December 30, 2015

I awoke early to pack and leave for my other sister’s house. She lives 4 hours away and only had a small break in her work schedule, so I really didn’t get to see her for very long. I wanted to leave early to make the most of it. I avoided smoking on the trip, but ended up loading up on food instead.

When I got there, we exchanged presents. I loved mine, but she seemed concerned that I spent more than she did. Honestly, I maybe spent $35 on each of them (her and her spouse), so I don’t know what she was concerned about. The two DVDs and book I got had to cost at least $35. But they had more items to open, so I guess that was the concern. I don’t understand the whole idea of gift inequality. Last year I barely bought them anything, mostly regifting what my students bought me. I think we should just spend what we want or what we have and nobody should care. I know I don’t.

We went to the movies and saw the new Star Wars movie. Just a warning, some vague spoilers are ahead. I have a theory that the main protagonist and the main antagonist are twins, but we probably won’t find out until the next movie. We discussed the surprising death scene. We also discussed how parts of the plot seemed to be taken from movies 4, 5, and 6. But we all liked the choice of protagonists, one being black, one being a woman, and we debated whether the third was Hispanic. They thought he was, I didn’t agree.

We got back and were eating Chinese take-out when Diego began texting me. We started discussing our plans for New Years Eve. He didn’t want to take me away from my friends. I explained that they changed the date of their gathering to Friday night (which they did) because I wasn’t the only one to back out. I told him I wanted to do something different. That I was tired of just going to dinner at his cousin’s resturant and watching movies at my apartment. I suggested seeing a movie in the theatre or maybe an arcade. I then had to explain what an arcade was. In the end, we agreed to go to a different resturant for New Years Eve and to an arcade on Saturday.

Our conversation changed to be about sex. He talked about how the richest and most sacred in the world is making love with the person you like. And while I think it’s a beautiful sentiment, I believe there are other beautiful and sacred things that aren’t sex related. Especially when he went on to say that sex was the only thing that made him forget the bad things in his life. Something in that struck a chord with me. I told him that if sex is the only thing that makes him happy, that’s sad. I went on to say that couples should create a connection through conversation, cuddling, sex, and other shared experiences. He then said he had a problem with what I said. After 20 minutes of texts, I finally tried to call him, but he didn’t pick up. I felt sad, upset, and I really wanted a cigarette. He was making food and video-called me when he was done. My sister has a small apartment, so I went  outside to talk. Apparently he thought that I said that talking about sex made me sad! Wow!

It got cold outside, so I took him back inside. I warned him that my sister was in the room. I spoke in Spanish more often than usual, because I knew she wouldn’t understand. He was very amused because I was making sexual references through food in Spanish, but he couldn’t return in kind. We talked about some trivial things for a while. He asked me about smoking and I was proud to say that I hadn’t had a cigarette today!  After we hung up my sister gave me her unasked for opinion on Diego.  She said he sounds really nice, that we really seemed to get each other, and that when he called me “Sweetie” she could tell that he really cares about me. I realized that was the first time he “met” anybody that I really know. It was good to have a second opinion about him. And I was appreciative that it was a positive opinion too!

We hung out and talked for a while longer. We discussed several things. We talked about our exes, Star Wars, Diego, other movies, books, etc. We had both done the same thing for our honeymoon, so we compared notes. I remembered that I hadn’t even had sex on my honeymoon. That my ex-husband was already deeming many other things important than spending time in intimacy with me. Given Diego’s interest in wanting it, possibly too much, I will take that over the not enough that most of my other exes provided.

My sister went to her room to work on something and I quickly drifted off to sleep.

———————–
Today I gave up smoking cigarettes.

Today I’m grateful for getting to spend time with my sister, giving much appreciated presents, and getting to see the Star Wars movie.

I gave gifts.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $20 on food.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was not showered or brushed my teeth today.

I was mostly in a good mood today, except for my misunderstanding with Diego. My temperament was good.

December 29, 2015

I had a goal of continuing to try to get things done today. When I awoke, I started early. I did dishes, cleaned up after my cats, straightened up, attempted to meditate, sent some work emails, and watered my plants.

I also wrote a blog post asking my readers some questions about their preferences for the future of this blog. I had asked for comments with their opinion. I think that it was the only time I had ever asked for comments. I received several likes, but was disappointed that only two people commented.

It was freezing rain outside and I was waiting until it let up before visiting my youngest sister. I also exercised. I bought one of those women’s magazines and tried to follow the workout within, but only managed to get halfway through before having to stop. I know I put on weight a while ago, but when did I get so it off shape? I resolved to keep doing it until I got better at it.

Finally the freezing rain turned into train and I went to go visit my sister. We exchanged presents and I was very pleased to see that her daughter played with her present right away! It was good getting to spend time with them, and my little niece.

While I was there, I read a lengthy comment from Chrysalis. My blog was praised, I was told that this blog was relatable, and that if we lived closer, we’d probably be friends. That meant a lot to me. I also appreciated the many compliments to my character and my progress throughout the year. I continued reading and my relationships were criticized. I understood it, and agreed with a lot of what was said. I tried to reply, but I was at my sister’s house and I don’t think I explained the relationships portion fully. I wanted to address that here.

Sometime in August or September, I realized my problem with relationships. I felt the need for a man in my life to be complete. It was likely because I didn’t have a father who was around much growing up. So I did the hardest thing I could think of and gave up dating for a while. It was especially difficult because I wanted kids and my biological clock was ticking. By the end of the first month, I had almost convinced myself that I didn’t want to date anyone. By the second month, I had convinced myself and was actually happy being single. I even wondered how I would find the time to fit in a boyfriend. Then I found myself become increasingly sexually attracted to Juan, who was married. I prayed for a guy so I didn’t end up sleeping with Juan. Then Diego showed up and asked me out.

I didn’t like Diego at first. Mainly because Juan had told me that Diego didn’t like me and my pride was hurt. I couldn’t figure out why Diego asked me out if he didn’t like me, but I mainly said yes to distract me from Juan. As soon as Diego walked into the restaurant on our first date, I realized that he did like me. He had dressed up, cleaned up, and looked better than I had ever seen him. I went through a number of doubts with him, and still do. I write about then less now, I guess. There are moments when I wonder what I’m doing with him, whether I really love him, etc. I chalked it up to trust issues because I had been hurt so many times. In the past it didn’t help that I tended to fall hard and fast. With Diego, I did not fall hard. I fell in fits and starts. And there were even times when I still wonder about us.

Then, in the comment, Diego’s religious rigidity and insistence on sex were brought up. I agreed that his religious views might be a problem in the future. And while I mostly like his insistence on sex, I could see how it may also cause problems in the future, even though when I give him a firm “no”, he honors it.

On my two hour drive home from my sisters house, I thought about all of this and got depressed. Because of that, I finished my pack of cigarettes, telling myself that I was going to quit again tomorrow. I wondered if maybe our cultural differences were too great, if I was losing myself in him, if he would ever even want to settle down and have kids with me. Even so, whenever I tried to think about his flaws, I really couldn’t find much except for the religious issue and the fact that he may not want to settle down.

When I got home, I texted with Diego a bit, but my heart wasn’t in it. He then placed a video call where he requested to see several body parts. I told him I was too cold, which it was. I also think that I was too worried about losing myself that I wanted to tell him no for the sake of telling him no. I told him I would try to quit smoking again tomorrow. He called me a liar and said I wouldn’t do it. If he didn’t understand the perversity of my nature, he had fantastic instincts. I resolved to prove him wrong the next day.

When we hung up, I felt very confused about things with him. I prayed for some guidance when I slept. Then I drifted off to sleep.
———————–
Today I gave up my confusion about my relationship.

Today I’m grateful for seeing my youngest sister and her family, giving a good present, and having many people like my blog post.

I was content with the gifts I was given, even though my sister was worried because they spent much less than I did.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $22 on gas

I slept for about 8 hours last night.

I meditated for 10 minutes today.

I exercised today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I cleaned but did not straighten today.

I did not shower or brush my teeth today.

I was mostly in a good mood today, excepting my evening depression depression. My temperament was good.

December 28, 2015

I slept until I woke up on my own.  It was only until about 7:30, but it felt amazing!  I had a lot to do today.  I drove to my bank, made a number of important phone calls that I had been putting off, and caught up with some friends on facebook.  While I was on hold, I started eating some of the cookies that my family had given me.  A few hours later, depression hit.  Why can’t I just remember that sugar and flour directly affect my mood?  I didn’t finish anything else that I set out to do today.

I finished catching up on my blogs.  When I got to yesterday, I really got depressed writing about my father, messing up with Diego, and even the issues I had with the leader of my hiking group.  On Facebook, I chatted with Kevin, Zak, and that married guy who I was briefly sleeping with.

I started to contemplate the future of this blog.  I decided to create  a website, a facebook page, and a facebook group.  Facebook wouldn’t let me join as “depressimatic me” so I had to come up with a true false name.  After a lot of thought, I came up with Ingrid Ruysch.  Ruysch is a common Dutch surname that means the sound of wind or water.  Ingrid was the name of a character in a favorite novel of mine.  I also liked that the name I chose was unique.  I also decided to leave the name “Depressimatic Me” behind now that it seems my experiment was a success.  I decided to call the website and facebook group “Unearthing Happiness”.  I liked the implication that we all have happiness underneath and that we just had mounds of shit covering it.  I was a happy child when I was very young, but somewhere along the way, I lost it.  I feel like almost all of us, except those of us with the most severe mental illnesses were happy as children.  That means that our natural state is happiness and that we need to find it again, to unearth it from all of the shit that we piled on top of it over the years.

I was also contemplating the remainder of my week.  Tomorrow I’m spending the day at my nearest sister’s house.  Wednesday, I’m going to visit my other sister and spend the night there.  Thursday, I’m staying over Rachel’s house.  Friday, I was invited to spend the night for a special program at the retreat center.  It seemed like not only a lot of traveling, but I worried about my cats.  They are both getting old, being 14 and 16 years old.  Sure, I had planned to return to feed them and scoop the litter, but I still felt like that many nights and days in a row was a long time to be gone.  My older cat’s fur is starting to mat up.  It’s like my cat isn’t taking care of himself anymore.  I know I undertook the responsibility for them both when I got them, but I had expected to be better financially able to take care of them.  I wish I could afford a vet right now.  I’m starting to worry about my older cat. I also think my younger cat might have a UTI with the amount of pee I have had to clean up on a daily basis.

It got to be pretty late when I realized that I hadn’t heard from Diego yet today.  I knew he worked today, so I assumed that he was busy.  I texted him to see what he was doing.  I asked about his day and he asked about mine.  He seemed very disappointed in the fact that he wouldn’t see me again until Saturday.  Because my Spanish wasn’t that great, I called Diego to speak in English about it.  Combined with the fact that I’d love to kiss him at midnight on New Years Eve and that I was worried about leaving my cats alone for so long, I decided to cancel on Rachel.  She only lives an hour away, so it’s easier to go visit her.  The other invitations I really couldn’t cancel.  And it put me at home for almost a full 24 hours to spend time with my cats.  I wondered if I was breaking a cardinal relationship rule about cancelling plans to be with him or if I was already predisposed to break those plans because of my cats. Why was it that I couldn’t make a decision like this without questioning it soon afterwards?

As Diego and I hung up, he told me he loved me.  While he often uses several endearments like “sweetie,” “mi amor” (my love), “mi corozon” (my heart), and “mi vida” (my life), he rarely tells me that he loves me.  All of my past boyfriends, once they had said they loved me, said it daily or even more often.  “I love you” ended every phone call and accompanied every parting.  It also was often blurted out during sex and at random moments when I said or did something they greatly appreciated.  Diego, on the other hand, does not say it that often.  While it bothered me at first, I think I prefer it this way.  That way, when I do hear it, it means more.  I think with overuse, the phrase loses it’s meaning.

———————–
Today I gave up the need to finish my to do list and worked on something that might give me personal satisfaction instead.

Today I’m grateful for getting things done, my cats, and my friends.

I decided that instead of making money off of a book, that I would help people by giving away the information for free.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $10 on food and $2 on tolls

I slept for about 8 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was showered but did nor brush my teeth today.

I was mostly in a good mood today, excepting my afternoon depression due to foods I shouldn’t have eaten. My temperament was good.

What now?

As the year is drawing to a close, I feel like my experiment has been a success. While there is still a lot of room for improvement, I feel like my original goal of being happier has been met. It’s true that I still don’t always keep up with my hygiene, my diet, and some of the other goals that I set for myself, but the main goal of being happier has been achieved.

So my question is what do I do now? My original intention was to write a book about my experiences and outline steps to take each month to help other people to hopefully achieve what I have achieved. I still may write that book, but I don’t feel like that will help people enough. I suppose I am being a bit arrogant in assuming that people would listen to me. But since my experiment worked, I wanted to share what I learned with others. I also feel like others will need a way to be held accountable as well as having a support network. That is something that a book cannot do. I am considering creating either a website or Facebook group designed to help other people follow similar steps to help themselves, also with a support network. Is this something that people would be interested in? Please comment and let me know!

Also, I have been debating what I should do with my blog once the year is over. As much as I enjoyed writing about my daily life, there are a number of reasons why I feel like it would be freeing to stop. It’s sometimes been tough to write every day when I felt like I had so much else to do. I find that now as the year is coming to an end, most of my entries got longer. I also felt a little bad about discussing some of the more personal things about my friends, family, and relationships, even though I tried to change enough names and facts to make them difficult to identify. I could still write when I was dealing with something particularly troubling in my life. Or I could write about other things. I found a 30 day blogging challenge that I might attempt. Or I could post memes and articles about each months focus. Again, please comment and let me know what you think and what you’d like to see me write about. I’ll look forward to hearing from all of you!

December 27, 2015

I hit the snooze button for over an hour before I forced myself to get up. I barely had time to get dressed and feed the cats before I left to meet my father for breakfast. Although I expressed my interest in sending more time with him, they already had plans to spend all of Saturday with my stepsister. I didn’t see how they couldn’t fit me in or invite me to join them. I’m not going to lie, I was a bit hurt. They suggested breakfast at 7am because they were driving back home early in the morning.

I got there and we ate. The conversation seemed strained. Every time I mentioned Diego, they had absolutely no comment and there was just an awkward silence as they came up with a change of topic. There wasn’t much else new in my life to talk about since my job seems to be basically the same thing every year. It’s pretty subtle, but I’m starting to think that they were just going through the motions and they really didn’t care about me. They liked to buy me things, but didn’t have much of an interest in spending time with me. To be fair, my father was pretty absent during my childhood, mostly to avoid my mother. Then after my parents split up, he went through a second adolescence and we spent a lot of time drinking together. Then he got married and I entered the working world several hours away. I suppose I never really got to know him. My stepmom always seemed so nice and sweet, but given that they did something similar to one of my sisters, blowing her off too to spend time with my stepsister, maybe she wasn’t so nice. Maybe I should stop having illusions about my relationship with my dad and not get emotional about it.

Afterwards, I went to Chandra’s house. We meditated and I helped her with a few things. She also gave me a gift. I felt bad that I didn’t have anything for her. I resolved to make her something, but I didn’t know quite what. It felt good to meditate for so long again. It also felt good to help her.

When I got home, I had a conference call with my weight loss group. Then I straightened up and cleaned my apartment. It wasn’t perfect, but it was comparatively better than what it was after so much neglect. I was paying my bills and realized I hadn’t heard from Diego. It was already 3:30 and I hadn’t heard from him. When he responded, I told him I needed to shower then we’d get together.

Once I saw him, it became clear that I had misunderstood something that he wrote yesterday. I was supposed to contact him when I was ready to hang out today. He had waited for me almost all day and even picked out a seafood resturant to take me to for lunch. He wanted until 3:00pm to hear from me than ate a very late lunch. I felt so bad, but I had definitely not had interpreted his Spanish texts to mean he meant. I felt bad for about 15 minutes, but was able to get over it in favor of enjoying his company. Even so, writing about it, I’m feeling bad again, even though I truly didn’t understand his text and didn’t know any better!

I had such a good time with Diego tonight! While I was making myself food (he wasn’t hungry, having eaten lunch so late), he came from behind and held me around my waist. I don’t know why, but I love it when guys do that. We had a number of laughs together too. I think we’re either getting to know each other well enough or understand each other enough to share jokes. Don’t get me wrong, some of our word plays are still lost on each other due to the language gap and cultural differences. For example, when telling me that my hands were frozen, I started singing “Let it Go”. Not understanding my joke, he let go of my hands. Then I had to explain my joke, taking all the fun out of it.

We watched the latest Avengers movie, cuddling up on the couch. About halfway though the movie, I decided to explain that Thor was originally a Norse god before he was a comic book hero. I went on to say that Scandinavia is primarily Christian these days. I maybe should have mentioned that I didn’t really worship Thor, but it didn’t occur to me.  Diego surprisingly went on and on about how there was only one God and how he sent his son Jesus to earth to forgive us of our sins. I had previously told him about my beliefs, which are more spiritual than any given religion. With this outburst/lecture, I wondered just how much of my original explanation he heard or understood. I tried to interrupt him and said that we both believe different things and that okay. He still continued, so I focused on the movie until he stopped talking. I wondered if he would ever allow me to believe something different than him, even though he claims what someone else believes isn’t important. Just as a note, my family celebrates Christmas more as a cultural holiday than a religious one.

I had an otherwise great night with Diego. Once the stress of the holidays had ended, I think I was finally able to relax, have fun, and enjoy being with him. We had sex, of course, and he left. He doesn’t want to stay over when he works the next day. I fell asleep contentedly around 10:30.

———————–
Today I gave up needing to believe in the same thing as Diego.

Today I’m grateful for getting things done and seeing my friend, my dad, and my boyfriend.

I did not do any acts of kindness that I remember.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $4 on DVD rentals.

I slept for about 3 hours last night.

I meditated today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I cleaned and straightened today.

I was showered and brushed my teeth today.

I was mostly in a good mood today. My temperament was good.

December 26, 2015

I discovered the truth I was wondering about last night far sooner than I expected. I was still feeling a bit sick and felt like sleep was necessary for my complete recovery. Diego tried to wake me up (twice) in the middle of the night for sex. All I remember was giving him a firm “no”, rolling over, and going back to sleep. We still had some good sex in the morning after I woke up.

After he left, I considered the problems I had with my past partners with the lack of sex after awhile. I reasoned that it was partially my own fault. I often got in a mood or caught up with some project that I deemed more important than sex. I liked how Diego was so insistent that it kept me on track with what was really important when I saw him, spending quality time with him. I wondered how long it would last.

After Diego left, I read for awhile, debating going back to sleep. Eventually, around noon, I did sleep. I woke up and it was already 4pm! I texted with Diego a bit and he complained that I didn’t want sex as much as he did. I told him I don’t like sex when I’m tired. He suggested getting together tomorrow afternoon. I liked the idea of switching up our normal routine a bit and happily agreed.

I was disappointed about having slept so long because I felt like I had so many things to do over the break and wanted to catch up on them at once. Instead, I laid out a plan. I identified 7 things I should do every day. Then I took my random number generator app and figured out which to focus on. I did everything except straighten and clean. I even exercised! For the first time in months, I did that yoga dvd that did such good things for my back. I tried to go to sleep, but sleep eluded me for a long time. I finally drifted off around 1:30am.

———————–
Today I gave up my need to complete my to do list in favor of resting my body, which I must have needed.

Today I’m grateful for getting a plan to get my stuff done, a chance to rest, and waking up next to Diego.

I did not do any acts of kindness today, that I remember.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $5 on groceries, $2 on thank you cards, and $10 on a salad.

I slept for about 6 hours last night and 4 hours this afternoon.

I meditated for about 10 minutes today.

I did 30 minutes of yoga today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was showered but did not brush my teeth today.

I was mostly in a good mood today, despite being so tired. My temperament was good.

December 25, 2015

I awoke early. I got everything together and left for my mom’s house, thankful that she, too was a morning person. I got there and, as usual, had more pleasure giving than receiving. She did get me very generous presents, but I just like giving them better. While she cooked, I worked on Diego’s scarf.

Then that uncle showed up. At least he didn’t go on about immigrants again. He went on about the “War on Christmas” in schools. Having taught in 7 different public schools around the state and done my Masters thesis on religion in public schools, I thought I was more than qualified to comment on his blatent untruths. My mom stopped me from saying he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I realized he wouldn’t listen if I did say anything.

Instead, I’m going to say it here. In every school I have worked in, Christmas trees were displayed, often next to menorahs. Prayer was allowed, but was not allowed to be led by staff members. That way each kid could pray in his or her own way, rather than whatever religion the teacher happened to be. And I have known teachers that were Catholic, Morman, Jewish, Atheist, Pagan, Native, Muslim, and everything in between. Believe me, its better this way. I have had to work with kids in every school to make “holiday presents” for their families, even though it was almost always too late for the Jewish students to give them as Hanukkah gifts (the timing is usually dictated by my boss). The “Winter Concert” usually contains all Christmas songs that do not include the religious aspects of the holiday and sometimes have a “token” Hanukkah song. Sure, this isn’t the ideal celebration of Christmas for the serious die-hard Christians out there, but it’s far from a war on Christmas. If you want teacher-led prayers, religious training, and religious songs in a “Christmas Concert”, you should pay for parochial school. It is your right to do so because of the freedom of religion. Remember, the freedom of religion is intended so that everyone can practice the beliefs they like, not so that one belief system is forced on others. A true “War on Christmas” would include people being arrested or killed for having a Christmas tree, so please stop saying what isn’t true.

Okay, I’ll get off my soapbox now. Diego pushed me further to give up smoking by saying that he didn’t think I could. Ha! He was learning my contrary nature enough to say the thing most likely to work. I immediately wanted to prove him wrong! I got a lot further on Diego’s scarf but did not finish it. It’s maybe four feet long. I gave up and bought some scratch off tickets for him, just so he’d have something to open from me at Christmas. I told him about it, but told him it wasn’t done. He didn’t get me anything, but I counted that necklace as a Christmas present and didn’t really care that he had nothing for me to unwrap. I had unwrapped plenty today and yesterday from my parents. We watched a movie, but I fell asleep, having pushed myself so hard to wrap presents, finish cookies, finish his scarf, etc. the past few days.

After the movie, he wanted to go to bed. I should have known that meant sex. He was pretty pushy about it. I wasn’t dead set against it, but wondered how he’d take a firm “no”. I didn’t have the mind to give it, because he got me in the mood after all. But there was a point where I wondered how far he would go. I wondered if he was the guy for me because of this.

Afterwards, he told me that in his country, sex had a personal value. That people only did it with others they cared about. Unlike me who has sex with my friends when I’m single and I’m feeling horny, I alluded. I wondered if that was just because with no birth control, everyone had to be careful because of who you may have kids with. Diego said if he slept over every day, that he’d want it every day. I didn’t think that was necessarily a bad thing, so long as we did it earlier before I fell asleep. I fell asleep contentedly in his arms.

———————–
Today I gave up needing my opinion to be heard, but it was difficult. I also gave up my desire to finish Diego’s scarf before Christmas.

Today I’m grateful for that I was able to hold my tongue when necessary, seeing my mom, and giving gifts.

I gave gifts with no thought of reciprocation.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $6 on tolls.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was showered and brushed my teeth today.

I was mostly in a good mood today. My temperament was good.

December 24, 2015

I awoke early with a lot of back pain. The coughing fits I had made my back spasm and hurt horribly. I was almost in tears. Diego awoke wanting sex. I told him my back hurt, so he tried to get me in the mood. Because it was just easier, I had sex with him. It’s not like he coerced me, to my half-awake brain, it just seemed easier. I told him I had to work on my cookies today and that he was welcome to stay. He left.

I got everything done in time to head to my dad’s hotel. We had a gathering of his relatives there. He has a number of brothers and sisters, resulting in many cousins. Many of those cousins have kids, so there were many people there. Many of them asked about Diego, which was kind. My dad made no inquiries, but that’s like him. I suspect he got attached to one or other of my boyfriends and was disappointed when it didn’t work out. During this gathering, Diego and I were texting on and off about getting together later tonight. One of my cousins actually remarked on how happy I seemed! I guess my efforts have been fruitful if it was noticed by family!

When I got home, I had to finish the cookies for my mom’s gathering tomorrow, clean up the mess my cats made, and wrap the remaining presents. I completed everything and looked at the clock. It was 10:30 and I had not heard back from Diego yet. I texted him. It was past 11:00 when he told me he was ready for me to pick him up. I was exhausted and told him I was too tired for sex. He said he wouldn’t come then. I felt angry and hurt. I interpreted his words as meaning that he only wanted to spend time with me if we’re having sex. He clarified it by stating that if I’m tired, we won’t be able to do anything, talk, watch a movie, etc. By the time we cleared that up, it was 11:30 and I was ready for bed. I offered to come and get him, but he was worried that it would be dangerous for me to drive, as tired as I was. I wanted to sleep together, to wake up on Christmas morning in his arms, but realized that I hadn’t finished knitting his scarf yet. I had hoped to complete it at my mom’s house tomorrow. Maybe it would be better to see him tomorrow night.
———————–
Today I gave up on taking time to heal my cold to stay late at work.

Today I’m grateful for extended family, getting to see my dad, and giving presents.

I gave presents and cookie platters today.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $23 on gas.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was showered but I did not brush my teeth today.

I was in a good mood today. My temperament was good.

December 23, 2015

I slept in until about 8:00. I was feeling better today, but I was not back to 100% yet. I alternated working on knitting Diego’s scarf with various other things I needed to accomplish. My apartment was pretty disgusting after a week of being sick, so I straightened up, caught up on dishes, and cleaned some of the more disgusting areas of my apartment.

It started to get late and I realized that I still hadn’t made Christmas cookies, a family tradition. I made my shopping list, picked up the ingredients, and was working on the first batch of cookies when I heard from Diego via text. He said he didn’t want to see me tonight, even though we had made plans to get together. I asked why and he responded that he didn’t want to. I felt my eyes filling up with tears when he said he was just joking. I told him that I didn’t like that kind of joke and that it made me cry. He asked why and I said that I thought he was serious and it made me sad. Even though he was only joking, I still felt sad when I picked him up.

Spending time with him made that feeling fade, but it took a while. Eventually, all was forgiven and I reveled in his touch, his embrace, and his kisses. We had sex and I fell asleep in his arms.
———————–
Today I gave up the belief that a man needs to be perfect and forgave Diego for his joke.

Today I’m grateful for a day of getting things done, getting a batch of cookies made, and getting to see Diego.

I let in a car who was trying to turn in really backed up traffic.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $146 on cookie supplies, cat food, and cat litter.

I slept for about 8 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I cleaned and straightened today.

I was showered and brushed my teeth today.

I was pretty neutral today except after Diego’s home I was sad, but I think it was good. My temperament was good.

December 22, 2015

I slept late again. I decided to drive to work so I would at least have the time to shower. Even though between yesterday afternoon and last night, I slept close to 10 hours, it still felt like I hadn’t slept at all. I still felt sick. I drove to work wondering how I was going to drag myself through the day.

My morning was rough. I managed to do everything I needed to, it just felt like it took every ounce of energy that I had to do it. I stopped in my classroom before my recess duty and ended up sleeping in my chair for a few minutes. During lunch, I took more of the pills I had bought, even though they didn’t work so well this morning. I was surprised when I actually started to feel better. It almost seemed like my afternoon classes were better than my morning classes, which is never really the case.

I had to stay late at work, but I saw this coming. I at least brought my knitting with me. I was able to work more on the scarf that I’m making Diego. I had hoped to work on it more yesterday, but I spent so much of yesterday sleeping that I hadn’t accomplished much. It’s now long enough to wrap around a head, but not long enough to tie. I am seeing Diego tomorrow night and hope to be finished with it in time. I also have several other things that need to be done, so tomorrow I will have to really buckle down to work to get everything done and, hopefully, the scarf finished too!

———————–
Today I gave up on taking time to heal my cold to stay late at work.

Today I’m grateful for that I was able to get through today, for the gifts my students gave me, and for sleep.

I did nothing kind for others today.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $6 on food.

I slept for about 4 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was showered but I did not brush my teeth today.

I was too sick to discern my mood today, but I think it was good. My temperament was good.