pissed me off. Diego also had some instances where he was not terribly respectful. Also, I think Juan was lying about going to work with Diego in March. Diego has mentioned that Juan has asked him to get his son a job a few times, but never said anything about asking for one for himself, which is something that he told me.

I spent the day at work trying to be as enthusiastic as I could towards the students. I tried not to show how tired I was. I hoped it was effectual. Diego had the day off and really didn’t text me much at all. I started to doubt things with him. What was I doing with this guy? I really didn’t know him well. He seemed mostly interested in the sex at this point. He kept avoiding the boyfriend question. He was really very common looking. Last night, I noticed the lines in his face and they seemed more prominent. I noticed the irregularities in his teeth when he smiled. I thought about the endearments he used while texting and started to think maybe they were just words. I wondered what I was doing. I was so exhausted, though, I wondered if my judgement was even accurate right now.

In the afternoon, I saw Juan and sat with him on the train. I told him I was very tired because I had a man over the night before. He said that I looked sad. I told I wasn’t sad, only very tired (which was true). He asked several questions, some of which I answered. I debated whether or not to answer the inquiry as to whether or not I had sex. I would have told my friends this, had they asked, so I told him the truth. I refused to answer the details he asked for, such as how long we had sex for. Apparently “none of your business” doesn’t translate well into Spanish. After several failed attempts to convey that what he was asking was rude, I finally took the humorous route and told him it’s not like I was looking at a clock. Then he started talking about how he likes to go slowly and play a long time before having sex, but there were few things his wife liked. I didn’t comment. He asked about my boyfriend. I told him that the man from the night before was not my boyfriend. I instantly sunk into a reverie about Diego’s reluctance.

When I got home, I still hadn’t had any texts from Diego since lunch. I told myself not to worry or think about it. That things were fading between us already and the other doubts from before resurfaced. I was too tired to care or think much about them. I went to bed as soon as I got home. I immersed myself in the world of my book until I drifted off to sleep sometime around 7:30.

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Today I’m grateful for a diverting book, a warm bed, and the ability to get a full night’s sleep!

If I did something good, I don’t remember what it is.

I spent 25 minutes in nature today.

I spent $5.75 on parking and $3 on fast food.

I slept for about 5 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did 25 minutes of exercise today.

I didn’t follow my diet today. I was too tired to make rational decisions, so I ended up stuffing my face with various foods that I shouldn’t have.

I did not straighten or clean today.

I was showered but did not brush my teeth today.

I was so tired that I couldn’t even tell what my mood was. My temperament was good.

November 22, 2015

I slept poorly on my couch. I awoke early and was not very well rested. I got to the laundromat right after it opened to wash my blankets and sheets. After I finished, I caught the early show of the last Mockingjay movie. As I waited for the movie to start, I texted Diego. He had never answered my question last night and I was worried he had misinterpreted something that I wrote. It turns out, he had. He asked if I had sex with Jason. I told him no and that I never even kissed Jason. I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend again. He ignored the question. The movie was sadder than I expected and I cried. I think I was crying a lot because of the movie and a little because of Diego’s uncertainty.

After the movie, I drove to my friend Rebecca’s house for her birthday. The depressed feeling from crying was hard to get rid of. Several of my friends were there. I enjoyed seeing them again, but I was also really tired. I was reluctant to talk about Diego. It wasn’t for any reason except that they have seen me through all of the ups and downs of my love life since I split up with my ex-husband and I didn’t want to burden them with more of it. Also with Diego’s reluctance to discuss the boyfriend issue, I really didn’t want to talk about it because talking about it would make me worry about it more. Rebecca asked about my love life, however. I told them I was seeing somebody new. She inquired whether he was single, kind, and makes me happy. She gathered from the smile on my face that things were good. Diego kept texting me throughout the duration of the my time there. I felt kind of rude texting him, but I discovered that when I didn’t, I started falling asleep. I had to choose between two ways of being rude. I chose to continue texting and joined in the conversations the best that I could.

During the texts between me and Diego, we made plans for the evening. I got home, cleaned up my apartment, showered, and put the cleaned sheets and blankets on my bed. I took the blankets and pillows off of the couch. I wanted no reason for him to suspect that anything happened between me and Jason, even though I slept there because a cat peed on my blankets. It was a good night. We discussed the difference between relationships between his country and here. I tried to tell him that here all people are different, that everyone has different backgrounds and customs. He said that many people here don’t care about others, that they’re “cold”, that I’m not like them because I had a good heart. He said that here when a husband and wife go to a party, they spend time on opposite ends of the room. I thought about the insisted independence of my ex-husband. He made me feel like I was needy and selfish for wanting his attention when we were out together, so for a long time I thought I was needy and selfish. Now I have a man who likes me for all that I am. He’s telling me that it’s not kind to behave that way. A man who seems drawn to the parts of me that I had always considered faults; trifling things (to me) that I’ve had American men complain about. A man who hadn’t had sex for three years before he met me. A man who won’t give me a straight answer when I bring up the boyfriend issue, even though he brought it up after our first date. I didn’t push the issue since I spent half the day explaining that nothing happened with me and Jason. The sex was good. I dropped him off around 11 and knew I would be tired at work the next day. But I didn’t care.

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Today I’m grateful for good friends, getting to do everything I wanted to today, and for good sex.

I left a small stack of quarters on top of the change machine at the laundromat and donated $5 at the grocery store to feed local families on Thanksgiving.

I did not spend time in nature today.

I spent $10 on laundry, $13 on snacks at the movie theater, $15 at the grocery store, and $32 in gas today.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did no exercise today.

I mostly followed my diet. I didn’t realize there was added sugar in the yams a friend made.

I straightened and cleaned today.

I was showered and brushed my teeth today.

My mood fluctuated from depressed to happy a few times, but always tired. My temperament was good.

November 21, 2015

I awoke late to the smell of Diego’s cologne on the pillow next to me. I remembered that I was supposed to go hiking with Jason today. I didn’t want to go, but I said I would and I like to keep my word, so I went. The conversations and company were good. We talked about many subjects and had many laughs. I found myself comparing him with Diego. Diego wouldn’t understand most of the references and the large words I used with Jason.

When we were almost done with our hike, Jason invited me to dinner, where we talked more and had more laughs. Jason then invited himself to my apartment. We stopped at a store that had a good alcohol selection and we picked up some alcohol. Then we headed to my place.

He followed me there in his car. I thought about things, wondering at my choice to allow him to come over. I knew he liked me and wanted something to happen with me there. I thought about the connection I had with Diego and compared the two. Diego and I had an amazing connection. When I was in his arms, I felt like I belonged there. Jason and I had an intellectual connection that Diego and I may never have. Jason was cute and good to talk to, but he was 12 years younger and Diego was only 3 years older. I kept telling myself that I needed to spurn any advances that Jason made for Diego’s sake, but I was never very good at spurning advances, as those of you who have read some of my past entries may know.

We arrived at my place and I realized that I had accidentally locked my one cat in my bedroom while I was gone. We started drinking. Diego was texting me sporadically throughout. Jason has asked me more about the Spanish guys I had mentioned on the train, so I mentioned the fact that I had three dates with Diego, but that I didn’t know what it was yet. He asked if all of the Spanish guys were as smooth with women as their reputation started. I told him Diego was a smooth talker, but rather shy in real life. Then Jason tried to put his arm around me. I looked at him and said, “No.” I realized that it was Diego that I wanted. I texted him and asked if he still wanted to be my boyfriend. I received no response.

Jason and I continued to hang out. I told him that he was cute and I had a lot of fun with him today (both of which were true), but that I had something going on with Diego. I just didn’t know what, yet. Jason was pretty good about it and stayed a while longer, but eventually left. He gave me a hug and said he’d let me know if he was ever hiking in the area again.

I was disappointed in the lack of response from Diego, but concluded that he probably fell asleep, which was why he never responded. We were up pretty late last night and he had to work all day, so it made sense that he would have fallen asleep early. I was still disappointed from not hearing back from him. I was pretty buzzed when I climbed into bed, only to realize that it was wet. My cat had peed in it while she was locked in there. I grabbed a spare blanket and climbed onto the sofa, making sure to take the pillow that smells like Diego with me.
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Today I’m grateful for a body that is still capable of hiking, for intelligent conversations, and for a sense of direction in choosing one guy (and having the wherewithal to do it).

I didn’t do any acts of kindness that stand out in my mind.

I spent about 3 hours in nature today.

I spent $13 on dinner and $15 on alcohol today.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did about 3 hours of exercise today.

I did not follow my diet. I ate pizza for dinner.

I cleaned today, but did not straighten.

I was showered but did not brush my teeth today.

My mood was happy and tired all day. My temperament was good.