April 26, 2015

I woke up next to Chris. We cuddled briefly them got up and ate breakfast. We watched some tv and cuddled.  I wanted to do stuff again, but he didn’t seem interested.  Then he left.  It was weird.  Generally, I can tell when a guy is interested in me or even interested in doing stuff with me.  But I didn’t see that desire in him.  Did we go out drinking the night before so he could do stuff with me?  It seemed odd.  But why did he drive all the way here otherwise?

I’m going to take a minute to talk about sex.  It’s something our society prefers not to talk about.  Many religions have rules about it.  Especially if you’re female.  You’re not supposed to have sex before you’re married.  Or only for procreation.  Or only with a member of the opposite sex.  Some religions suggest that sex or lust can prevent you from reaching the higher levels of enlightenment or require priests and nuns to abstain.  There is especially a social stigma when it applies to females.  The words “slut” and “whore” are often used as insults for females.  The thing I don’t understand is that males who sleep around are often called “studs”.  However, in order for those males to sleep around, there needs to be a female who is willing to sleep with him.  We have a biological imperative telling us to procreate, or at the very least, to have sex.  We were created to enjoy sex.  So why not enjoy it?

I seem to have escaped a lot of the social stigmas.  I am assuming that because I spent most of the years when people are looking to “fit in” as depressed, that somehow I had a bigger problem than fitting in and I didn’t bother.  I was who I was at an early age.  Even if who I was was someone who was dealing with an undiagnosed mental disorder.  For some reason, I think that this has made me immune to social pressures that plague the rest of adolescents.  I didn’t have sex until I was ready.  Sure, I had guys who wanted to.  I was even dumped once for not “putting out”.  But I knew I wasn’t ready and that was all there was to the matter for me.  I finally lost my virginity at 18.  Because I was ready.  I had maybe been dating that guy for a few months.   It wasn’t fun, so I only did it a handful of times with him.  After that, I dated a few guys who I was able to have fun with.  I wasn’t immune to drunken college hook-ups. I had my fair share.  I realized that they were rarely fun in a sexual sense.  But they were very fun if I treated it like a game or a power play.  Could I get into this guys pants?  It became a challenge.  Like a cat playing with a mouse.

Then I started getting into some more serious relationships.  For some reason, as the relationships wore on, mu sex drive quickly waned.  It might have been the depression.  It might have been the meds that say that warn men of “sexual side effects” but neglect to mention that it causes the inability to orgasm in women.  That’s why I was so excited about Bryan.  I had never had sex so much with anybody in my life.  But I’m realizing that I learned several things from my most recent exes.  From Bryan I learned that I can be a sexual creature and not get bored with it.  From the ex before him, I learned what it was like to have someone emotionally there for me all the time.  From my ex husband,I learned that I can be truly loved, and that love is not enough.  From the ex before my husband, I learned how much fun it was to live with a friend who I could always have fun with.  I feel like this is leading me somewhere.  Maybe it will lead me to the one who will be all of these things for me.  After all the hurt and heartbreak, that would be wonderful.  It’s been difficult to keep myself from searching for a new guy, but I am doing well at it so far.  I feel like the net one will have to find me, pursue me.  And I feel like very soon I will meet the one.  Isn’t that pathetic?  Even after all of the hearbreak and sorrow, I still be lieve that there is one guy that will be all of these things for me?

I decided to take today as a kind of mental health day.  I did not do any work.  I hung out with friends on facebook.  I got caught up on my blogs, etc.


Exercise – none

Diet – I didn’t follow it at all.

Cleaning and de-cluttering – none

Hygiene – I showered yesterday and did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament – calm and tired


April 25, 2015

I was greatly looking forward to today.  I had a difficult time sleeping the night before because something that could have either been rape or a fight between lovers happened outside my window in the middle of the night.  It woke me up and I called the police in a half-awake stupor.  For some reason, it got my adrenaline pumping and I had a difficult time going back to sleep.

When I woke up, I had no idea what time it was.  My phone had shut down sometime during the night, so no alarm woke me up.  Thankfully, I had woken up during the very time that my alarm would have woken me up anyway!  I got up, got together all of the things that I knew I’d need, and cleaned and straightened my apartment.  It is now at the point where only some of the undone dishes show evidence of Bryan’s last visit here.  The rest of my apartment looks pretty decent!  I had contemplated doing stretching and PT, but decided against it because I knew I’d be physically active later in the day.

I started off the day with an hour hike.  It was colder than I expected it to be, so it wasn’t as enjoyable as I thought it was going to be.  I had made plans to hike with acquaintances, but their company wasn’t as enjoyable as I expected it to be.

Then I drove an hour and half to meet a large group of friends.  I stopped at a rest area to use the bathrooms.  Then I looked down at my phone, only to wake up a half hour later.  Because I arrived late to meet my friends, I ended up missing out on the main thing that I had been looking forward to doing.  It was still fun and good to see them, but I was still disappointed.

I went home and Chris showed up.  We started by going to a local pub and drinking.  We chatted and finished two glasses of hard cider.  He suggested we leave, so we stopped at a gas station and picked up a six pack.  We put on a movie and started to cuddle.  He asked if we could cuddle on the bed, so we did.  That didn’t last long.  We kissed and that led to other things.  I didn’t have sex with him, but we still had fun doing what we did.  I fell asleep in his arms.


Exercise – I hiked for about an hour.

Diet – I ate all the things I shouldn’t.  I ate a lot of them.  I ate until my stomach was full and then I ate some more.

Cleaning and de-cluttering – I did both today

Hygiene – I showered but did not brush my teeth

Mood and temperament – My mood was good.  There was never really a point where my mood was low.

April 20-24, 2015

April 20 –
I woke up early.  I straightened up my apartment.  I slowly removed the signs of Bryan’s last visit.  I cleaned my bathroom a bit.  I showered and brushed my teeth.  I stretched and did PT.  I was already tired by the time I got to work.  I was behind in my work, so I spent the day trying to catch up.  It was also going to be a bad two weeks for me as far as work went.  I was also very tired.  I dealt with things about Bryan very well.  I had to hold back tears when I saw a parent come in the building with a little girl in tow who looked like Bryan’s youngest.  Mostly, I did okay.  I was in good spirits by the end of the day.  I was very tired, despite all of the caffeine I tried to consume.  When I got home, I did some work and went to sleep.

April 21 –
I had a very difficult time getting out of bed this morning.  When I got to work, I was in good spirits.  As the day wore on, my spirits slowly sunk and I was depressed by the time I got home.  As I was re-wearing my last pair if underwear, I spent the entire evening doing all of my laundry.  In between loads, I chatted on facebook and worked on work.  One of the people I was chatting with was my friend Chris.  We had made plans for him to come and visit me this coming weekend when Bryan and I had broken up the last time.  He’s one of those people in my life with whom I had some sexual tension.  For the past year and a half we had talked about possibly hooking up.  He was in an open relationship and I had known both him and his fiance for years.  Chris was still planning on visiting me and we chatted about the things that we would possibly do together when he came.

I decided that I was going to try and do my best to stay single for a while.  My little brother, who is strangely intuitive about many things, told me something that gave me hope.  He said that my journey for finding the right man is almost at an end.  That within a year I’d find him.  That he would be a good friend who I already confided in.  I wracked my brain for a friend who was such a person as I could spend the rest of my life with.  But all such friends were all in serious relationships if not married.  Even so, what he said gave me hope.  I looked forward to ending this journey and starting a new one of having a healthy committed relationship!  I decided that I would do my best to not look for somebody to bide my time with.  I would try to stay, gasp, single.

April 22 –
When I got to work, I felt very excited because my to-do list had shrunk with all of the extra work I had been doing at home.  After about an hour at work, my list had increased to be quite long again.  That was pretty disheartening.  A scheduling issue that I had been concerned about also suprisingly worked out okay with my boss.  She is very unpredictable, so I was glad that things went well.

When I got home, I was surprised to read a facebook message from my friend Jeff.  My friend Jeff and I had some sexual tension between us ever since we had met.  We had been massage buddies for over a year, but had kept it at that.  He was engaged and not in any kind of open relationship.  A few months ago, he told me that his fiance had given him permission to do things with other people so long as she didn’t see it, hear it, or know about it and that he ended it all when they got married.  That struck me as odd and something didn’t sit well with me about it.  He had the evening off of work, so he wanted to know if he could come over and we’d do massages.  Because I was now single, there was an unspoken possibility that something other than a massage may happen today.  I did a quick cleaning and straightening of my apartment erasing more signs of Bryan’s last visit.

We started with massages.  He tried hard to tease me, but he really just ended up hurting my back.  Then I decided to see if I could tease him.  I didn’t really want to do things with him.  It was more like a game, to see if I could.  Well, I could.  I also didn’t want to kiss him.  I’m not sure why, because I know he really wanted to kiss me, but something bothered me about it.  I thought I was just teasing him, but I guess he didn’t have any stamina because during one of those teasing moments, he finished.  I didn’t get anything out of it.  He went home leaving me incredibly frustrated.

I checked my facebook and saw a message by my ex, Carl.  I should start out by explaining the “relationship” I had with Carl.  We met when we were both at the end of our marriages.  Even our marriages were similar with both of us feeling un-loved and un-wanted.  We took solace in each other and remembered what it was like to have someone who actually enjoyed our company and gave us the affection we had gone for so long without.  Unfortunately, even though my marriage ended, his did not.  After a while, I ended it because he wouldn’t leave his wife.  Carl continued to talk about the various things we had in common and about the good sexual times that we had together.  I had heard that he had broken up with his wife a year ago and started to wonder if the two of us could be together again and maybe even have a decent relationship together.  My hopes were dashed when I found out that he and his wife had gotten back together and he was in a similar situation that he was in when I first met him.  While she agreed to work things out, he had not gotten any affection from her in the past four months.  I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was.  He was still the same.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

April 23 –
Today was just a long day.  The students were difficult.  There were a lot of behavioral problems today.  I stayed at work late and then I came home and worked.  “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

April 24 –
I had a decent day at work.  When I came home, I resolved to get as much work done as possible so it wouldn’t mar the fun weekend that I had planned.  I fell asleep at my laptop.

Exercise – I did my stretching and PT two days  so far – Monday and Thursday!

Diet – I noticed that my diet was decent in the beginning of the week and as it went on, I was craving more and more food that was bad for me.  I went from a simple salad early in the week to two slices of pizza and soda on Friday as the stress piled up.  That being said, I think I only had two meals that were actually Paleo.  I had a few that were close, though!

Cleaning and de-cluttering – I cleaned and de-cluttered two days.

Hygiene – I was showered every day, but I only brushed my teeth on Monday.

Mood and temperament – My mood fluctuated on Monday and Tuesday.  It could be described as stressed on the other days.  Too stressed to determine any other mood. I was also tired on Monday and Friday.

April 19, 2015

I woke up only two hours after I had gone to sleep.  I couldn’t go back to sleep, even though I lay in bed for a few hours trying.  I got up and immediately took to facebook to find some friends to chat with to make me feel better.  Bryan got back to me about another question I had inquired about.  He told me that his OCD had caused several things about me to bother him.  He said that he could never live with me.  He said that I was too insecure.  Never mind the fact that he had essentially dumped me a month and a half earlier.  Of course I was going to be insecure!  But I didn’t want to argue with him about it.  Even though I was hurt and upset, I did not want to get back together with him.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

Even so, something still didn’t seem right about this break-up.  I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it was really bothering me.  I asked a number of friends and they said it didn’t seem right either.  His words were much more eloquent than they usually are.  And the fact that he didn’t want to be friends with me afterwards, even though his kids really took to me, struck me as odd too.

Near the end of the day, I sent an apology to an ex of mine for some wrong I did to him over a year ago.  I had been meaning to apologize and figured nothing could feel much worse, so now was the time.  He was surprisingly forgiving and even alluded to the fact that we had some good times together.  He even mentioned that he still thinks about me in his “alone time”.  I was surprised, but pleased.  It was nice to know someone out there was still thinking about me.

I heard back from Bryan.  He stated that he didn’t want to be friends because he didn’t trust himself around me.  He was afraid that he was going to crave those good feelings that I gave him and get back together with me.  I was astounded.  We chatted a little longer.  He seemed astounded that I wasn’t angry.  As one of my friends that I was chatting with had put it, “Sometimes it’s easier to deal with anger than with forgiveness.”  I told him that I would not contact him again.  Any contact he wants to have with me in the future would have to come from him.  And that was it.


Exercise – None

Diet – I followed my diet. Mainly because I didn’t eat today.

Cleaning and de-cluttering – I did neither today.

Hygiene – I was showered from yesterday.  I did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament – My mood still fluctuated, but I was dealing with this much better than I had the last time he had dumped me.  Perhaps it’s just that I had partially gotten over him from before?

April 18, 2015

April 18th
I got up early and took my car to the “trustworthy” mechanic.  I asked for them to put the part in and to inspect my vehicle. It turned out the mechanic was trustworthy!  He put in the part and gave me a 10-day inspection sticker.  Once I took the car through enough drive cycles, they said I would be able to get a permenant inspection.  It turns out my care didn’t need that long list of things to fix that both other garages insisted on.  I texted Bryan to let him know, because he wanted to know how the inspection went.  He didn’t seem as excited as I was, but he was busy at work, so I let him be.  I had to drive an hour and a half to another gathering of friends, so I focused on that.

Even though I was told that the issue of the false friends had been dealt with, I still felt a little paranoid, but squashed those feelings as much as I could.  I was friendly to everyone and I had a good day because of it. I made sure to talk about Bryan and his kids, especially around my ex-husband’s girlfriend.  I liked talking about them.  I liked the fact that i felt like I was kind of a part of their family.

My ex-husband was there and he had something of mine that he had found while cleaning, so he got it for me and walked me to my car.  He told me it was good to see me.  I don’t know what kind of look I gave him, but it was probably something between shock and disbelief.  He made some kind of comment about wanting to be friends and whatnot, so I changed the subject.  Apparently what changed everyone’s minds was that he told our circle of mutual friends about my struggles with depression which is why they stopped being mad at me, or something.  And he said it like he had done me a favor!  I tried very hard to keep that a secret from all but my most trusted friends and now everyone knows.  I figured that was a good time to bring up the actual divorce.  I told him I should have the money in the next few months to pay for it.  He offered to pay for it himself even sooner.  I was surprised, but a bit relieved and a bit offended.  I was happy I didn’t have to pay for it.  I was also happy to be officially on the market when Bryan and I had been dating for longer.

At the first rest area, I bought some fast food and checked my texts.  Bryan told me not to come visit him because he wasn’t feeling well.  I offered to come up and take care of the kids so he could get some much-needed rest.  Then he told me he lied. He needed some time by himself to think.  I asked if things were okay with us.  He didn’t answer for a little while. I was driving home at that point in time.  I felt a powerful sinking feeling in my gut and started chain smoking.

Eventually, he responded saying that everything between us was not okay.  That he was enjoying his time with me so much, but that he was effectively using me.  He didn’t care about me, but he liked how I made him feel.  He ten told me what a great person I am and how he couldn’t do this to me any more.  I was shocked.  I spent a lot of my ride home crying on and off.

I got home and tried to get more of an answer from him.  Something just didn’t seem right.  I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it was just an ending.  There was no plea to be friends.  I couldn’t figure it out.  I spent the majority of the evening vacillating between shock and depression.  I also spent time chatting about it with a few select friends.  I ended up on a four-hour long skype with my little brother.  He watched me cry and we talked about a number of different things.  Eventually, around 3am, I got too tired and went to bed.


Exercise – I walked today.

Diet – Horrible.  I didn’t follow it at all!

Cleaning and de-cluttering – I didn’t do either today.

Hygiene – I showered in the morning but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament – My mood was, understandably, all over the place today.

April 11-April 17

April 11th
I went to a gathering of friends.  I was unsure if I would enjoy myself, but I was determined to try.  Even though it had been almost two years, there were several friends who took my ex-husband’s side in the break-up.  Even though both of us insisted that nobody take sides.  There were still some “friends” who talked about me behind my back, but I didn’t know which friends they were.  Because of that, I always felt paranoid hanging out with our mutual friends.  I still did my best to try and have a good time and I tried to be friendly to everyone nonetheless.  My ex-husband was also there, but I tried not to talk to him too much.  His girlfriend was there and I didn’t want her getting jealous of me.  That and I really don’t have anything to say to him.  My heart still skips a beat whenever I see him, so I didn’t want to give anything away by actually talking to him.

After it was over, I drove up to Bryan’s place.  As always, we had difficulty keeping our hands off of each other and couldn’t stop kissing.  It’s so nice having a boyfriend who is affectionate and who really has a hard time not kissing or touching me.  There’s something comforting about knowing someone feels that way about you.

April 12th
We spent the morning kissing and cuddling and having sex, as usual.  Then his sister called and she came over.  We ate lunch with her and her kids.  Then we smoked pot and had sex high.  It was great!  I did worry about the fact that he was smoking pot.  His job drug tests, but he didn’t seem concerned.  If he wasn’t, I didn’t see it as my job to lecture him about it.  His kids came home after dinner, but I didn’t see them for long.  His youngest curled up with me on the couch and went so he put them to bed not long after they arrived.  He invited me to stay the night again.  We stayed up late and fell asleep watching tv.

April 13th
I got up very early and left for work.  I got home, changed, picked up a fast food breakfast and went to work.  I struggled with staying awake at work.  I bought a few caffinated sodas hoping that the combination of caffeine and high fructose corn syrup, my body would be shocked into a state of relative alertness.  It didn’t work.  I did my best to do my job, but when I got home, I crawled straight into bed.  However, I didn’t sleep.  I guess the caffeine had kicked in by then.   Then a number of friends came out of the woodwork to chat.  They were all people I hadn’t talked to in a long time, so it was good to do that!  I even talked to two friends on the phone.  I found out that the matter with the “friends” talking behind my back had been resolved, so I was very relieved. Because of all the catching up with old friends, I got to bed late, but it was worth it.

April 14th
Again, all day I struggles with staying awake.  I couldn’t think clearly and ended up ranting a little philosophically at my 8th grade class.  Thankfully it was 8th graders.  They’re too busy worrying about fitting in with each other to pay much attention to what a teacher says anyway.   I went to bed early in hopes that I would catch up on sleep.

April 15th
I woke up early and straightened up my apartment, swept, and cooked a few items in advance for dinner.  Work was different for me today.  I realized that all of the children I teach are somebody’s kids. I thought of Bryan’s kids and thought how I would like them to be treated in school, even when they misbehaved.  I found my experience to be even more rewarding!

I was on my way home when Bryan texted me to let me know he was on his way.  I was glad I was able to clean up a bit this morning, because I didn’t have any time to do any straightening up after I got home.  He arrived not long after I did.  It turns out that the auto parts place gave me the wrong part, so he went with me to get the right one. The store I returned it to was so inept, that we had to go to a different one.   I had forgotten my wallet at home and they had asked that I pre-pay, so he paid for my part.  By the time all of this got sorted out, I was feeling kinda numb with the stress and resultant depression that comes with it.

I finished dinner and he helped me with chopping vegetables.  We ate and watched tv and then spend the rest of the night in bed, so I completely forgot to go to the atm to pay him back.  My one cat decided to pee on the bathroom floor instead of the litter box, even though I had scooped the litter that morning.  I was mad, so I kept calling him names and refused to pet him.  Otherwise, it was a great night!  We fell asleep in each others arms like always.

April 16th
We awoke in each others arms.  I know I always say it, but it’s such a nice feeling.  We kissed and cuddled and he got going a little late because we had sex again.  I tried to get him to leave, but he wanted to stay.  We made plans for me to come and visit him Sunday afternoon and stay over again on Sunday night.

Work was good, but long.  I got there early and stayed late.  I had a lot to do and a lot to catch up on.  Grades are due next week, so with everything else I had to do, I started to feel stressed.  Again, I treated the kids like they were Bryan’s and again was pleased with the outcome.  When I got home, I spend the whole evening working to catch up on work.  I didn’t get anywhere close to finished, but I figured the more I did the things that needed to be done, the less there would be to stress over.  I got to bed late, and went right to sleep.

April 17th
Again I got to work early and stayed late.  I made some heavy duty mistakes with the copy machine and used 410 copies up on one thing when half of the things that got copied didn’t need it.  It was another good day at work. One of my coworkers recommended a trustworthy auto mechanic near where I live. I didn’t leave work until 5:00.  Once I got things done that had to be done at work, I went home and worked all night. I weighed myself and found that I had put 4lbs back on over the course of the month.  I also hadn’t done any exercise this week either.  I wondered why I couldn’t stick with either my diet or exercise.  I purposely made the goals small so they would be manageable.  Maybe I should report which meals I ate that I followed my diet with each day.  That way I feel like I could report something good and maybe see where the issues lie.  I also got stressed to the point where I wanted a cigarette, so I bought them and smoked a few in between projects. I started falling asleep at my computer around 10:30.


Exercise: I did my stretches and PT on both Saturday and Monday morning, but I didn’t do any cardio and I didn’t stretch or do PT again later in the week.

Diet: I did not follow my diet any day this week.

De-clutter and clean: I cleaned and de-cluttered one day this week.

Hygiene: There were four days when I was adequately showered and I didn’t brush my teeth at all.

Mood and temperament: I was in a good mood on Saturday and a great mood on Sunday.  On Monday and Tuesday I was so tired, that I don’t know what my mood was. My mood varied on Wednesday.  I was content, then stressed, then happy.  On Thursday, I was up, but stressed.  Friday was the same.  I think my temperament was good, but I am debating whether or not I actually lost my temper with the cat.  I didn’t feel like I had lost my temper, but I still treated him poorly.


April 6-10, 2015

Monday, April 6th

Today wasn’t really terribly exciting. My little brother came to visit and I was able to get a lot of things done. I think all he really needed was the company. That was good, because I couldn’t think of how to entertain him or really much that I even had to say to him. We had had such extensive conversations online that I felt like I had nothing left to say to him when I saw him in person. He followed me to the dentist as I got a tooth drilled. Again, I fell asleep watching movies with him. I was glad I was able to do that because he was able to leave the light on as long as he needed it before he was ready to go to bed.


Tuesday, April 7th

I dropped off Kevin and met a friend to go hiking. It was drizzling out, but we didn’t let that stop us! It was a good hike and we had some good conversations. After the hike, I


Wednesday, April 8th

I woke up early and started getting a lot of stuff done. I wanted my apartment to look and smell decent for when my massage buddy stopped by. My bed sheets were in the dryer when he told me he was sick and wouldn’t be coming. This is the second time he cancelled on me in a month. I’m starting to think I shouldn’t bother scheduling with him because he isn’t reliable.


I expressed my disappointment to Bryan. He offered to give me a long massage when I saw him. I was surprised. The main reason I kept my massage buddy was because Bryan and I really can’t massage each other for long before something else happens. We just can’t keep our hands off each other! That’s not a bad thing, but it doesn’t help my sore muscles.


My back had really been hurting, so I took a bath in hopes of relaxing my sore back. I lingered in the tub reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed. I read about her experience with her husband. While there were many differences in our situations, her feelings about the ending of her marriage were very akin to mine. I started getting depressed because of it. Finally, the water got cold for the third time and I grabbed my razor to shave my armpits. I look over at my left armpit and hanging from my arm is an insect. It must have been a tick! I have considered myself to be pretty calm under many situations. I have dealt with a student with a gushing head wound, a boyfriend vomiting all over himself, I have lived in a cabin for months with camel crickets and all other manner of insects, I can catch and clean fish, but for some reason, when there was a tick hanging out of my flesh, I experienced a revulsion unlike anything I had ever felt before. My first reaction was “GET IT OUT!!!!!” I didn’t have any tweezers, so I wasn’t sure what to do. I recalled a moment from my childhood with my mom doing something with a tick on my dog with a match. I grabbed a lighter and held the flame to the tick until it hurt my flesh too much, which wasn’t long. I checked on the internet. Everyone had their own tick removal trick. I was starting to get desperate. Some of the sites stated the real need for a pair of tweezers. The thought of putting a shirt on over my tick, walking to my car, driving to the store, buying the tweezers, and then getting to pull the thing out of me was more than I could take. I broke down and just grabbed the thing as close to the skin as I could between my two fingers and pulled. I had to pull hard. And the head popped off while inside me. Then I looked back on the internet again for what to do when the tick head is still stuck inside you. The sites all differed in advice. Some said that it would be fine if you left it in. Other sites recommended removing it like you would remove a splinter. There were even some that advised seeing a doctor right away. The head was pretty far in my arm, so I decided to leave it alone. Even though the fact that a parasite actively sucking my blood out of my arm freaked me out, I was much more okay with having its disembodied head stuck in my arm. I still was very shaken up about it, so I really didn’t get a lot done by the time Bryan came over.


Much to my surprise, Bryan was able to restrain himself long enough to give me a full body massage. It was wonderful! I offered to return the favor, but after touching me all over, he wanted something else. I was happy to oblige. I had a conversation that I had been meaning to have with him. I asked about the rule where we see each other once a week since we had seen each other three times and four days last week. He said he missed me and wanted to be with me. I asked him about the issues that were the reason we broke up. He said that the more that he lets go and stops worrying about the future, the more he enjoys the time he spends with me. I realized that I really hadn’t been thinking about the future much either and congratulated myself on that. He had been telling me that he missed me more and more often. I told him I was worried that he was getting addicted and neglecting the other things in his life. He told me that wasn’t happening, so I had to trust his judgement. I also expressed my concern about the fact that he had not only had me around his kids, but had held my hand and put his arm around me when they were there. He would even kiss me when their back was turned. As someone who had told me he wanted to wait six months before telling the kids we were dating, I thought that was odd. He told me he was jealous of his ex-wife because she’s living with her boyfriend who is sleeping in the same bedroom as her already. He thought if she could date other people in front of the kids, so could he. He also mentioned a moment that happened last weekend when the four of us were sitting around the dinner table eating and he told me that he felt complete! I know I shouldn’t have let it get to me, but I totally melted. I make him feel complete! It was probably a feeling similar to the one I had a few months ago when spending time with his kids for the first time. We fell asleep early in each others arms.


Thursday, April 9th

We woke up early and cuddled and kissed. It was really nice. He must have thought so too because he ended up leaving late for work. I was enjoying it too much to push him to leave. I also took my time about getting ready. I left my apartment slightly late and stopped at the nearest fast food restaurant to get some breakfast. When I came out, there was a policeman near my car. When I got in my car, he knocked on my window. After waiting some time and making me later than I wanted to, he gave me another ticket! This was another one for an expired inspection, since that was really the last thing I had wrong with my car’s paperwork. Although he told me he could have given me an additional ticket for my taillight, which was out, it didn’t exactly make me feel better.


I got to work a little late. Thankfully, I had other people who were there to let the students into the building. It was a LONG rehearsal. I got a lot done, but didn’t get as much done as I had anticipated. Afterwards I was really tired, so I spent the evening drifting in and out of sleep.


Friday, April 10th

I awoke early and got several things done, despite the fact that I spent most of the morning drifting in and out of sleep. I cleaned up the cat pee and puke in the bathroom. I caught up on all of my grading. That took several hours. I went out to get some food and I actually made pretty good food choices! I was proud of myself. I ran some errands. When I got back, I got packed for the weekend.   My plans are to visit with a friend two states over, then drive back and spend late Saturday and most of Sunday with Bryan. I drove to my friend’s house and the trip was pretty uneventful. When I got there, we hung out for awhile, and then went to bed.



Exercise: I did my stretching/PT one day and I did at least one block curciut of walking every day except Friday.


Diet: I didn’t follow my diet AT ALL on most of the days. On Friday, I mostly followed it.


De-cluttering and cleaning: I think I may have de-cluttered and cleaned one day.


Hygiene: I don’t know if my bath on Wednesday counts because I didn’t finish washing myself. I actually brushed my teeth 3 days out of 5!


Mood and temperament: I would say I spent three days mildly depressed. Two of them I would say I was content. My temperament was really good except for one day. I remember because I was driving in a road where my side had two lanes. There was someone who was double-parked so I had to stop and it took me forever to get over to get around her car. Once I did, I ended up in a long line at a traffic light, so she was right next to me getting back in her car. How entitled would she have to be to take up traffic instead of pulling into the nearby parking lot!? Then she motioned to me to let her in to the line of traffic. I gave her the finger and drove on. One thing I really don’t like about where I live now is that people are so entitled and the traffic is horrible. Everyone expects you to let them in, they break traffic laws so they can get ahead, they don’t use turn signals, they honk their horn for the most astinine reasons, and yet the police officers all pull me over. Wtf!?

April 2-5, 2015

April 2
I got up at 4am this morning so I could walk to work.  The walk wasn’t impossible, but I knew it was going to be long.  Four and a half miles was a long way to walk.  When I decided to make this month’s focus exercise, I didn’t expect to be jumping into it with both feet.  I had planned to ease myself into it.  Google said it would take me an hour and a half to walk it.  I decided to give myself two hours, just in case.  It took me an hour and 50 minutes.  By the time I got there I was ravenous!  People had left out cookies and candy and I pigged out on them! I was glad it was a shortened day.

My mom picked me up from work and drove me to the DMV.  The DMV told me that I needed a current inspection to get my registration and the police said that I needed a current registration to get my car out of impound.  They eventually worked it out and gave me a temporary registration.  It expires in 30 days to allow me enough time to get my car inspected.  By about 1pm, I was exhausted and was often fighting sleep.  I got to Bryan’s place and tried to stay awake.  His daughter spent her time doing my hair, which was fun.  His son spent his time talking to me about various topics.  I fell asleep before the kids did while watching a movie with them.

April 3
I awoke in Bryan’s arms, which is always so nice.  I heard one of his kids stirring in their room, so I hurried up and went downstairs so it would look like I slept on the couch.  We all took a road trip to the town where I had an unpaid ticket.  I paid it and got my license un-suspended.  Then I had the idea that we could color eggs together.  It was fun.  We also played board games and had enough time for me to do the girl’s hair in a french braid before they left.  Bryan and I were going to try and catch a movie right after he dropped off his kids, so I came with him.  I stayed in the car, unsure if I should meet their mother or not.  Apparently she commented that I can do hair better than she could.  We didn’t make it to the movie on time, but went food shopping and made a healthy meal together.  He’s working to eat healthier too, but he seems to be sticking to his diet better.  It was a good night spent together, but I ended up falling asleep early again.  My calves hurt from the day before, so I chose this day of the week to not exercise.

April 4
I said goodbye to Bryan early because I was meeting a friend to go hiking.  My calves were still very sore, but I tried to stick it out anyway.   The trails were very nice where we went and we had some good conversations.  I went home and dropped my car off at a garage.  The list of things they gave me that needed to be fixed before I could pass inspection did not at all match the list given to me by another garage a month or two before.  The only thing that stayed the same was the reason why my check engine light was on.  I hate being female and dealing with unknown mechanics.  So many of them try to screw you over.   I knew I needed a new serpentine belt, so when they told me that I needed a new belt and a tensioner, I told them to go ahead with the work.  Then they called me and told me it wasn’t the tensioner, it was a second belt and charged me $145 for it.   Yes, I understand that serpentine belts can be a bit of a pain to change, but it still seemed like a lot of money for two belts.

When I got home, my annoyance at the mechanic had turned to depression.  I just laid on my bed and told myself of the things I should be doing when Bryan messaged me.  He was at a barbeque in the next state over and wanted me to join him there.  I asked him about the rule we made where we saw each other once a week.  He said he missed me and that he wanted me to meet his sister.  With an invitation like that, I really couldn’t refuse.  It was still an hour and a half drive for me.  When I got there, there was a lot of drinking, smoking, and raunchy jokes.  His kids were mostly preoccupied elsewhere in the house, but I still felt weird drinking and smoking when they were around.  I guess his ex-wife had dropped the kids off there after they spent the night at her house.  I was a little disturbed to see that they were both wearing the same clothes that they were on Friday when we dropped them off and his daughter’s hair was still done up in the french braid.

I got along with the other people there well and had a good time.   Eventually, his ex-wife and her boyfriend stopped by.  I tried to treat her like I did everyone else there and everything seemed to go well, superficially, at least. As the night wore on, I noticed that Bryan was swaying when trying to stand up.  I made sure to take his arm whenever he tried to walk somewhere.  He eventually ended up passing out on a reclining chair.  I was worried about him so I asked his sister if he was likely to throw up since I hadn’t seen him get like this before.  I asked her if she should put down a bucket or trash can for him.  His ex-wife interjected and said to just leave him alone and he would be fine.  I figured she knew him well enough to know better, so we left him alone.  He slept for about a half hour, then woke up and threw up all over the chair, himself, the floor, and the carpet.  He got up and stumbled his way into the bathroom.  He fell backwards into the bathtub and threw up on himself and in the bathtub.  The sound woke up his oldest who told me the noise woke him up and asked for a glass of water.  I told him someone had tripped and fell, but they’re going to be fine.  I had to do my best to keep him out of the bathroom.  I felt like he should not see his father like that.  I ran out to try and get the glass of water to placate him and keep him out of that bathroom.  While I got the water, his mother went in there.  I don’t know what she said or did to him, but when I returned, he neither moved nor spoke when I told him I had his water.  It was weird, but I had been drinking and didn’t question it at the time.  Right before she left, I watched her raid the kids Easter candy, taking care to take from the baskets equally so that the candy wouldn’t be missed.

Bryan’s sister and her husband told me that they had never seen him get this drunk before.  They jokingly blamed my presence.  That stung, but I was able to pull it off like I thought it was a funny joke.  Eventually Bryan sobered enough to clean his vomit out of the bathtub and washed himself off.  He laid down on a long couch.  I curled up on the other end and tried to sleep.  It didn’t work well.  My back hurt when I curled up in one direction and my shoulder hurt when I curled up in the other direction.  At one point, Bryan woke up and curled up against me.  He kind of smelled like vomit still, but I remembered that I was wearing his hoodie and I could always wash my comforter cover when I got home.

April 5
I slept poorly.  I was hurting a lot, so I tried to sleep on the floor, but it was too cold.  At one point, when everyone was asleep except for me, Bryan’s daughter came out of her bedroom asking for her mommy.  I told her that her mommy wasn’t here and asked if I could do anything for her.  She wanted a drink, so I got up to give her one, when Bryan woke up and did it instead.  He apologized over and over.  I stopped him from apologizing, but told him that his sister and her husband should probably get an apology from him.  So he thanked me repeatedly instead.  He thanked me for not running in the other direction when I saw him like that.  He thanked me for helping him.  He thanked me for all sorts of things.  I still refused to kiss him because I had no doubt that he tasted like vomit.  At first he thought I was punishing him (what kind of woman was his ex if that was his first conclusion?), but I explained that I didn’t want to taste the vomit on his breath and that I wasn’t upset with him.  I was more worried about what would have caused him to drink that much.  He explained that he just misjudged the alcohol content in some of the home-brewed drinks they were serving.  I had avoided those drinks and I was glad that I did!

I drove to my mom’s house for Easter dinner.  My mom is over-medicated, so it’s kind of dull hanging out with her.  Even so, she’s a good person, so I try to do my duty by her.  I was very tired and kept nodding off on her couch.  Then I picked up my little brother who wanted to spend a few days with me.  We stopped by Bryan’s house because his friend had a code-reader that could erase the check engine light long enough for me to get my car inspected.  Bryan told me again that he missed me, so we stayed longer than I intended.

When Kevin and I got back to my apartment, it was disgusting.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t exactly clean when I left.  I already had a sink full of dishes, and the bathroom floor was already scattered with cat vomit and excrement.  I think it was worse making my brother see and smell it.  I spent the next hour making things more bearable.  He helped a bit and did some dishes.  We watched a movie, which I fell asleep during the first few minutes of watching.


Exercise: I got plenty of exercise on Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday (when I walked back from the mechanics).  I did not do any of my PT or stretching on those days.

Diet: I did not follow my diet on any of these days, but there were days when I was close.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I de-cluttered on Sunday.  I did not clean on any day.  Some days I was not home at all, so could not clean or de-clutter.  Otherwise, I was either just busy or lazy.

Hygiene:  I showered and brushed my teeth on Friday, but that was the only day.

Mood and temperament: I think my mood, overall was good.  There were a few days when I was just too tired to figure out what my mood was.  And I got annoyed/upset/depressed with my car inspection situation.

April 1, 2015

Today feels like an elaborate April Fools day prank. Only it wasn’t.

My day started out really good!  I got up early and did both my back stretches and my shoulder exercises.  I even straightened up my apartment. It still needs a good cleaning, but it was a start.  I had a good day at work too!  I even gave away the rest of my chocolate and followed my diet for breakfast and lunch.

I was on my way home when I got pulled over by a cop.  I knew both my registration and vehicle inspection were both expired, so I wasn’t looking forward to another ticket.  The cop came back and told me that my license was suspended due  to an unpaid ticket and he had to arrest me.  My car had to be impounded due to the expired registration.  They patted me down, cuffed me, and put me in the back of a police car.  They put me in a holding cell and asked me if I could post bail.  I couldn’t.  They asked me if I had a friend or family in the area who could do it.  I told them I just moved here in September and I didn’t have anyone.  I curled up in a ball in the corner of the holding cell and cried as they took care of all of my paperwork and read me my rights.  Finally they asked if I could do $100 bail.  I could.  They took me to the atm, I took out $100, and signed several forms.  I was told that I could get my car out of impound when I was able to provide a current registration.

Thankfully, my apartment was within walking distance from the police station.  I called my mom who was willing to drive 2 hours tomorrow to pick me up from work and take me to the DMV.  I just hope that I can get it all taken care of tomorrow.  After tomorrow, they will charge me daily for holding my car in the impound.  I drank the remaining alcohol in my fridge.  It wasn’t enough to get me drunk, as is evidenced by my still legible writing.  But it was enough to dull my senses, like I needed it to.


Exercise: I walked 4 blocks and did both my back stretches and shoulder exercises today.

Diet: I followed it until dinner.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I de-cluttered but did not clean today.

Hygiene: I showered, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood was good until I was arrested and my car impounded.  I think my depression was not an unreasonable reaction to that portion of my day.

March 30-31, 2015

I think there’s something wrong with wordpress’s stats feature.  Three people liked my last post, yet according to their stats feature, I have had no site views and no visitors.

Monday was an okay day.  It was busy.  I went out to dinner with a friend and then I went to a gathering I had organized.  I waited for an hour and a half, but nobody showed up.  I had been asked to organize this gathering.  I felt like I was doing someone a favor and was repaid by having nobody show up, not even the one who had asked me to organize it in the first place.  I was angry when I got home.  I had gotten very little done, so I tried to stay up late and do things.  All I ended up doing was wasting more time.  My back started hurting again, but they’re calling for rain or snow on Tuesday, so I’m assuming that’s why.

Today I woke up early enough to shower and do my dishes.  Because I was able to actually cook breakfast, I ate a healthy breakfast of hard-boiled eggs.  I even made extra and packed them for lunch.  By lunchtime I was ravenous!  I ate whatever the cafeteria was serving and ate a lot of it.  After eating the cafeteria food, which was some kind of stromboli wrap, I was extremely tired.  I even fell asleep waiting at the chiropractor’s office.  Then I went food shopping to purchase some herbs for a soup.  While I was there, I saw that some of my favorite Easter candy was on sale.  I spent a good part of the evening eating it and realized that I was starting to get depressed.  It seems that something I ate for lunch caused me to have fatigue and something in the candy I ate caused depression.  I knew intellectually that food affects things, but I never realized until today exactly what that effect was.   Why can’t I follow a diet regime? Out of 31 days, I think there was only one where I actually followed my diet.  It seems like it’s a self-perpetuating cycle.  I am tired and depressed, so I don’t feel like cooking so I eat food I shouldn’t.  Because I eat food I shouldn’t I am tired and depressed.  How do I break this cycle?  I’m just hoping that when I start focusing on exercise next month that it helps me.


Diet: I did not follow my diet on either day.

De-clutter and cleaning:  I did not de-clutter and clean on either day.

Hygiene: I showered on Tuesday.

Mood and temperament: I was pretty neutral on Monday, but did get pissed off when everyone bailed out on me.  I started Tuesday fine, but then was tired and later depressed.