June 24, 2015

I had to go into work today to take care of a number of things, so I was there for a few hours.  This should be my last day though!  I went to some local places and got some boxes.  I packed some more of my books.  Then I took a break and started searching for a place that I could do a rent-to-own.  I called one place that advertised rent-to-own homes.  First thing I found out is that rent-to-own is not what I thought.  I was under the impression that you rented the home, paid more in rent, and that extra would be put towards the purchase of the home.  Apparently, the idea is that I would rent it and then after a year I would just buy it.  I was not interested in that.  I have moved too many times to be dumb enough to buy a house after just two years a t my current school.  I also found out that my credit score is too low.  It’s 553.  That’s in the bottom 5%.  I know exactly why it is.  When I had to pay to get my car road-worthy and then pay off all of those tickets, I had to wait to pay some bills.  Well, those bills went to collections and brought my credit score down.

So, I just gave up and tried to find a nice rental in my price range, hopefully with the option of having a garden.  I looked on Craigslist and there was nothing within an hour commute in my price range.  I looked in area newspapers and there was nothing within an hour commute in my price range.  So finally, I just googled what I was looking for and found a place.  I called the owner and he was willing to show it to me that night.  When telling him what time I would meet him at, I had accounted for rush-hour traffic.  However, I got through it relatively quickly and ended up there very early.  It was a small parking area and there was a pick-up truck parked there with a man in it.  I asked him if it was him I had talked to.  He said no, but he also had an apartment for rent!  So I took his phone number and made plans to see his place afterwards.

The first apartment I looked at was half of a cottage, converted for winter use.  The set-up and appliances were old (circa 1950s), but worked fine.  The fridge was newer and the floors were wood.  It had a front porch and two tiny bedrooms.  I thought I had been in tiny bedrooms before, but the larger one would barely fit my full sized bed and the smaller one would barely fit a twin bed and a small dresser. Each bedroom had a closet and there was another closet on the enclosed porch.  There was also a dingy crawlspace underneath the cottage that I could also use for storage.  I would have full run of the grounds including some hiking paths, a brook, and a lake to fish in.  And there was a nice south-east plot maybe 10′ x 10′ that I could use for a garden!  It was $900 a month plus utilities.

Then I met the second man to see his apartment. It was on the bottom floor of a house in suburbia.  The interior was modern with tiled floors and newer appliances.   While everything was new and clean, the drip trays in the stove were disgusting,  The closets had mirrored doors.  The bathroom was bigger and had a bathtub.  There was only one bedroom, but it was larger.  The baseboard heaters completely encircled the living area.  There was a nice patio that the apartment opened on to, but I was told that the upstairs tenant was the one allowed to use it.  I was also offered a space for a garden, but there was so much tree cover, that the plants would never get any sun.  The driveway was a steep hill, so I worried about driving on it in the winter.  It was $900 a month utilities included.

My whole way home, I weighed the options.  They both had their advantages.  I liked the interior of the second place.   And it had a bathtub.  And utilities were included.  And I didn’t have to fill out a rental application.   But the first place was in a nicer area.  It had a porch, a brook, a lake, and some wooded paths. There was more storage space. And I had some interesting ideas about what I could do with that second bedroom.

When I got home, it was late.   I chatted briefly with Oliver who helped me weigh the options further.  I finally decided to put in the application for the first place I looked at.  Then I went to bed.

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Meditation: I meditated today.

Sleep: I slept 4 hours last night.

Exercise:  I walked for maybe 15 minutes.

Diet: I followed my diet, except for dinner.  I left so quickly to look at the apartments that I didn’t eat before I left.  I ended up having iced cream for dinner

De-cluttering and cleaning:  I did neither.

Hygiene:  I showered today.

Mood and temperament:  My mood was good, but I found myself fighting off laziness a lot today. My temperament was good.

June 23, 2015

My morning meditation did not go well today.  I could not focus, so what usually takes me 40 minutes took me an hour.  I also felt a heaviness in my chest, mostly on the left side, but partially on the right.  Even though I woke up on my own, which means I must have slept enough, I found it more difficult to get things completed today.  When I weighed myself, I had lost 2 more pounds.  I couldn’t get excited about this fact for some reason.  Maybe it’s because I have so much further to go!

My schedule got messed up because I had to stop by work and complete some paperwork. By the time I got to my workout, it was noon, sunny, over 90 degrees, and humid.  And I had decided that today I was going to start running.  After a warm-up walk, I ran as fast as I could for as long as I could.  It wasn’t long.  I had a few brief spurts of running, then I felt that same heaviness in my chest that I felt this morning in my meditation.  I contemplated giving up, wondering if there was a real problem.  I decided to walk until it went away and it did, but it came back every time I ran.

I think I may have overdone it with my run in those conditions.  When I got back, I was hot, sticky, and completely unmotivated.  I ate something and spent some time online.  Then I fell asleep for two hours!  When I awoke I was significantly more depressed and less motivated.  Things went downhill from there.  I messaged Oliver and told him I was depressed.  I explained how I see things negatively using an example of a friend I had chatted with that day.  He suggested that I might have paranoia.  I looked online for symptoms, but concluded that since I am capable of trusting people and I don’t think people are out to get me, I’m not paranoid.

I didn’t hear back from him and was afraid my mental illness scared him off.  It wouldn’t be the first time someone got scared off by it.  So I gave him some time and ordered food.  After I ate, I felt so much better!  I started to wonder if the depression was caused by a nutrient deficiency.  If so, I couldn’t figure out what it could be based on the meal.   It had tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, chicken, rice noodles and a cilantro sauce.  To drink I had a mixture of lemon juice, grapefruit juice, lime juice, ginger, with agave syrup and a mint leaf.  With so many good-for-me things, I had no idea which one was the key to making me feel better.

I chatted a bit with Kevin and then decided to call Oliver to get it over with.  Surprisingly, things were fine!  I decided not to mention it and neither did he.  He was having his own problems with his landlord.  I complained about mine.  The water in my kitchen sink wasn’t working today.  We both couldn’t wait to get out of our current living situations.  I told him all about the state where I live with the hiking and camping.  I told him about the beautiful mountains and which ones I climbed.  I guess my descriptions were favorable because he said, jokingly (I think), that he wanted to move here.  So I jokingly asked if he wanted a roommate.  We launched into a conversation of ideal living situations and what they would be. Hypothetically, of course.

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Meditation: I meditated today.

Sleep: I slept 7 hours last night.

Exercise:  I walked and ran.

Diet: I followed my diet, except for dinner.  I had some rice noodles and sugar.

De-cluttering and cleaning:  I did both today.

Hygiene:  I brushed my teeth today.

Mood and temperament:  I became increasingly depressed throughout the day until I talked to Oliver, then it improved. My temperament was good.

June 22, 2015

When I woke up and weighed myself, I discovered that I had lost 3lbs!  Today was my first official day of summer vacation.  I usually have trouble with depression when I’m not working so I made up a schedule for myself.  It consisted of all of the things I wanted to accomplish over the summer a little at a time.  I actually completed everything!  It was weird because as soon as 5:00 hit, my mood seriously slumped.  Thankfully the only thing I had left to do was write, so I did.

Depression is an amazing thing.  As soon as it hits, my brain immediately takes everything that is good in my life and begins to question it.  Really, there’s nothing good in my life right now except for Oliver, so it started to question that.  He didn’t call me last night.  Never mind that I fell asleep early last night and probably would have slept through his phone call anyway, but the fact that he didn’t call bothered me.  Then even though I facebook messaged him a few times, he saw what I wrote but didn’t respond until much later in the day.   I also made the mistake of telling him about my insecurities, which is probably the worst thing I could have done.  One of Bryan’s criticisms was that I was too insecure.  That probably didn’t help with my insecurity issues.

Later on, Oliver called me.  We had a good discussion of tv shows and movies that we both liked.  However, he made it sound like he was also entertaining options with other women.  Then he kind of qualified it by saying that he was only asked out by one and turned her down for a very good reason.  Then my logic came to my rescue.  I thought about how he spends almost every evening talking on the phone with me after he gets off of work, not anyone else.  So maybe there is nothing to it.  I wish I had some certainty with him.  I understand that we have never met, but I wish I knew if he was actually serious about me, assuming the meeting goes well.  Maybe I should still put myself out there and talk to other guys.  That way I won’t be so disappointed if things with Oliver don’t work out.  It just seems like we were meant for each other.  Maybe that’s an extremely naive view of it.  Maybe there’s no room for a hopeless romantic in today’s world.  Maybe I’m just getting my hopes up too much.  Maybe I need to stop assuming that things will go well with a guy.  How do I do that though?  How do I stop how my brain thinks?  I’ve been trying to do that for years to combat the downward spiral my brain thinks me into when I’m experiencing depression.

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Meditation: I meditated today.

Sleep: I slept 10 hours last night.

Exercise:  I did strength exercises.

Diet: I followed my diet, even though I was craving sugar like crazy!

De-cluttering and cleaning:  I did both today.

Hygiene:  I showered and brushed my teeth today.

Mood and temperament:  My mood was calm, good even, until depression hit at 5:00pm. My temperament was good.

June 21, 2015

I woke up early and drove Kevin home.  Then I continued on to the Clearwater Festival.  I wasn’t sure exactly what it was or how excited I should have been to get in for free.  The tickets cost over $80 per day!  It was originally started as a fundraiser by Pete Seeger to clean up the Hudson River.  Now it seems to be a large music festival with many stages all over the place.  I got in because I was asked to help out at an activist booth of a cause I believe in.  I really had no interest in wandering around listening to music or pushing my way through crowds of hippies or people that wanted to be hippies.  Our booth was placed near one of the stages so I got to hear some music without having to deal with crowds.  We had a fair number of people come into our booth asking questions.  I tried to answer them as well as I could and promote our cause, but I was not meant for verbal communication.   I am better with behind-the-scenes organization and writing.  But I suppose it gave me the opportunity to spend some time outside my comfort zone.  After my shift was over, I really didn’t even wander around.  I just left and went home.

I was very proud of myself because even though I just wanted to sleep when I got home, I went outside for a walk.  I was even more pleased with my timing.  I was maybe done with my walk for about 10 minutes when the skies opened up and it started raining.  I also took a shower afterwards because I found a tick on my neck as I left the festival.  It hadn’t lodged itself in my skin yet, but I figured a shower was the best way to avoid having one cling to me.  I did a tick-check, but there are just some places I can’t check by myself.  I was really tired and tried unsuccessfully to nap.  I finished the fictional book that I was reading.  I browsed facebook for a while.  Eventually, I got to sleep around 9:00pm.  I guess it wasn’t much of a nap because I slept straight through until the morning!

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Meditation: I meditated today.

Sleep: I slept 3.5 hours last night.

Exercise:  I walked for about 30 minutes.

Diet: I mostly followed my diet.  I consumed a lot of things with sugar in it, though and I’m not supposed to have sugar.

De-cluttering and cleaning:  I did neither today.

Hygiene:  I showered and brushed my teeth today.

Mood and temperament:  My mood was calm, despite the fact that I really wasn’t comfortable at the Clearwater Festival selling my cause.

June 20, 2015

I woke up around 8:00am and Kevin was already awake and trying to be quiet.  We sat and watched movies for a few hours while I did some laundry.  Then we took a field trip to a book store.  I spent entirely too much money there.  I hope my purchases will prove to be what they claimed to be.  I bought three books about how to write and publish a book.  They were all different takes on it.  One was about how to blog a book.  Another was about writing non-fiction.  The last was about writing and publishing fiction.  With all three of those combined, I’m hoping to learn everything that I need to know.  I also bought a book about the hiking trails in this county.  I hope to start hiking more often as exercise.

When we got done with the library, we went out to eat at a pub.  I was craving a bacon cheeseburger with sweet potato fries.  Because it was a pub, I had some alcohol with the fries.  Then I had another glass with the burger.  Then I had another glass with dessert.  By the time we walked back to my place, I was good and drunk and trying not to show it.  We put in another movie and I fell asleep.  I slept through the whole movie.  I was thankful.  I slept through my drunkenness and the painful feeling in my stomach because I had eaten way too much.

Not long after I woke up, Oliver called.  Tonight we mostly had theological discussions about what books and authors we liked.  We also agreed on what we considered “doing things right” in our religion.  We had a debate about white privilege.  I did well playing the “devil’s advocate”, but forgot and switched sides at the end so we were both arguing the same point!  We both had to get up early in the morning, so we hung up after talking for about an hour.

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Meditation: I meditated today.

Sleep: I slept 7 hours last night.

Exercise:  None

Diet: I barely followed my diet.  It didn’t help that I had a small breakfast and waited to eat lunch so then I pigged out on foods I shouldn’t have.

De-cluttering and cleaning:  I did not de-clutter or clean.

Hygiene:  I showered but did not brush my teeth today.

Mood and temperament:  My mood was good today.  It was more calm than happy, but I’m okay with that!

June 19, 2015

I had a half day of work today.  I also got paid for a side project so I was very pleased about that.  I had planned to drive to pick up Kevin for the weekend.  I had to pick up something near where he lived anyway.  I also deposited my check and had an inner debate on how much of my money should be spent on bills, re-paying debts, etc., how much should be spent on items that I want/need, and how much I should save for a house down-payment or a possible emergency.  It was almost $6,000, so it was a decent amount, but not enough to do everything I want to.  I felt celebratory for all of five minutes.

It didn’t take long after I picked Kevin up, that I realized that I was remarkably irritable.  Everything he did pissed me off.  I went for a walk with him and ate something, so that helped a bit.  Because my place is so small, there was no place for me to talk on the phone in private, so I took a walk.  I talked to Oliver for a good hour.  I’m really starting to like him.  I’m trying not to get my hopes up about him, but I can’t help it.  He really seems to be everything I wanted in a guy.  He wants to be a father almost as badly as I want to be a mother!  We both want to work to grow our own food and live as sustainably as possible.  We both believe in the same things, religion-wise.  We both are working to improve our health with diet and exercise, though he’s doing better than I am.  We are both working to improve our spirit with meditation, though I’m doing better than he is.  He even mentioned that if we hit it off like he thinks we might, he’s going to see me all the time.  He didn’t say he wanted to move in right away, but it was definitely hinted at.  And I’m oddly okay with that.  It’s not just because I could use the help with the bills, because I’m lonely, or because I would like someone to share the chores.  All of those things are true.  If he is who and what he seems to be, I would rather be with him than be apart.  Again, I’m getting ahead of myself.  I need to stop with the expectations and “what-ifs”.

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Meditation: I meditated today.

Sleep: I slept 5 hours last night.

Exercise:  None

Diet: I barely followed my diet.  It didn’t help that I had a small breakfast and waited to eat lunch.  I started getting ravenous around 3pm and just got the nearest food, which turned out to be pizza.

De-cluttering and cleaning:  I de-cluttered this evening.

Hygiene:  I showered but did not brush my teeth today.

Mood and temperament:  My mood was good today, but I experienced a ton of irritability later in the night.  I was ready to smack Kevin for no apparent reason.

June 18, 2015

Things are nearing the end of my school year.  As such I am hoping that I will be able to blog on a daily basis again.  I am looking forward to all the free time I will have to spend on the various projects that I have going on in my life.  Maybe it’s sad, but I created a schedule for my days off.  I have so much I want to do this summer.  I want to finish some craft projects.  I want to pack up my things to move.  I want to find a place to move and move there.  I want to eat right and exercise.  I want to work on writing my book.  I want to visit my friends and family.  I just hope I can accomplish all that I want to accomplish.

I talked to Oliver again tonight.  It’s funny but every few days I seem to get worried about things with him.  This time I realized he seems too good to be true.  Then I realized that every time I mentioned something, he is usually the one who gets excited because it’s something that we both have in common.  Maybe he truly shares those things, but I started to worry that he was just faking it for some weird reason.  I asked him about it and he was very convincing.  He sounded so surprised that I said he sounded too good to be true that I left it at that.  Why do I go through this every time I meet a guy?  Why can’t I just let “good enough” alone?

I also started noticing that all of the things I had hoped to improve each month is starting to become a long list.  I had initially hoped that I would take each month and each thing would become a habit.  I thought that I wouldn’t have to work to do everything each month.  Now I wonder if it’s going to overwhelm me by December.  There’s only one way to find out!

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Meditation: I meditated today.

Sleep: I slept 5 hours tonight.

Exercise:  None

Diet: I followed my diet somewhat.  There were just too many sweet things at work to eat.  And I ate a lot of them.

De-cluttering and cleaning:  I cleaned and de-cluttered a lot this evening.

Hygiene:  I was not showered or brushed my teeth today.

Mood and temperament:  My mood was good today.

June 12-17, 2015

June 12 –
I ran a bunch of errands today so I found myself driving a lot.  One of the things I always disliked about where I lived was how people drive (and park) around here. If anyone lingers at a green light for more than a second or two, they honk their horn at them.  They double park, which negatively affects traffic patterns, just so they don’t have to walk from an actual parking spot which is further away.  Some people drive aggressively just to be a few car-lengths ahead and put other people in danger.  It’s the sort of thing that cause many people to get road rage or at least negative emotions as a result of driving.  Today I was able to keep a sense of peace while driving, even when people cut me off or honked at me when I didn’t notice that the light had turned green.  I have heard that being “enlightened” (not that I am enlightened) means that you are not necessarily a pushover, but the question is, to what lengths do I go?  Do I continue to not allow a car who is trying to merge into traffic in front of me after passing everybody on the right in a long line of cars?  Is that standing up for myself?  Is that living in my ego because I need to be “right” by not allowing them to cut in front of me?  I find myself asking more and more abstract questions like this recently.

I think that I mentioned that I had recently put my picture up on that dating facebook group and got a lot of attention from it.  I also had a renewal of attention from a few guys I had previously talked to.  One was named Oliver and the other was named Raymond.  Both were talking about wanting to meet me, although Oliver lives many states away.  He actually lives in the same city as my dad, which was a strange coincidence.  Raymond lives only a few hours away in the same state, not far from where one of my sisters live.  I like Oliver better because he has interesting things to talk about whereas  Raymond just likes telling me how beautiful I am and how he wants to meet me.  While many women would be flattered by being called beautiful, I like guys who have something interesting to say much better.  Not that I expect anything to happen with either guy.  At this point I have given up looking for anyone and will just do the best I can in my life.  While I sincerely hope someone good comes along for me at some point, I’m going to fulfill as many of my dreams as I can in the meantime.

June 13 –
I started the day very well.  I meditated and felt very content for the majority of the day.  I got to my moms house for her birthday and was talking with my two sisters.  They’re 33 and 31.  They’re both married.  One has an adorable son.  They were both talking about having kids.  One was talking about buying a house.  I was coping well with all of this conversation until one of them mentioned that at 35 the odds go down of you having kids.  That’s how old I am now.  I found myself fighting back tears, so I excused myself to go to the bathroom and tried to maintain my composure.  When I went in, I saw that Oliver had messaged me, I immediately vented to him about my worries and told him I was depressed.  Usually I guard my tongue about things like depression and being upset about not having kids around guys when I first start talking to guys, but I was so upset that I really didn’t censor my words like I normally would.  Usually talking like that makes a guy run the other way.  Surprisingly, he not only understood, but commiserated.  He too, wanted to have kids and was starting to get concerned that he never would either.  It meant a lot to have someone with the same goals reassuring me and I was able to calm down relatively quickly.

The rest of the evening went well.  After dinner we played a card game.  My one sister is very competitive and can be both a very bad loser and a very bad winner.  I was able to hold my tongue when she won the first game, even though she was very rude about winning.  I even didn’t really fault her that much because I usually do win and she usually gets angry about that.  I did win the next game and she was remarkably well-behaved about that.  I think that while I’m still working on it, my meditation and work on inner peace is working.

That night after everyone went to bed, I chatted some more with Oliver and he wanted to talk on the phone.  We talked for hours!  We talked until my cell phone battery died and I ended up hanging up on him!  But still, we had some great conversations!

June 14 –
The sister with the son had to leave, but my other sister stayed and we went hiking.  We went about a mile out of the five that we had planned to hike when my sister got her foot caught in between two rocks.  It was caught so badly that we had to help her take all the weight off of the leg before we could take her foot out of the rock.  Thankfully, I had packed something to clean and cover her cuts with.  Unfortunately, we were unable to continue our hike because we were so bruised.  She suggested that she sit and wait while we continue the hike, but we refused.  We were able to get her back to the car.  I was not terribly disappointed about getting to finish the hike, even though I had been looking forward to it and we paid to get in the park to hike.  I was surprised that I wasn’t that disappointed.

I drove home and got caught up in reading a book, so I didn’t end up getting all that much accomplished this evening.  I have no plans after school at all this week, so I should have plenty of time to get things done.

I didn’t chat much with Oliver today.  I thought we had hit it off, but I didn’t hear from him much.  Despite his insistence that we would talk today, we really didn’t.  It was a shame.  I thought we hit it off so well!

June 15 –
Today was a very slow day at work. I was able to complete almost everything on my to-do list for the end of the year!  I spent a fair amount of time checking the internet and noticing that while even though Oliver had said that he had the day of and the time free, he really wasn’t responding to the things I wrote to him.  I found myself feeling insecure and jealous.  Wtf!?  I thought I had come a fair ways spiritually this month, only to find myself feeling these stupid feelings.  But I suppose it was at least a good start that my heart was feeling anything, even if it was stupid pain for stupid reasons. Thankfully I didn’t act on term too crazily, but I did bring one thing up with Oliver, which made me feel like a bit of an ass.  On the bright side, he admitted that he liked me, so that was nice to hear.

When I got home I fell asleep.  When I woke up, I called my dad and solidified my plans to come visit him.  I had been planning to make this visit since I spoke to him in May, but now I had the money in my bank account to purchase the tickets.  We talked and decided that I would come to visit him on July 8th for a week.  I chatted more with Oliver.  We talked on the phone until my battery died.  The battery was already low from talking with my father for so long.  Then we skyped.  It was nice to get to see his face and facial expressions.  We finally hung up around half past midnight!  We got along so well and there always seemed to be something to talk about with him!

June 16 –
Today I completed my final tasks of my list early in the morning.  However, I kept getting told to cover for this or that teacher, so I couldn’t leave early.  Still, it was nice to know that I was done!

I had several errands to run.  I decided to purchase new bed sheets because my other ones were ripped and smelled bad.  My cat had got his claw stuck in my fitted sheet and ripped it.  The rip just keep growing as I toss and turn attempting to sleep.  I got to the Bed, Bath, and Beyond and grabbed a fitted sheet and two sets of pillow cases.  I was shocked to find that the whole thing came to over $100.  Since when does a package of two pillowcases cost $35!?  Then the cashier actually asked me for an id to prove that the credit card is mine.  I will not be going back to that store!

I also stopped by a drug store to pick up another supplement.   I had been reading more about my hypothyroidism and had found a study stating that taking L-Tyrosine, an amino acid, was beneficial for people who struggled with fatigue on hypothyroidism.  I checked for drug interactions and decided it was worth trying, so I picked some up.   When I got home, I fell asleep again.

When I awoke, I bought my plane tickets to visit my dad (and possibly Oliver).  Oliver and I talked on the phone again.  We got into more in-depth conversations.  I talked about my desire for a house with land, so I can grow my own food and live off of the land as much as possible.  It’s been a long-time dream that I don’t share with many people in my life, simply because they don’t get it.  I don’t know why I shared it with him, but he had the same dream!  It seemed like an odd coincidence that he wanted the exact same things in life as me and he lived in the same city as my dad.  It almost started looking like fate brought us together.  But I told myself that I should think like that.  I shouldn’t get my hopes up.  I should just take each day as it comes.   But we even talked about what would happen if we really hit it off when we met and we liked each other.  He said that he would probably want to pack his bags and start moving right away.  I didn’t tell him that I would probably want to let him.  I stuck with logic and the pragmatism that I felt like I should be using and told him that if we got along really well, he could come visit me at the end of August when I have a week free and that we’d take things from there.  Honestly, if we spent an entire week together in August and loved every minute of it, I would be more than happy to have him move up here and move in with me.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  I know he’s shorter than me and fat.  And it looks like he’s balding.  Each of these items in and of itself is not necessarily a turn-off for me.  I’m just worried that the combination of them would be enough for me to not be sexually attracted to him when we meet.  And I hope I am.  So I just need to keep reminding myself.  Do not get my hopes up.  Do not expect anything.  Take each day as it comes.

June 17-
I had a busy day at work.  Apparently my list of things to complete was not the last one.  I was issued another list that must be completed by Friday.  There were a lot less field trips and other things going on today, so I had a lot more classes to “teach”.  It was the end of the year, so we just played games and watched movies in my classes.  I had to stay late after school, so I got home late.  I was surprised to find that I didn’t have a three hour nap like I did the day before or even a two hour nap, which seemed to be the new norm.  I usually had a 2 hour nap and 6 hours of sleep, bringing me to about 8 hours total.  Today I wasn’t tired, but I was still unmotivated.  I lay around and read my book.   I nodded off for about an hour.  I wonder if the supplement I started taking has started combating my fatigue already!

When I woke up, Oliver and I talked some more.  This time we got into really intimate topics.  We talked about sex.  We talked about our messed up childhoods.  We discussed the nature of our mental issues.  He gets depressed and social anxiety.  I am not going to go into either of our messed up childhoods.  I have gotten over mine, which was full of mental and emotional abuse.  He seems to have gotten over his, too, which was full of physical abuse.  Because he hadn’t been able to take naps as I was, he got tired early, so we hung up after only an hour of talking.

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Meditation: I meditated every morning this week

Sleep: I slept 8 hours 2 days, 7 hours 1 day, 6 hours 2 days, and 4 hours 1 day

Exercise:  I hiked for 1 mile on Sunday and that was it for exercise.

Diet: I followed my diet somewhat well.  I am still craving sugar and grains.  I ate (and drank) more sugar than grains though.

De-cluttering and cleaning:  I de-cluttered 2 days and cleaned 1 day.

Hygiene:  I brushed my teeth twice.  I was showered three days out of six.  To be fair, I really wasn’t able to shower for three days because I didn’t have any hot water.  Sure, I could have showered in cold water, but I preferred to be dirty rather than to be freezing cold for the duration of my shower.

Mood and temperament:  My temperament has been remarkably good.  I was a bit depressed on Monday when I think I started getting all co-dependent about Oliver.  But once I realized what I was doing, I did what I could to stop it.  I have been otherwise in a good or at least neutral mood most of the time.  Because of that, I was surprised at just how unmotivated and tired I have been.  I haven’t gotten much done at home at all!

June 5-11, 2015

June 5 –
I spent the day longing for the weekend.  I guess I just wanted a change.  I don’t know what I wanted.  I wanted something when I got home from work, but because I couldn’t put my finger on it, I ended up spending my time on facebook.  I chatted with anyone who sent me a message.  Something was missing.  Well, something was missing other than the fact that I couldn’t feel anything from my heart.  That’s right, I don’t have the heart for anything and anyone.  I don’t feel love for my students anymore, not even the littlest and cutest.  I can’t feel love for my family and friends anymore either.  I think my heart is actually broken, but not in that sense you hear in love songs.  My hear just isn’t working.  I can’t feel anything for anyone.  Normally when you think of a “broken” heart, you think of the pain you feel when someone you love doesn’t want to be with you anymore, but this is what it really is.  It’s when your heart has felt that pain so much that it stops feeling as a defense mechanism.  I realized that’s what my dream was about the other night.  I need to learn how to open my heart again.  I need to feel love for people again.  Not just for a guy in a romantic sense, but just to feel love for my friends, my family, my students, for people in general.   This is the whole that needed to be filled and while I spent the whole evening on facebook, I really didn’t feel any better.

June 6 –
Today I ran out of the supplements that I take for my depression.  I hoped it wouldn’t affect me too badly, but there was nothing I could do.  They were ordered, they just hadn’t been delivered yet. I got up early to make a two and a half hour drive to see a spiritual leader/teacher called Dadi Janki.  I had started taking meditation classes in January, but my attendance had been very sporadic.  Well, the lady that teaches the classes had announced that Dadi Janki would be coming the USA and that she would be staying less than three hours away.  She convinced me that it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so I agreed to go.

I didn’t actually know who Dadi Janki was, so I googled her name. “Dadi Janki joined the BKWSU as a founding member in 1937 at the age of 21” (whatever the BKWSU is) and “in 1974 she established the first BK centre outside of India, in London, UK. Under her guidance and inspiration, centres now exist in nearly 100 countries” (okay, the BK center is the place where I was taught meditation for free).  Dadi Janki maintains an unrivalled daily lecture and touring schedule even today, at age 99. She has travelled world–wide almost incessantly over the past decade, engaging with people from the grass roots to government leaders. She is a soul who refuses to set limits and boundaries as to what is achievable and, in so doing, inspires others to believe that they too can make the impossible, possible.”  Okay, I’m impressed.

When I got there, there were almost 1,000 people crammed into a room where there was probably only room for 800.  They were all wearing white.  Good thing I had listened to my meditation teacher when she had recommended that I wear white!  She and some of the other ladies I knew there had even saved a seat for me!  Their kindness went straight to my heart.  There were various presentations for the next hour and then we patiently waited for Dadi Janki to arrive at 11:00.  She arrived at 11:15.  I suppose I shouldn’t quibble over times.  After all, she’s turning 100 this year and it’s impressive that she’s able to travel and lecture as much as she does!

After she was done, we all got in line for a “toli”.  I’m told that meant a blessing.  It was a card with some words of wisdom about myself.  Kind of like a glorified fortune cookie. They also gave me a bag of trail mix with it. Lunch was then served outdoors.  It was a beautiful day.  It wasn’t too hot or too cold. The sun was shining and the surroundings were gorgeous!  The food was delicious too!  I couldn’t identify many of the foods because I think they were Indian, but they were all very tasty.  I can’t believe that they had not only managed to cook for 1,000 people, but that they were able to offer so many delicious options!

I felt a kind of peace, a happiness that was more about contentment than about being happy.  I realized then that I was looking for contentment more than happiness.  Happiness depends on externals (such as money, job, relationship, friends, etc.) whereas contentment depends on your internal ability to take what life has given you and be okay with wherever you currently are in your life situation.

I started talking with some of the “sisters” that lived there (there are bothers too, but I just didn’t end up talking with any of them).  They devote their lives to this meditation and by facilitating free weekend retreats that help others achieve peace in their lives.  While I couldn’t make it up most weekends, I asked if there was anything I could do to help.  I loved this place and wanted to return.  I talked to the woman who was in charge of the upkeep of the extensive buildings and grounds and she said I could come up during my summer vacation to help out around the grounds!  With all of my hiking experience, she was hoping I could help out with the trails!  So they were going to give me a place to stay in this beautiful wooded, mountainous region, feed me delicious food, and all I had to do was help out along the hiking trails during the day!?  This sounded fantastic!

As I drove away, I tried to keep the feeling of peace I had attained there.  I realized that I could finally feel feelings in my heart again, but that it was a mix of pain and butterflies.  I suppose some feeling was better than none at all.  I picked up Kevin on my way home.  We watched a few movies.  We got to the point in one movie where the main character was writing a letter that read as follows: “Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it but, there is no man.”  I had seen this movie before and heard this letter before, but this time I felt this letter.  I got very depressed.  I found myself shaking with the anticipation of tears.  I cried and shook and probably made a nice sight for my friend, but thankfully he was okay about it and just let me be.  I just wanted someone to hold me.  He would have been okay, but what I really wanted was someone to hold me who would hold me forever.  Who would be there for me.  Who could be all of the things I ever needed.  Of course I would be more than happy to be those things for him too, but the wanting made me so sad and so lonely.  I tried to stay up as long as I could so I would fall asleep without having to think about the things that my depression wanted me to think and have it get worse.  It was already pretty bad.

June 7 –
I woke up shaking.  I felt “off” for much of the morning.  Kevin and I continued to watch movies and I spent time cooking food for the upcoming week.  I called to inquire about my supplements and discovered that the post office had attempted to deliver them on Wednesday, only they never left a note or any indication that they had even been there.  I would have to wait for Monday to retrieve the package.

There came a point in another movie we watched where a man did some pretty insane things just to protect his family when I started getting depressed again.  I wanted a family and a man who would love me and my kids so much that he would do something like that to protect us.  Not that I’d want to ever be in that position, but you get the idea.  I drove Kevin home feeling bad that, yet again, I had probably been a bad hostess.

June 8 –
I had a pretty easy day at work, but I was not content.  I was still recovering from the fact that I had been off of the supplements for two days, so everything took more motivation than it usually took.  On my way home, I decided to pick up some DHEA.  It’s a compound (I’m not really sure what kind) that’s found naturally in the body, but mine was low in the last time I was tested for it.   DHEA is something that apparently promotes muscle growth and weight loss, so I figured it couldn’t hurt, especially when my body seems to be naturally low in it already.  When I got home, I continued cooking food.  I spent some time wasting on facebook and the internet, so I ended up staying up really late to finish making the food.

June 9 –
I was tired when I awoke because I stayed up so late the night before making food.  I took a two hour nap when I got home and then went to the Planned Parenthood.  I got tested for STDs.  Thankfully, I was clean!  The bump was a cyst that was the equivalent of a pimple “down there”. I also followed my diet today!  It was such a help to have food that was ready and desirable to eat!  But I also felt more of a desire to follow my diet as well.

June 10 –
I woke up this morning and discovered that I lost 1.4lbs in one day!  That was a real incentive to follow my diet.  I was surprisingly alert and full of energy for most of the day.  I sang loudly and with gusto in the car.  I mostly followed my diet, but there were goodies in the faculty room and I ate a few of them.  When I got home, I took a nap for two hours.   Afterwards, I took a half hour walk and did laundry.  I was actually in such a good mood that I danced to my music in the hallway of my building!  That’s not the sort of thing I do in public, like ever.

I decided to put my picture up on that singles group and introduce myself again.  I also made a list of the many qualities I looked for in a partner.  I was surprised and shocked at the number of guys who responded to it!  Many of them lived several states away and the closest one lived maybe 4 hours away in this state.  I was not tired and ended up going to bed after midnight.  As I stretched out to go to sleep, I felt very content alone in my bed.

June 11 –
I was surprised to find that I still lost 0.8lbs since I stepped on the scale yesterday morning.  Today was good.  I had a light day at work so I brought my pile of bills and worked on them.  It had been apparently 2 months since I looked at any of my bills and it was even longer for some of them.  Thankfully I had the money to pay at least the minimum amount on all of them!   Then I realized that I couldn’t find my wallet.  It turned out that I had accidentally dropped it in the parking lot of the grocery store I visited this morning.  I called the grocery store and they had found it!  When I went to pick it up, I was surprised and pleased to find that even my money was still in it!

It was very hot and humid today.  When I got home from work, I really didn’t have the energy to do anything, so I took a nap.  It seems that my 2 hour nap after work and then staying up until midnight seems to be the start of a new sleep schedule for me.

I also went running.  I waited until the sun started to sink behind the trees in hopes that it would be a little cooler and a little less humid.  I tried to take up running again about two years ago to combat the extra weight I had gained due to hypothyroidism.  I discovered that the pressure the extra weight had put on my joints, mainly my knees, was very painful and I had to stop running.  Today I started to run again.  It felt good.  I went further than I thought I would, but at a painfully slow pace.  Honestly, I think I could have walked the distance faster.  But, I did it and that’s the important thing.  My knees were sore afterwards.  I hope that doesn’t continue into tomorrow.  I also made some food, some vegetables this time, to go with all of the meat dishes that I had made.

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Meditation: I meditated 4 days

Sleep: I got an average of 7 hours each night.

Exercise: I walked one day and jogged one other day.  Other than that, I didn’t do much exercise.

Diet: I started following my diet and followed it on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, but still snacking was a problem, so I didn’t follow it completely.

Cleaning/De-cluttering: I cleaned twice and de-cluttered once

Hygiene: I was showered for every day except 2 and brushed my teeth twice.

Mood and temperament: My mood shifted. I had some serious problems with depression on the days I didn’t take my pill.  Otherwise, things seem to be on a positive swing.  The past few days, especially have been just wonderful!

June 25, 2015

I woke up this morning and it took me a little while to get going.  I did though.  I got more boxes and did some packing.  Then I did some errands and faxed in my application.  My errands took me a lot longer than expected and I found myself in rush hour traffic on the way home.  All I could think was how I couldn’t wait to move!

I ended up craving fruit all day and that’s mostly what I ate.  I wonder how that will affect my scale in the morning.  Well, I’ll find out soon enough!

My conversation with Oliver took an interesting turn tonight.  He said he was going to look for jobs in my state with the hopes of living nearby me and getting to know me better!  At first I was excited, but then I started to wonder.  I mean, he hasn’t even met me yet.  Well, I DO look forward to meeting him.  If our conversations are any guide, I think we’ll get along just fine, but I guess I was excited but hesitant.  I’m trying very hard to not have any hopes or expectations about meeting him, but it’s so difficult!

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Meditation: I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I slept 7 hours last night.

Exercise:  I packed and moved heavy boxes.

Diet: I followed my diet, except .

De-cluttering and cleaning:  I did neither today.

Hygiene:  I was showered today.

Mood and temperament:  . My temperament was good.