January 30, 2015

Last night right before bed, I started showing signs of depression.  Because I have had to deal with depression for so long and because I have been fluctuating between depressed and content a lot in recent years, I knew the signs that depression was creeping up on me.  That’s what depression does for me.  It doesn’t smack me in the face with a depressive episode, but taunts me quietly with the belief that my life is horrible and nobody likes me.  It usually just starts with one aspect of my life and snowballs from there into an avalanche of misery.

I hadn’t heard from Bryan all day yesterday.  Normally, I would have just assumed that he was busy or something came up to keep him from contacting me in some way.  Instead I actually questioned his affection.  If anyone saw him when we were together, there would be absolutely no room for doubt in his affection for me, so I knew that it was a sign of depression.  I stayed up later than usual to keep myself from thinking myself into a worse depression and fell asleep with the tv on, which is something I very rarely do.  This morning, I e-mailed Bryan and asked him if we were still spending time together today because I hadn’t heard from him the day before.  His return e-mail set my mind at ease, thus staving off the depression.  For now.

Today was a long day at work. They do an odd sort of open house where the parents come in and observe you teaching. This struck me as odd because there were schools where I previously taught that actively prevented parents from observing classes. While they were observing my class, two parents pulled out their cell phones and started to video the kids. Not me, but the students. I’m guessing they liked the lesson and what the kids were doing. I was surprised I jumped to that conclusion, to be honest. Because of so much going on at the beginning of the day, the rest of my workday dragged on. I was glad when it ended!

I went to the chiropractor and then to Bryan’s place. Bryan seemed to be concerned about getting to know each other because whenever we’re together all he wants to do is kiss me and touch me. I don’t understand what’s wrong with that considering we have phone conversations and some of those conversations last for hours. So we watched a new tv show we both enjoyed and I tried to keep him from kissing me “too much”. He also invited some of his friends over so that kept us apart for most of the night.

My back started REALLY hurting a few hours after the chiropractor.  I have been going to the chiropractor for a few weeks now.  At first, it really hurt when he cracked my back.  They call it an adjustment, but what they do is crack my back.  I couldn’t understand why friends of contentmine actually LIKED going to the chiropractor.  It was PAINFUL.  Then the pain subsided when he cracked my back, but I still am not at the point where I feel relief enough to enjoy going.  I noticed the better pain days were better, but the bad days were still pretty bad.  Now the bad days seem to preface bad weather, but snow is not expected until Sunday.

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Hygiene – I showered, but was so tired that I went to bed without brushing my teeth.

Mood and temperament – I was content, but tired all day.  I didn’t snap at anybody today.

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January 29, 2015

I remembered one of my dreams last night.  I don’t remember them often, so when I do, I like to record them.  I dreamed that I was babysitting two girls.  I woke up and my usual time to go to work, but completely forgot to factor in the time it would take for me to get THEM ready for school.  I freaked out and tried to call their parents.  I got a hold of their dad who told me what I was supposed to do.  Even so, I still was seriously behind and kept feeling like we were running late.

I went to work still feeling sick.  I was “off” all day.  I abandoned most of my lesson plans for something easier for me to teach.  There was a student who was extremely rude that I let off with a warning because I just felt so sick I didn’t feel like going through the paperwork.  I did get through the day with some difficulty.

When I got home, I was too tired to do anything.  A small amount of snow was expected, so I prayed for a snow day.  I pissed away my time watching tv and poking around on the internet.

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Hygiene – I brushed my teeth today and showered yesterday so I was still clean.

Mood and temperament – I was still sick so I can’t say I was good, but I wasn’t bad either.  I didn’t snap at anybody today either.

January 28, 2015

I was sick, but decided to try and to go in to work anyway.  I knew that as a special area teacher, the principal would not bother to get a substitute for me.   I got to my car and it wouldn’t start, so I had to call in sick after all.  I stood out there, opened my hood, attached my jumper cables and waited, hoping for a kind stranger to come my way.  That is the worst part of moving so often.  I didn’t have ANYBODY I felt like I could call that lived anywhere nearby.  I was on the verge of tears as several cars passed by me, but then a nice man stopped.  It didn’t end up working.  While we waited for me car to charge, he was talking to me about how much money he makes from home selling real estate.  It sounded like it was too good to be true, so it probably was.  He gave me his card anyway.  My car wasn’t holding a charge, unfortunately.

Because I was home, Bryan stopped by earlier than he originally intended.  He brought a battery pack and that fixed my problem  My car started right away!  I was not feeling up to doing much, so we ended up spending the rest of the day watching movies and kissing and cuddling.  I still marvel at the fact that I can feel so comfortable with someone I met not so long ago, but I really need to not over think it.  I really am enjoying what we have and would love to continue to enjoy it.

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Hygiene – I showered but didn’t brush my teeth.

Mod and temperament – Seeing as Bryan was the only one I saw all day, my temperament was good.  My mood fluctuated between up because Bryan was around and down because I was sick.  Even so, I did spend most of the time as more neutral.  Not with a blank affect, but neutral.

January 27, 2015

I talked to my ex and my fears were unfounded.  Other than that, there’s not much to record again today.  Due to the weather, the school I work at was closed.  I stayed inside all day and tried to get stuff done despite feeling sick.  I managed enough so that I felt productive.  I AM looking forward to next month when I can start another focus.  I’m glad I started by focusing on something simple by focusing on hygiene.  It seems to have worked.  It took a while, but I’m finding that my hygiene HAS improved.  I haven’t brushed my teeth this often in my life!

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Hygiene – I brushed my teeth today but was still feeling too under the weather to shower.

Mood and temperament – I am not sure what my mood was today.  It kinda just ended up as apathetic. It was odd.  Usually I can classify my moods.  Maybe it’s just because I’m sick.  I don’t know.

January 26, 2015

I woke up tired and groggy.  I only had a half day at school due to the impending storm.  I was grateful because my back really hurt and I was really tired.  My voice started sounding scratchy and it dropped in pitch.  By the time I got home, I realized that I was sick.  I spent most of the rest of the night drifting in and out of sleep.  I had hoped to get a bunch of things done with my time, but I really didn’t succeed in doing any of them. So, I gave myself up to being sick in the hopes that if I took it easy for the rest of the day, I would feel well enough to get things done on the following day.

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Hygiene – I did not shower or brush my teeth today.  I woke up late and then blame being sick for not doing it the rest of the day.

Mood and temperament – I really was too tired and sick to even understand how I feel.  I think I was oddly content to take it easy, despite feeling sick.

January 25, 2015

I spent most of the day feeling tired and out of it.  I drank a lot the night before.  My back pain was also really bad.  I had difficulty putting on my jeans this morning.  It could have been what the alcohol did to my body (maybe dehydration) or it could have just been the impending storm.

I really felt blessed to have been able to go on this trip at all considering I really didn’t have the money to pay for it.  My ex shared his room with me.  It’s not anything like you think.  Nothing happened and I didn’t think he wanted anything to happen, so it all worked out well.  I also didn’t pay for the alcohol.  Another set of friends brought the alcohol.  I hate feeling like a freeloader, but it beats being stuck at home without being able to go at all.  This morning I told my ex about Bryan.  He acted so nonchalant that I initially was convinced that everything was fine.  But then I realized he left the room and packed up his things without saying goodbye, so now I kinda wonder.  He was nice enough to pay for the room, but HE dumped ME.  I gave him two weeks to repent his decision, then I moved on.  I am pretty ambivalent on this subject.  I kinda feel like an asshole because he payed for the room.  But he dumped me.  He also never showed any signs of wanting me back.  I honestly thought we were sharing it as friends.

I spent several hours returning home.  Then I received a small heart attack.  A figurative one, not a real one.  I found out that my grades were due tomorrow.  I apparently hadn’t attended the faculty meeting that the due date was announced at.  I hadn’t started them and was rather behind.  As such, I spent the rest of the night trying to finish them.  I finally did and then went to bed.

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Hygiene – I brushed my teeth and had showered the day before, so I didn’t see a need to shower again.

Mood and temperament – I was pretty blah, probably from the fact that I only got 4 hours of sleep and mildly hung over.  I wasn’t unhappy, but I was rather out-of-it.

January 24, 2015

This morning I awoke singing “A Thousand Years”.  I really didn’t know much of the song other than the chorus, but I thought it was interesting.  I also dreamed that I was a detective that had a lot of fun with two young girls helping me solve mysteries.  Perhaps I was just over-analyzing, but I wondered if the girls in the dream were meant to be Bryan’s kids.

I know the fact that I have snapped at one person all year may not seem like a big deal to those who are reading this (and I am actually surprised that I have a few followers already).  However, I have had a lot of people in my life complain about my snapping at people when I’m tired, stressed or frazzled.  It doesn’t happen often, but it tends to happen at just the wrong time or just the wrong way.  I have had both friends and boyfriends complain about it and I have lost some of both because of it.  I figured it needed to be addressed.  I’m not quite sure how yet, but I snapped at someone else last night after I wrote my blog.  Someone who I knew as an acquaintance walked by me and poked me in the stomach.  I greatly dislike being randomly touched by anyone other than whoever I am dating or the closest of friends.  I’ll give conciliatory hugs to really touchy people, but that’s it.  So anyway, I snapped at her and told her not to touch me.  I need to figure out what is causing this and what I can do to fix it.  The emotion that accompanies it is often annoyance, which I am usually pretty good at fielding.  This morning someone behind me on line kept hitting me with his elbow.  I said something before I got angry about it, but wondered why I got instantly angry with the one and not the other.  I need to think through this and possibly do some research.  That’s why I’m working on my temperament.

I had a good day, overall.  I got to see many friends, some of which I haven’t seen in awhile.  There are a few people who were once good friends and are now not.  They didn’t agree with the way I handled a situation with one of my exes and now they don’t like me anymore.  I suppose that one could argue that they were never really my friend to begin with.  I don’t like having anyone at odds with me, but there really wasn’t anything I could do about it.  I can’t change the past.  All I can really do is make sure to not let them get to me.  I did have a good day.  I made some new friends, hung out with old ones, and got to know several acquaintances better.

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Hygiene – Good!  I both showered and brushed my teeth today!

Mood and temperament – Also good.  I was happy throughout the day and I didn’t snap at anyone and treat them unkindly!

January 23, 2015

I don’t know why, but I was really tired today.  I was still able to complete my work tasks, but it took a lot more energy than usual to actually seem like the person I usually am with no effort.  I really need to start to make a point of getting to bed on time.

I was going on a road trip with some friends after work.  I snapped at my one friend for a stupid reason.  I immediately recognized it for what it was and tried to rectify it as quickly as I could.  He thankfully didn’t seem to take offense to it and I was able to alter my brief anger to become remorse relatively quickly to prevent it from occurring again.  The rest of the ride went smoothly and we had a LOT of fun!

We got to the hotel and it was SO NICE seeing so many of my old friends!  I really was happy from such a good drive and a reunion with friends!  And then I ran into my ex.  And he things between us were so awkward that my mood just plummeted.  So I called up Bryan and we talked for over 2 hours!!! We had SUCH a good conversation!  I’m starting to like him more and more as I get to know him better!

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Hygiene – I showered but didn’t brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament – My mood mostly fluctuated between up and happy today with a brief period of down.  Wow, that kinda sounds like a weather forecast.  Anyway, my temperament was not as good having snapped at my friend.

January 22, 2015

I had a really good day today.  I got a lot done at work, even with midterms and grades due soon.  I had a great rehearsal after work.  I spent the evening getting stuff done and enjoying my time spent with my cats.  I know this makes for a boring entry, but there’s really not much else for me to say about my day.

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Hygiene – I brushed my teeth, but I did not shower and I was overdue for a shower.

Mood and temperament – My mood was happy.  My temperament was also good, even though I did get a “talking to” by a few people in my life today.  It was just about stupid things, so I tried to let it roll off of me.  But it occurred to me to blog about it, so I guess that means I didn’t succeed.

January 21, 2015

I can almost always gauge my mood based on how I react to other people.  I started getting back into my happiness yesterday.  Maybe “happiness” isn’t the best word for it.  It could be enlightenment, contentment, or any other word of your choice.  I use the word “happiness” because it is an ideal state for me.  Here is a scale I came up with to show how my mood based on how I react to other people.

Majorly depressed – Nobody likes me, I hate how I feel, I want to hurt myself.
Depressed – Nobody likes me, I hate how I feel.
Down – Nobody likes me.
Neutral – I am apathetic to other people.
Up – I can feel loving feelings toward younger kids.
Happy – I can feel loving feelings towards kids, my older students, and adults.
Majorly happy – I can feel loving feelings toward everyone, even the people who cut me off in traffic or have wronged me in the past.

I realized that the scale kind of sounds pedophile-ish. It’s not that way at all. It’s the same loving feelings that one would feel towards cute puppies and kittens. For some reason, little kids are easier to feel love towards than adults. I don’t mean romantic love. I mean a platonic love that one feels for everyone and everything when they’re truly happy. Maybe it’s just because I work with kids or like working with the little ones better than the older ones due to their sense of wonder or excitement in everything. I don’t know why. I also think that it’s sad that I have to make this statement about not being a pedophile.

I saw Bryan again tonight.  This time I went to his place.   I was very excited about the state of it.  It was furnished simply with simple decor.  And it was CLEAN.  Not the kind of rushed clean that most guys will pull off when they find out someone is coming over the next day.  This is the kind of clean that indicates that it USUALLY looks that way!    He complained that we’re not really getting to know each other all that well because we spend all our time kissing each other.  I quite agree.  But we still couldn’t help it!  We may have to schedule actual dates just to make sure we’re getting to know each other.  It’s so odd that I feel so comfortable with someone I didn’t know existed two weeks before.  He complained several times that he didn’t want me to leave.  It was sweet, but a little disconcerting.  He was worried that things were moving too fast between us.  He talked about how his ex had moved in after 3 weeks.  Even though I didn’t say anything, most of the guys I had lived with had moved in with me within a month.  I assured him that wouldn’t happen because my lease wasn’t up until September!   I will just need to make sure that everything else between us moves slowly!

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Hygiene – I brushed my teeth, but I showered yesterday, so I wasn’t due to shower yet.

Mood and temperament – My mood was up.  I like that I created a mood scale for myself so it’s easier to determine how I am doing.  My temperament was also good with no real issues in how I treated people.