Tuesday August 30, 2016

I dropped Kyle off at work in the morning. I spent most of the day driving home from his house. Then when I got home, I felt so overwhelmed with the amount of stuff that I had to do, that I did none of it. Isn’t that funny how it works? When I have so much to do, I get so overwhelmed, that it never gets done.   Sometimes my logic takes over and I tell myself that it’ll take even longer if I don’t do anything. Then I tell myself to pick one thing to do; preferably an easy thing. If I can accomplish that thing, then I feel a sense of accomplishment and a chance to cross one thing off of the list. But today was not that day. I just hung out, perusing social media, and watching Netflix. Eventually, I went to sleep.


Money – ?

Relationships – yes

Meditation – no

Mood – down

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Tuesday August 30, 2016

 

I dropped Kyle off at work in the morning. I spent most of the day driving home from his house. Then when I got home, I felt so overwhelmed with the amount of stuff that I had to do, that I did none of it. Isn’t that funny how it works? When I have so much to do, I get so overwhelmed, that it never gets done.   Sometimes my logic takes over and I tell myself that it’ll take even longer if I don’t do anything. Then I tell myself to pick one thing to do; preferably an easy thing. If I can accomplish that thing, then I feel a sense of accomplishment and a chance to cross one thing off of the list. But today was not that day. I just hung out, perusing social media, and watching Netflix. Eventually, I went to sleep.


Money – ?

Relationships – yes

Meditation – no

Mood – down

Monday August 29, 2016

 

Kyle and I woke up late. Then we spent the next few hours having sex. Well, it wasn’t all sex, but it was, uh, sexual-related activity. After a lengthy post-sex cuddling session, we decided to go out to eat. I told him he could pick anywhere he wanted to go and that it was my treat, but I didn’t realize that it would be so expensive. I greatly enjoyed my food, the appetizers, and the wine, but everything was quite pricey. Well, it’ll be a nice idea for special occasions, but not really something we could do every time I came to visit him.

When we got back to his place, we watched some TV and had sex again. I’m not sure why, but it was a day of sex. It was fun though, but it also took a lot out of me. Like the restaurant we went to, it’s not something for every day, but it’s fun once in a while!


Money – $60 for dinner

Relationships – yes

Meditation – no

Mood – varied

Sunday August 28, 2016

 

Kyle and I decided to go hiking and swimming in the morning. I wondered if it was just because it had been so long since I’ve been hiking, but I really had a hard time with such a short hike. I felt a bit light-headed. I just told myself it was because I was out of shape. I really hadn’t been doing much of anything in the way of exercise. When we got to the swimming hole, I had forgotten that it was full of rocks. They weren’t small gravel-sized rocks that are mostly okay to walk on. They weren’t large rocks that you can hop from rock to rock to rock. They were something in between the two sizes and they hurt my feet. What’s worse, they threw me terribly off-balance. I typically have very good balance, in general. I tried wandering in with just my flip-flops, but I felt even more off-balanced. I felt like something was wrong with me, but couldn’t put my finger on what.

I dropped Kyle off at work and ended up falling asleep while he was gone. I slept for four hours of his five hour shift. Well, maybe I needed it. When we got back, we drank a little and played a game with his housemate’s girlfriend.


Money – ?

Relationships – yes

Meditation – no

Mood – neutral

Friday August 26, 2016

 

I awoke shaking. I felt like I had bad dream last night, but couldn’t remember what, except that it was bad. I awoke depressed. I laid in bed for most of the day, accomplishing nothing. I hate being depressed and I hate being so productive, but I wonder if depression is nature’s way of stopping me from pushing myself too hard. It causes me to take a day off or some time off of my to-do list now and then. I don’t know, but I really had a miserable day where I did nothing other than watch Netflix and nap on and off. Some people would consider that a good day. And if I didn’t feel so miserable, I’d be inclined to agree with them.


Money – ?

Relationships – no

Meditation – yes

Mood – depressed

Thursday August 25, 2016

 

I woke up late and accomplished a few things in the afternoon. Then I was invited to a barbecue with some acquaintances of mine. I do try and be friendly, but, as always, I felt awkward and out of place. Thankfully I brought my knitting. It gave me something to focus on when nobody was talking to me and it served as a conversation starter when someone wanted to talk to me. It seemed like it was expected that we would stay for a number of hours. First, there was bread and butter and veggies and dip placed out on the table. Then some home made pickles. Then the sides like beans and cole slaw were put out. Then came the hamburgers and hot dogs. I wanted a burger, but they stuffed them full of the one food I dislike more than anything, which is not a common practice. I was offered one and asked if they had some without that food item. They offered to make me one, but I declined and ate two hot dogs instead. Then an hour later when I had stuffed myself with whatever foods looked good, I was presented with a burger without the food item that I despise. I was surprised and asked if I could take it home. It was kind of them, but I also had told them not to bother.

It took me over an hour to leave. As soon as I’d start to say my goodbyes, someone would find a reason to start talking to me, thereby delaying my departure. This happened several times. I was almost at the door when one of the women there had to deal with her unruly child who was clearly not listening to her. She told him to go to his room to go to bed and he kept telling her “no”. He was maybe 6 years old. It’s not even an uncommon practice. His stubbornness was uncommon. As was the mother’s apparent anger as she grabbed the kid and started hitting whatever body part she could get. Her slap mostly hit limbs, but even that didn’t sway the kid. I would have just picked up the kid and tossed him on his bed. He was a skinny 6 years old, so an adult could still do that. I thought with so many people out there doing a bad job at parenting, why was it me that ended up not having kids. Could I really be that much worse? And just on a side note, I’m not against spanking your kids. But I’m against hitting your kids out of anger. It was very clear that this woman had lost her shit. Not cool. And this woman was a teacher. Teaching taught me that discipline is about having a very clear set of rules and consequences and to implement the rules and consequences firmly and fairly. That way, the kids stop their misbehaving before they get to you and invoke your anger. Well, maybe not everybody learned that as a teacher.

I got home late and went straight to bed.


Money – ?

Relationships – yes

Meditate – yes

Mood – down

Wednesday August 24, 2016

I awoke late and left home immediately. I had a number of errands to run and they were all an hour away from my apartment in different directions.  I drove all the way down to the human resources office of my job only to find out that the person I needed to speak with wasn’t there.  On the bright side, I didn’t need to come back.  I could get the forms online, print them out, and mail them in.  Then I had to drive to the county where my divorce paperwork was filed.  I needed a notarized copy to send for my new passport.  Then when I got back, I changed my name on my car registration.

Afterwards, I decided to visit my local sex shop and buy a few of the items that we had discussed.  I spent way too much money, but I hope it will be worth it. When I got home, I was very tired, so I tried to take a nap.  I woke up two hours later, missing the hike I had intended to take this evening.  When I woke up, I was groggy and annoyed that I had missed the hike.  Kyle and I argued about something, but I can’t even remember what it was now.  After awhile, we calmed down and I told him about my visit to the sex shop.  We eventually had cyber sex and then went to bed.


Money – $80 at the sex shop, $5 for the copy of my divorce paperwork, $10 on fast food

Relationships – no

Meditation – no

Mood – okay

Tuesday August 23, 2016

This morning I woke up and my back was too sore to work out.  Nonetheless, I got a lot done today, so I felt good about that.  In fact, I did so much that I ended up tiring myself out and ended up on the couch in front of the tv in the evening again.

I chatted with Kyle about when I should come up and visit him next.  He wanted me to come as soon as possible, but I had a meeting on Thursday and he had another obligation on Saturday that would take the whole day.  We decided to wait until he got his schedule so we could see which days he would have off of work, to better maximize the time spent together. Then we started talking about the possibility of using sex toys when we had sex. We discussed which ones might work well and which ones we were interested in trying.

While I was chatting with Kyle, I heard from my nameless ex, the one who’s dumping me spurred the idea for this blog. After the initial hurt feelings that came with him dumping me had subsided, we were friends that chatted occasionally.  His cat, who was dying, had run away from home.  He was afraid that the cat had left to die.  He was very upset.  He was kind of seeing some woman, but she was very unsympathetic, so he contacted me.  I told him that was fine and that we were friends.  We chatted for awhile.  I was surprised that so much time had gone by and he still ended up turning to me when he needed something.  When he confided that he was concerned about the kindness of the woman he was seeing (not quite a girlfriend), I made sure to bring up my boyfriend in as natural a way as I could.  I knew he had seen that I was dating someone on Facebook, but figured that he may have forgotten about that fact since he was concerned about his cat.  He seemed to stop chatting after that.  Maybe he had found someone else to talk to.  Maybe he was disappointed with the fact that I was taken.  He messaged me to let me know that the cat had been found.  The cat has terminal cancer, so it didn’t have long to live.  Even so, I remembered that cat fondly and was happy that it was okay for the time being.

These conversations lasted past midnight.  I even followed my diet again today


Money – $20 on tools

Relationship – no

Meditation – yes

Mood – ok

Monday August 22, 2016

I did most of my morning routine this morning, including working out.  Then I drove to work to prepare my classroom for the upcoming school year.  I didn’t realize that they replaced my carpet over the summer.  My furniture and art supplies were everywhere! It would take a while to get everything in order.  I hadn’t expected this.  I had made plans to go hiking with an old friend of mine who lives two hours away from me.  If I was going to finish my classroom today, that would certainly not happen.  I was disappointed.  I had seen him around briefly at the camping/hiking event, but it would have been nice to spend more time with him.

I spent most of the day working on my classroom.  I ran into a coworker and ended up chatting with her and telling her a little more of my life than I felt like I should.  I told her about needing to change my name and she seemed confused.  Nobody had really known that I was married because I used my maiden name with the students.  I also told her about my husband’s gaslighting.  Her sister had been through the same thing, so I felt less awkward about and it really seemed like she understood.  It was nice to have someone to talk to, at least.  But I hope it doesn’t get around as so many teachers love to gossip and spread rumors.

When I got home, my back was sore from moving all of the furniture around.  I spent the evening in front of the tv, since I was in too much pain to move much or do anything else that was productive. I did end up following my diet today as well!


Money – $20 in gas

Relationships – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – okay

Sunday August 21, 2016

I went over to Chandra’s house in the morning.  Honestly, I think that’s the only thing that got me out of bed so early.  It had been a while since I had seen her.  As always, she asked me for help doing various things.  She was having internet problems, so she called the company.  They told her that she should plug her computer directly into the modem, but now her phone, which is also internet-based, isn’t working.  I am not a computer expert, by any stretch of the imagination, but I told her I would try to help.  I plugged the computer and the modem back into the router.  It didn’t work.  I restarted both the modem and the router.  The phone worked, but the computer didn’t have internet.  I restarted the computer.  It had internet.  Chandra was very grateful to me, even though I felt like I really didn’t do much for her at all!  I still felt good for having done something nice for her.  I spent the rest of the time there helping her navigate the internet.  She made plans with me on Wednesday to go visit some gardens of a local rich family that opens their gardens to the public.  I thought it sounded like fun to get to do something with her that wasn’t the spirituality classes she teaches and helping her with her computer problems.

When I left, I went home, made my shopping list, and went food shopping.  I had a few other errands to run, so I did that as well.  I put away some of the food and then lost all motivation to do anything.  I spent the evening watching tv.

Money – $120 on food and other necessary expenses like cat food

Relationships – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – Good in the morning, tired in the evening