September 18, 2015

I awoke with almost as much pain as I went to bed. I did not feel like getting up. I waited almost 40 minutes to actually get up. I had to feed the cats in the same manner again this morning. Even though I just scooped the cat litter the day before, one of the cats had peed on the floor of the bathroom. I decided that there was no point in scooping the litter again today. It was all I could do to shower, dress, and leave in time.

I saw Juan who greeted me with a smile as always. As soon as I saw him, it occurred to me that perhaps he had sent the man I was talking to yesterday. Maybe he wanted to know for sure if I really didn’t have interest or maybe he was trying to set me up. I don’t know and I’m not going to ask. When we reached the connecting station, he was awake enough to talk. He invited me to his house to meet his wife! He told her about me and told her that he made a new friend (me). I didn’t have the Spanish words to say that I would like to meet her, but couldn’t today, which I think was when he was inviting me. It made me happy to know that I could be his friend and not have to worry about anything like that! I like having him as a friend. He talks about concepts more than things, which is the kind of conversation that I like. As we parted at our station because we walked in opposite directions, he wished me a good weekend and a happy birthday. I didn’t understand why, but it was apparent that I wasn’t going to be seeing him on the way home. I was planning on taking the early train after work anyway. I do wonder why, but something about hanging out with him makes me happy in the morning and look forward to a good day at work. Learning Spanish fills my head with good thoughts, mostly entertaining myself with how I would say certain things. There are times when I’m walking somewhere and I realized that I was mouthing the words!

My day was good, but it was so draining. I’m not even sure why it was draining, other than a full week with no days where I got a full night’s sleep. By the time it was over, I had absolutely no focus left to do any work after work. I packed everything that I thought I would need for my work over the weekend and walked to the station. I was very tired and tried to remain awake enough. I was afraid of sleeping through my train stop!

I got home and was surprised with a package for my birthday! My sister had sent me a present. I had asked for one dance pad for my favorite dance game (the old one had worn out) and she had bought me two. I immediately felt pangs of loneliness because I knew that nobody would be coming over to join me. I decided to do something to avoid the pangs of loneliness so I took myself out to the movies. I saw A Walk In The Woods. I had greatly enjoyed the book, being a hiker who would one day love to hike the Appalachian Trail. The movie was funny, but I was surprised that they left out some of my favorite parts like when Katz throws half of their supplies off of a cliff. It was a good movie nonetheless. When I got home, I wondered if two old guys like them could hike a significant portion of the AT (Appalachian Trail), maybe I could too. I checked my mail and discovered a card with money from my dad and step-mom and another smaller package from my other sister. It was a compass. It was like it was meant to be! Maybe it was a sign I should attempt the AT one day. I worked on my book until I fell asleep at my computer around 9:30pm.

All in all, it was a good birthday. I had students sing to me and the work kept me from brooding. I was also looking forward to tomorrow when some of my friends were having a small gathering to celebrate my birthday. It was really kind of them since Rebecca knew just how lonely I was at times.

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Nature: I spent 30 minutes walking in nature today.

Finances: I spent $5.75 on parking, $25 on the movie, and $3.50 on fast food.

Relationships: I chatted with some co-workers and Juan.

Sleep: I slept 6 hours or so.

Exercise: I walked for 30 minutes today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-clutter/Clean: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I was showered today, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood was good, but I was very tired. My temperament was good.

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September 17, 2015

I actually brushed my teeth this morning. Then I discovered that one of my new fillings had a small piece break off. I’m hoping that doesn’t mean that I’m going to have to get another root canal. I don’t have the money and wanted to catch up on my debts rather than accrue more. The morning commute was similar to always. I meditated and watched the sunrise for most of the way while everyone else slept. I exchanged a few sentences with Juan and we parted with a handshake at our stop like we did yesterday. For some reason, those few words and that parting handshake made my day start out right. Maybe just the positive human contact put me into a good enough mood. Whatever it was, I was smiling and my eyes were sparkling as I walked to work.

I had a tough day at work. Thursdays are always a tough day for me. It’s just that several of the groups that I teach have a tendency to test my limits and that gets really wearing having to deal with it all day. I stayed late to do more work. I took some of it home with me, but I did some things that I couldn’t do because the train doesn’t have internet.

On the way home, I entered the train first and chose a seat with empty seats across from it. To my surprise, Juan kept walking and didn’t sit with me today. I managed to get all of my papers graded, so that was good. Another Spanish-speaking man sat across from me and I was able to speak and understand well enough to have a limited conversation. He told me that he doesn’t speak any English and he had only been in the United States for three years, so I was able to feel good about my abilities! There was only one part that I couldn’t figure out. He said his wife is at the country he came from, but she is not coming here and he’s not going back there. It’s interesting that one of the first questions I’m asked is if I have a husband and then I’m asked if I have a boyfriend. I’m starting to think that Juan’s comments yesterday were maybe not odd after all! I told him that I did not want a boyfriend and didn’t have time for one. I also explained about my ex-husband as well as I could.

I realized after the fact that I often didn’t ask him the same questions he asked me. I wonder if it’s because I don’t care because I’m used to looking inwardly so much or because it took me a while to understand every sentence he uttered. I spent so much of my life being so self-involved, it’s a bit of a struggle to show interest in others. It’s not that I wasn’t interested in them, it’s just that I have had to keep so much attention on my emotions and focusing on keeping them in check, that I didn’t have much energy left to pay attention to others. It was more out of necessity until recently. I seem to be out of depression now long enough to pull my head out of my ass long enough to show interest in others. It’s still an upward battle. It’s not that I don’t have interest, but I need to learn how to show interest, express sympathy, and to “be there” for someone.   I know that sounds weird, but I really am not good at those sorts of things. I like to think that intent is important and so I try, but I’m unsure how often I succeed.

When I got home, I had no energy for anything. I was grateful to have nothing to do after work, but was too exhausted to do anything. I watched some tv and chatted a bit online with Jack. When I got up from the couch, my back was worse than anything it had been since maybe February or March. It hurt this morning when I woke up, but the sharp pains were back when I tried to move. I cried a tear or two because I couldn’t bend down to pick up their bowls for feeding,   Then I realized if I just took the lid off of the can of wet food and tossed it to the floor, they could just lick out the food. I still felt badly, not so much because of the pain, but because it impeded my ability to have a nice apartment and take care of my cats. I went to bed hoping that sleep would help with the pain.

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Nature: I spent 30 minutes walking in nature today.

Finances: I spent $5.75 on parking, $15.33 on cigarettes, and $11.74 on fast food.

Relationships: I chatted online with Jack and in person with some co-workers and Juan.

Sleep: I slept 6 hours or so.

Exercise: I walked for 30 minutes today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-clutter/Clean: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I showered today and I brushed my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood was good, but tired at the end of the day. My temperament was good.

September 16, 2015

I woke up before my alarm, but once it went off, I wanted to sleep a little more. It seems odd. I had a good day at work, albeit less productive than I would like. I stayed late to get more work done and, perhaps, to try and catch the same train as Juan.

We chatted on the way home again. It makes the train ride go so quickly. I began remembering more words, but I still didn’t have enough of them to accurately talk as I would like. We chatted about my ex-husband. I was able to say that I left because he didn’t give me attention, which is accurate enough and that he now lives with his girlfriend. He seemed surprised that he wouldn’t give me attention and told me that I was beautiful and he was crazy. He asked me if I had a boyfriend.   Again, I didn’t have the words, so I simply said that I didn’t want one now and that I really didn’t have the time anyway. He told me about his wife and his three kids. How he likes to make her laugh and keep her happy. I told him that it was good to keep his wife happy. Then he complimented my eyes, “As a friend,” he said. But he always said he was very happy with his wife, so I let it go. He told me if he had met me when he was young he might be my boyfriend. The red flags went up and I told him that he wouldn’t like me when I was young because I was a little crazy (loco en la cabeza). I started to get worried that he was after something other than friendship, but he always talked about his wife and how happy they were, so I hope I’m just reading too much into things.

When I got off the train, I drove to Chandra’s house. I had my dose of spirituality, but I didn’t end up even really hearing anything she said. It felt like a wasted trip. Well, I suppose it wasn’t entirely wasted because I still ended up meditating. I couldn’t stay long because I had to be home to go to sleep on time. I still didn’t end up at home on time anyway. I stayed up and perused facebook for a little while, but not as long as usual. I read Jack’s latest blog entry. One thing that struck me was how he talked about how he perpetuates his cycle of relationship because of the type of person he is apparently drawn to. I saw that I was drawn to nice guys who are a little crazy. I don’t mind a little crazy, I suppose, but the manner of the crazy that they are DOES matter. I also realized that once I was finally able to rid myself of my manipulative behaviors, that I was the one who was taken advantage of. To be fair, it took me longer than I though to to rid myself of my manipulative behaviors. So how do I not be manipulative and not get taken advantage of?

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Nature: I spent 30 minutes walking in nature today.

Finances: I spent $5.75 on parking and $9 on fast food.

Relationships: I chatted online with Jack and in person with some co-workers, Juan, and Chandra.

Sleep: I slept 6 hours or so.

Exercise: I walked for 30 minutes today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-clutter/Clean: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I was showered today, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood was good. My temperament was good.

September 15, 2015

I awoke before my alarm this morning with a long to-do list on my mind. I had neglected the care of my apartment since I started back at work and it’s really started to show. I can’t let my cats in my bedroom because it’s too messy. I’m afraid my one cat will throw up on all the clothes I have on the floor. My main room is full of cat puke that has not been cleaned, dishes that have not been washed, and recycling and garbage that needs to be taken out. The bathroom is not much better. I neglected to scoop my cat’s litter and so one of them peed on the floor. I was just about to get up early to try and attend to some of those issues when my alarm went off. For some reason when my alarm went off, I was suddenly sleepy and kept hitting the snooze button over and over. I still made it to the early train on time though, even with a quick shower.

While I waited for the connecting train, a man started a conversation with me. We talked briefly, but it was difficult to understand him, both because of his accent and the passing trains. Still, it was nice to have human contact.

I had a good day at work. I love the group of students I worked with today. At all ages, they were so respectful and seemed to have a desire to learn my subject. They didn’t have the disdain for special subjects that many students do. I had a lot of fun with them and even my older students left saying how fun the lesson was! It really gave me the motivation to try and make fun lessons for the future!

On the way home, the same man started chatting with me again. His name is Juan and he was from Ecuador and was working on his English. He offered to help me with my Spanish. My pronunciation is good, but my memory for words and grammar is not. He was very patient and I fear I learned more than he did. We talked in English and Spanish the entire train ride home. It was nice to make a friend.

Then I went over to Christine’s house. I told her I was going to lend her a book, so I brought it over. I completely forgot that she needed to return some Tupperware that I had let her borrow. We hung and chatted for about two hours before I left. When I got home, even though it was time for bed, I stayed up and cleaned my bedroom so my cats could sleep in there with me again. It was nice. I felt like I was really not spending any time with them recently and it was nice to have a clean bedroom again! It was amazing that something I had put off for that long took so little time!

I went online and saw Jack’s latest blog entry. He writes well and I really related with a lot of what he said of his ex. She did a lot of similar things that my ex did, just in different ways. Except for one. He had complained about being made to do more work around the house. I feel like I may have done that to my ex-husband. Not because I was lazy, but because my depression was at an all-time high while I was living with him, so I had no energy or desire to do any work. I wonder if it looked like I was manipulating him. I suppose it’s a moot point now. I’ll just have to remember it so I can fix it in whatever relationship I enter in to the future.

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Nature: I spent 30 minutes walking in nature today.

Finances: I spent $5.75 on parking, $30 in gas, $15 on cigarettes, and close to $30 on food.

Relationships: I chatted online with Jack and in person with Juan and Christine today.

Sleep: I slept 6 hours or so.

Exercise: I walked for 30 minutes today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-clutter/Clean: I straightened up my bedroom but did not clean.

Hygiene: I showered today, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood was good, but I was very tired. My temperament was good.

September 14, 2015

I awoke at midnight then again at 3am. Then I awoke with my alarm clock with the remnants of a dream still in my head. In it I encountered several of my exes. Then I was awakened by a guy I didn’t know well, but who wanted me to skip work to have sex with him. I looked at the clock and discovered that I was already two hours late for work. That’s when the guy told me the clock was an hour off, but I was still an hour late. I rushed to get there as soon as I could. He was annoyed that I wouldn’t skip work to be with him. I suspected he wasn’t coming back, but I didn’t care much.

All I really had time to do this morning was to make the food I had planned to make last night so I would have food for lunch. I brought extra to have for a late breakfast at work. I missed the first train. Then I got on the wrong connector train. It dropped me off one station too soon because it became an express train. When I got to that station, the train I was supposed to take was parked in the station, but didn’t realize I was supposed to take it until after it left. So I waited a while for another train, but thankfully made it to the school with maybe five minutes to spare.

My day was good. All of my students were well-behaved and many remembered a lot from last year, which was always gratifying. Even so, by the end of school, I was exhausted. I slept on the train on the way home, in stark contrast to all those who sleep in the morning, I sleep in the afternoon!

When I got home, I went straight to my room, intent on taking a nap. I checked facebook and saw that I had three messages waiting for me. One was just from someone who had sent me a friend request. Another was from Frank, who, in yesterday’s loneliness, I simply messaged with a “hey”. Seeing as the last time we spoke was when I messaged him last about two weeks ago, I didn’t expect much of a reply. Not only has he picked up hiking, but he has started to collect the gear for backpacking too! We chatted entirely about backpacking gear until I mentioned possibly getting together to backpack. Then he didn’t respond.

The last facebook message was from Jack. Because he and his girlfriend broke up and I knew he was having a hard time, I usually make sure to ask him how he’s doing every few days. Usually he doesn’t respond much. Today was different. He started a blog about his healing process and asked me to read it. I guess the contents surprised me so much that I really didn’t realize how well it was written until I perused it again later. He had a really shit time with his ex and I found myself empathizing with him a lot. After considering it, I decided to tell him about this blog. That brings the friends of mine who know about it up to two. He kept complimenting how well-written it was! It made me feel good about it, especially since after writing for 9 months I only really have about 20 followers. We talked a lot. While I knew his ex-girlfriend was a bitch, the depths of her assholity still astounded me. I still maintain that it’s good for him to be rid of her, despite the fact that he will have a lot of recovering to do. The conversation turned to waning sex lives, me with my ex-husband, him with his ex-girlfriend and the topic turned to sex. I was a little reluctant to chat about it. While I have absolutely no qualms talking about sex with friends, I have found that sometimes male friends assume that when you talk to them about sex that it means you want to have sex with them. But I figured he was still so wounded that it shouldn’t be a problem. If it is, I’ll address it when it comes up. I did enjoy talking with him. It gave me hope that this little blog might not be for naught.

Just when I was about to go to bed, my friend Greg messaged me. Greg and I had met in college and were friends on and off ever since. He and his wife had broken up for a few years now and he’s been interested in me. I don’t have interest in him, but still want to remain friends. At a time when I was seriously looking for someone, I wondered why I had no interest in him. I couldn’t figure it out for a long time, until today. There is absolutely no joy in his life. There’s nothing that he loves. He makes snarky comments about everyone and everything, but I think he actually means everything he says. His is a sad existence where intelligence and snarky comments are the only life forms. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t date a guy without intelligence and am often amused by snarky comments, but when that’s his whole life. I couldn’t imagine living like that or with someone like that (again).

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Nature: I spent 30 minutes walking in nature today.

Finances: I spent $5.75 on parking and $1 on cookies.

Relationships: I chatted online with Frank, Jack, and Greg and in person with one of the custodians.

Sleep: I slept 7 hours or so.

Exercise: I walked for 30 minutes today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-clutter/Clean: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I did not shower or brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood was good, but I was very tired. My temperament was good.

September 13, 2015

I had to be up early today. A friend of mine had convinced me to take a trail maintenance class to see what I’d have to do if I actually chose to maintain a trail. It turned out that I learned more than I thought with that trail crew. The main thing I learned was to what extent I would take care of the trail and what I have to report to my supervisor to have someone else take care of. There were two guys there. One I had gone to high school with his older brother (and had a huge crush on him the entire time I was there, but I didn’t mention that). The other one seemed a bit older than me. I immediately found myself back in my old ways and started thinking which one I would want if I could have both and fancied that the older one liked me because he kept looking at me. As such, I was disappointed when we left and neither had asked for my contact information. That’s what I get for going back to my old ways and expecting things!

When I got home I again felt lonely because my expectations weren’t met. I unfriended a few people on Facebook who I no longer considered friends, including my ex-husband. When I get the money together for a divorce I know how to find him. I wasted at least 3 hours on there. I didn’t even get to bed on time because of it. I stayed up later than I intended and went to bed too late to get a full night’s sleep.

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Nature: I did not spend time in nature today.

Finances: I spent $10 on gas, $5 on tolls, and $6 on groceries.

Socialize: I spent time with people taking the class.

Sleep: I slept for 7.5 hours.

Meditate: I did not meditate today.

Exercise: I did not exercise today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

Clean/de-clutter: I did nothing

Hygiene: I did neither today

Mood and temperament: My mood was decent, but went downhill nearer the end of the day.  My temperament was good.

September 12, 2015

I was very tired. Even though I “slept in” until 7:30, I still woke up feeling exhausted. I was volunteered to organize a trail running event and today was the day. I was very nervous because there’s a lot of rules and regulations for organizing that sort of thing and I was afraid that there was something that I didn’t take into consideration. I had a small turnout, but everything went well. The only thing that happened that I was not prepared for was having to be the one to announce the winners and hand out the prizes. There were mostly acquaintances of mine there. However, I found myself alone nearer to the end of the day when my responsibilities were waning. It seemed like everybody there had come there with a significant other. A few of them made small talk, but that was about it.

There was a group dinner planned and I had even already paid into it, so I didn’t have to worry about money. However, I was so tired that I just went home. My plan was to take a nap, but I started feeling lonely considering I was surrounded by acquaintances all day and really didn’t end up hanging out with anybody. I think feeling alone in a crowd is worse than feeling it when you are alone.

I checked my messages on my phone and saw that my mom and Rebecca had both called. My mom just wanted to know how I was.  Rebecca has been trying to get me to attend a spiritual retreat that costs a significant amount of money.  She asked me for all of my information and applied for a scholarship for me.  She asked how I was doing and I told her I was purposely trying not to date.  I told her it had gone well for a few weeks, but that even though I really don’t have the time to date anyone, I’m still lonely.  I wasn’t sure if it was just the lack of friends or the lack of someone to wake up next to.  She listened, but when I asked how she was, she gave a few generic sentences and told me she should get going to cook dinner.  The feeling of loneliness pervaded after I so I went on facebook to “alleviate” my suffering.  It didn’t work.  It just made me go to bed later than I wanted to.

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Nature: I spent most of the day outdoors.

Finances: I spent $9 on fast food.

Socialize: I spent time with acquaintances and talked to my mom and Rebecca on the phone.

Sleep: I slept for 7.5 hours.

Meditate: I did not meditate today.

Exercise: I walked around a lot today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

Clean/de-clutter: I did neither today

Hygiene: I did neither today.

Mood and temperament: My mood fluctuated a lot.  I was overtired and therefore overemotional.  Somethings small didn’t go as planned, so I found myself on the verge of tears a few times.  The mood did improve as the day went on. My temperament was good.

September 11, 2015

I awoke a few times before my alarm clock. Every time I stretched, my back complained. I wondered if it was the donuts or the fast food I ate. I couldn’t figure out what else would cause it, since it had just rained.

Instead of instantly getting up and making my breakfast, I stayed in my room and distracted myself with the internet. I watched a video about how preoccupied young girls are with how they look. It took a look at the fact that so many young teenagers were posting videos to youtube to ask the world if they were pretty and some of the comments trolls were posting on them. It talked about how girls that perceive themselves as ugly did poorer in academics. It told a story of a woman who worked in corporate America, who had put together an awesome presentation, but all her boss did was comment on how nice she looked that day. It talked about how young girls are bombarded with images of sized 0 models and airbrushed magazines, who couldn’t tell the difference between real and re-touched photographs of women. Of girls whose self-esteem rides on how many likes they get. In a time where what their peers think is so important to them the images and feedback they receive is telling them that they are not good enough. I felt sad for girls and women who do not feel that they are good enough. But the problem seems so large! How does one combat the images of Hollywood, the media, magazines, the internet, plus a world that has been trained to believe that a woman’s worth lies in her looks?

Then I thought about Frank who still hasn’t messaged me yet. I thought about all of the guys in the past year who had interest in me, but changed their minds. None of them really talked to me afterwards, except my ex-boyfriend who dumped me on New Years Day. Were they all just interested in my looks? One would think if they liked me for my mind that they would still talk to me. I started to get angry. Maybe they’re just not as evolved as me. Sure, looks are what draws me in, but personality can make a man more or less attractive to me than they originally were. I had never looked twice at Frank during the years I have known him until I actually got to know him. But clearly it was all about my looks for him.

Now I have talked about my looks a lot today, so I suppose I should address them. I am still about 50lbs overweight. I have a pretty face and nice eyes. Unlike most teenagers, I never gave my looks much thought as a child. I was rail-thin as a child and only put on some weight when I hit puberty. I grew hips and a chest around the typical age. I never thought about my looks at all until one day my mother told me I should do a few more sit-ups before wearing that out of the house. I changed my clothes and started paying attention to how my stomach looked. I compared it with hers, which was much larger. As an adult, I can see my mentally-unstable mother projecting her insecurities on to me. As a child, I thought there was something wrong with my stomach. After that, I stopped wearing bikinis and always took pains to keep it covered. Even so, unless I was swimming somewhere or wearing a skin-tight top, I never really thought about my looks. I had grown into an hour-glass shape that would have been very pleasing in the 1950s or ‘60s. In an age where thin was in, I realized that I didn’t look like them, but it didn’t affect me much. It’s entirely possible that I was too depressed to notice. By the time I was 13 years old, I started self-harming. I knew, instinctively that something wasn’t right, that I wasn’t like everyone else, but I had no idea why. By 14 I had started fooling around with boys. By 15 I was using marijuana recreationally. At 17 I started seeing a counselor the county installed at the school. I went there about once a week during my lunch and told her everything. I told her I cut myself, I told her I smoked weed, I talked about boys constantly, and about how I didn’t like how my stomach looked. By the end of the year, I asked her if she knew what was wrong with me, because I knew something was wrong with me. After giving me the whole spiel about how she wasn’t a psychiatrist, she thought I was anorexic. That was laughable. I couldn’t adhere to a “diet”, much less go without eating. I wonder now if my depression had actually kept me from noticing societal cues telling me to hate my body.

For years, the only issue I had with my body was my stomach. In my senior year of college I went shopping for a dress for a dance with one of my few female friends. I found a dress that I LOVED and despite the fact that it was mostly made of velvety spandex, it made my stomach look good. She told me what large hips I had.   I looked in the mirror and realized it was true. My hips were significantly larger than the rest of me. Then I thought about it. Never in my life had I ever heard anything in any media form stating that big hips were bad. Big stomachs, yes. Big thighs, yes. Big butts, there seemed to be a debate. But never anything about big hips. I had decided that big hips were okay. Later in life, I have had guys commented on how they liked my big hips and the contrast of my smaller waist. How many years later, I still don’t like my stomach, but it has never become a preoccupation for me.

That’s it! I always had something else in my life that was more important than how I looked. It might have been my depression or my books (I loved to read as a child). It might have been my art or my music. I never had many friends growing up, but I wondered if I did would it have helped or hindered me. Well, I guess there’s no way to know!

I also checked my bank account balance online. I had a negative balance. I had accrued $105 in “negative balance fees” over about $80 in purchases. Wtf!? So I don’t have any money, so the bank is going to charge me more money!? Who says there isn’t such a thing as a “poverty tax”!? So now, instead of catching up on my bills when I get paid again, which have fallen sadly behind, I will have to pay the $-185 instead of just the $80 I spent by accident. Seriously, if anyone knows of a bank that doesn’t charge a “negative balance fee”, they will have my business. If I had any money, I’d start one. Big businesses seem to no longer even care about the consumer, but seem to try to get as much money as they can get away with. It’s sad. It’s sick. If someone eats as much food as they possibly could every time they sat down, people would say there’s something wrong with them. If people hoard their possessions, people would say something’s wrong with them. But hoarding money is not only considered acceptable, but smart; prudent even.

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Nature: I spent a total of 30 minutes in nature walking to and from work.

Finances: I spent $5.75 on parking and $15 on fast food.

Socialize: I spent time with co-workers.

Sleep: I slept for 4.5 hours.

Meditate: I did not meditate today.

Exercise: I walked for 30 minutes today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

Clean/de-clutter: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I was showered, but did not brush my teeth today.

Mood and temperament: My mood was decent, but I was increasingly tired throughout the day.  My temperament was good.

September 10, 2015

Today my alarm clock felt like it scared me out of sleep. I again hit the snooze button several times. It had been so hot and sticky the past few days that not showering wasn’t an option. I needed to smell decently for my job. I showered, made myself a quick breakfast, and left for the train station. It was raining when I arrived, but luckily I brought my umbrella.

Today was my first day of classes and I had mostly my older students. I like teaching older students because I can go over more advanced concepts. However, they’re at that age where they push the boundries of the rules. I assigned a detention in each class. Once each class saw one student get detention, they were very well behaved. It seemed like as soon as they figured out where my limits were at, they were fine. It was still a stressful day, but I can’t figure out quite why. Maybe it’s because I’m so tired. Maybe because I broke my diet and ate four donuts that someone had left in the teachers room.

As I made my way back home, I discovered that my thighs were really starting to hurt. Because I had worn skirts the past two days, it was really humid outside, and I had done a fair amount of walking, my thighs rubbed together and I got “runner’s rash”, It was really starting to be painful, so I resolved to wear pants tomorrow. I preferred wearing skirts. They were more flattering and I walked in a more feminine way. I know that sounds strange, but there are certain ways one is expected to look and walk as a teacher and my “no-nonsense, masculine” stride that I adopt when I wear pants is apparently “un-teacher-like”. When I got home, I perused facebook for a little while and an event happened that caused me to realize that I was not out of the woods yet as far as my interest in guys and dating was concerned. I still managed to get to sleep before 8pm, which was the time I would need to sleep if I wanted to get 8 hours.

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Nature: I spent a total of 30 minutes in nature walking to and from work.

Finances: I spent $5.75 on parking and $9 on fast food.

Socialize: I spent time with co-workers.

Sleep: I slept for 7.5 hours.

Meditate: I meditated today.

Exercise: I walked for 30 minutes today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

Clean/de-clutter: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I showered, but did not brush my teeth today.

Mood and temperament: My mood was decent, even though I got stressed with work today.  My temperament was good.

September 9, 2015

Today was my first day of work. I knew I hadn’t gotten enough sleep and hit the snooze bar several times. I had to skip breakfast, but I still managed to get to the train station on time. Today was the first day with students, but they were to stay with their homeroom teachers, so I decided to use the time as well as I could and get as much as I could accomplished. I also spent a little time on facebook. A friend of mine posted a meme that said “8 hours for work, 8 hours for sleep, and 8 hours for what you will. I thought about that. I work for almost exactly 8 hours. The school day is shorter, but I arrive early. I try to sleep for 8 hours. What do I spend the other 8 hours doing? I realized I have 3 hours of commute time, which can be spent doing any activity that I can accomplish sitting on a train. I usually spend 40 minutes in the morning meditating and the rest of my morning commute working on typing up the previous day for my blog. The afternoon commute is usually spent working on my to-do list, either for home or for work. I also spend 0.5 hours walking to and from work, but I count this as exercise and time spent in nature. I have 1.5 hours in the morning (if I get out of bed immediately). I spend that time showering, cleaning the cat’s litter, making breakfast, doing dishes, packing my bags and otherwise preparing for the day. That leaves approximately 3 hours after I get home before I’m supposed to go to sleep. This is the most underutilized portion of my day. Usually I’m too exhausted to do anything. Sometimes I don’t even eat dinner, I just stare at the tv or the computer screen until it’s time for bed.

Speaking of exhausted, my afternoon was filled with yet another professional development lecture. When I arrived, I found that most of the seats were full. I asked one teacher who had an empty seat next to her and she said someone was sitting there. I asked another teacher who said she was saving that seat for someone. Saving the seat? What was she, 13? And even if she was, by the time she gets to be an adult, she should at least have the tact to just say someone else was sitting there. I ended up in a seat next to my principal. After sitting through the first hour, I started to nod off. I don’t think it was perceptible, but I got up, went to the bathroom, got a drink, and tried to wake myself up again. It just didn’t look good to have me falling asleep during these things. It’s unprofessional.

On the way home, I was struck by two thoughts:

  1. There are many good looking guys out there. On the train, there have been several times where I saw a guy and said to myself, “I’d hit that!” I also finally understood the phrase “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. There are plenty of good-looking guys out there. I wondered how many guys there were who were good-looking on the inside.
  2. I also understood how much people isolated themselves on the commuter train that I take. I wondered why. Many sleep in the morning. In the afternoon they involve themselves with their headphones or their smartphone. I wondered if they were afraid of strangers or content solely with those they already knew.

When I got back, I went to Chandra’s house. As I tried to meditate, all I could think of was the married friend of mine. Just thinking of him made me horny just like it did yesterday. I do not like him in the sense that I want to date him. I also questioned the validity of his claim that he had his wife’s permission. I have two choices: 1. Tell him I do not want to sleep with him anymore. 2. Open up to him enough to teach him how to please me. But the possibilities exists that if I open up, I could care and/or get hurt. I stayed at Chandra’s house late because I told her I would help her type out a mass e-mail since I can type so quickly and I wasn’t going to see her again until Monday. It’s not that I minded helping her with it, but I minded getting home late. When I got home, I went straight to bed.

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Nature: I spent a total of 30 minutes in nature walking to and from work.

Finances: I spent $5.75 for parking.

Socialize: I spent time with co-workers.

Sleep: I slept for 6 hours.

Meditate: I meditated today.

Exercise: I walked for 30 minutes today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today. There was too much tasty free food given out at the professional development thing.

Clean/de-clutter: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I was showered, but did not brush my teeth today.

Mood and temperament: My mood was decent, even though I got tired very quickly in the afternoon again. My temperament was good.