Saturday February 25, 2017
We awoke early, both feeling exceedingly groggy as I slowly packed my things and Kyle packed the car. When we were done, we waited for his mom and step-dad to wake up so we could give our thanks and goodbyes. I was full of gratitude for both the kindness and generosity they had shown to us and hoped that I was able to express it satisfactorily. We drove to my middle sister’s house who lived somewhat in between Kyle’s mom’s house and home. We went out to lunch and talked. I forget that we really don’t have much in common anymore. Or I have less to talk about. Or something. I talked a lot about the pregnancy hoping that her and her husband were actually interested about it. Her husband had too many beers and started making a fool of himself. We spent our time laughing at him and messing with him a bit.
We went back to their place and talked a bit. We took the tour and I was envious about how well kept their place was. They had also furnished it nicely and decorated it tastefully. They were also renting, but lived in an area where money went further, especially in rent. They were renting a house for the amount that I paid for our one bedroom apartment. Also, my sister and her husband were more minimalists than me and Kyle are. To be fair, our hiking hobby takes up a fair amount of room too with backpacking packs, tents, sleeping bags, camp cooking gear, etc. We both like to read a lot more than my sister and her husband. Even so, I still was desirous of making more room in our apartment. I loved the airy spacious feeling their house had, even though the rooms were small, but comfortably furnished and didn’t feel cramped like ours did. To be fair, all of the walls of our place was full of shelves or boxes piled ceiling high with stuff. I wonder if I can manage to part with enough to stuff to create the same feeling. I also worry that if we had a place with more room, Kyle would just endeavor to fill it with more stuff. I suppose it’s best not to speculate until it’s an issue though!
The drive home was long and hard. It poured rain and stormed the whole way. It took significantly longer and I was fighting sleep for the last few hours. Kyle slept fitfully almost the whole way. The thunder kept waking him up, but he really was only awake for the last hour. We spent that time arguing over how soon to give our baby food, specifically cereal. With all the crap they put in cereals these days, I was really concerned about feeding it to our baby so soon and felt that 3 months was way too soon to give our kid solids. As much as I assumed I’d be anxious to stop having to pump at work and breast feed, I felt like we shouldn’t start them on solids until at least 6 months and should start them on fruit or vegetables first. I didn’t think that grains shouldn’t be introduced until the year mark, but I couldn’t remember why I thought so. Our argument really were more peevish than well-informed and we both resolved to discuss it later. We got home around 10 and I went right to sleep.
Sunday February 26, 2017
I awoke shaking multiple times throughout the morning. Even though we didn’t get in terribly late, the trip took a lot out of me. I slept on and off for a while. I had plans to do many things today. I needed to go grocery shopping, do laundry, and there were a number of things I wanted to do to get our apartment ready for the baby. I wanted to go through a number of my possessions to see if I could get rid of furniture to make room for baby furniture, clear off shelves and drawers so it could hold baby stuff, and just not have such a cluttered feel to our apartment. Kyle has these ideas that the one bedroom was too small for the two of us and our stuff, much less a baby. I personally believe that we just have too much stuff and could do very well if we minimized our possessions. A lot of the “cleaning” we do involves moving our stuff from one location to another. He also has a lot of wants. They’re mostly things that, in my opinion, we can do without. We don’t need a rice cooker because we can cook rice on the stove. We don’t need a crock pot because we have a Dutch oven that we could put on low for the requisite number of hours. Don’t get me wrong, I have no room to talk. I have too much in the way of paper clutter with two filing cabinets full of stuff that I really don’t need or look at. Some of it is necessary, but most of it isn’t. I also have too many books, clothes, and craft supplies. I hope that seeing me clear the clutter will help inspire him to do the same. I also hope to make room for some of his stuff as well.
Alas, depression hit early in the morning and really didn’t leave me throughout the day. I didn’t do a damn thing. Kyle suggested that after such a busy week that I needed a day to just rest, relax, and let my body grow the baby. I told him about the shaking wondering if maybe I had low blood sugar. He suggested that it was a sign of anxiety. While I have had many problems with depression, anxiety really hasn’t been much of an issue for me heretofore. I mean I have awoken shaking in the past, but it never really bothered me as much as it did now. I did literally nothing throughout the rest of the day other than watch tv, read my pregnancy book, and nap. Maybe my body needed it, but I felt upset that nothing got done that I wanted to do.
Monday February 27, 2017
I woke up shaking again. I took some extra time cuddling with Kyle before I got up. I forced myself to get ready for work with sheer stubbornness and willpower.
I went to work wondering if people would notice or comment on my protruding belly. Nobody did, but they all asked how I was feeling, as usual. I still haven’t had any students comment on it yet. The younger ones don’t have enough of a verbal filter to not say what’s on their minds, even if the older ones were too concerned about being rude to say anything.
I felt like my day was more difficult than usual to get through, though in hindsight, everything went well enough. I guess it’s just the goggles of depression with makes everything seem worse than it really is. I did manage to pick up some food at the grocery store. When I got home, I just layed down on the couch and didn’t really move until I got up to go to bed. I wanted to sleep on the couch, but I couldn’t do it. Kyle made us dinner and I gobbled it up. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I started eating!
Tuesday February 28, 2017
I woke up shaking again. I was also very clearly depressed. I did not want to get up. When I did get up, I did not want to do anything. Everything looked bleak and pointless. I called in sick, telling my principal that I woke up with my hip hurting so badly that I could barely walk. That was partially true. My hip was hurting so badly the night before that I could barely walk. My husband later told me that my hip hurt so bad I was whimpering in my sleep whenever I attempted to roll over to a new position.
I felt miserable and depressed. I decided to take a mental health day for myself, despite the fact that I had a very easy day at work that would have required a minimum amount of work.
I went back to sleep and woke up around 9:00. I wanted to do nothing but read and drift in and out of sleep. I realized that most of my thoughts were about how overwhelmed I felt with everything that needed to be done that I didn’t do over my break because we were visiting our faraway friends and Kyle’s relatives. I guess I needed one day of rest and at least one day of activity after we got back. I made a plan to alternate a chapter in my book and a nap in between every large item or two small items on my to-do list. I guess that was what had been really bothering me. I didn’t complete the to-do list, but I minimized it enough to feel better about it. I also made a plan to attend to some of the items throughout the week. I just put one or two easy items down after work each day. Between those two efforts, my to-do list was cut in half and everything seemed more manageable.
My depression slowly faded throughout the rest of the day as I read and napped and got stuff done. Kyle was also amazingly supportive. I was need more physical affection than usual and he was very compliant in helping.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Today was so warm, that it felt like spring. I had sort of a feeling of freedom. Like a fresh air had blown life back into me. It was still difficult to get out of bed, but I found that it was easier than yesterday even though I woke up shaking again. Not that that’s saying much, but I managed to get up after hitting the snooze bar for an hour.
Work went well, as usual. I had a problem with my principal over the performance dates for the dance production. She had apparently assumed that we were going to add an additional performance without telling me. It wasn’t on the schedule that I had given to the students months ago, which she had approved. I had plans that couldn’t be broken on that particular day. I felt betrayed because I wanted to please her, but I couldn’t break my plans. I was frustrated that she had not notified me of this in any way and just assumed that I would somehow magically know about it and push all my plans aside to do it. She had a parent waiting for an appointment, so our conversation was cut short. We made an appointment to discuss it more on Monday, but I was seething about it for most of the day. I just reminded myself that this is one of the many reasons why I was looking for work elsewhere for the next school year. Unfortunately, that thought didn’t placate me much. I had decided that I am going to dig in my heels about this particular issue, something she hasn’t seen me do before.
As I was driving home, I noticed that my lower belly was hitting my legs as they moved to hit the pedals. I can’t believe I’m getting so big already! I know I was partially looking forward to looking pregnant, but I was also partially dreading it too! My belly is definitely visibly protruding and starting to border on looking more pregnant than fat.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
I was looking forward to a shorter day than usual at work. My rehearsal for the dance production had been canceled because the stage was being used by another group. My classes mostly went well and my day moved quickly. During my last class I distinctly felt the baby kick for the first time. People weren’t kidding when they said that I’d know it when I felt it! I was so excited! I had been waiting for the first kick for a while!
I stayed a little late to catch up on extra work. I picked up another fast food dinner and went to sleep when I got home. I had about a three hour nap before I had to wake up and pick up Kyle from work. I hung out with him for about an hour before I went back to sleep.
Friday, March 3, 2017
I slept so much last night and woke up on my own at 4am that I couldn’t fathom why I felt so tired at work today. I got a text from Diego. He just said that he saw me driving to work (we take the same route for about a half hour) and that it was good to see me, even from a distance. I mentioned it to a few of my coworkers and they advised that I just don’t answer back. One even recommended blocking his number. I decided to not block his number. If he ever gets in trouble with immigration, I have already decided that I will help him. Just because he was a shitty boyfriend, doesn’t mean he deserves to be deported just because his paperwork hasn’t finished going through yet.
I got through the day reasonably well, but I was glad that it’s Friday. I did not feel any subsequent kicking from the baby. I started to worry that something was wrong. I wondered if I imagined the kick, but no, it was very distinctly a kick.
I drove an hour away to visit my friends. They were having some sort of celebration of motherhood for me. It was really neat. We hung out, ate food, and everyone offered advice that they had never known when they had their kids that could not be found in books. Some of the advice I didn’t quite agree with, like how bedtime had squashed the spirit of one of their kids, but most of it was useful. Here are the things I can remember from it:
1. Some kids show a physical sense of humor long before they have language.Talk to them as adults sometimes, but also remember they’re kids.
2. You should be prepared to bleed vaginally for two weeks after the birth.
3. When they get older remember you are the expert on your kids. You know what’s best for them, so don’t back down when people tell you you’re doing it wrong.
4. To prevent nipple pain and chafing, start now by running brushes of various harnesses over the nipple now (like start with a small toothbrush).
5. Don’t worry too much if your kids aren’t doing what the books say. Each kid is different.
It was fun and interesting, but I didn’t realize how late it had gotten. I ended up leaving at 11:00 and got home around midnight. I am not looking forward to having to wake up early tomorrow morning. I have to leave at 7am to drop off the car to the mechanic.