Monday May 30, 2016

I awoke early to try and get as many things done as possible.  The plan was for Carl to wake up, get ready, send me a message, and come over in the morning.  I was looking forward to and dreading seeing him.  I was drawn to him so much that I was scared.  I was scared that with so much emotion on the line, I’d get hurt again.  I was scared that he wouldn’t return the emotion.  I was scared that e felt the same way and we’d live happily ever after together.  But most of all, I was scared that he would use my emotions to fuck with my mind the way my ex-husband did.

My work was almost done.  I only had a few small things left to do for my apartment to be ready for company when I received his message.  He would not be coming.  He woke up early in the morning with a fever and he still felt sick.  He expressed his disappointment because he had been looking forward to seeing me.  I honestly didn’t know what I did with myself for the rest of the day.  I suspect that it wasn’t anything particularly useful.  I was pretty depressed.  The worst part was my feelings for him caused this depression.  Where did these feelings come from?  I understand enough about my own feelings to know that while Diego and I needed to break up eventually anyway, that Carl was the real reason why I broke up with him so soon.  Carl never even mentioned dating, liking me, or anything.  It was the weirdest thing, to me.  Once I saw Carl and went hiking with him, even though absolutely nothing romantic took place between us, that I had lost all desire that I had for Diego.  And I felt bad about it. Diego was a good guy.  Diego was significantly better looking, objectively speaking, than Carl ever was.  But then again, Diego didn’t understand how to respect me, intellectually or sexually.  And the nasty things he said about me, to me, after I broke up with him made me lose all residual affection that I had for him.  Even so, I still felt bad, because I could think about was Carl.  And I had no good, logical reason for it.  And here I was, mourning the fact that he cancelled on me, because why?  I had a random feeling for him that was overwhelmingly strong that I couldn’t explain.  Is it possible that this is God or fate at work?  If so, I couldn’t figure out why.  I had to believe there was a plan.  Not because I wanted to believe in a plan, but because I was feeling all of this misery when there was no plan was a thought too unbearable to bear.

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Sunday May 29, 2016

I awoke early knowing that I had a lot to do today.  I got a lot done.  I did the laundry, caught up on grading papers, went food shopping, and started cleaning up several weeks worth of grime and clutter around my apartment.  Carl was busy with work, so he couldn’t talk most of the day.  He chatted in the evening though.

I started to run out of steam about midday, so I watched a movie.  And that turned into two movies. I chatted more with Carl because we were supposed to go hiking tomorrow and it’s supposed to rain. We decided that we’d just meet somewhere and figure out what we were going to do from there.  Since the trail is nearer my place, I suggested we meet at my place and go from there.  He assented.

He’s coming over to my place tomorrow!  I had so much to do!  I had so little time and energy to do it in! Shit, what if he wants to kiss me?  What if I don’t want to kiss him?  What if I do want to kiss him?  What if it’s just awkward?  What if we have a great time?  What if he’s expecting sex?  What if I decide I want sex too?  I tried to get as much done as possible, but I started to get tired by about 10:30. My apartment didn’t end up looking too great by the time I went to bed, but I did make some serious headway.  And I hoped I would still have time in the morning to get more done.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

I awoke early to find a message from Carl wishing me a good night. I also found a message from my friend. I told him the story of Diego and of Carl. He counseled caution, but more because he wanted me to not get hurt. Then I talked to my friend Aaron. When explaining Aaron to someone who hasn’t met him, I usually say that he often speaks in metaphors. And that is very true. I honestly couldn’t relate half of the substance of our conversation because I couldn’t remember most of it. However, it somehow managed to get myself to dig deep down and get at the root of some of the problems. It’s like we’re magnets. As a child, when he spent his time annoying the hell out of me, his presence was repugnant. Even if he wasn’t saying or doing anything, I wanted desperately to be away from him. Now, it’s like someone took that damn magnet and flipped it over and I feel drawn to him in a way that I can’t explain. And it’s scary and embarrassing. I realized many things, but I also realized the uncontrollable urge to actually tell Carl about all this. I composed a message to him on Facebook and pressed the “send” button.

“One of the things that I learned is that you scare me. It scares me that you are able to push a button and are able to elicit such an emotional reaction within me that I feel compelled to violence. My ex-husband has a similar ability, only he could find whatever would hurt me most at that given moment and say it. The fact that there is someone else out there who has that kind of a control over my emotional responses seriously scares me. I don’t ever want to be that vulnerable again. And I’m also scared at how much I’ve opened up to you emotionally and told you what’s going on with me. Usually when I confide in someone, it tends to come back and bite me. So, hanging out with you kind of scares me. But at the same time, I still want to, which I can’t explain logically, which also scares me. And the fact that I also feel compelled to tell you these things is also scary. I don’t know why I even feel compelled to tell you all of this.

But I do. And now I’m going to hide because I fear your response as well.

God I’m fucked up.”

And then I experienced all of the second-guessing and over-analyzing while I waited for a response. And his response didn’t come until several hours later (he was working).  He finally asked why I was scared and why I was comparing him to my ex-husband.

I answered the questions.  He was very complimentary towards me for the rest of the day. We had several good conversations, a few of which started to go into sex.  We never actually came out and said that we liked each other, but it was starting to become pretty obvious.  I was very scared. I was scared of liking him.  Scared he didn’t like me.  Scared he was still that asshole kid I knew growing up.  Scared that I really liked him and that I had a real connection with him.

Diego continued to text me.  He finally got insulting, suggesting that I liked to break men’s hearts.  That’s the point at which I told him that I would not be responding to his texts.  I received one more, but after I didn’t respond, he stopped.

I finished my resume and cover letter for that job.  Carl and I stayed up late chatting online, then I went to sleep.

 

Friday, May 27, 2016

I awoke around 5:30 and was groggy. I checked Facebook a few too many times to see if Carl had sent me any message. He hadn’t. As I got ready for the day, I contemplated how quickly things had gone downhill between Diego and I and questioned the unexpected feelings I had recently discovered for Carl.   It’s clear that all of this happened around the time I had stopped taking my pills that helped with my depression. Was I too happy and too accepting of Diego before?  Or maybe by recovering my true nature I had been drawn into something with Carl that was more natural and better for me?  Or maybe I’m insane because of Carl’s obvious faults and past behavior? Maybe I should start taking my pills again. There are advantages and drawbacks to having depression. Which one was it in this instance?  I’m not sure why I did it, but I chose not to message Carl this morning.  Maybe I didn’t like the need I had of checking my phone to see if he had messaged me.

I had some free time in the morning and worked on my resume for the job I had previously mentioned. Eventually Carl messaged me wishing me a good morning.   Diego also texted me in the morning. I adopted the playful intellectual tone I had been using with Carl and made a play on words. Unfortunately, it was missed in translation and he didn’t understand it. He texted me again at lunch and seemed out of sorts. I was driving at the time, so I told him I could not talk because I was driving. I’m not sure why, but he responded with the assertion that I do not want to talk to him. He continued on to lament of the unfairness with which I already punished him. That left me confused and wondering what unfairness he was already referring to. He never told me how I had “punished” him.

I had a half day for Memorial Weekend, so I decided to go to the movies.  There were several good movies out this weekend. I decided to see Through the Looking Glass. I had really related with Alice in the first movie in the series. She is a woman who she forgets who she is and then finds herself, even stronger than ever. In watching the second trailer, this one seemed to be about a struggle with the perception of mental illness, according to the previews. It turned out that the real theme was time. While there were many other good lessons to be gleaned from it, I realized that time should not be wasted nor squandered because we don’t know how much we have of it. And while not directly stated, it becomes obvious at what a good choice Alice made in the first movie not marrying Hamish. I put those two lessons together and decided it was time to break things off with Diego.

I thought about my future with Diego and realized he would be very controlling, treating me practically like his sex slave, and that he wouldn’t listen to or support me in anything (emotionally, professionally, or recreationally). It was just best to do it quickly, like ripping off a Band-Aid. Unfortunately, he wasn’t so obliging. Finally he called me. Once he finally understood, he simply said, “Bye” and hung up. Then I received a barrage of texts. First, he blamed me. He told me I was playing with his emotions the whole time and did not care about him. I tried to explain that I did care for him, that I still do, but that it’s best that we shouldn’t be together. He claimed that there was someone else. I faltered a little bit because I immediately thought of Carl. But then realized I had never done anything with him, nothing with him was guaranteed, and I didn’t even know for sure that he even liked me like that. Next, Diego played the victim. He talked about how nobody loved him, how his life is miserable, how he is better off alone, etc. I felt absolutely no sympathy given all the ways he treated me poorly, but didn’t even understand were ways of treating me poorly.  Next, he apologized, said he could change, that we could change. He talked about working things out and compromising.  At this part, I was getting really worn out emotionally.  I put a plea out on Facebook for someone to hang out with tonight.  I needed company.  I was miserable, but determined.  Every time I faltered emotionally, I remembered how it felt with his body pressed on top of me trying to kiss me and I just wanted him off.  Then Diego texted me “Te amo”. I burst into tears.  I needed to go somewhere, to be doing something and I needed to do it now.

I don’t know how many of you were reading this blog when we had our first big fight, but it was because I didn’t know the difference between “te quiero” and “te amo”.  “Te quiero” is telling someone you love them or like them a whole lot.  “Te amo”, according to Diego, meant that you loved that person so much you wanted to spend your life with them.  It might mean you were engaged or close to it. I don’t know why he said it.  Was it that he was finally appreciating me now that I was gone?  Was it a last-ditch effort?  But I knew I couldn’t marry a guy like him.

I had several friends respond to my plea, but they all lived too far away and offered hugs, apologies, and a listening ear.  Carl was going to see the new X-Men movie.  I practically invited myself along.  As I drove up, my phone kept buzzing with messages from Diego.  They were various takes on the things he said early.  He switched gears often.  My sadness quickly gave way to anger. How dare he treat me like he did and beg me to come back?  How dare he now be willing to change?  Why couldn’t this all have happened sooner when I was still willing to give him a chance? When I thought that he was just ignorant on how to treat women here?  Well, he still is ignorant about how to treat women here, but that’s because he didn’t want to listen to me or believe me or something.  By the time I arrived at the movie theater (Carl lives about an hour away from me), I was emotionally drained and wondering what I was doing there.

Carl showed up and we watched the movie.  I discovered that we mostly laughed at the same parts.  He didn’t try to do anything.  There were a few moments where we were touching, like when we both had our elbows on the armrest (or something stupid like that) and just that little stupid touch got me horny.  He always pulled away.  But from those few brief touches, I found myself wet.  Since when did my sex drive come back!?

After the movie, I checked my phone and saw that Diego had texted several times.  He wanted to see me.  I told him it wasn’t a good idea and that I was an hour away.   Carl and I talked for hours.  We stood outside the theater, I set my keys and wallet on the wall next to us, and we chatted.  I can’t really remember what we talked about except that I enjoyed it and I didn’t want it to end.  I also noticed that he kept moving slightly towards me.  The only reason I noticed was because a few times I had to move my keys and wallet because they ended up next to him and not me.  After a long time, he said he had to go.  He said good night and just walked away.  I fought to keep my eyes open on the way home and eventually got there around 2am.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Diego and I awoke in each others’ arms. He had tried to wake me up a few times to have sex with me. Each time I firmly said “no” and rolled over, so there could be no mistaking my meaning. Finally around 4:30am I had managed to wake without danger of going back to sleep. He immediately started kissing me and tried to get on top of me. I told him I still didn’t want sex. He again told me we should separate. He asked me if I would be better off without him. While, logically, I thought I would, I also started crying again because I knew how much I would miss him. I didn’t give him a straight answer, but the end of the morning conversation resulted in me being very late for work and that he would wait until the 6-8 week withdrawal period was over.

I explained as much as I could to Carl over Facebook messenger. He really seemed to be pushing me to break up with Diego. He was right in almost every particular, but I was just too tired to argue or even think about it. When I got to work, I was exhausted. I didn’t get enough sleep and the fact that my eyes were red from crying also made me want to close them at various intervals throughout the day. The day wasn’t that bad, as far as days are concerned. Nonetheless, I was happy for the end of the day when I could go to bed and catch up on sleep. I napped for about a half hour when my phone rang several times. I missed two calls from Diego, but picked up the third time he video called me. He wanted to see me. He could tell I was half awake and finally realized that I was falling asleep while talking to him, so he very abruptly let me go.

I awoke about an hour and a half later. I got something to eat and tried to work on my resume for a job that a friend told me was hiring for two days a week, the exact amount my position had been cut at my school. I couldn’t focus on the resume and cover letter, so I chatted a bit more with Carl before saying “good night”.

Wednesday May 25, 2016

I was doing okay today.  I got through the work day, despite several hiccups from parents.  What the hell is wrong with parents today!?  I don’t understand why they believe their child over a teacher, especially when it’s obvious that the child is lying to prevent getting in trouble.  When I was a kid, my parents always believed the teacher when I was in trouble.  Why is it the opposite today?  Sure, there are a few (very few) teachers who may just have it out for a kid, but the vast majority put up with all the shit that comes with teaching because they love to do it.  They like to make a difference in the lives of others.

I didn’t talk to Carl as much during the day because my schedule was packed today. Because I didn’t have any plans after work today, I ran a bunch of errands.  I was really hungry, so I picked up some fast food.  As I drove home eating, Diego called asking what I was doing.  I explained that I was driving and he asked if he could come over.  I told him sure, but that I probably wasn’t going to want sex.  My sex drive had really tanked the past week or so.  He said that was okay and that he’d bring me dinner.  I told him I didn’t need dinner, but that it would be nice to see him.

He showed up with dinner.  And then he told me that I should lose some weight, for my health.  And then he told me to eat some of the food he brought me.  He lectured me about not being polite and respectful.  He said he had wanted to do something nice for me by buying me dinner. I told him he should have listened to me when I said I already ate, especially since he told me I needed to lose a few pounds. He told me that I should never reject it, but just put it in my fridge to eat later.  I did, but I was annoyed, not only with the weight reference, but the fact that it was almost immediately followed by a plea to eat extra when I wasn’t even hungry.

We watched a partial movie.  Diego kept trying to kiss me and I just wanted to watch the movie.  His kisses stopped being desirable and were almost loathsome.  About halfway through the movie, he asked if I wanted to go to bed.  I told him I didn’t want to have sex.  He said okay, but said that he would spend the night anyway.  I was hopeful that hings were turning around for us.  Maybe he was starting to understand my depression and what I needed from him.  No.  Sadly, that was not the case.

He tried for sex.  Then he got annoyed that he was rejected.  He said I didn’t care for him anymore because I didn’t want to have sex with him.  I told him that it was the depression.  He accused me of not caring about his feelings.  HIS FEELINGS!?  Here I was, so depressed that I don’t even want sex anymore and I had to be mindful of the fact that he was disappointed that I wasn’t in the mood!?  I was angry.  He then told me that he thought maybe he was better off alone.  I started to cry.  I started to think that he was right, but I cried because I would still miss him.  We broke up several times over the course of that night.  We stayed up until at least midnight alternating between my crying, cuddling, and talking.  Exhausted, I ended up falling asleep in his arms.

Monday May 23, 2016

I awoke tired.  I kept falling back asleep and putting off getting up.  I toyed with the idea of calling in sick, just to get some sleep.  My muscles were sore from the other day. Then I remembered that I have my art show today.  My assistant principal insisted that I have one.  The problem is that today she completely did everything in her power to prevent me from having a good one.  She wouldn’t let me offer the kids who participated a grade to boost participation.  She wouldn’t give me any time today to even set up and hang up everything.  I was angry.  I was seriously angry.  I am not liking these mood swings at all.

Carl kept messaging me over the course of the day. I heard nothing from Diego at all until I texted him at lunch. He barely spoke to me.

It took a lot hard work after school, but I managed to get everything together and put up for the art show. I stayed for as little time as I could get away with and drove home. I had intended to go to bed early, but then I got into another interesting conversation with Carl. Then Diego video called me. He, of course, took my depression personally. I explained that it’s not about him. That I’m struggling with depression and unless I tell him it does, it has nothing to do with him. For once, I think he got it because he asked how he could help. I explained that he could cuddle with me, spend time with me, but told him not to push me to have sex because I really won’t feel like it when I’m depressed. Surprisingly, not he agreed. I couldn’t wait to get him off the phone so I could pick up the conversation with Carl. I was tired and depressed, but I felt horrible for the idea. Dating Carl would be the dumbest idea, with he way he can annoy me. And the gut reaction I have with his annoyance. Diego started talking about going out to eat and to the movies. I think that was meant to be a panacea for my complaints about him not wanting to be part of my life. It’s not likely. I am afraid to act because I do care about him. And maybe I need to talk myself into why he’s bad for me because I care about him, we have a chemistry, he is a good guy, and he’s really good looking. But I’m tired and I’m thinking in circles.

Tuesday May 24, 2016

I did my morning meditation, but I didn’t feel as calm as usual. Maybe I need to get back into the habit first. I also started to take the rain again. I have been so busy lately, that for a long time I drove to work. Even though I have to leave earlier, I like the calmness and the extra time that I get on the train to get stuff done. As difficult as the walk can sometimes be, I need the exercise. Not just because I need to exercise, but also because I need the exercise to help with my depression.

I had a relatively good day. I got a lot of back work done. I had some fun conversations. I chatted with Carl, but not as much. There was one point where he alluded to liking me. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t. I look forward to his responses to our talks, but I say I feel anything past friendship for him. Otherwise, it is nice to have someone to be there for me, to hear my random stories, and (even better) to understand them!

In the morning, I told off someone where I thought I was being degraded for being a woman. Then in the afternoon I as told off for bumping a woman who was blocking off the sidewalk talking in rapid Spanish. While I tried to remember whether or not I should say “disculpe”, “perdon”, or “lo siento”, she spoke very rudely to me in English  and indicated that she would beat me up next time. I laughed loudly and as carelessly as I could. I have found that is the best reaction to such things.

I enjoyed my time on the train. I went on a quick evening hike and managed to pick up a new map of trails near me. Diego texted me a bit and seemed a lot more attentive than usual. Carl also messaged me rather often. I wondered why I was talking to him so much.  I really didn’t know him all that well.

To put things in perspective, I’m going to give a little background on my experience with Carl.  We grew up in the same town.  We rode the same bus, but really didn’t have many of the same classes.   He was extremely annoying, though he claims to have changed. He explained about his own fucked up childhood and how he did it for attention.  All I knew was that every time he was nearby I wanted to be far away.  I felt almost repulsed by him. We were so bad together that we even got into violent fights, which he started (but I finished).  Our worst fight was in art class (we both enjoyed art and he is actually still making art today).  He hit me in the nose with one of those crappy rigid “canvas” things that we used a lot in class (I guess my school was too cheap to use real frames). It gave me a bloody nose, so I took a ceramic bowl that had just been fired and hit him upside the head with it.  We had mutual friends, so occasionally ended up hanging out together, but there were times where I would purposely not go to something if I knew he was going to be there.

Then, about 15 years ago, Carl found me on MySpace, claiming he always had a crush on me.  It took a lot of messaging and talking for me to remove my former prejudices of him.  I really hated him that much!  Eventually, I started to like him.  It may have been just because I was at a point in my life where I was off of meds and shouldn’t have been, so I was really depressed. Eventually, he made plans to come up and visit me, even though he was several states away.   He was supposed to be my date for a wedding and stood me up, so I  stopped talking to him.

So why was I just opening up to him and telling him everything!? I had no good reason to trust this guy, and yet I felt like I could tell him anything and everything.  What the fuck is wrong with me!?

 

Sunday May 22, 2016

Diego kept trying to wake me up to have sex with him.  Every time I told him ‘no’ and went back to sleep.  Then at about 6:30, I was very clearly awake.  I told him my back hurt too much to have sex.  That was true.  And then one thing led to another and he somehow convinced me to have sex with him anyway.  Afterwards he apologized several times, but I wasn’t sure why.  I tried talking to him about some of the things that were bothering me.  First, I tried to have some abstract conversations.  I asked him what he wanted out of life.  He said he wanted to buy  a house, have enough money, and someone to share it with.  He went on to say that he didn’t want to argue and that he didn’t want anyone with a “strong personality”.  I asked him why he was dating me.  I realized that he didn’t see me as even having any kind of strong character.  Then I realized that he had never seen me in any context where he would see it.  He only really ever saw me on the train, at the grocery store, at various restaurants, and at my house. There was never an instance where he needed to see the strength in my character.  I also told him he didn’t want to be a part of my life since he’s not met anyone in it or had any interest in doing any of the activities that are important parts of my life.  He claimed that he didn’t have the time.

While he was in the bathroom, I logged on to Facebook and saw that a friend posted one of those memes.  This one said “If you have to leave your house to meet your best friend, you married the wrong person.”  So, it became very clear  that Diego didn’t understand how to be a partner.  Working was more important to him than I was or I was not a priority.  I tried to be fair.  I remembered the night that he held me when I cried all night over the death of a family member.  I also recalled a few of the gifts he bought me over the past few months.  They weren’t numerous or expensive, but they were practical and I use them all, most of them daily.

I projected my vision in to the future.  Our relationship currently consists of meeting up to watch TV and have sex 2-3 times a week.  If things don’t change, then it wouldn’t go anywhere.  Even if we did move in, he wouldn’t be around or available unless it was convenient for him.  He always puts himself first.  While he does do nice things for me, I end up doing much more for him than he does for me.  Maybe it’s just the depression making me see the bad in him.  Maybe it’s really like that.

I hung out with a group of friends today.  I tried talking to them a bit about my issues. They listened, but didn’t really offer any advice or even ask any additional questions.  Excepting one friend who had clearly had bad experiences with a Hispanic man.  She has been telling me to dump him as soon as we started dating.  This time she told me that he wasn’t serious about me because he hasn’t met my parents yet.  It’s a Hispanic culture thing, apparently, the meeting of the parents.  His mother is in the country he came from, so I really didn’t think much about it.

I ended up getting home must later than I intended, but couldn’t figure out where the time had went with my friends. As I was driving home, I picked up my cell phone and saw that Carl had messaged me a few times. When I was almost home Diego texted me for the first time all day.  Diego asked how I was doing and then wished me a good night.  Carl continued to chat with me until I fell asleep at the keyboard and wished him a good night.

Saturday May 21, 2016

I woke up this morning feeling significantly better than last night.  I awoke long before my alarm.  I even managed to get myself out of bed in time to accomplish a few things before my trip to the mechanic.  That went well too.  The work was less expensive than I had anticipated and they managed to procure the part and fix it in record time.

I had posted a plea to Facebook a few days before looking for someone who wanted to come hiking with me.  I was surprised at who it yielded.  One was a friend of a friend named Mark who I had met at the parties of that friend a few times.  He was married with kids, but seemed to enjoy the things that I posted to Facebook.  The other was Carl, an acquaintance from high school.  I call him an acquaintance because we never really hung out.  We had a number of friends in common.  We rode the same bus.  We both took the same art classes.  However, he worked to be extremely annoying, so I tried to distance myself from him as much as possible.  He caught up with me again via the internet maybe 15 years ago.  I was in a particularly depressed and pathetic state of mind at the time.  He confessed that he always liked me and was just trying to get my attention in high school.  He was supposed to drive a long way to visit me.  His car died and it never happened.  We stopped talking to each other.  We caught up again about 10 years later when he was married and I was planning my wedding. It was just a few conversations here and there and then we stopped talking again.

So anyway, Carl and I Facebook messaged a good deal this morning.  We both decided, on the spur of the moment, to go hiking together later today.  We met and he was facing away from me.  Judging by the body type and the bald spot just starting on the back of his head, I wondered if it was the same person.  It had been a while since I had seen him.  He turned around and again, he was difficult to recognize.  I noticed a few similar facial features.  Otherwise, he looked like a stranger.    I was surprised at the inherent strength in his arms.

We walked for a few miles.  I was embarrassed at how out of shape I was.  At how I huffed and puffed on the uphills.  At how many times I had to stop and rest.  He didn’t seem to mind as we had more conversation while I was resting. We talked a lot.  Okay, I talked a lot, but he talked too.  I had forgotten many things about him.  He is of the same spiritual belief as me, which is rare.  I told him a lot of things that most people won’t tell an acquaintance.  I told him about my problems with depression, about stopping my pills, about Diego’s behavior the night before.  We reminisced about various things in high school that I had forgotten about.  We had a number of good laughs.  He was significantly less annoying than I remember.  He told me he had done a lot of self-work and that was the result.  There were a few times he did annoy me.  And I had the almost uncontrollable urge to hit or kick him.  I thought about it in hindsight.  What was wrong with me that annoyance resulted in the almost immediate reaction of inflicting violence?

I chatted with Carl more after I got home.  He offered to be there for me, to talk to, etc. whenever Diego wasn’t.  My suspicions were instantly raised.  I asked why.  I asked what was in it for him.  He said he’s happy just making other people happy.  Making them smile when they had a bad day, etc.  I didn’t buy it and just assumed that he wanted me for some reason or other.  I couldn’t imagine why.  His affections from high school couldn’t have lasted this long.  especially because he didn’t know me, not even then.

Diego randomly showed up. I told him I was too tired for sex.  He was to. He worked two jobs today. I suddenly felt unsatisfied with him.  I missed being able to connect with someone on an intellectual level.  I missed being able to talk about random theories and things related to this culture that Diego would never understand.  I missed having someone around who shared my sense of humor.  Not that I think that Carl and I would be good together.  In fact, he’d probably drive me crazy. But my time spent with him did make it clear that something was lacking with Diego.  But what do I do about it?  What could I do? It took me longer than it should have to go to sleep.