I awoke long before my alarm, but kept nodding back off. It was all I was able to do to get up, feed the cats, scoop the litter, and pack my breakfast and lunch. I even kept nodding off on the train. I was surprised because I usually can’t sleep in the morning on the train. I suppose that since I’m finally starting to catch up on sleep that my body wants me to continue.
Work was good. As is usual, I ended up chatting with Juan on the way home. The train was so full on the way home, we ended having to sit directly next to each other in a set of two seats. He sat down and patted the seat beside him in case I didn’t understand him. He then said, “I don’t pinch,” in Spanish. He had to demonstrate the word for ‘pinch’, which I promptly forgot. I told him we have a similar saying in English, “I don’t bite.” We burned through a lot of topics in quick succession. He talked about his sister-in-law coming to the U.S.. He complained that she flirts too much with him. I told him the English word for ‘flirt’ and again forgot the word for it in Spanish. Then he talked a lot about how his Spanish-speaking friends all had wives in their home country and girlfriends here. He spoke of one friend who had sex with over 100 women. Then Juan talked about how he never cheated on his wife, that he was happy with her and that he liked to make her happy. He mentioned that his friends’ girlfriends were always calling and he couldn’t do that. At first I thought he was going on about how much he didn’t want to cheat on his wife. Then it seemed like he didn’t because of the logistics of doing so were too difficult. He also said he doesn’t talk to many women, just me and his wife. That’s when the red flags started going up. He kept trying to tell me something, but didn’t have the words in English to do so and I didn’t know enough in Spanish to understand. He asked if I liked Mexican men. That seemed odd because neither he nor his Spanish-speaking friends are from Mexico. I told him that it wasn’t important. That personality was the most important thing. He didn’t understand about personality, so I listed the qualities I valued like intelligence, kindness, and having common interests. He asked me if I was just with my ex-husband. I told him that when I was with him, I was only with him, but that I had boyfriends before and after. He asked how many and I wasn’t sure. He used the word ‘feelings’ and asked if it was the right word. I told him I didn’t understand, but felt a blush creep up my cheeks. Thankfully he didn’t know and I kept saying that I didn’t understand him. Eventually, he stopped trying to convey whatever it was and asking odd, unconnected questions. Then he quizzed me on body parts. I failed miserably.
On my drive home from the train station, it occurred to me that maybe he wanted me for a mistress. It’s true that if he were single, I would totally date him. He’s good-looking for his age (he’s about 5 years older than me) with few signs of aging, high cheekbones and nice eyes. He’s nice, intelligent, and fun to hang out with. However, he is not single, nor is he ever likely to be. So the question is, do I wait to address it? I enjoy our friendship and I enjoy learning from him. I thought I was safe from this sort of thing as he was happily married. I was angry. I was disappointed. I was flattered. As my heart overflowed with frustrated emotions, I yelled, “FUCK” while driving in my car. I got a few looks from passing pedestrians, but I didn’t care. My thoughts ran a mile a minute. Why does it seem like I only attract guys that are taken!? Or is that just that most people my age are taken!? I then felt happy that I was at least able to attract someone like him and that made me feel good. Not that I wanted to attract him, specifically, but just that I still had the ability to attract a guy after getting to know me felt good. Then I entertained the idea of sleeping with him anyway. I knew logically that it was a bad idea. I just tried to focus on Rich’s visit this weekend. At least Rich is single, to my knowledge. But we don’t like the same music, our conversations are more awkward than interesting, and we seem to have little in common anymore.
When I got home, more and more pieces started to fall into place in my head. When I talked to Juan about my male friend coming to visit, he asked me the word for “jealous”. I thought he was just randomly changing the subject, but now I think he had connected them in his mind. Then I thought about how he often commented on my clothes saying some were nice and others made me look like an old lady. I thought he was helping me review the names for clothes, but now I’m not so sure. Perhaps he meant some of it as complimenting it. My brain swirled with activity, at war with my heart. It’s not like I’m in love with him or anything, but talking with him always did seem to improve my day. I had the overwhelming desire to blog about this and realized just how far I had fallen behind in my blogs. I spent the evening trying to catch up on my blog.
Act of kindness: I helped a parent set up the book fair when her other volunteers didn’t show up.
Nature: I spent 40 minutes in nature today.
Finances: I spent $5.75 on parking and $1 on snacks..
Relationships: I chatted with Juan, some parents, and my co-workers.
Meditation: I meditated this morning.
Sleep: I slept 8 hours or so.
Exercise: I did 40 minutes of exercise today.
Diet: I mostly followed my diet today, excepting a small chocolate milk and rice krispie treat.
De-clutter/Clean: I did neither today.
Hygiene: I was showered today, but did not brush my teeth.
Mood and temperament: My mood was good today until the end of it, then I was anxious and confused. My temperament was good.