February 25, 2015

This morning I woke up at 4:30, but kept going back to sleep.  When I finally did get up, my back hurt so badly that walking was painful. Again, I had to choose which morning chores to accomplish.  I didn’t get to do much.  I was also quite stressed as my workload has increased a lot this week.

I had a decent day at work and then I went to the chiropractor.  I was looking forward to any relief he could give to my pain.  Unfortunately, he couldn’t get my lower back to crack at all.

When I got home, I was so tired that I fell asleep.  The next thing I remember was Bryan knocking on the door.  We spent the night cuddling and watching movies.  I fell asleep in his arms.  It was such a nice feeling!

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De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither today

Hygiene: I didn’t shower or brush my teeth today.

Mood and temperament: My mood varied from stressed to happy to content.  My temperament was fine today.

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February 24, 2015

I awoke VERY tired.  I slept poorly last night. It might have been because my apartment was too hot.  And for me to say something is too hot is extremely rare.  Because of my hypothyroidism, my extremities are usually cold, so I am always complaining of cold.  For it to be too hot to wake me up means it is VERY hot. I kept drifting in and out of sleep, even after my alarm went off.

My day was pretty average.  I don’t know if my students were more difficult today or if I just had less energy than usual.  I had to stay after to work on the musical.  Then I had to meet with my principal to discuss various topics about the musical and it took TWO HOURS!  I got home around 8pm and was so tired that I just zoned out. My back was hurting  a lot too, so I didn’t really want to do anything other than sit or lay on the couch.  I think I finally went to bed around 10, but got nothing done.

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De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I showered yesterday and brushed my teeth today.

Mood and temperament: My mood fluctuated, but I spent a lot of time time tired.  Ugh, why am I so tired lately!?

February 23, 2015

This morning I awoke around 4:30 with a feeling of dissatisfaction with my life and a need to run to the bathroom.  I have two theories about why each has happened.  The dissatisfaction is clearly a symptom of depression.  I am unsure what caused the depression, but it may be the fact that I have been off of work for a week or the fact that I’ve been finishing off all of the wheat products in my apartment in preparation for actually following a diet next month.  I think that the same could have caused my need to run to the bathroom this morning or the new thyroid pills.  I HAVE been experiencing this a lot lately, which may be a combination of the pills and me eating gluten.  That seems to be when I have problems.

As far a my dissatisfaction with life goes, I felt like everything I was doing in life was meaningless.  Thinking about my daily activities, I wondered what the point of my life was.  I spend my time trying to keep myself clean, keep my apartment clean, and try and just treat water with my finances.  I’m in my mid-30s.  What have I actually done with my life?

The rest of my day back to work was okay.  I bought the school lunch because I hadn’t packed anything.  My back started to hurt near the end of my workday.  By the time I got home, it was so bad, I had to take a shower-bath instead of a shower.  It hurt too much to stand for too long. I was REALLY tired and had contemplated a nap as soon as I got home, but told myself I would be better off if I just got all of my things done now.  As a result, very little got done. I did my best, but I really ended up wasting a lot of time on the internet.  I was looking at land that I could purchase so I could have a house, grow my own food, etc.  I also want to have goats.  I don’t have any money, so I suppose it was a bit of a moot point.  I also was looking at ways to grow your own food in a tiny space (like my current apartment).  I bought an e-book about growing a lot of food in a 4’x4′ space.  I skimmed through it, but it really didn’t seem to be worth the money I paid for it.  I’ll read it in more detail later, I guess.

I even procrastinated going to bed, so I won’t even get a full night’s sleep.

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De-cluttering and cleaning: I did both.  I completely scrubbed and cleaned the bathroom floor.  It looks so pretty now!  I really only have to clean the toilet tomorrow and then all I will need to focus on is maintenance cleaning!  I am almost done with my first room when it comes to de-cluttering things in plain sight.  I guess it’s pretty obvious that de-cluttering is more my issue than cleaning.

Hygiene: I showered and brushed my teeth today.

Mood and temperament: My temperament was good, but my mood was bad.  I was often tired and often depressed.

February 22, 2015

When I awoke this morning, my depression had thankfully faded.  We had slept 10 hours and I was still tired when I awoke.  I made pancakes, we had sex, then he left.  I had spent almost my entire break with Bryan.  It was wonderful, but I had expected to get so much more accomplished.  Once he was gone, I started to worry about all of the things I had meant to accomplish that I did not.  I put my to-do list together and then got distracted/focused on one specific project.

I was very tired all day long, but spent the majority of it working on that one project.  I got a lot done with regards to that particular project, but otherwise, did not accomplish much.

I also started going through my cupboards in preparation for next month’s focus.  I’m kind of nervous because this is an area where I need SERIOUS help!  Maybe it’s good that this one is next!

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De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I brushed my teeth, but my hair is quite oily at this point from a lack of showering.

Mood and temperament: Neutral with the tendency to fluctuate both up and down throughout the day.

February 21, 2015

After our typical morning sex, Bryan made me breakfast in bed.  Then we left to go out to lunch with my friend Dan.  While I did tell Bryan that I had had sex with several of my friends, but that if I wanted to date my friends, I wouldn’t be dating Bryan.  He seemed pretty content with that speech, so I decided not to tell him specifically that I had slept with Dan several times this summer.  We went out to lunch.  I had a coupon for 20% off of one order, so I told everyone that they could just give me the money for their meal.  I thought that made it pretty clear that everyone was paying for themselves.  Bryan took out his wallet to try and pay me, when Dan thanked me for buying him lunch.  Several times.  So Bryan put his money away too.  Having to buy that car battery caused me to spend money that I really didn’t have to spend.  I didn’t have the extra money to buy everyone lunch this week.  Maybe I should have said something, but I also had guilty feelings about sleeping with Dan this summer while having no interest in him (even though I told him that I didn’t) and of not telling Bryan specifically that I had slept with Dan.

Bryan and I had other plans, but due to the weather, we spent the night in.  It was very nice at first.  I cooked some food for us.  Then I tried to update my blog for the day before.  I was almost done when the screen froze and I lost everything I was working on.  My mood just plummeted.  The same thing could have happened to me on a different day and I would have been annoyed, but otherwise fine.  I entered into a mild depression.  Bryan instantly knew something had changed.  He asked me what was wrong.  I tried to explain that the fact that I lost my blog affected me more than it should have.  He kindly told me I should work on my blog and then maybe it would go away.  It didn’t.  He tried to cheer me up, but the only thing that I really wanted to to do was cuddle with him.  I know it bothered him, but there was really nothing I could do.  I later fell asleep cuddling with him.

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De-cluttering and cleaning:  I didn’t do either today.

Hygiene: I didn’t brush my teeth or shower today.

Mood and temperament: My mood was decent at the beginning of the day and went downhill from there.

February 20, 2015

This morning, Bryan and I woke up early so I could climb into the made-up couch.  When his kids woke up, they came down and “woke” me up.  He got them ready to go to daycare, but the youngest actually came over and asked me to braid her hair!  Priceless!  It was a good feeling!

While Bryan was at work, I met my friend Dan to go hiking, even though it was really cold out.  I almost fell asleep while driving to meet him, even though it was early afternoon. I hadn’t seen Dan in a while because he had moved away.  He’s an odd friend.  I had slept with him several times over the course of last summer.  It was mostly because I my self-esteem was low, he showed interest, and my boyfriend at the time and I were seeing other people.  I really had no interest in him, but he got rather attached to me.  I should have listened to my logic, but I didn’t.  He is also rather annoying.  It was much easier to sleep with him than it was to hang out with him and listen to him talk.  I know that sounds like an asshole thing to say, but it really is true.  Thankfully, he spent most of our hike pointing out the beautiful features of the landscape.

I spent the evening with my friend Bridget and a few other friends.  In the course of conversation, I mentioned my mom’s mental health issues.  I thought I had mentioned them before, but apparently not.   Bridget was trained as a therapist.  She stated that it made a lot of sense that my stay-at-home mom was undiagnosed for much of my life.  Her diagnosis ended up being “depressive with psychotic episodes”.  I asked her why it made sense.  She told me that it was because of all of the issues I have.  It was weird, but in that moment, I realized that I no longer identified with the fact that I have issues.  My issues were no longer part of my identity.  It was a wonderful and refreshing moment for me!

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De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither today because I didn’t go home.

Hygiene: I showered yesterday, but did not brush my teeth today.

Mood and temperament: I was happy and my temperament was good.

February 19, 2015

I woke up early this morning in order to get Bryan’s kids ready for their daycare.  He woke them up before he left and they were remarkably easy to get ready.  The older kid was already dressed when he came downstairs.  The younger one hung out in her pajamas for a little while, not quite awake.  I was going to give her some time to wake up before I tried to dress her.  Her older brother clearly got impatient and dressed her himself.  The daycare feeds them, so the only other thing I really had to do was make sure they brushed their teeth.  The younger one requested that I brushed her teeth for her.   It felt really weird to brush someone else’s teeth, but I tried my best!  I also brushed her hair and braided it for her.

Bryan had invited me to stay for a few days, so I went home to pack.  While I was there, I made sure to shower, brush my teeth, clean, and de-clutter.  I was SO TIRED, so it took me longer than usual.  When I got back, Bryan was there.  I had hoped to get some work done, but that didn’t end up happening.  We did spend some time together before the kids came home.

I helped Bryan’s oldest with his homework.  Then we all made cookies.  Both of his kids seemed like good kids.  We got along really well!  The evening seemed like a dream.  I felt like I was playing house as an adult.  It felt wonderful, but also a little alien.  I really enjoyed myself, even though I couldn’t touch Bryan.  We had decided to make sure the kids knew me for a few months before telling them we were romantically involved.  We had to wait until his kids were asleep before we could go to his room and go to sleep.  We made up the couch downstairs like a bed, to make his kids think that’s where I was sleeping.

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De-cluttering and cleaning: I did both today.

Hygiene: I showered and brushed my teeth today.

Mood and temperament: Both fluctuated between happy and very happy.

February 18, 2015

I went to the chiropractor and the dentist today.  The chiropractor made a MARKED difference in my shoulder, which had been bothering me.  I had a lot of dental work done and my mouth was pretty sore afterwards.  I managed to get a lot done before I left to go to Bryan’s house.

His ex-wife dropped his kids off significantly late, so I only really spent a few minutes with them before they had to get ready for bed.  It was enough time to put me at my ease.  I had felt pretty worried that they wouldn’t like me, but everything went well, so I cheered up significantly.

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De-cluttering and cleaning: I de-cluttered and cleaned today.  I am almost done with cleaning my bathroom, which is the last room in my apartment.  After that, it will just be specialty cleaning and maintenance!  It’s going to take a lot longer to finish de-cluttering.  I am still working on my living room as far as de-cluttering goes.

Hygiene: I showered the day before and brushed my teeth today.

Mood and temperament: Other than being worried about his kids liking me, I was very happy and content.

February 17, 2015

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I have the week off of work due to Presidents Day.  I got up early for a chiropractor appointment and my car wouldn’t start.  It wasn’t the first time.  I tried jump starting it and it wouldn’t work again. I got really depressed.  It was an easy fix.  I needed a battery pack to jump it so I could go and purchase a new battery.  I think it was because I felt all alone with nobody to help me.  I knew both Bryan and my step-dad had the necessary equipment.  But Bryan was an hour away and my step-dad lives two hours away.  I hated feeling so alone and friend-less.   I called up Bryan and asked him if he would be in this area any time in the next few days. I felt bad having to call him, especially considering he had just told me he was behind on getting stuff done.He was down here around 14:00.  He helped me get it started, then we went to the auto parts store for a new battery terminal and a new battery.  I guess the bad terminal was why my car wasn’t charging.  I was very surprised to see that the last battery was the original one that came with my car.  My car is 9 years old with 230,000 miles on it.  Go Nissan!

It took me quite a while to pull myself out of the mild depression I was in.  A few hours with Bryan fixed it.  I hate that I wrote that statement.  Yes, it’s nice that he can cheer me up, but I’m still afraid that I’m using him to find happiness. Bryan stayed for a while afterwards. He was complaining to me that he had to leave for work tomorrow  before the daycare place opens.  I told him that in six months, I’d be happy to help with that scenario, since I don’t work this week.  I really didn’t mean to push things.  I really didn’t.  But he invited me to spend the night on his couch tomorrow night and meet his kids.  I had just finished convincing myself it was a good thing I wasn’t meeting them yet.  And now I’ll be meeting them tomorrow.  I don’t mind helping him out one bit, especially since he drove all the way here to help me.  However, I’m concerned about two things.  The first was that after saying I wasn’t going to meet his kids for six months, he changed his mind. The second is now I’m nervous about meeting them and kind of worried that they’re not going to like me.  I keep trying to tell myself he was in a very difficult situation and that’s why he changed his mind.  I also keep telling myself that I work with kids on a daily basis and kids usually love me.  That doesn’t stop me from being nervous on both counts.

While we were spending time together, Bryan told me he thinks he loves me and that he had been holding back from saying anything.  Wow.  I think I wrote that same exact thing a few days ago myself!  As always, I enjoyed the time I spent with him.  He left around 19:00 and I fell asleep maybe an hour later.

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De-cluttering and cleaning: I did both today!

Hygiene: I showered, but fell asleep before I could brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood shifted a lot from depressed to very happy. My temperament was good.

February 16, 2015

I woke up at 4am and meditated for some minutes (I have no idea how many) before I went back to sleep.  I spent most of the day with Bryan since I had the day off.  It was a very good day.  We spent most of it in his bedroom doing the usually things we do when we’re together like kissing, cuddling, etc.  The time when he was supposed to pick his kids up came too quickly.  I greatly enjoyed my time with him, as always.  I’m really getting very attached to him.  The word “love” has entered my mind a lot in relation to him.  I haven’t told him, of course.  I’m waiting for him to say it to me.  I don’t want to scare him with my level of regard for him if he’s not there yet himself.

When I got home we got in our first “argument”.  He said he couldn’t come and see me on Wednesday and I said it was just as well.  He said that was good for him too because he had stuff to do.  I continued my thought by stating it was just as well because I was having a lot of dental work done that day and I probably would be fit to see.  But the damage was done and felt kind of hurt by the fact that he wanted to get things done rather than spend time with me.  I told him it hurt my feelings.  He tried to qualify it, but it came out even worse.  He said the stupid stuff he needs to do is more important than me because he does it for his kids.  Yes, I understand intellectually that his kids are important.  But I really only got to the part where he said that stupid stuff was more important than me when my emotions started to take over.  I need to do a better job of separating myself from him or breaking the addiction cycle or whatever it is.  He apologized for his language stating that he’s tired.  I apologized and stated that it probably bothered me more than usual because I was tired.  I suppose it’s not bad for a first “argument”, but am concerned that our first “argument” has come so early in the relationship.  It doesn’t bode well for the rest of it.

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De-cluttering and cleaning: I didn’t do either.  I spent most of the day with Bryan and the rest of it extremely tired and sleepy.

Hygiene: I didn’t brush my teeth or shower.

Mood and temperament: I started out the day content and slowly sunk into the kind of numbness that comes with being tired, excepting the aforementioned “argument”.