Saturday, June 3, 2017
I had offered to help a friend out today with a barbecue he was hosting. We spent the majority of the day outdoors. It was a relaxing day. My help was mainly organizational, so I mostly spent the day sitting round outside under a sun shade. Kyle brought me food and did anything that required a lot of physical effort. By dinnertime, we arrived home. I was sunburned and exhausted. I spent the rest of the night napping and zoning out in front of the television set. Kyle also resigned from his job today. In all honesty, they weren’t scheduling him for many hours and the hours he did get were all for days he tried to take off, but was denied.
Sunday, June 4, 2017
I spent the morning with Chandra. It has been a number of months since I have seen her. I don’t know what I expected, but she asked for computer help again. I am honestly getting tired of helping her out with the same things. She wanted help with her e-mail again. I used to feel good by helping her out, but I just felt exhausted. This time, one of the things she needed me to do was beyond my computer expertise. I offered Kyle’s expertise since it would give him something to do.
Afterwards, we took my mom and step-dad out for dinner for her birthday. Again, when I got home, I was so exhausted, I just laid down in bed and fell asleep.
Monday, June 5, 2017
It was back to work today. I was extra tired, but I managed to get through it. Stairs have been getting increasingly more difficult. Because my art room is on the third floor of the building, I have to take a break in between flights! I have had several people mention that they think I’m going to be going to deliver early because I’m so big. They’re mostly coworkers, so I’ve tried to joke and smile about it. However, I didn’t take it quite so well, internally.
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
Several of my classes were out on field trips, so I spent my time starting to clean up the bulletin boards in my classroom, finishing grading, and returning artwork to the students. It felt good to be close to the end of the year, especially because I feel like I’m starting to carry my baby so big and heavily!
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
I have noticed recently that whenever a particular female friend of Kyle’s messages him on Facebook, he closes the window and doesn’t respond in front of me. This morning my curiosity got the better of me and I looked up their conversations on his computer. I went back a number of months. The majority of the conversations were about little things and almost all were at her initiating. It was clear to me that she was more interested in being his friend than he was in being hers. However, there was one from a few months ago where she asked him (seemingly out of the blue) if he didn’t miss sleeping with other women. He said “sometimes”. Later on in the conversation, seemingly out of the blue again, he mentioned that she still gave the best blow jobs. My heart exploded in my chest. I felt crushed since he told me the same thing. I woke him up and we talked about it. He said that the thing about the blow jobs was an inside joke and that he was having dreams about sleeping with his exes at that point in time, which is why he answered how he did. To be fair, later in the conversations when she asked how he was enjoying marriage (we have been keeping up the facade that we’re married so I could keep my job) and he said he was enjoying it.
Kyle and I talked, but I still felt a horrible pain inside my chest. On the way to work, I felt like my world was falling apart. I thought he was a good person. He was a guy who seemed to truly love me. He cooked for me. He massaged my feet when they were sore. He seemed to really want this child and for us to be a family. I started wondering how I could have this kid and look after it on my own. I wondered if the reason the conversations were so sparse and out-of-the-blue was because he was deleting parts of them. Was there even a way of finding out?
I arrived to work barely on time. After the first two classes, I felt bad cramps really low down. I also felt nauseous. I blamed the pregnancy, told my principal how I was feeling, and left early. After a coworker asking how I was feeling, she insisted that I call the doctor right away. I called the emergency number in my phone and got just a weird voicemail that sounded nothing like what I had expected it to. I left a message and drove home.
When I got there, Kyle and I talked some more. I had calmed down somewhat and so had he. I was still really hurting over what he had written, but there was also the desire to be on good terms with him as well. We held each other and cried and eventually we both drifted off to sleep. I awoke to a coworker calling to ask what the doctor said. I realized we slept most of the day away. I also realized that I had programmed the emergency number wrong in my phone! I was glad that I found out today! I dialed the correct number and waited for the call back. In the meantime, my principal called me to see how I was doing. As I hung up with her, I got the call back and they insisted that I come in.
We waited for a while and Kyle waited with me. We got an ultrasound and they checked my cervix. I was not told anything about what they saw except for the fact that there are no signs of preterm labor and the pain was coming from the separation of my pelvis. The doctor explained that everyone’s pelvis separates in preparation for delivery, but that few actually feel pain from it. She didn’t say why mine hurt, but I suspected it was my age. When we got home, I went to bed.
Thursday, June 8, 2017
I woke up in pain, but took my two Tylenol (the only painkiller I was allowed to take) and did my best to waddle around the apartment to get ready for work. It was painful and took longer than usual. I practically shuffled around the building, but I managed to “teach” all my classes. With it being so close to the end of the school year, we really can’t start any new projects because the teachers never let me know when I will or will/not have their students. I had the kids do free drawing today while listening to music. I made them come to me if they had a question or wanted to show me anything.
Despite everything that happened yesterday, Kyle and I seem to mostly be back on good terms again. I can’t even begin to describe or fathom why, but I wasn’t complaining. I was still hurting a little bit over it, but it wasn’t too bad. I kept trying to tell myself all the things he was doing for me and how supportive he was of me. It sort of helped.
Friday, June 9, 2017
I realized that maybe I should check to see if there were any other conversations that Kyle might have been having with other people that were inappropriate, so I went through a bunch of his other conversations on messenger and discovered nothing untoward. I don’t know what’s the matter with me that I feel so suspicious or worried about him, but clearly he doesn’t deserve it. I looked it up online and apparently it some sort of thing that pregnant women go through, like something their hormones spur on or something. We had a good night together. He made an amazing dinner and gave me a foot massage before bed.