June 5 –
I spent the day longing for the weekend. I guess I just wanted a change. I don’t know what I wanted. I wanted something when I got home from work, but because I couldn’t put my finger on it, I ended up spending my time on facebook. I chatted with anyone who sent me a message. Something was missing. Well, something was missing other than the fact that I couldn’t feel anything from my heart. That’s right, I don’t have the heart for anything and anyone. I don’t feel love for my students anymore, not even the littlest and cutest. I can’t feel love for my family and friends anymore either. I think my heart is actually broken, but not in that sense you hear in love songs. My hear just isn’t working. I can’t feel anything for anyone. Normally when you think of a “broken” heart, you think of the pain you feel when someone you love doesn’t want to be with you anymore, but this is what it really is. It’s when your heart has felt that pain so much that it stops feeling as a defense mechanism. I realized that’s what my dream was about the other night. I need to learn how to open my heart again. I need to feel love for people again. Not just for a guy in a romantic sense, but just to feel love for my friends, my family, my students, for people in general. This is the whole that needed to be filled and while I spent the whole evening on facebook, I really didn’t feel any better.
June 6 –
Today I ran out of the supplements that I take for my depression. I hoped it wouldn’t affect me too badly, but there was nothing I could do. They were ordered, they just hadn’t been delivered yet. I got up early to make a two and a half hour drive to see a spiritual leader/teacher called Dadi Janki. I had started taking meditation classes in January, but my attendance had been very sporadic. Well, the lady that teaches the classes had announced that Dadi Janki would be coming the USA and that she would be staying less than three hours away. She convinced me that it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so I agreed to go.
I didn’t actually know who Dadi Janki was, so I googled her name. “Dadi Janki joined the BKWSU as a founding member in 1937 at the age of 21” (whatever the BKWSU is) and “in 1974 she established the first BK centre outside of India, in London, UK. Under her guidance and inspiration, centres now exist in nearly 100 countries” (okay, the BK center is the place where I was taught meditation for free). Dadi Janki maintains an unrivalled daily lecture and touring schedule even today, at age 99. She has travelled world–wide almost incessantly over the past decade, engaging with people from the grass roots to government leaders. She is a soul who refuses to set limits and boundaries as to what is achievable and, in so doing, inspires others to believe that they too can make the impossible, possible.” Okay, I’m impressed.
When I got there, there were almost 1,000 people crammed into a room where there was probably only room for 800. They were all wearing white. Good thing I had listened to my meditation teacher when she had recommended that I wear white! She and some of the other ladies I knew there had even saved a seat for me! Their kindness went straight to my heart. There were various presentations for the next hour and then we patiently waited for Dadi Janki to arrive at 11:00. She arrived at 11:15. I suppose I shouldn’t quibble over times. After all, she’s turning 100 this year and it’s impressive that she’s able to travel and lecture as much as she does!
After she was done, we all got in line for a “toli”. I’m told that meant a blessing. It was a card with some words of wisdom about myself. Kind of like a glorified fortune cookie. They also gave me a bag of trail mix with it. Lunch was then served outdoors. It was a beautiful day. It wasn’t too hot or too cold. The sun was shining and the surroundings were gorgeous! The food was delicious too! I couldn’t identify many of the foods because I think they were Indian, but they were all very tasty. I can’t believe that they had not only managed to cook for 1,000 people, but that they were able to offer so many delicious options!
I felt a kind of peace, a happiness that was more about contentment than about being happy. I realized then that I was looking for contentment more than happiness. Happiness depends on externals (such as money, job, relationship, friends, etc.) whereas contentment depends on your internal ability to take what life has given you and be okay with wherever you currently are in your life situation.
I started talking with some of the “sisters” that lived there (there are bothers too, but I just didn’t end up talking with any of them). They devote their lives to this meditation and by facilitating free weekend retreats that help others achieve peace in their lives. While I couldn’t make it up most weekends, I asked if there was anything I could do to help. I loved this place and wanted to return. I talked to the woman who was in charge of the upkeep of the extensive buildings and grounds and she said I could come up during my summer vacation to help out around the grounds! With all of my hiking experience, she was hoping I could help out with the trails! So they were going to give me a place to stay in this beautiful wooded, mountainous region, feed me delicious food, and all I had to do was help out along the hiking trails during the day!? This sounded fantastic!
As I drove away, I tried to keep the feeling of peace I had attained there. I realized that I could finally feel feelings in my heart again, but that it was a mix of pain and butterflies. I suppose some feeling was better than none at all. I picked up Kevin on my way home. We watched a few movies. We got to the point in one movie where the main character was writing a letter that read as follows: “Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it but, there is no man.” I had seen this movie before and heard this letter before, but this time I felt this letter. I got very depressed. I found myself shaking with the anticipation of tears. I cried and shook and probably made a nice sight for my friend, but thankfully he was okay about it and just let me be. I just wanted someone to hold me. He would have been okay, but what I really wanted was someone to hold me who would hold me forever. Who would be there for me. Who could be all of the things I ever needed. Of course I would be more than happy to be those things for him too, but the wanting made me so sad and so lonely. I tried to stay up as long as I could so I would fall asleep without having to think about the things that my depression wanted me to think and have it get worse. It was already pretty bad.
June 7 –
I woke up shaking. I felt “off” for much of the morning. Kevin and I continued to watch movies and I spent time cooking food for the upcoming week. I called to inquire about my supplements and discovered that the post office had attempted to deliver them on Wednesday, only they never left a note or any indication that they had even been there. I would have to wait for Monday to retrieve the package.
There came a point in another movie we watched where a man did some pretty insane things just to protect his family when I started getting depressed again. I wanted a family and a man who would love me and my kids so much that he would do something like that to protect us. Not that I’d want to ever be in that position, but you get the idea. I drove Kevin home feeling bad that, yet again, I had probably been a bad hostess.
June 8 –
I had a pretty easy day at work, but I was not content. I was still recovering from the fact that I had been off of the supplements for two days, so everything took more motivation than it usually took. On my way home, I decided to pick up some DHEA. It’s a compound (I’m not really sure what kind) that’s found naturally in the body, but mine was low in the last time I was tested for it. DHEA is something that apparently promotes muscle growth and weight loss, so I figured it couldn’t hurt, especially when my body seems to be naturally low in it already. When I got home, I continued cooking food. I spent some time wasting on facebook and the internet, so I ended up staying up really late to finish making the food.
June 9 –
I was tired when I awoke because I stayed up so late the night before making food. I took a two hour nap when I got home and then went to the Planned Parenthood. I got tested for STDs. Thankfully, I was clean! The bump was a cyst that was the equivalent of a pimple “down there”. I also followed my diet today! It was such a help to have food that was ready and desirable to eat! But I also felt more of a desire to follow my diet as well.
June 10 –
I woke up this morning and discovered that I lost 1.4lbs in one day! That was a real incentive to follow my diet. I was surprisingly alert and full of energy for most of the day. I sang loudly and with gusto in the car. I mostly followed my diet, but there were goodies in the faculty room and I ate a few of them. When I got home, I took a nap for two hours. Afterwards, I took a half hour walk and did laundry. I was actually in such a good mood that I danced to my music in the hallway of my building! That’s not the sort of thing I do in public, like ever.
I decided to put my picture up on that singles group and introduce myself again. I also made a list of the many qualities I looked for in a partner. I was surprised and shocked at the number of guys who responded to it! Many of them lived several states away and the closest one lived maybe 4 hours away in this state. I was not tired and ended up going to bed after midnight. As I stretched out to go to sleep, I felt very content alone in my bed.
June 11 –
I was surprised to find that I still lost 0.8lbs since I stepped on the scale yesterday morning. Today was good. I had a light day at work so I brought my pile of bills and worked on them. It had been apparently 2 months since I looked at any of my bills and it was even longer for some of them. Thankfully I had the money to pay at least the minimum amount on all of them! Then I realized that I couldn’t find my wallet. It turned out that I had accidentally dropped it in the parking lot of the grocery store I visited this morning. I called the grocery store and they had found it! When I went to pick it up, I was surprised and pleased to find that even my money was still in it!
It was very hot and humid today. When I got home from work, I really didn’t have the energy to do anything, so I took a nap. It seems that my 2 hour nap after work and then staying up until midnight seems to be the start of a new sleep schedule for me.
I also went running. I waited until the sun started to sink behind the trees in hopes that it would be a little cooler and a little less humid. I tried to take up running again about two years ago to combat the extra weight I had gained due to hypothyroidism. I discovered that the pressure the extra weight had put on my joints, mainly my knees, was very painful and I had to stop running. Today I started to run again. It felt good. I went further than I thought I would, but at a painfully slow pace. Honestly, I think I could have walked the distance faster. But, I did it and that’s the important thing. My knees were sore afterwards. I hope that doesn’t continue into tomorrow. I also made some food, some vegetables this time, to go with all of the meat dishes that I had made.
Meditation: I meditated 4 days
Sleep: I got an average of 7 hours each night.
Exercise: I walked one day and jogged one other day. Other than that, I didn’t do much exercise.
Diet: I started following my diet and followed it on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, but still snacking was a problem, so I didn’t follow it completely.
Cleaning/De-cluttering: I cleaned twice and de-cluttered once
Hygiene: I was showered for every day except 2 and brushed my teeth twice.
Mood and temperament: My mood shifted. I had some serious problems with depression on the days I didn’t take my pill. Otherwise, things seem to be on a positive swing. The past few days, especially have been just wonderful!