October 6, 2015

I awoke long before my alarm, but kept nodding back off. It was all I was able to do to get up, feed the cats, scoop the litter, and pack my breakfast and lunch. I even kept nodding off on the train. I was surprised because I usually can’t sleep in the morning on the train. I suppose that since I’m finally starting to catch up on sleep that my body wants me to continue.

Work was good. As is usual, I ended up chatting with Juan on the way home. The train was so full on the way home, we ended having to sit directly next to each other in a set of two seats. He sat down and patted the seat beside him in case I didn’t understand him. He then said, “I don’t pinch,” in Spanish. He had to demonstrate the word for ‘pinch’, which I promptly forgot. I told him we have a similar saying in English, “I don’t bite.” We burned through a lot of topics in quick succession. He talked about his sister-in-law coming to the U.S.. He complained that she flirts too much with him. I told him the English word for ‘flirt’ and again forgot the word for it in Spanish. Then he talked a lot about how his Spanish-speaking friends all had wives in their home country and girlfriends here. He spoke of one friend who had sex with over 100 women. Then Juan talked about how he never cheated on his wife, that he was happy with her and that he liked to make her happy. He mentioned that his friends’ girlfriends were always calling and he couldn’t do that. At first I thought he was going on about how much he didn’t want to cheat on his wife. Then it seemed like he didn’t because of the logistics of doing so were too difficult. He also said he doesn’t talk to many women, just me and his wife. That’s when the red flags started going up. He kept trying to tell me something, but didn’t have the words in English to do so and I didn’t know enough in Spanish to understand. He asked if I liked Mexican men. That seemed odd because neither he nor his Spanish-speaking friends are from Mexico. I told him that it wasn’t important. That personality was the most important thing. He didn’t understand about personality, so I listed the qualities I valued like intelligence, kindness, and having common interests. He asked me if I was just with my ex-husband. I told him that when I was with him, I was only with him, but that I had boyfriends before and after. He asked how many and I wasn’t sure. He used the word ‘feelings’ and asked if it was the right word. I told him I didn’t understand, but felt a blush creep up my cheeks. Thankfully he didn’t know and I kept saying that I didn’t understand him. Eventually, he stopped trying to convey whatever it was and asking odd, unconnected questions. Then he quizzed me on body parts. I failed miserably.

On my drive home from the train station, it occurred to me that maybe he wanted me for a mistress. It’s true that if he were single, I would totally date him. He’s good-looking for his age (he’s about 5 years older than me) with few signs of aging, high cheekbones and nice eyes. He’s nice, intelligent, and fun to hang out with. However, he is not single, nor is he ever likely to be. So the question is, do I wait to address it? I enjoy our friendship and I enjoy learning from him. I thought I was safe from this sort of thing as he was happily married. I was angry. I was disappointed. I was flattered. As my heart overflowed with frustrated emotions, I yelled, “FUCK” while driving in my car. I got a few looks from passing pedestrians, but I didn’t care. My thoughts ran a mile a minute. Why does it seem like I only attract guys that are taken!? Or is that just that most people my age are taken!? I then felt happy that I was at least able to attract someone like him and that made me feel good. Not that I wanted to attract him, specifically, but just that I still had the ability to attract a guy after getting to know me felt good. Then I entertained the idea of sleeping with him anyway. I knew logically that it was a bad idea. I just tried to focus on Rich’s visit this weekend. At least Rich is single, to my knowledge. But we don’t like the same music, our conversations are more awkward than interesting, and we seem to have little in common anymore.

When I got home, more and more pieces started to fall into place in my head. When I talked to Juan about my male friend coming to visit, he asked me the word for “jealous”. I thought he was just randomly changing the subject, but now I think he had connected them in his mind. Then I thought about how he often commented on my clothes saying some were nice and others made me look like an old lady. I thought he was helping me review the names for clothes, but now I’m not so sure. Perhaps he meant some of it as complimenting it. My brain swirled with activity, at war with my heart. It’s not like I’m in love with him or anything, but talking with him always did seem to improve my day. I had the overwhelming desire to blog about this and realized just how far I had fallen behind in my blogs. I spent the evening trying to catch up on my blog.

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Act of kindness: I helped a parent set up the book fair when her other volunteers didn’t show up.

Nature: I spent 40 minutes in nature today.

Finances: I spent $5.75 on parking and $1 on snacks..

Relationships: I chatted with Juan, some parents, and my co-workers.

Meditation: I meditated this morning.

Sleep: I slept 8 hours or so.

Exercise: I did 40 minutes of exercise today.

Diet: I mostly followed my diet today, excepting a small chocolate milk and rice krispie treat.

De-clutter/Clean: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I was showered today, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood was good today until the end of it, then I was anxious and confused. My temperament was good.

October 5, 2015

I did not want to get up this morning. I had stayed up “late” to make my food for today. I managed to get up in enough time to shower, dress, and pack my breakfast and lunch. This morning Juan and I talked a little. I had mentioned that I saw my husband this weekend since I didn’t have the words to explain hiking. He cut right to the chase and asked if my ex-husband tried to get back with me. I told him he did this summer, but that I didn’t want him back. He asked if I ever got lonely, wanted someone around. Of course, once he mentioned it, tears sprang to my eyes. I changed the subject and told him I was having a male friend visit this weekend. I couldn’t tell him how lonely I was at times. Although I really hadn’t been feeling the loneliness much lately, as soon as he said it, I felt it. I felt it badly. But what could I do?

I made it through the day, but I was depressed. When it came to lunch time, I didn’t even taste my meal. Or maybe that was the remnants of my being sick. I don’t know. I ended up catching the usual train so I ended up on the same one as Juan, but I was so depressed, I didn’t feel like talking to him. The connecting station is pretty big, so I stayed out of sight until the train arrived. We ended up on different cars, so I don’t think he saw me. When I got home, I tried to distract myself from my feelings. I worried that I’d be alone forever since it seems like all the good guys (and many not so good guys) are taken. I tried messaging Rich, but he didn’t have anything interesting to say, as usual. I took a bath and read a book to try and dull my misery. It dulled it a bit.   Eventually I went to bed, almost on time, for once.

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Act of kindness: I did nothing helpful today.

Nature: I spent 40 minutes in nature today.

Finances: I spent $5.75 for parking.

Relationships: I chatted with Juan in the morning and my coworkers.

Meditation: I meditated this morning.

Sleep: I slept 5 hours or so.

Exercise: I did 40 minutes exercise today.

Diet: I almost followed my diet today. I had one small piece of tiramisu and it wasn’t even worth breaking my diet over.

De-clutter/Clean: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I was showered today, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood was bad today. After that comment form Juan, I sunk into a depression that I couldn’t dig my way out of. My temperament was good.

October 4, 2015

I woke up late this morning, but didn’t leave bed until I knew I had to in order to arrive to Chandra’s house on time. I think it’s really nice of her to teach those spiritual classes according to my schedule and when I can show up. I had a difficult time focusing, but I tried not to show it.

I then met my friend Liz who I used to work with a few years back. She’s older than me by about two decades. Though we have little in common, she’s a very sweet lady. From what I understand, she always gave glowing recommendations for the last two jobs I had, so the least I can do is acquiesce to her request to have lunch together a few times a year. I actually did enjoy myself, much to my surprise.

When I got home, I made a shopping list for the next two weeks and then went food shopping. Discounting what I spent on the cat food, it averaged out to $10/day, which isn’t bad considering I bought organic foods whenever I could find them.  I had been listening to these videos on weight-loss recently and it gave me the motivation to try again.  However, I discovered today that it was way out of my price range, so I’d have to do it on my own.  I still learned a few things from the videos, which I was grateful for and hoped to put into practice.

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Act of kindness: I helped Chandra figure out how to do conference calls on magic jack.

Nature: I spent no time in nature today.

Finances: I spent $35 in gas and tolls and $180 in groceries.

Relationships: I chatted with Liz and Chandra.

Meditation: I meditated this morning.

Sleep: I slept 8 hours or so.

Exercise: I did no exercise today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-clutter/Clean: I did both today.

Hygiene: I was showered today, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood was good today. My temperament was good.

October 3, 2015

I had plans to go on a short hike today with my hiking group.  I still wasn’t feeling 100%, but I figured it would be okay because it was just for a few hours.  It was good to see everyone, but nobody seemed interested in talking to me.  Except my ex-husband.  He seemed very interested in chatting.  While I maintain that I think I am over him, I felt some anger at what he said and did in August.  It didn’t help that he brought his girlfriend and she was staring daggers at me much of the time.  Knowing my ex-husband, he probably told her the story of what happened in August in his typical string of half-truths.  I also saw Jack, who I didn’t recognize because he had shaved off his previously large beard.  He looked older, but that could just be that the usual sparkle he had in his eyes was gone and was replace by a more vacant, lost look.  I felt for him, but I had no idea what to say.  I also didn’t want to be too friendly with him.  The last thing either of us needed was people thinking that we were dating or something.  I attempted conversation with several people.  After a while, I gave up and hiked in contented silence.

I found myself walking behind everyone since my lungs were not cleared from being sick.  I ran into my friend Zak.  He’s not usually part of that hiking group, but I was glad to see him.  We chatted about a few things and then all of a sudden, I wanted to cry.  I didn’t know why because we were chatting about superficial topics, of which I care little about.  I finally resolved then and there to avoid my hiking group for a while.  I thought that my feelings were more to do with my ex-husband, but now I just don’t feel welcome.  Our group got so big in the last year or two that we have broken up into various cliques.  However, I am not part of any of them.  Because of that, I felt left out.

We went out to lunch afterwards.  I did much better.  I managed to talk most of the time, but left early.  I was anxious to do more work on my apartment.  I smoked a few cigarettes today.  They were the first cigarettes I had since I got sick last Friday.  When I got home, I messaged the leader of our hiking group and officially told him I was taking time off from our group.  That shouldn’t stop me from hiking, I just see no point hanging out with a group of people when I don’t feel welcome.  It’s not that I don’t have friends.  It could be all in my head at this point, but after everything that happened, I really am only having serious emotional issues when I hang out with them, for whatever reason. I see that as a good reason to take a break from it for a while.

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Act of kindness: I helped someone out and carried something for her on our hike.

Nature: I spent a few hours in nature today.

Finances: I spent $35 in gas and tolls and $35 in food.

Relationships: I chatted with various hiking friends.

Meditation: I did not meditate this morning.

Sleep: I slept 6 hours or so.

Exercise: I did a few hours of exercise today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-clutter/Clean: I did both today.

Hygiene: I was showered today, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood fluctuated very unpredictably today. My temperament was good.

October 1, 2015

I still felt poorly when I woke up.  The lack of sleep was starting to catch up to me.  I started feeling slightly worse this morning.   I was coughing like crazy and still had a runny nose.  Today was my day of tough classes, so I just resolved to survive it.  I managed, but it was tough.

On the train, it was tougher than usual to speak with Juan.  I couldn’t hear him well and my brain felt befuddled from being sick.  Or maybe it was from being burned out from my day.  Either way, the end result was the same.

I drove straight to Chandra’s house because I promised her I would stop by.  I couldn’t concentrate on the spiritual lesson and helped her out with the internet again afterwards. She kindly made me a delicious meal!  It was just cream of wheat with raisins, almonds, and cardamom, but it was so tasty!  I stayed later than anticipated and so I was fighting sleep on my drive home.

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Act of kindness: I helped Chandra with submitting some stuff online.

Nature: I spent 40 minutes in nature today.

Finances: I spent on $5.75 on parking and $15 on fast food.

Relationships: I chatted with Juan, Chandra, and my co-workers.

Meditation: I meditated this morning.

Sleep: I slept 6 hours or so.

Exercise: I did 40 minutes of exercise today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-clutter/Clean: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I was showered today, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: I was good, but very tired and out of it. My temperament was good.

September 30, 2015

I slept very poorly last night. My one cat kept throwing up and I was worried about her. It started pouring rain intermittently, so I woke up every time it started again.   Then I woke up every time my back hurt or I had to cough. Needless to say, I slept poorly and did not get enough sleep. I had a difficult time getting up, but I knew I had to clean up the cat puke and the cat pee that wold likely be there because I was too tired to scoop the cat litter last night. I was right. I barely had time to dress after attending to the messes left by the cats.

Today when I got off the train, the weather had become very humid. It made it worse for me to climb that hill. My lungs complained and I was coughing like crazy. I made it, though. For some reason, I have not been in as good a mood as I have been. Perhaps it’s because I’m still sick, but I haven’t been as happy as I was. I’m not unhappy, it’s just noticeably worse, I guess. My day went well enough, but my work seemed to pile up all at once. I had a class where I didn’t grade their papers for, so I had to find a good way to pull that off. I managed it, though. By the end of the day, I was so exhausted, mentally, that I asked a friend to drive me to the train station.

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Nature: I spent 40 minutes in nature today.

Finances: I spent on $5.75 on parking and $21 on fast food.

Relationships: I chatted with Juan, his friends, and my co-workers.

Meditation: I meditated this morning.

Sleep: I slept 6 hours or so.

Exercise: I did 40 minutes of exercise today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-clutter/Clean: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I was showered today, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: I was good, but very tired and out of it. My temperament was good.

September 29, 2015

I was back to work today. This morning I chatted with Juan at our connecting station.  When I told him I was sick all weekend, he seemed concerned and talked about how he would have helped me.  It was nice to know there was someone nearby would help me, although he never came to my mind over the weekend. It was difficult to understand him. It wasn’t just that his voice is naturally quiet, but I think my ears were clogged up from being sick. I even dared to attempt to chat with some of Juan’s Spanish-speaking friends. He told his friends that I was single. I qualified it by saying I didn’t want a boyfriend right now. One of them asked if I wanted one tomorrow. We all laughed. It felt so good to laugh and I was proud of myself for getting my first joke in Spanish!

On my walk to work, I questioned whether or not I should have gone. I was breathing heavily on parts that weren’t so difficult. My difficult hill became almost impossible. I took it really slowly and managed to make it. It was a good day, as usual. My Mondays and Tuesdays usually are. I guess it’s just how my schedule is set up. By the end of the day, I was tired and worn out.

When I got home, I was tempted to eat fast food, but the fact that I was logging my weight daily on my fitbit prevented me from doing so. I didn’t do anything on my to-do list. I started to consider going to bed when Jack responded to a message I had sent him earlier. We ended up talking and I put off going to bed. I even put off going to bed after we stopped talking.

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Nature: I spent 40 minutes in nature today.

Finances: I spent on $5.75 on parking.

Relationships: I chatted with Juan and my co-workers.

Meditation: I meditated this morning.

Sleep: I slept 6 hours or so.

Exercise: I did 40 minutes of exercise today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-clutter/Clean: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I was showered today, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: I was good, but very tired and out of it. My temperament was good.

September 28, 2015

I called in sick today. I ended up waking up early anyway, but stayed in bed until about 11 or so. I must have been getting better because I felt hungry around 11am. I drove to the nearest fast food restaurant and bought something to eat.  When I got back, I was feeling well enough to attempt to work on continuing to clean and straighten up my apartment, in between the coughing fits. I got a lot done. Then I checked the mail and discovered that the ticket that I had received on April 9th had not been taken care of at the court.

I spent a while on the phone with the court.  After a lot of calls back and forth, it was determined that unless I attend traffic court before October 18, my license was going to be suspended.  I spent a little time worried about it, but then I fell asleep again.  When I woke up, I felt better and worked more on my apartment.  I straightened up my bookshelves, cleaned out my bathroom cabinets, and mopped my floor.

As I lay in bed getting ready to sleep, I wished I didn’t have to go to work the next day.  I wanted to finish perfecting my apartment and finish getting better before forcing myself to work.

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Nature: I spent no time in nature today.

Finances: I spent $15 on fast food.

Relationships: I chatted with nobody.

Meditation: I did not meditate this morning.

Sleep: I slept 10 hours or so.

Exercise: I did no exercise today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-clutter/Clean: I did both today.

Hygiene: I did not shower or brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: I alternated between good and stressed out about the possible license suspension. My temperament was good.

September 27, 2015

I felt significantly worse today.  I did not leave my bed until 3:00pm.  I finally got hungry enough to leave my apartment and pick up food.  I got nothing done and had trouble concentrating on my book.  I mostly spent my time looking around the internet, mostly at facebook.  I tried chatting with a few people, but they didn’t chat for long.  I wonder if that’s just the nature of friendships at my age or if I’m not a good enough friend to warrant that kind of chatting time.  I don’t know.  Either way, today was a day wasted on everything except getting better.  I called my principal to let her know I would likely take the next day off, then fell asleep.

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Nature: I spent no time in nature today.

Finances: I spent $25 on fast food and $30 on gas

Relationships: I chatted with people online.

Meditation: I did not meditate this morning.

Sleep: I slept 10 hours or so.

Exercise: I did no exercise today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-clutter/Clean: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I did not shower or brush my teeth today.

Mood and temperament: I was so sick that I really don’t know what I was feeling, other than feeling sick. My temperament was good.

September 26, 2015

I had initially planned to go hiking this weekend, but it was a weekend-long backpacking venture.  Since I didn’t trust my cats not to pee outside the litter box while I was gone, I decided not to go.  Since I was feeling so poorly, I was glad that I had cancelled.  I woke up feeling improved from the day before.  I wasn’t perfect, but my sore throat was gone and it wasn’t as much of a struggle to get up.

I alternated between reading and slowly getting my to-do list done.  I didn’t get as much done as I would like, but I got more done than I expected.  I called my mom to tell her that I was better than I was the day before.

I had been invited to my friend Thad’s birthday party.  I didn’t know him that well.  I went for a little while and did my best to be sociable.  I was surprised that my best was actually good!  Normally, I don’t do well in unfamiliar social situations with unfamiliar people, so I was pleased with myself.

When I got home, I did a few more things and went to sleep early.

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Nature: I spent  a few hours sitting outside today.

Finances: I spent no money today.

Relationships: I chatted with my mom, Thad, and his friends

Meditation: I did not meditate this morning.

Sleep: I slept 10 hours or so.

Exercise: I did no exercise today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-clutter/Clean: I cleaned and de-cluttered today.

Hygiene: I did not shower today and  did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: I was good, but tired and out of it. My temperament was good.