November 21-26, 2016

Monday and Tuesday
My few days of work this week seemed surreal.  I was afraid I’d throw up and give myself away.  Thankfully, there was no chance of that.  The coffee in the faculty room seemed incredibly pungent and it was difficult for me to breathe in there, so I avoided going in there.  Being pregnant seemed my priorities changed overnight and I really didn’t care about my lesson plans all that much anymore.  I’m not sure if that was a reaction to being pregnant or just because I know I won’t be working there much longer.  I had known that I was going to be looking for another job at the end of the school year, but now there was the chance that I’d have to find one during the school year.  I also had a chat with my principal and played up my hypothyroidism.  I told her that my thyroid was acting up and that because my weight was fluctuating, I’d have to go to the doctor more often for tests and that it might be scheduled during school.  Sure enough, my first meeting with my OBGYN could only be scheduled at 11am, for some reason.  I hope they’re not all like that!

Wednesday
We had our first appointment with the special nurse (I forget her title, but I know she’s an RN).  It went well.  A lot of it we had already known thanks to internet research and a book I had picked up.  It included explanations of what not to eat, what tests I’d be getting, what would happen at my appointment with the OBGYN, discussions of my diet, how much weight I should gain (not much, since I’m already “obese”), and discussions of my thyroid medication.  I explained the situation with my endocrinologist and exactly what she said about my medication, how she doesn’t take pregnant patients who are on a medication with T3 as well as T4.  I also explained that the American Thyroid Association states that pregnancy with a T4 medication is fine, but that there’s no research to state whether or not T3 is a problem.  The RN told me to stay on the medication that I’m taking and that the OBGYN would refer me to an endocrinologist in their practice when I meet with her in a few weeks.  The RN gave me a book on pregnancy along with several pamphlets.

When we got home, I called my dad and told him.  He seemed quite happy, which surprised me.  I never could quite figure out my father anyway.  He really wasn’t consistent with his words and his deeds, but I was at least glad he acted happy.

Thursday
Turkey day came and it was good, other than the fact that I felt queasy all day.  I wished I had worn a sports bra.  My breasts were sore and every hug hurt.  Today, the smell of Fritos being eaten was particularly nauseating and I ran to the bathroom a few times, but didn’t throw up.  It was great spending time among family, even though I wasn’t feeling well the entire time.  Everyone present already knew I was pregnant, but it was a small gathering. My mom gave us books.  I got one on pregnancy and Kyle got one on fathers-to-be.  Kyle and my middle sister’s husband got along amazingly well!  I was glad he was quickly becoming part of the family!  It didn’t help that my middle sister’s husband spent the whole time joking about us having twins.  Twins run in both sides of my family and on one side of Kyle’s family.  And being over 35 and overweight makes it more likely that I’ll have twins too.  Kyle and I discussed that possibility on the way home.

When we got home, Kyle called his mom and told her about me being pregnant.  She said she was happy, but didn’t really sound it.  I hoped things would be okay.  Kyle talked with her later via text and she revealed why she didn’t sound too happy.  She was concerned that she’d never get to see this grandchild either (Kyle’s sister has kids in a faraway state that she never gets to see).  While we live a long drive away, it’s not like she’d never get to keep the kid.

Friday
My youngest sister couldn’t make it to my mom’s house yesterday, so me and Kyle went back to give her the news in person.  She’s pregnant too, only she’s due in April!  She was happy for me and we spent most of the time talking about pregnancy stuff.  Her husband wasn’t along, so Kyle seemed to feel very out of place.

When we got home, Kyle and I had sex before he left for work.  While he was gone, I had cramping, it felt like menstrual cramps.  Then I went to the bathroom and noticed that I had started to bleed. Was it even blood?  It looked pink.  I got scared I was having a miscarriage and called the doctor’s office.  I told them everything that happened, including having sex (which isn’t supposed to harm a pregnancy).  The nurse said she’d check with a doctor and call back.  I wandered around the apartment, cleaning like a crazy person, waiting for that phone call.  They finally returned it and said if the cramping or bleeding didn’t worsen, I would be fine.  Within a few hours, the bleeding went away, but the cramping didn’t.

Saturday
I awoke at my usual time, but fell back asleep several times.  When I finally did get up, my head felt off, like I was getting sick.  I still had those menstrual-like cramps.  I looked it up on the internet and it said that it was normal and it was just  my uterus stretching.  According to the books I read, the embryo (it’s not even considered a fetus yet) is only the size of a sweet pea, now that today marks the beginning of my 6th week.  Why the fuck does my uterus need to stretch that much for something that small!?

After mustering all my strength to make myself a healthy breakfast and lunch and take all of my supplements, Kyle and I decided to have a fast food dinner.  I’m wondering if there’s something I’m missing in my diet because after I ate that food (double cheeseburger, fries, a small milkshake, and a soda), I felt a lot better. I tried to think what nutritional elements had been present in that meal.  There was a lot of fat, salt, carbs, and calories, with a small amount of protein.  I realized that I needed to fix my diet, but how? Which of those things made me feel better? I guess I’ll have to experiment and find out!

November 19-21, 2016

Saturday, November 19, 2016
Because I was waiting to get my period so I could get those lab tests, I was paying close attention to my period and had expected to get it any day.  Last Tuesday was exactly a month from the date of my last period.  I waited five days and then took a pregnancy test.  It was positive. It was a cheap test and the plus sign was kind of faint.  I still called my oldest sister and told her about it.  My first reaction was fear.  As soon as I left the bathroom and told Kyle the result, he hugged me with a big grin on his face.  I did not have to worry about him supporting me.  We both wanted kids, but I honestly didn’t expect to be pregnant so soon!

We spent the day in various states of shock, happiness, and excitement.  We decided to get a good pregnancy test and try it again the next day.  We went hiking together and I had my first bout of morning sickness.  It came on suddenly and I was only able to walk a few steps off of the trail before I threw up.  That settled it for me and I set up an appointment for my 6-week check-up.  It wouldn’t be with my gynocologist, but someone else.  I also found that they start counting the weeks of pregnancy from the date of my last period, so technically I’m in my 5th week.  I felt queasy for the rest of the day.  We went shopping and the smell of the chicken in the supermarket also made me feel like I wanted to throw up.

Sunday November 20, 2016
The next morning, I got up early and took the second test.  It took less than 30 seconds before it came up with the answer: pregnant.  It was very clear.  It became real.  I looked some information up online and found out that  I also discovered that the fetus is the size of a sesame seed.  Because I felt weird calling it “it”, I started calling it my “little sesame seed”.  I’ll probably come up with a different name for next week when it’s bigger!

I realized that I need to start telling people, at least my close family members.  I called my mom and made plans for me to stop in the afternoon.  I planned a cute way to tell my her.  I was unsure of how she was going to react.  She knows I’ve always wanted kids, but it’s a bit early in our relationship and we’re not married.  My stomach was full of butterflies on the whole way there!   Well, I apparently had nothing to worry about.  She seemed to be in shock for a minute or two, but then she jumped up and hugged me.  I was really relieved!  I decided to wait for another day to tell my dad.

There was also the issue of work to think about.  I worked in a school district that I knew would fire me if I was pregnant and unmarried. Of course, it’s illegal, but it’s easy to make up some infraction that was worthy of firing over.  It happened a few years ago to the French teacher.  As soon as she started to show, she just disappeared and never came back.  Being on the larger side, I will have longer before people start to notice, especially if I manage to hide it with creative clothing choices.  Even so, I’ll be at about 8 months by the time school ends in June.  I doubt I can hide it that long.  I could always fake a marriage by getting a wedding ring and wearing it to work, assuming they’d believe it. The best plan is to try and find a teaching job mid-year, which is difficult.  There tend to be very few openings during the school year unless someone is found to be very unfit to teach or they quit for whatever reason.  For professional reasons, I hate leaving in the middle of the school year, but I feel like I really don’t have a choice.

Monday, November 21, 2016
I have been commenting loudly to anyone who will listen about how I’ve been losing weight and how my hypothyroidism is acting up.  I made my 8 week appointment today and my principal was very unhappy about it, but I really wasn’t given much of a choice as for different times or days I could do it and it had to be that week.  I suppose I shouldn’t be too worried about what she thinks, but until I find something else, she is my boss.

I haven’t had any incidence of morning sickness since Saturday, but I have had several food aversions. The smell of brewing coffee in the faculty room is overpowering, so I have mostly learned to steer clear from there.  I can’t stand the smell of bleach either.  Also, apples bother me too.  I always liked apples, so that’s an odd one.  I’m just grateful that they haven’t caused me to throw up anymore.  After throwing up on Saturday, I was concerned about throwing up at work.  Thankfully it hasn’t been a problem.  I just hope it will continue not to be!

Friday November 11, 2016

I went to my first gynecologist visit ever today. My periods had shortened to two days in length since August. I was concerned about my fertility, so my doctor referred me to a gynecologist. It was an interesting visit. I liked my doctor immediately. She just seemed like the kind of person who likes what she does and that you can trust. When I asked her a question she didn’t know the answer to, she said she didn’t know but that she would find out. I hate it when doctors lie and make up an answer when they don’t know. She told me that my shortened periods weren’t as much of a problem because I was still getting them. She was more concerned about my weight and the fact that I used to smoke. She encouraged me to lose 10% of my weight and said that would increase my fertility. I told her I was working on it (I’m down 4lbs just from eating three meals a day and only the meals that I logged the night before). Still, that’s 22lbs and it seemed like a big number. I’m glad I broke my goals into smaller numbers because they somehow seem easier to achieve. She told me that she’d like to get some blood-work when I’m on the second day of my period to know for sure what levels I have and what’s concerning for my fertility. So now I will have to wait until I get my period and then go to the lab.

At the end of the visit, she asked me how long it has been since I used any method of birth control. I told her it was only since September and that we really hadn’t been trying, we just hadn’t been trying to prevent it. Without knowing my story or my situation, she recommended that I try for 6 months and then we would know if I had a fertility problem or not. I stared at her, a little bit in shock. She continued to say that I’m 37 years old and that if I want to have kids, so I should start now. I just worry about it being so soon in my relationship with Kyle. We’re still learning to live with each other. A pregnancy and baby are a lot to add into the mix in a new relationship. I don’t know. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I don’t have much time.

When I got home, I made sure to take my multivitamins so I have enough folic acid. I also called up my mom and sisters and explained my eating program and my emergency plan and asked if I could call them if I’m feeling like going off of my food plan. It was difficult to do, to admit to my mom and younger sisters that I had a problem with food. They didn’t argue, so maybe they already knew.

I also found someone online who is doing a similar program to me. We’re both starting around the same time and have both agreed to help keep each other accountable! I hope this weight loss thing works, but with the added reason of becoming more fertile and have less of a chance of birth defects, I definitely have more of a reason to lose weight than ever!

The Plan (for Weight-Loss)

I thought a lot about a lot of the various weight loss methods that I have tried over the years. The only one that was successful was honestly a bit unhealthy and no longer works for me. I lost weight close to 15 years ago by counting calories. Most people would say that it’s not a terribly unhealthy approach. But what most people visualize is healthier food at reasonable serving sizes. That’s not exactly how I did it. When I got a food craving, say for a Big Mac. Fries, and milkshake, I’d have that and count that as my calories for the day. I literally ate nothing else.

Unfortunately, with my thyroid the way it is, that plan will no longer work. I have tried several eating plans since then. I’ve tried detox diets, the blood type one, shakes, counting calories, low-glycemic, paleo, and high-protein. I have come to the conclusion that I can’t follow these diets. What I didn’t realize was the reason why.

Maybe it’s because my head is all messed up either from my ex-husband’s gaslighting or my depression, but I have been exhibiting signs of a compulsive overeater. I had always had this picture in my mind of compulsive overeaters sneaking a giant bag of cookies into a closet and eating where no one would see them. I pictured them being the ones who can finish off a half gallon of ice cream in a single sitting. I didn’t do those things, so it never occurred to me that I exhibited other signs of a compulsive overeater. For example, when my coworkers leave candy in the faculty room, I take a few, then keep coming back. It feels like a compulsion. I’d find reasons to keep returning. I’d make myself coffee. I’d act like I was waiting on line to make photocopies. I’d return a mug that I left in my classroom. But it was embarrassing and I kept doing it anyway. There are also some things that I just can’t eat one of. I have to finish the whole can, bar, or container. I also eat compulsively when I’m tired or depressed. I have also been known to pick up one meal at a fast food restaurant and then eat another one when I got home (assuming someone else was living with me at the time).

Oddly enough, this realization came as a result of my last eating plan. I started the eating plan and followed it faithfully for almost a week when it came time for my “cheat meal”. No matter what I chose for my cheat meal, it didn’t last for a meal. It usually lasted for a whole day and threw my eating off for an entire week. That’s when I started to suspect that I had a problem when it came to food.

I decided to think back to the time when all of this started, when I first gained the weight. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism during a time when I working two jobs, eating McDonalds for at least two meals a day, I spent 3 hours daily in my car commuting, and my (now) ex-husband ignored me for the small amount of time I was at home. I started to wonder if the stress combined with the junk food and sedentary lifestyle could result in a hypothyroidism diagnosis. Like maybe the stress combined with the hormones in the meat caused my thyroid to stop working as well? There’s no proof of that, but if the doctors don’t know the cause, why I can’t hypothesize about it.

I did know that the problem went deeper. I really was like this since I was a child. I ate all of my Halloween and Easter candy in a single sitting. My parents used to give us candy in our stockings at Christmas and mine was always gone before breakfast on Christmas morning. I remember whenever my mom made my favorite cookies I compulsively snuck them. It was similar to the way I sneak foods in the faculty room. I just kept going back for more.

Needless to say, I have a problem. But what was the solution? Seeing as I had a compulsive eating problem, even if it isn’t nearly as bad as it could be, I decided to look into what was done in several compulsive eating programs. These rules will seem strict and that’s the point. Because I have figured out (by a lot of wasted time and failed diets) that there are just some things I can’t be trusted to do. These are also a long list of rules, but I’m working on starting them bit by bit, so hopefully they won’t seem so hard.

1. Log my meals the night BEFORE I eat them and eat only the foods I have logged in the quantities that I logged.
2. Eat three meals a day. No BLTs (bites, licks or tastes). No snacks.
3. Do not eat any kind of sugar or flour. Yes that goes for any kind of sugar including stevia, honey, agave, artificial sweeteners, and dried fruits (the only exception is whole, real fruit). That also means any kind of flour including rice flour, almond flour, and coconut flour (which I have leftover from my paleo attempts).
4. Only drink drinks without calories like water, seltzer (so long as there’s no artificial sweeteners), black coffee, unsweetened tea, etc.
5. Maintain my portion control (see below for more details).
6. Find some like-minded people to discuss and keep me in this program.
7. Create an emergency plan to follow whenever I am tempted to go off of my plan
8. Take it one day at a time.

EATING PLAN
Breakfast – 1 protein, 1 fruit, 1 non-flour carb
Lunch – 1 protein, 1 vegetable, 1 fruit, 1 fat
Dinner – 1 protein, 2 vegetable, 1 fat

EMERGENCY PLAN

1. Contact someone (an accountability buddy or one of the people in my life who I told about my problem)
2. Meditate
3. Gratitude (think of all the things I am grateful in my life)
4. Serve (make it so that I’m focused on helping others and not about me)
5. Distract yourself (knitting keeps my hands busy, but it won’t work when I’m at work)

A Purpose

I have been feeling pretty purposeless in this blog ever since my first experiment ended on January 1^st 2016. I suppose that is partially why I have had a difficult time keeping up with it. The other reason is just simply because I have been busy and stressed out. I have recently come across a few different tools in setting goals. I am going to leave out the first section where I answered various questions about what my ideal life would look like in the various aspects of it (family, health, relationships, money, etc.). Thankfully, I’m one of those people who really didn’t need the question and answer section and really already know what I want. The first thing I did was figure out which goals were more immediate and which ones would either require more time or were not terribly pressing on my mind for completion currently. Here’s what I came up with:

1 Year Goals
– lose weight
– get rid of what remains of my depression
– handle my responsibilities like an adult (hygiene, work, bills, cleaning, errands, etc.)

3 Year Goals
– have kids (under the assumption that Kyle and I do well together and last that long)
– buy (or build) a small house with lots of land
– finish and publish my first three books

10 Year Goals
– live sustainably
– hike the Appalachian Trail
– have a core community of family and friends

Lifetime Goals
– travel
– live happily and have fun regularly
– start my own business

Now that I figured out my goals, then what do I do next? I decided on the following things:
1. Write a SMART goal (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, time-bound)
2. Write 9 reasons why I want that goal.
3. Write nine excuses that I typically give and ways I could overcome them.
4. Write twenty-one ways I can meet that goal
5. What specific things would need to be done to accomplish that goal, deadlines with specific dates and rewards for meeting those deadlines.

To start, I decided to go with the first goal: “to lose weight”. Eating right should help me in my other two short-term goals as well! Also, “to lose weight” is not terribly specific. I amended my goal to be “to lose 70lbs by December 31^st, 2017”.

Then I wrote 9 reasons why I wanted that goal.
1. I want my body to look good again.
2. I want less weight on my joints so I won’t be in pain.
3. I want to up stairs and up hills without getting out of breath.
4. I want to be more fertile (studies show that ‘overweight’ and ‘obese’ women are more likely to have fertility problems and problems later in their pregnancies).
5. I want to be strong.
6. I want better speed and stamina.
7. I want to improve my hiking ability and time.
8. I want to fit in my old clothes.
9. I want to show everyone who doesn’t believe in me that I can do it.

Next I wrote my top 9 excuses and what I could do to get over them.
1. I don’t have time – make time
2. I don’t have the energy to do it – do it anyway
3. I don’t want to get out of bed – I need to do this consistently every day so I will stick with it.
4. I don’t want to cook for myself – prepare meals in advance and always have healthy food on hand
5. I don’t want to exercise today – I need to do this consistently every day so I will stick with it.
6. I want to eat _____________ – yes, it will taste good, but it will throw off my eating plan for days because of how I react to going off of my meal plan.
7. I am too tired – you’re going to be tired anyway, so I might as well do something to be proud of myself for.
8. I am tired, stressed, depressed, etc. so I deserve to eat __________ – this food will probably make me more tired, stressed, and depressed, so I shouldn’t eat it.
9. I’m tired of eating well, exercising, etc. I just want to do what I want. – do you want to look like this forever?

Then I wrote 21 ways I could accomplish losing weight.
1. Strength train on my own
2. Do online strength training videos
3. Cut out flour and sugar
4. Go Paleo
5. Cut calories
6. Eat more protein and vegetables
7. Cook my own food
8. Take the train more so I will walk more
9. Play Wii fit
10. Hike regularly
11. Try NLP
12. Take classes – yoga, dance, martial arts
13. Start running again
14. Go swimming
15. Pray
16. Walk daily
17. Work out with a friend
18. Find a virtual fitness buddy
19. Get a group of friends and set up a challenge or a competition
20. Create an online group for weight-loss accountability
21. Park at the back of a lot when shopping and always take the stairs

Next I had to figure out what things I would specifically do to lose weight.
1. I will start my new eating plan (see THE PLAN) on November 15^th, 2016 (it’s when I get paid and can afford the food to do so).
2. I will take the train 4 days a week to work so I walk about 40-50 minutes a day. If I don’t take the train, I will walk for the same amount of time when I get home or during a lunch break starting November 15^th, 2016.
3. I will approximately 30 minutes of strength training 6 days a week starting January 1^st, 2017.
4. I will start running again on May 1^st, 2017.

Now that I have a plan, I will come up with some deadlines. I remember reading somewhere that your first weight-loss goal should be 10% of your original weight. Ten percent of my weight is over twenty pounds, so I decided to make my weight loss goals in 10% increments of the amount I have to lose.  Since I want to lose 70lbs, my first goal should be to lose 7lbs. That’s not bad. It seems doable. And now I’m going to address the people who are all about NSVs (non-scale victories). People celebrate non-scale victories and no doubt I will too. These people state that it’s not about the number on the scale. I can understand that. The number on the scale can be frustrating when it doesn’t move. It can seem like an arbitrary number. However, I want to be that number on the scale to have less weight on my joints and to be considered a “normal” weight. For my height, that would be at 154lbs, so a goal of 150lbs is not terribly arbitrary. Even so, I will not doubt blog about my various victories, both on the scale and non-scale victories. However, my goals are going to be scale-related. I also decided to keep going by 10% increments for a few reasons. The first is that with my hypothyroidism it will be difficult to lose weight. Secondly, the lower weight tends to get, the more difficult it is to lose more of it.

1. Lose 7 lbs (be 213lbs) by 12/1/16 – new black work shoes
2. Lose 6 more lbs (be 207lbs) by 12/15/16 – new leggings
3. Lose 5 more lbs (be 202lbs) by 1/1/17 – a new nice bra
4. Lose 5 more lbs (be 197lbs) by 1/15/17 – a new pair of work pants
5. Lose 4 more lbs (be 193lbs, merely ‘overweight’ and no longer ‘obese’) by 2/1/17 – massage
6. Lose 4 more lbs (be 189lbs) by 2/15/17 – a new work shirt
7. Lose 3 more lbs (be 186lbs) by 3/1/17 – new underwear
8. Lose 3 more lbs (be 183lbs) by 3/15/17 – a new dress or skirt
9. Lose 3 more lbs (be 180lbs) by 4/1/17 – new leggings
10. Lose 3 more lbs (be 177lbs by 4/15/17 – a nice new bra
11. Lose 3 more lbs (be 174lbs and can start running again) by 5/1/17 – a new running outfit
12. Lose 3 more lbs (be 171lbs by 5/15/17 – a new pair of work pants
13. Lose 3 more lbs (be 168lbs by 6/1/17 – a new work shirt
14. Lose 2 more lbs (be 166lbs by 6/15/17 – new underwear
15. Lose 2 more lb (be 164lbs) by 7/1/17 – a new dress or skirt
16. Lose 2 more lb (be 162lbs) by 7/15/17 – a nice new bra
17. Lose 2 more lb (be 160lbs) by 8/1/17 – a new pair of work pants
18. Lose 2 more lb (be 158lbs) by 8/15/17 – a new work shirt
19. Lose 1 more lb (be 157lbs) by 9/1/17 – new underwear
20. Lose 1 more lb (be 156lbs) by 9/15/17 – a new dress or skirt
21. Lose 1 more lb (be 155lbs) by 10/1/17 – a nice new bra
22. Lose 1 more lb (be 154lbs) by 10/15/17 – a new pair of work pants
23. Lose 1 more lb (be 153lbs and be ‘normal’ and not ‘obese’) by 11/1/17 – massage
24. Lose 1 more lb (be 152lbs) by 11/15/17 – a new work shirt
25. Lose 1 more lb (be 151lbs) by 12/15/17 – new jeans
26. Lose 1 more lb (be 150lbs) by 12/31/17 – pay to have all my favorite clothes taken in

I will probably still continue to write about my exploits in life, but I will also write about struggling to keep following my plans to get what I want, starting with weight loss.

November 4, 2016

 

I have had a few weird days. I had a parent complain because I made her daughter aware of a dress code violation. My principal had been after us for a while now to enforce them since the girls’ skirts had been getting pretty short, especially with my middle school students. Given the reaction of the parent, I never will again. After wondering what my principal was going to say in reaction for over a day, my principal told me to just ignore the parent e-mail and not address the issue. She said it was for homeroom teachers to address. So I filed it in my mind as “not my problem” and moved on after worrying about it for over 24 hours.

Bryan got back in touch with me yesterday. He still had a shirt of mine. I had given it up for lost. It was once a favorite t-shirt, so I was excited to get it back. It was a concert t-shirt from my favorite band, who had long since broken up. It was not to be found on the internet. I looked. He suggested maybe we could meet up for me to get it back. He now has full custody of his kids. His ex-wife got a job elsewhere and sends him child support. He likely was interested in either getting back together with me or sex at the very least. I had no interest in anything more than getting my t-shirt back, although if he was still missing me, a small amount of revenge would have been nice. He tried to add me as a friend on Facebook. I did not add or deny him. I told him I would be happy to meet him as friends, which was enough to appease Kyle.

However, that conversation happened a few days ago and I haven’t heard from him since, so perhaps he was just fucking with me. I’m a bit hesitant to contact him, but I do want the shirt back.

Wednesday November 2, 2016

 

Kyle is now officially moved in. It took a significant amount of money for gas, tolls, and food to drive to where he lives and pick up his belongings. I also discovered that I have a weakness for buying him things. It certainly has been an adjustment. It’s not just that he goes to bed significantly later than I do. I think the majority of people go to bed later than I do. It’s also that I’m having difficulties sharing my space. The first week after he moved in, the apartment was a disaster area. He just left his boxes of things wherever he dropped them when we first brought his things inside and didn’t touch them all week, despite the fact that he didn’t have to work until last Saturday. I spent the majority of last weekend working with him to try and find homes for his things. We rearranged the living room. I finished cleaning out a closet for him. I organized some of my own things that needed to be organized. I tried to keep his preferences in mind and we compromised on many things, but there were a few things I wouldn’t budge on either. Thankfully, we weren’t stubborn on the same issues, so we ended up doing okay.

I’m finally starting to catch up at work and I’m feeling less stressed. It’s also nice that the apartment is relatively clean. The one thing that I don’t understand is that even though the two of us now work together to get stuff done, I still feel like I don’t have enough time to do the things that I want to do. Well, not all of them, anyway. I still make time to spend time with him almost daily, but I’m woefully behind on my blog.

I am also having problems with my temperament. I’m not sure why, but I find that I’m snapping at Kyle almost daily. I feel badly, but nonetheless, I find myself doing it again. I also haven’t been getting enough sleep. He seems to have this weird idea that I need to be in bed by 9:00, but it’s really ideal for me to be asleep by 8:00. It is nice of him to lay down with me until I fall asleep, then he leaves the bedroom and does his own thing.

I am also extremely short on money. I get paid every two weeks and I was paid on November 1^st. That money paid for my car insurance, rent, food, and gas money. I literally had nothing left over. Even so, we have had to be extremely careful as to what to buy. I think the lack of money has made me moody as well. I’m not used to having to watch what I spend so closely. He also doesn’t seem to understand why he can’t buy chocolate milk or whatever other frivolous junk food he wants. We managed to get our grocery bill just under $80 for two weeks. But every so often it’s like he doesn’t understand how short on money we are.

It seems like I’m just writing about the negative aspects of Kyle moving in. Of course there are many good things about him. He has been doing dishes, cleaning up after my cats, and cooking dinner most nights of the week. He is a good cook and actually enjoys cooking. For me, cooking is just a means to an end, so I’m happy he enjoys it!

I’ve been sleeping in lately. It’s not like I can afford to take the train until I get paid again anyway. I miss taking the train. It’s not just that I like having the extra time to do stuff. I also like the exercise and think it does something positive for me, though it’s difficult to determine what. The one thing that surprised me about taking the train wasn’t seeing Juan, but wanting to see Diego. I discovered that I miss him. I don’t miss the fact that he was practically obsessed with sex to the detriment of our relationship, but I do miss many things about him. I get the urge to talk in Spanish sometimes, but realize nobody around me would understand. I wonder how he’s doing, if he’s okay. I miss the fun times we had just hanging out together on the train. I don’t want to date him and I have no desire to dump Kyle, but I really do miss Diego. Maybe all of the unkind things he said after I broke up with him have faded in my memory and all of the good things have returned. I also don’t think his culture looks kindly on men being friends with women either. It’s probably just a pipe dream. I switched train stations because I realized that there was one closer to me that also had cheaper parking. Nonetheless, I am sometimes tempted to go back to Diego’s station just to see if he’s there and he’s okay. Maybe they deported him. Maybe he did something stupid and got in trouble with the law. I’m worried about him. Is that normal?

I have also been struggling with depression, but it has presented in yet another way. I have been waking up shaking again. Whenever this happens, it takes a lot of willpower to get myself out of bed in the morning. I also find myself feeling quite depressed and overemotional for a few hours. After that time is up, I feel better and can at least pretend some semblance of happiness when teaching my students. Then, in the evening, it returns, either as depression or as being moody, temperamental, and bitchy.

I’ve decided to do the NaNoRiMo project, but not with a novel. I can’t write from my imagination, so I have decided that I’m going to try and write that much in my blogs daily. This is not my only blog, of course, so hopefully between those I can manage to write the minimum amount. I have also been writing in this blog very sporadically. For the first year, my blog had a sense of purpose. When I started writing in it again, I really just wanted to have a place to vent my feelings and discuss aspects of my life that I really don’t feel like I can discuss with anyone else in my life.

Wednesday October 19, 2016

 

It has been a while since I got a chance to write last. Kyle and I survived another two-week separation. I drove to his place, picked him and many of his belongings up, and brought him to my place. He was going to be staying a week with me so he could look for work in order to move in with me. At first, it was fun. I took him to some of my favorite hiking spots, we planned meals, went food shopping together, and went mini-golfing together. Even the little things like planning the meals were fun, like a novelty. It was like we were playing at house and we enjoyed it greatly.

Then I returned to work. Because he was there, I stayed up later than usual to spend time with him. That resulted in me waking up late and having to drive to work instead of taking the train. Because I spent my two commuting hours driving in a car and not working on work on the train, I come home stressed because I was behind in everything. I worked on my work while he made food. It only got worse as the week went on. I drove to work every day and the work piled up. I actually drove him to a trail-head to hike with some of my friends and stayed in the car grading papers. By the end of the first week, I was starting to get fed up with the stuff sitting around my apartment that belonged to him. It wasn’t just his boxes, but the things he worked on daily spread throughout my living room. Dishes piled up at an alarming rate and I just didn’t have the time to do them because I was busy catching up on work.

We also had several disagreements as to lifestyle. We mostly compromised on the solutions, but I really wasn’t terribly happy with the outcomes. But I suppose if something is truly a compromise then nobody is happy. One thing that I liked is that when we disagreed, we would talk it over while we cuddled. I liked it because it helps remind me that I love him, even while being annoyed and disagreeing. It’s surprising, but it really seems to work!

He had two interviews and seemed uninterested in applying elsewhere. One interview had gone well and he got the job. Unfortunately, they required him to get a ridiculous amount of tests done including a physical, a PPD, background check, fingerprinting, and a drug tests. They required him to pay for all of them. Neither of us could understand how a job making less than $10/hr thought they could find someone who could just pay for all of those tests upfront and still be willing to make under $10/hr.   The other interview went well, but they wanted him to return for a second interview, so he decided that he would stay a second week.

Finally on Monday of this week I straightened up the living room the best that I could. I asked him to find homes for some of his boxes and gave him some options for places that he could keep his stuff. I also asked him to take care of the dishes. In addition, he promised that dinner would be waiting for me when I came home.   Then I received a text that morning that he had a seizure and wouldn’t be able to get much done. That was understandable. Annoying and with the perfect timing, but understandable. I finished work and drove home, picking him up a few food items he had been craving post-seizure. When I got there, I sat on the couch for a few minutes, feeling overworked and overwhelmed.   Then I got up and started on making food. Unfortunately the only food I had to cook was something that would take a while. I had planned to make it on Sunday and then something happened and I didn’t get a chance to. It took me almost two hours to make the food while he sat and played on his computer, complaining of his headache and how the light hurt his eyes. I think he could sense my annoyance building so he said he was going to sit in the dark bedroom for a while. I walked in there to see him playing on his tablet in the dark. Yeah, that will help his head.

Eventually, I finished dinner and we sat down to eat. And he complained of the blandness of the food. I thought it tasted fine, good even. I was tired, burned out, frustrated, and with his comment I was livid. I know food is his hobby and everything, but clearly he doesn’t understand that I made the effort to make us food purely for the fact that we both needed something to eat. Given all of the work and effort I put into not going to bed as soon as I got home and made us food instead, I was angry. I finally calmed down enough to say something about it and he replied that he couldn’t help it.

I’m starting to wonder if I’m doing the right thing. He’s moving into my apartment and I get that I need to compromise, but it’s starting to seem like I’m doing more of the compromising. I’ve lived alone for over three years now and I’m used to it. Sure, it got lonely, but now it seems unfamiliar, scary, and crowded. Maybe I’m just scared. Scared he isn’t who he seems to be. Scared that he is. And it doesn’t help that I’ve taken to referring to him by a pet name that I call him because half of the time, I find myself wanting to call him my ex-husband’s name. Why the fuck would I want to do that!? Maybe it means that I’m getting serious about him? Maybe it means that he’s going to fuck with my mind like my ex-husband did? He must love me an awful lot to give up everything he has where he lives to come and live with me. Sure, there are benefits other than just getting to live with me. Maybe I’m just scared. I’m definitely untrusting. It’s not that I don’t trust him, it’s just that I don’t trust anyone anymore. It seemed okay when it was just a short fling like with Bryan. And Diego somehow convinced me that he would never cheat on me. He didn’t even talk to other women. It’s not in their culture. But there were other things I didn’t trust about him. Why don’t I trust Kyle then? Is it because it’s the real thing, love again? Or is it because there’s something not to trust? I don’t know, but I’m really starting to freak out. I am most certainly scared. Of what, I can’t exactly say.

He’s apparently leaving to go back for a week this weekend. He will spend his time packing his stuff and I’m supposed to come and get him the following weekend. It’s going to take a lot of adjusting to get used to living with him. I never had problems living with guys before. To be fair, excepting my two years in a college dorm room and one year of grad school, I have never lived alone. I have always lived with the guys I was dating. Now it’s been about three years and someone else is going to be moving in with me. Am I just too old and crotchety?

Oh, and to make matters more interesting, we stopped using protection against pregnancy again. Every time we have sex, he rolls a die. If it’s even, we use protection for sex. If it’s odd, we don’t. I’m not sure if it’s a loaded die or what, but I’ve found that every time so far, we don’t’ use protection. I’m back to being unafraid about that though. I’m sure it’s just part of my biological clock ticking because my mind logically tells me that I should be. How can I be scared and unsure of Kyle and not scared of having a child with him?

I am looking forward to the time Kyle will be gone so I can return to my own schedule. I’m sure when he comes back we’ll eventually settle into some kind of routine that works for the both of us.

Monday September 26, 2016

 

I awoke in an oddly good mood, considering I dreamed about my dead cat. I used to have a cat a few years ago that I loved dearly. I still get sad when I think about her. She was a very sweet and loving creature. I woke up thinking that I needed to become like her if I wanted to be loved. But I don’t want to be loved. Not by anybody that’s not my family and Kyle. And they already love me. Sure some friends nearby would be nice, but I’m not even sure I’d have time for them anyway. I also awoke particularly motivated. I cleaned the cat pee off the floor of the bathroom (again), showered, packed my lunch, and managed to leave with plenty of time to spare.

On my drive to work I started scratching my neck again. This time, I could feel bumps all over it. When I got to work, it seemed to be spreading. I started to get worried about it, took a sick day, and drove to the nearest urgent care center. They told me I had bed bugs. I couldn’t figure out when/where I had the bed buts. I slept on Kyle’s futon mattress when we were camping and my bed at home. I started itching on Sunday morning, but Kyle hasn’t had any itching or a rash. They prescribed me stuff, but I wasn’t really terribly sure I believed them. Nonetheless, I took everything to the Laundromat and washed it, just in case.

Then I saw my doctor because I had some other issues I was concerned about. I have been having pain extending from my neck and down my shoulder blade. Also, my last two periods only lasted two days. I was concerned that I was starting menopause early, for whatever reason. My doctor was less than helpful. He did state that it was too soon to tell if my rash was from bedbugs or not.   He said it was just as likely to be an allergy and didn’t seem overly concerned about it. He suggested Claritin during the day and Benedryl at night. I refused to take Benedryl unless it was mortally necessary, due to some of the side effects it has on me. He tried to refer me to a specialist for my shoulder pain. He felt my muscles and said nothing seemed tight and ordered me to take an x-ray. He also ordered some blood work to determine if I was having an allergic reaction and if there were problems with my hormones (for my period problems). He also referred me to a gynecologist.

I went to the lab to get blood drawn. However, when I got to the x-ray people, they were concerned because there was a chance that I might be pregnant. They sent me back up to my doctor’s office. Feeling a bit weird telling the receptionist that I needed a pregnancy test within earshot of the entire waiting room, I told her that the x-ray people sent me back because I needed to get an additional test. I thought that would suffice. After waiting an hour, someone came out and said that they’d notify me of my test results. If they were abnormal, they’d call, if they were normal, they’d mail them. Then I swallowed my pride and told them directly that the x-ray people insisted that I take a pregnancy test before they would do my x-ray. I was made to wait for 15 more minutes, peed in a cup, was declared negative, and sent back to the x-ray people. They x-rayed me.

I picked up some food on the way home, bought some Claratin, drove home, and went to sleep. I felt like my “day off” was wasted between doctors appointments, tests, and laundry.

Sunday September 25, 2016

 

We both woke up with hangovers. I drank as much water as I could stomach. I made myself some tea so II could assess everything that needed to be packed and figure out how to fit it all into my car. It took about two hours to get everything done. Half of that time Kyle was being pestered by his cousin to leave. He wouldn’t go until I was packed up, which was very kind of him. Unfortunately, that meant that we had to say goodbye in a very public place. I got a peck on the lips and a hug. Tears welled up in my eyes as he left. I drove away not long afterwards. I stopped at a gas station and bought plenty of liquids to rehydrate myself with and plenty of carbs to help settle my stomach.

I had a difficult time driving home without falling asleep. I couldn’t tell if it was boredom, the hangover, or if I was truly tired because we went to bed quite late last night. For whatever reason it was, I struggled to stay awake. I was also itchy around my neck, but I just figured it was the sunburn I got a few weeks ago healing. I stopped at Rachel’s apartment first. She was having a potluck and really wanted me to come since our whole circle of friends would be there. I got there. It was apparent to them that I’m really tired. I was surprised to find that a few people in my hiking circle of friends overlapped this circle of friends as well. I talked to them mostly about hiking and camping since they knew how I had spent this weekend. We discussed common friends. I probably ate more food than I should have, but I was so tired and hungry and thirsty. I started to get ready to leave early when Rachel told me that I looked happy. I told her I was incredibly tired. She said she saw that, but underneath the tired that I looked happy. I was grateful for that.

I started driving home, but was fighting sleep so badly, that I called Kyle. We talked on speakerphone. I don’t remember what we talked about, just that I kept running out of things to say and that he wasn’t particularly talkative. Eventually I arrived home. I meant to go straight to sleep. However, I got distracted with my favorite tv show and ended up watching two episodes before bed. Then I went to sleep.