Sunday June 26, 2016

I awoke early, but it took me a little while to get out of bed.  I managed to do one or two things, then attempted to go back to sleep.  It didn’t work.  I didn’t want to do anything.  My heart hurt.  It was because of Carl.  I still hadn’t heard from him.  My texts were not even going through.  I kept getting the “failed to send” message every time I tried.

I had made plans to meet some friends for a walk in the woods and a picnic.  It was less than a mile over flat ground, so I wouldn’t exactly call it a hike.  I just could not pull myself out of my funk.  And even stranger still, I didn’t want to talk about it.  To be fair, they are used to me being upset over guys or just being depressed in general. They inquired, but didn’t really seem interested in my answer.  So I didn’t speak much and they didn’t press the issue.  They made plans to go out for ice cream afterwards.  I told them that I’d pass and drove home.

I tried to nap.  I tried very hard to get tired, but I just couldn’t.  I begged God, the Universe, whoever to let me sleep, to give me insights as I slept, and to allow me to awake in less emotional pain.  Well, I did sleep.  I felt like I was given wisdom as I slept, but forgot it when I awoke.  I awoke with the same amount of emotional pain.  Here’s the weird thing.  Even though I’m feeling all of this pain over Carl, I still have some sort of odd faith in him.  Like I know we’re going to be together eventually and that this pain is only temporary.  It didn’t help the pain for today, however.

I forced myself to get up, to cook food for the next few days.  It was very difficult.  In between cooking, I chatted with Steve, who I was looking forward to seeing on Tuesday.  I told him about my issues.  I told him about the possibility of hooking up with Kyle.  I told him that I felt like Carl was the one and how it almost felt like cheating on him, even though Carl himself said he’s not ready for anything with me.  I felt like an asshole anyway and it hasn’t even happened yet.  Steve offered himself if I was looking for any action of that sort.  I inwardly groaned.  Did all of my single male friends secretly want to sleep with me!?

I knew that I wanted to be with Carl and only Carl.  I knew that Carl wasn’t ready.  Hooking up with other guys was a sort of a panacea, a band-aid to cover the hole in my heart.  I knew that Carl wouldn’t be hooking up with anyone else.  So why was I?  To make myself feel better about the fact that he’s not ready to be in a relationship with me?   I didn’t know.  And I was actually considering hooking up with Steve too.  What was wrong with me?  I probably wouldn’t hook up with Steve, but I was seriously thinking about Kyle.

I smoked way too many cigarettes and stayed up way too late chatting with Steve and Kyle online.  I tried texting Carl again.  Message failed to send, again.


Saturday June 25, 2016

I decided on a whim to meet some friends in a neighboring state to go hiking with them.  I had to leave at 8am.  I woke up at 6am, made breakfast, did my strength training, and drank a post-workout shake before leaving.

I got there and was happy to see some of my friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. Even better was that they were visibly glad to see me!  I noticed that as I’ve been hiking my stamina has been improving, especially on the hills. I was very pleased.  We all went out to a pub afterwards. I had a beer and enjoyed talking with everyone.  It’s the first time in a long time that I went hiking with some folks that I really enjoyed being with and really seemed to enjoy hanging out with me!  I loved it!

I hadn’t heard from Carl today, but I was in such a good mood, I really didn’t read into it that much.  I mean, he’s gone silent for a day before.  It’s possible he was busy or whatever.  I didn’t let it bother me.  I fell asleep not long after I got home and ended up sleeping the whole night through.

Friday June 24, 2016

I decided to break my silence with Carl.  I had no additional messages from him over the course of yesterday.  I apologized for my silence and told him that I needed some time to think.  He said it was okay and that he assumed that was the case.  He said he liked me but didn’t have the time to treat me like I deserve.  I told him that I understood. I told him that if his feelings for me are similar to the ones that I was experiencing, that they were unlike anything I’ve felt towards anyone else and took me a while to sort them out.  He agreed.  It was good to know he was feeling what I was, even though he hadn’t figured it out enough to know what he wanted.   I told him that since he wasn’t ready to be exclusive, that I wouldn’t be exclusive with him.  I told him that I had hoped that we could continue enjoying spending time together and he assented.  It seemed that he didn’t quite understand, so I restated my non-exclusivity.  I told him unless he was ready, I would be seeing other people.  I was afraid that would deter him, but it didn’t seem to.  He called me beautiful like nothing had happened. I also told him that I’d leave it up to him when I saw him again, but warned him that my schedule was filling up quickly.  I told him about my trip that I had planned for next week. He said it sounded like fun.

From something else Carl said, it really made it seem like he was considering an actual relationship with me at some point.  He said he was a little afraid of what this could be with us.  I asked what he was afraid of.  He was afraid of what he is at the beginning of any relationship.  That this could be it, happiness, contentment.  It was enough to allow me to hope.

I went hiking in the morning.  It was a two hour long hike.  It felt good to get out there for that long.  I was especially pleased because it turned out that I had finally gotten in better shape.  Hills that I used to struggle with were suddenly easier for me to do.  When I got home, I ended up falling asleep.

When I awoke, Carl was out of work and was driving to visit his mother.  We had some interesting conversations about some of the sexual things we wanted to do.  None of his things I was really adverse to trying (because they were merely things he wanted to try, not necessarily repeat).  Then he bade me goodnight because his phone was dying and he needed to charge it.

I got a few things done around my apartment, but then ended up in another conversation with Kyle.  We had cyber sex again.  It was more fun this time because Carl knew that I wasn’t going to just be exclusive to him until he was ready.  I fell asleep not long afterwards.

Thursday June 23, 2016

I awoke very early.  Chandra was having an early morning meditation class and she requested that I attend and help out.  She had some students who had been taking classes for a while now and they were just moving on to the next phase of meditating, the phase I was on. When I awoke, I decided to stop talking to Carl for a day or two.  I thought it would be useful for many reasons.  It would give him the time to figure out what he felt.  It would give him time to (hopefully) miss me.  It would give me time to lick my wounds.  It would also prevent me from doing various things to manipulate him and the situation, which my pain might make me want to do.

I arrived at Chandra’s house early, by her request, about 10 minutes before 6am, when the others were scheduled to arrive.  She put on some meditation music and I started to meditate.  I heard someone come in, but they just walked in and started to meditate as well.  It seemed like the meditation was going on for a long time, but nobody else had arrived.  She must have been waiting for others who never showed up.

We listened in silence to her class and then she left to prepare a small breakfast for us, which was very kind of her.  His name was Shane.  He looked to be about my age or a little younger, both of which surprised me.  Usually the people who are interested in spirituality classes are women and they’re older.  We got to chatting and it turns out that he’s living one of my dreams.  I asked him question after question, trying to get the minutiae of how he did certain things.  He asked me about this path of spirituality, complained of the vegetarianism, and I confessed to also being a meat-eater!  I really enjoyed chatting with him, but Chandra returned with the food and insisted in keeping the conversation on spiritual matters.

Chandra asked a question, but I had the answer on my phone.  I had to turn it on and look at it.  I found a text from Carl saying he had feelings of more than just friendship for me, but that he didn’t know what they were.  To my way of thinking, if they’re more than just friendship, they’re romantic feelings.  What he didn’t know was what he wanted to do about them.  Or maybe he was having a difficult time quantifying them.  My feelings for him felt so different than those I have felt for anyone else.  Maybe he was having a similar difficulty.  Maybe I was just quicker at figuring it out.  I thought about how unfair it was to just go silent on him a day or two.  I posted on Facebook that I was going to turn off my phone for a couple of days since I was relying on it too much.  I told my Facebook friends that they could still get in touch with me via e-mail or Facebook messenger, which I would still check from time to time. I know Carl’s not on Facebook that much, but I hoped he would check it to see what was going on with me when he didn’t hear from me all day.

Me and Shane both told Chandra that we would return next Thursday.  I was so surprised at having found some guy I had so much in common with upon such short acquaintance. I told myself that it was stupid.  I told myself that I was just reacting to Carl and to wait and see what the next few days would bring. I shouldn’t jump at the first guy I see because I was feeling hurt and unsure.

When I got home, I went back to sleep for four hours.  I woke up, checked my Facebook (there wasn’t much to see), and went back to sleep.  I woke up again around 4:30pm.  I really needed to figure out why I was sleeping so much.  My head felt foggy, but I forced myself to get up and go food shopping, smoking on the way there and back.  I was pleased with having done something useful.  When I arrived home, I just wanted to go back to sleep again.  I decided to try and take some multivitamins and hoped that maybe sleeping so much was just some kind of vitamin deficiency.  I took the multivitamin and got into bed.  I checked Facebook again and decided to make plans for next week.  I decided to go away and visit some of my favorite people who live close to five hours away.  Zak and Danielle didn’t offer their house, so I found another friend, Andrea, who offered hers instead.

It was the town that I used to attend college in so I had a number of friends that remained there.  Steve still lives near there.  Kyle lives there too, even though I didn’t really get to know him until after I graduated.  I think he’s 6 or 7 years younger than me.  But suffice it to say, I was glad to be going among friends.  Here I had nobody unless I wanted to drive for an hour.  It was alone in a house with two cats and my thoughts of Carl.  It seemed like a good idea to me.

Surprisingly, I couldn’t sleep and ended up having  a ton of energy.  I got up, dropped off my laundry, ran a few more errands, put the laundry in the dryer, and came home to wait.  I was actually happy.  I wondered if my problem with the excess sleeping was a simple vitamin deficiency.

I also got to thinking about Carl and how it really sounded like he was scared.  He probably wasn’t ready to be in a relationship of any sort.  I decided that if he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship that I would wait for him, but I wouldn’t do so idly.  I decided that if he wouldn’t commit, why should I?  I could hook up with other guys.  It seemed like a viable alternative.  Don’t get me wrong, I was much more interested in a stable, loving relationship that I think Carl and I could have together.  However, at least I could fool around and have some fun while he made up his mind. And if Carl takes his time about being ready to commit to anything, my random hookups can change to be dates.  I know Carl is the one, but that doesn’t mean that he’s ready to be the one yet.

I wasn’t too far into this mindset before Kyle propositioned me with the thought of hooking up when I came up to visit.  Kyle knew everything that was going on with Chris.  He was still hurting over his ex.  It seemed perfect.  We were both looking to get some and neither of us was likely to fall for the other one and create problems.  The distance also made it unlikely that anything would come of it. I was excited.  Maybe this could happen when I went to that big hiking event later in this summer.  Not necessarily with Kyle, but with someone.  I was also hoping that it would help Carl along, to know that there was the possibility of me hooking up with other guys.  I would have to wait until I decided to talk to him again to figure it out.

I started getting horny thinking about it and then feeling guilty since I had not yet talked to Carl.  I had to pick up my laundry before the place closed.  When I got home, Kyle was still online and we proceeded to have cyber sex?  I think that’s the term for it.  I hoped this wouldn’t make things awkward when I actually see him.  I also kind of hoped that I’d get to hook up with him too.  We both fell asleep not long afterwards.

Mood: varied

Meditation: 30 minutes

Wednesday June 22, 2016

I awoke with a message from Carl, “Morning beautiful”.  I responded in kind with, “Morning cutie.”  It’s funny, I didn’t think he was cute at first, but now I do.  His eyes, his smile, the cute noises he makes when I kiss his neck, and the sweet things he says to me.  We chatted a little.  He sent me kisssy face emojis and I told him I wished they were real.  He said he wished the same.  We didn’t chat much because he had to work.

I drove the 2.5 hours it took to get to Rachel’s house.  We mostly talked about our current guy situations.  We chatted a little about work, but we’re both alike in the fact that we really don’t have much of a social life.  Really, I had a difficult time finding anything of interest to talk about with her.  But we ate lunch out, we went clothes shopping, we hung out on her back porch smoking cigarettes.  Yes, I know I had quit, but I bummed a few from her anyway.

I was driving home again when I got a message from Carl.  He was told me about his day at work and I told him about my day with Rachel.  We had been watching our favorite show together.  We’d start it at the same time and then text each other about what was going on, our theories, etc. We decided we’d watch the latest episode together when I got home.  Hearing some of Rachel’s difficulties made me think that maybe that one inconsistency with Carl was not a big deal.  Maybe he just didn’t want to publicize the fact that we were together until we were “Facebook official”.  I was enjoying talking to him and was particularly complimentary.  I noticed that today, however, he wasn’t returning any of the compliments.

I got home, we put on our favorite show, and chatted about it.  In the middle of it, Kyle came on and started chatting with me.  I went back and forth between Carl and Kyle.  Carl and I continued chatting about our favorite theories as to what would happen next.  I introduced my favorite romance idea and he negated it.  But the subject of romance had been brought up and I decided to tell him how I felt.  For a long time Carl had always told me he was willing to wait until I was comfortable, but never went on to say what he was waiting for me to be comfortable with.  I had assumed he meant being with him, an eventual relationship.  I told him that he no longer had to wait, that I knew what I wanted.  I told him that I wanted him.  I wanted to be with him and only him.  He thanked me for telling him what I felt and appreciated how vulnerable what must have made me feel.  I saw that as a bad sign.  I requested to know how he felt.  It was too late now, so I supposed I better get it over with.  He said he had feelings for me, but he didn’t know what kind.  I asked if they were feelings of friendship or something more.  He never responded.

I tried to cry, but got very few tears out.  I was still chatting sporadically with Kyle and told him what was going on.  I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one.  When I got home, Kyle said he had to go to sleep and suggested that I do the same. Eventually, I did.

Mood – varied

Meditation – none

Tuesday June 21, 2016

I awoke early again.  I did, however, fall asleep early, so this was to be expected.  I sent Carl a text of apology for the night before.  I explained that I just wanted to see him.  He eventually texted me back (he gets up later than I do) and said he was looking forward to seeing me again too.  It made me happy and I fell back asleep for a little while.  I awoke and took my cat to the vet.  It was an ordeal because he wasn’t happy to go.

While I was in the waiting room, I noticed that Carl’s picture that I had tagged him in didn’t show up on his Facebook page.  Thinking this was odd, I went on my laptop to check when I got home.  It turned out he wasn’t tagged, so I tried to tag him.  A notification popped up stating that I couldn’t because he had already removed the tag.  Why would he remove the tag?  It was just a picture of him standing in the woods.  I picked the best picture of him that I had.  Then I looked and noticed that the picture between him and that other woman from Saturday was gone too.

What was going on!?  Was he actually playing me?  Maybe he was seeing multiple people at one time and this was his way of hiding it?  I was hurt.  I felt deceived, not just by him, but for whatever had planted the idea in my head that he was “the one”.  How stupid could I get!?  I decided that I would ask him about it when he was on break and able to text again.  I didn’t expect to hear any good explanation for it, but I would at least ask.  So I asked and waited for an answer.  In the meantime , I napped.  I have been sleeping a lot lately. I actually was happy this morning when I still wanted to sleep more, so I don’t think it’s depression.  I can’t figure out what it is, though!

Anyway, I woke up and I still hadn’t received a response from him.  Usually he would have had his lunch break by now.  Was he avoiding answering the question?  I decided to meet some people for an evening hike.  Carl finally sent me a message as I was driving.  It said that he had a long and crazy day and that he didn’t even get a lunch break.  That explained his lack of messaging, but he never answered my question. I decided to wait to respond.  Maybe he would eventually answer the question.

It turns out I only knew two of the people there.  I was incredibly socially awkward.  I suppose it was just a matter of practicing socialization, but it seemed like everybody took everything I said in the wrong way.  I wondered if I somehow got off on the wrong foot or if something in my countenance showed that I was not in the best of humors.

During the hike, my friend Rachel messaged me.  She was having problems with her guy too.  We commiserated and I tried to give her advice.  In hindsight, giving her advice considering I have been having problems with Carl myself.  We made plans to hang out tomorrow.  I think it was good for her because her guy has been just calling her at the last minute and expecting her to be free.  I just wanted to get out of town and be sociable with someone, so it worked well for me too!  Rachel recommended that I let go the question of the photo tagging on Facebook for a few days.  I decided to take her advice and the urgency regarding the question started to fade from my mind and my heart.

When I got home, Kyle and I chatted for a bit about my hike, since he hikes too.  We chatted a little longer and then I went to bed.

Mood: varied

Meditation: none







Monday June 20, 2016

I awoke early.  It only took me a few hours to get out of bed today, which was impressive compared to yesterday!  I even took a walk after I got up.  I did end up procrastinating, so I didn’t get much else done.  I need to start making a walk my priority in the mornings, I think.

I had a lot of plans for today.  My first set of plans were with a hiking acquaintance.  I’m not sure why he asked me out to lunch, but I was hoping it was as friends.  It was awkward, but I tried to be as affable as possible. As soon as I saw him, he opened his arms wide.  It was an unmistakable invitation for a hug.  I’m not terribly physical with people unless I know them really well, so that already made me uncomfortable.  I gave him a half-hearted, one-armed hug.   We really didn’t have much in common.  Once the topics of trails and work was exhausted, our conversation lacked for substance. When he tried to pay, I insisted on paying for my half.  I had even brought cash specifically for that purpose. When we left, he spread out his arms again.  This time my hug was more genuine because I was happy to see him go and have the awkwardness over.

I had made plans with my friend Meagan afterwards.  It was mostly as a fail-safe.  If this guy thought he was on a date, Megan told me to just tell him I had plans with her at whatever time I wanted to leave.  We, of course, had plans to hang out afterwards at some indeterminate time.  As soon as the lunch was over, I gave hear a call.  Megan is in her late 60s, early 70s. She is retired and very active in environmentalism. She has short gray hair and a slim build.  We walked around the town a bit, got smoothies at a local coffee shop, and sat down for awhile in a scenic spot to admire it.  She regales me with tales of some of the more interesting protests she had taken part in, stories of her two marriages, and told me about her three kids.  I told her about Carl and she said she was very happy for me.  I took a few pictures of her and she scenery.  On a whim, I took a selfie as well.  I didn’t really even look at it.

I also heard back from Carl.  He did have some spare time after work, so I took him to a nearby spot that only locals knew about.  I used to be local there, which is how I knew about it.  As soon as he got in my car, I held his hand, which he placed on my leg.  As we walked on the trail, he held my hand again.  He really was starting to behave like my boyfriend and I loved it! We arrived at our destination, a waterfall.  I should have known that on a hot day like today that there would be other people there.  In fact, we were the only ones there not wearing swimsuits.  We waded. We chatted and joked.  We found excuses for touching each other until he drew me in and kissed him.  I’m not typically one who shows displays of affection in public.  The way I saw it, was that nobody wanted to see that.  But when he kissed me, I didn’t care.  I felt a little like we were being stared at (we probably weren’t), but it didn’t matter.  I just wanted to keep kissing him.  We probably looked a bit silly.  I think we were the oldest people there, with our pants rolled up, wading into the water and just standing there, arms around each other, kissing.  We spent a good portion of the rest of our time at the waterfalls kissing.  I felt a little self-conscious just because I had never kissed anyone like that in front of other people before.  But I really couldn’t help it.  Once he kissed me, I just wanted to keep kissing him back.

I took some photos of the waterfalls and the trail.  I took a few of Carl and asked if I could post it on Facebook (it’s a standard question I ask everyone who I take pictures of).  He agreed, stating that he never went on Facebook, so it didn’t really matter.  We held hands, put our arms around each other, and occasionally stopped to kiss each other on our way back to my car.  He started to joke around with me a lot.  I tend to take myself pretty seriously and tried to adopt a playful air as much as I could.  It was fun until he introduced the fact that the way to get me to do something was to tell me not to do it or that I couldn’t do it.  How contrary was my nature!?  He proved it by saying something like that and I immediately wanted to to it!  It surprised me, because I did not realize this about my nature. Also, I found myself reacting to his teasing in very odd ways.  Sometimes I wanted to playfully shove him, sometimes I gave it back to him, sometimes it struck a chord that I couldn’t define.  I had dated guys before who were too meek and just did whatever I wanted them to.  They got boring.  I had dated guys who were very aggressive and almost never did what I wanted them to.  They oddly lasted longer.  But here was a guy who seemed to be a good mix of both.  In addition, I found myself regaining some of my nature that I had lost.  I remembered being random and silly and sometimes enjoying childish pursuits when me and my ex-husband had gotten together.  I had forgotten that about myself.  He helped me to remember.

I drove him back to his car, feeling very confident about his feelings for me.  I felt confident that we would be together for a long time to come.  I wondered if maybe he already thought of myself as his girlfriend.

When I got home, I posted the pictures to Facebook, making sure to tag him and Megain.  I asked him when we would hang out again.  He didn’t know.  He would be gone the whole weekend helping his mom out with something.  I was disappointed and asked him if we could hang out after his work on another day this week.  He wasn’t sure.  I was disappointed and warned him that I was going camping the weekend after.  I invited him to come with me, but he though he already had promised his sister that he would take his niece to the zoo on one of those days.  He was so unhelpful, I told him that I would leave it up to him when we would hang out again.  I was very tired and fell asleep after his brief response of assent.

Mood – Good

Meditation – none

Sunday June 19, 2016

I awoke early and realized that I needed to ignore my fears.  My emotion for Carl is already there, so even if I were to pull away now, I would still get hurt.  I might as well throw myself into it whole heartedly.  Either way, I would get hurt, but at least throwing myself into it, trying and trusting him. I will, at least, be able to give it a chance.  And that’s what I resolved to do.

I fell back asleep soon afterwards.   I spent a good portion of the day in a daze or sleeping, interspersed with some reading, chatting, or checking out Facebook. Finally, around 4:00pm, I managed to drag myself out of bed.  I attempted to do what I could to make my apartment look decent. Carl had to come later today and I expected him around 8:00.  I got almost everything done, I had no energy to do any more, and I started to feel anxious, so I started to play my guitar.  It helped with the anxiousness and I played for the next 40 minutes.  I was hoping he’d arrive in the middle of my playing and be impressed.  Instead, I finished playing through the music book and was looking for another book when he came to the door.

Carl looked different again.  He had cut his hair to a shorter, and, in my opinion, a less flattering cut.  His face looked younger, though, and he was wearing contacts.  How is it that he looks so different every time that I see him?  I was surprised to see him, disappointed that he didn’t come in and marvel at my playing, and I felt a little embarrassed and shy.  We sat down on the couch and started to talk.  He put his arm around me and immediately there was that feeling of belonging again.  It was soothing and calming like coming home after a long journey.

We talked, looking into each others’ eyes.  I think this was the first opportunity we had to do so where he wasn’t wearing his glasses and I wasn’t wearing sunglasses.  I still liked to look at his eyes and there was a pleasure knowing he was enjoying doing the same with me.  He kissed me a few times.  Each time it was more and more difficult to stop kissing him.  I have tried to explain his kisses in the past and failed miserably.  Every kiss made me want it to lead to another, despite the emotions were calm and cool.  It’s not that there weren’t emotions, it’s just that they seemed to be relaxed, as if they would have forever to feel this way and that they weren’t in any hurry.  Again, that doesn’t make much sense.

We made our way to the bedroom again.  I had made sure to leave a lamp on so there would be lighting, albeit dim.  We kissed for a long time.  Eventually, our clothes started to come off and I actually got to look at his body. Objectively, it wasn’t a perfect body, but then again neither was mine.  It had a scar from his gall bladder being removed.  He had body hair.  He didn’t have a six-pack.  But I didn’t care because it was his.  One of the best things things about him in bed is that his enjoyment is obvious.  There is nothing so sexy as a guy who so clearly enjoys things, at least, in my opinion

I was a little nervous having sex with him, but it didn’t stop me from orgasming the first time we did it.  In fact, we both orgasmed at the same time.  I had guys who eventually managed to get the timing down for that, but this was the first time we really had sex.  It was rare enough for me to orgasm the first time I was with a guy (I honestly can’t recall if it’s happened before), but I have never managed to do it at the same time as guy the first time we had sex.  We cuddled for a while longer.  I knew he had to leave, but I enjoyed the feel of him too much!  Eventually, he did leave, among kisses and a promise that he would text me when he got home.

I laid awake in bed thinking about my time spent with him, wishing he was still there, and wondering when he would officially be my boyfriend.

Mood – varied

Medatation – none

Saturday June 18, 2016

I awoke early, but kept going back to sleep.  I had offered to help out at a school fundraiser today.  I got out of bed at the last possible minute and drove down there.  I was tired, but somehow had no problems smiling at my students when I ran into them. When I got home, I climbed back into bed and slept more.

I woke up groggy and in a bad brain fog.  I talked with Kyle and he was in the same boat.  We both made an agreement that in 10 minutes we would both be out of bed, dressed, and outside to do some kind of workout.  He went running and I started my walk.  Slowly, but surely, I felt the brain fog dissipate.  If I had gone for a shorter walk, it probably wouldn’t have been as beneficial.

When I got home, I worked on strengthening my core.  I took a break and looked on Facebook.  I knew Carl had gone to a carnival with his father and sister for father’s day.  I saw some pictures posted.  I had known his sister a little in school and remembered her as being a bitch.  Among the pictures, there was one with him posed with another woman.  And she was closer to him in that picture than his sister was to him in another one.  I felt jealous.  I felt disappointed.  I felt uneasy about whatever it was I had with Carl.  I mean, we never stated that we were exclusive.  But he treated me like a girlfriend online.  He was always asking how I was, calling me beautiful, and just being sweet, in general.  I didn’t think I had cause to question it until now.  I knew his schedule was busy, but what if it was just because he was seeing other women too?

I decided to be rational about it.  I asked who he had gone to the carnival with.  He responded that he went with his father and sister and that they ran into a bunch of friends while they were there.  Dammit.  I was going to have to go there.  I told him I saw the pics on Facebook and told him the one had made me feel a little jealous.  That still didn’t procure the desired reassurance.  He was simply flattered that I’d be jealous.  I finally told him I had hoped for some reassurance, so he mentioned that she was just a friend of his and his sisters.

This made me think.  Since we clearly aren’t exclusive, how do I find out if he wants to be exclusive with me? I tried a few times to ask what he wanted from me and his response was always “To spend time with you.”  I tried asking for specifics and that was all he replied.  I think he feels the same way, but I’m afraid of asking him and looking foolish.  Or even worse, to have him tell me that he doesn’t feel that way about me.

Suddenly all of my fears with him returned tenfold.  What if he really was an asshole? What if he hurts me?  What if he fucks me up worse than my ex-husband did? I laid down with these thoughts still bouncing around in my mind.  Eventually, I went to sleep.

Mood – varied

Meditation – walking 40 minutes

Friday June 17, 2016

I awoke so late and with so little motivation that it was surprising that I managed to get to work on time. I did.  I spent a lot of the day tying up loose ends and completing the checklist that was given to all of the teachers to complete by the end of the school year.  I got everything done by noon.  Then I worked on my book.  It really is nearing completion finally. All I have left to do is one final read-through before I send it to Steve.  He knows about this project and has offered to read the manuscript.  He also has told me what the next steps are to getting it published as well.

There came a point where I needed a break.  I stopped to chat with the music teacher and ended up telling her about Carl.  She suggested that I go for it.  She said that there is no better love than the unshakable love of someone who has cared for you for almost 20 years now.  I didn’t stop to argue that he had been with other women and that I wasn’t sure how unshakeable his love was.  But she did tell me that it was the best love in the world.  Then I played her the recording of him singing.  She was so impressed that she said she could fall in love with that voice.  She seemed so enthusiastic for him and for our happiness together that it really led me to hope again.  I really did hope there was something in all of this.  Then she asked to see his picture.  Another teacher was around and she looked too.  The other teacher looked, was silent, and walked away.  The music teacher said, “He’s not bad,” and changed the subject.  “He’s not bad!?”  I know he’s not what people think of as good-looking.  But that doesn’t matter to me.  His goodness, his sweetness, his ability to cheer me up, to make me laugh, his singing, and sometimes to give me a hard time was all overlooked by a comment of “He’s not bad.”  I then realized that of course that’s all they had to judge by.  But I didn’t.  I didn’t care if they didn’t think he was good-looking.  His soul was far more beautiful than any mere looks could make him.  I contented myself with that thought.

After work, I had plans to meet some friends for a small party in the woods.  We were going to have a bonfire, s’mores, hot dogs, that kind of thing.  I also realized that they lived near where Carl works.  I decided to leave early in hopes I could meet Carl for dinner.  I texted him just as I left.  I was more than halfway there before I got  a response.  He couldn’t.  He had to go home and make food.  His sister was visiting and they were going to be doing something for his father for father’s day on Saturday.  I was disappointed, so I showed up to the party early.

Christine was the only one there and she had only just arrived.  I helped her carry things out to our spot.  I wandered off, chose a rock to sit on, and meditated while she got the fire ready.  It took a while to calm the inner dialogue, but it finally did calm down.  I stayed and meditated longer.  Our group was all there by the time I decided to stop and join them.  I felt calmer, more peaceful.  And then I realized for the first time in over a month, the pang of longing in my heart was gone.  And it felt empty, like I was missing something.  I thought about it.  Did I still care for Carl?  Yes. I certainly did.  I couldn’t explain it, but I was happy to not have emotions of that power welling up inside me when there was nothing I could do about them. It is very difficult to feel so much and be able to do so little.

I got home rather late.  Instead of going to bed, I decided to play my guitar for a while, in anticipation of accompanying Carl’s voice on Sunday.  I sent him a message saying I expected him to be asleep and wished him to have a good night.  I was surprised to see a message from him an hour later.  He was at the movies.  Cooking had only taken two hours.  I asked myself why he couldn’t have met me for dinner then?   I was too tired at that point to really do the question any justice with analyzations.  I went to bed.

Mood – Calm/Up

Meditation – 60 minutes or so