Sunday July 31, 2016

I awoke in pain.  My back, neck, and shoulders were wore and I had sunburn on my back due to my choice in clothing the day before.  Thankfully, Zak and Danielle had some aloe.  Because it was an awkward place to reach, I asked them to help me apply it.  I was surprised when it was Zak and not Danielle who helped me (I had to take my clothes off to get it applied).  I always suspected Zak liked me as more than a friend, but always put it out of my mind because him and Danielle are such good friends and because they’ve been married ever since I’ve known them.  There are times, however, like this, when I still suspect something though.

I finished the last things on my to-do list for my camping space.  Then Aaron helped me set up my solar panel so I could charge my phone.  I chatted with Kyle for a few hours while waiting to meet Evan.  Evan was a guy I hooked up with one night a few years ago right after my husband and I split up.  It had been over a year since I had sex, and Evan was cute enough.  Oddly enough, he kept trying to stay in touch with me over the years, even though he’s engaged now and we never had a repeat sexual performance.  Evan and I went out to eat.  While we had been friends online, we really hadn’t seen each other in person in years.  The conversation was dull.  He talked about magic cards, Pokeman Go, and video games.  All things I had no interest in.  I tried to be kind and waited for it to end.

Afterwards, I walked down to visit my Pennsylvania friends.  I had a good time with them.  Frank was also friendly to me.  I was relieved to not have to deal with any awkwardness there!  I didn’t stay for long because it was getting dark and I was tired.

When I returned to my tent, I chatted with Kyle.  He was talking about next year’s camping/hiking event already.  He had lots of ideas.  It meant a lot that he assumed we’d still be together and that he’d be camping with me!

Relationships – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – varied

Saturday July 30, 2016

When I awoke, my back was sore from overuse, but I could still work with it.  It was muscle pain and I could deal with that.  It was raining out and windy.  I decided to work on the interior of my tent.  I had everything set up on the inside, but there were still a number of things that needed to be done on the outside.  I went into town and bought everything that I thought I needed.

The rain ended so I finished by staking down everything and starting to dig a trench around my tent, in case it rained some more.  My back wasn’t in good shape, so after every four feet or so of digging, I had to take a break and do something else.  I also took a nap in the middle of the day, hoping it would allow my back to heal some more.

I chatted with Kyle as much as I could with a dying phone.  He really wanted to be here.  There was a chance he would be able to come.  If so, I would have to drive 7 hours to pick him up and 7 hours to bring him back.  It would be worth it, though, just to have him here.  I went to sleep, this time on the air mattress, which was significantly much more comfortable!

Relationships – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – neutral

Friday July 29, 2016

I awoke early, did what I could to straighten up my apartment, and left.  The drive was long and uneventful.  In discussing where everyone in the one section of the campground would be camping, one man gave us significant problems.  He is usually the one to cause problems.  I even lost my temper with him and told him off.  Not that it did any good.  We finally got everything squared away around 7:30pm.  It was just enough time to set up my tent before dark.  I was proud of myself because I was able to lift the heavy canvas with the metal frame to put the final tent poles lifting it up all by myself!  My back strength must have improved!  However, since it had been a year since I set up my large tent, I did it incorrectly.  So I had to put it all together again and could not lift it a second time.  I asked Aaron and Zak for help.  They were kind enough to help me.

I emptied the entire car into the tent, unrolled my sleeping bags, and slept on the ground.

Relationships – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – neutral other than when my temper came out, frustrated about my tent

Thursday July 28, 2016

I spent the day getting stuff done.  I took one cat to the vet to update her shots.  Then I took both cats to my mom’s house.  She was kind enough to watch them wile I was gone.  I stayed to eat lunch with them.  My youngest sister and my niece were also visiting, so it was nice to see them again, albeit briefly.

When I got home, all motivation to pack was gone.  I talked to Kyle, who said he missed me, which was sweet.  The big problem was that I really had no desire to go to the camping/hiking event this year.  I had the time and the money, so I decided to go.  And there would also be a few friends that I’d see when I’m there, but that just didn’t seem like a good enough reason to go.  I had so many people whose friendship I questioned and no one to hike with.  Somehow Kyle motivated me anyway and I was completely packed by 9:00pm.

After that, I spent two hours completing two job applications for teaching jobs near where Kyle lives.  We had already decided that we would need to move in together eventually.  We made a deal.  I’d apply for teaching jobs where he lives.  If I got them, I’d move there.  If not, he’d find a job where I am and move here.  Besides, I wouldn’t mind a more stable job.  Given the fact that my job was almost cut this year, it wouldn’t hurt to look into other options.  Logically, it seemed a bit soon in our relationship to talk about moving in together.  However, every other part of me was fine with this, so I went ahead and applied for those jobs.

Relationships – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – Lethargic, stressed, slightly down

Wednesday July 27, 2016

We woke up early, packed everything, and rushed to get on the road.  We needed to drop his stuff off and then I needed to drive him to work.  When the time came to say goodbye, I cried a little.  How was it that someone I’ve dated so little meant so much to me already?

The drive home was long and uneventful.  When I arrived, I started packing.  I had to leave for my camping/hiking event early on Friday and I had a lot to do.  I got the whole trunk of my car packed.  I did laundry.  I installed an air filter in my car.  The “service engine” light had come on in my car this morning.  I took it to the mechanic, but he was too busy to look at it.  I borrowed a code reader from my local auto parts store.  It had to do with the oxygen content in the fuel mixture. That could mean almost anything.  It could mean my gas cap wasn’t sitting tightly.  It could mean that I needed a new air filter.  It could mean that I needed a new oxygen sensor.  It could mean that oil, antifreeze, or some other foreign fluid was getting into my gas line.  Since I had gotten gas twice today, I decided to try replacing the air filter to see if that would do it.  It really needed it and I removed the code.  If the “service engine” light reappeared, that would mean it was something else.  If it didn’t, it meant that all I needed was the air filter.

Relationships – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – varied

Monday July 25, 2016

I awoke with Kyle in my arms. It didn’t take us long before we had morning sex.  We made our relationship “Facebook official”. It took a little convincing because he was concerned about how people would react, since we have a decent age gap between us. He expected some people to “warn him “ about me. Honestly, only two people said anything. One was a friend of his who already suspected that we were dating. The other was Kyle’s ex. It was clear that she was bothered about it and told him she thought I wasn’t his type. Realizing after a very short time that she wasn’t going to talk him out of it, she stopped talking to him. With the way she treated him, I really wouldn’t complain if she disappeared from his life. He seems to be under the impression that they’re still good friends. Or maybe he wants to keep up that impression until he gets the rest of his stuff back from her.

Anyway, Kyle and I spent the majority of the day cuddling, talking, hanging out, and occasionally, having more sex. It was a wonderfully relaxing day Around 5:00, we left the motel room, had dinner, and saw a movie together. During dinner, I felt like we had kind of run out of things to say to each other. It felt awkward to me, but it seemed like he felt like it was a comfortable silence. The movie was fun, but he commented on how loud I laughed during the movie. Honestly, he laughs loudly the rest of the time, which is what I told him. We got back to the motel, had sex again and drifted off to sleep.

Relationships – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – good

Sunday July 24, 2016

I awoke with my alarm. I had purposely woke up early so I could do my laundry before the heat of the day hit. None of the laundromats in my town have air conditioning. I did my laundry, ran a few errands, and drove home. By the time I got home, I was very tired. I had less than 4 hours of sleep the night before due to my extended conversation with Kyle. I took a nap. I woke up two hours later, packed, and started my drive.

It was an uneventful trip and I arrived at the motel around 6:00. Kyle didn’t get out of work until 9:30. I unpacked my things and took another nap. I awoke with my alarm again and was really groggy. I did my best to wake myself up before driving.

I arrived and received the best possible greeting that I could from him. I saw his face watching for me outside the window. As soon as I got inside his house, he enfolded me in his arms and gave me a deep long kiss. That was not something he had done before and I quite liked it. While he got his things, I chatted with his mother who seemed apologetic about not letting me stay there.

When we got back to the hotel room, we cuddled and talked for a long time. Before we had sex, he kept talking about being “on the precipice”, which was clearly a metaphor for falling in love with me. He talked about being infatuated with me. That’s not how I felt about him and I was concerned because typically the word “infatuated” is associated with a mild obsession and is also a short-lived relationship. That’s not what I wanted from him or hoped from him. He stated that wasn’t that he meant and that it just meant that he thought about me all the time, which was nice. I also felt like I loved him, but not the early-in-the-relationship feelings of love. It was almost the kind of love one feels for a long-time friends, but he’s not my friend. I know it sounds weird, but there are so many feelings that I have been unable to explain lately.

Kyle also talked about worrying about something that he felt like we were going to say when we had sex. He said it had something to do with the “precipice”. He also said it was too early to say it. I suspected that he was going to say “I love you”, but we made it through some very good sex without it happening, so it worked out. I would have replied in kind, but I’m not sure I quite meant it. I fell asleep in his arms.

Relationships – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – great

Saturday July 23, 2016

I got up early today to meet some people for a hike. It was a new meetup group. I had been trying to get to know more hiking people and make more friends. Only two people showed up and they had driven two hours to be there. It was an older man and a woman. He had white hair, but was tall and still seemed strong and in good shape, so I imaged he was in his 60s.  She was petite with sun-browned skin. She was extremely talkative without adding much in the way of substance to her words. She shared her knowledge of the woods, but her facts were often incorrect. And the man, who apparently was not married to or dating her, was often rude to her in her ignorance. I wasn’t sure which one of them annoyed me more. And as if that weren’t bad enough, my back started to bother me about an hour and a half in. I tried to ignore it. Then I took some over-the-counter pills for the pain. By the end of the hike, I was limping because the pain radiated down one of my legs. I was close to tears, partially from the pain, partially from my body’s inability to do what I wanted it to do. Near the end, the man and the woman got annoyed with my slow progress and went on ahead. I stopped to message Kyle who kindly tried to cheer me up. At that moment, I caught up with them and the man berated me for my cell phone usage.

When I returned to the car, I was relieved. My back still hurt, but at least I didn’t have to walk anymore. And I didn’t have to put up with those people anymore. I messaged Kyle again and got some bad news. His mom wouldn’t let me stay over at their house again. I didn’t understand it. I thought both his mom and step-dad liked me. The reason given is that she wasn’t feeling well and needed to rest. It’s not like I really asked anything of them while I was there, but I can understand how stressful it can be to have someone visiting your house, I suppose. I was still disappointed. That meant that if I wanted to see Kyle before I left for the camping/hiking trip, that I would either need to get a hotel room or to camp somewhere with him. However, with such short notice and so many things left to do, would I have time to pack everything that was needed for a camping trip? Finally I sucked it up and decided to just pay for the hotel room. I had the money, I was just trying to save it. Besides, it would be fun to have Kyle to myself for a whole few days!

This made Kyle really angry and he spent a while trying to find a place to live. Aaron, the friend who I believe I mentioned at last year’s camping/hiking event, had a spare room in his apartment that he could rent out. I was a little disappointed that he would be moving in with someone who wasn’t me, but I hadn’t offered either. I couldn’t. It was written in my lease that I live in the one bedroom apartment alone. My apartment was the perfect size for me and my stuff, but I just didn’t have the extra room for all of Kyle’s stuff too. Wait, why was I thinking of this? We’re still not even exclusive.

Kyle went to work. I was so exhausted with the heat of the day and the exertion that I took a nap. When I woke up, I got some more things done. I still couldn’t get my printer to work. I was starting to get annoyed with it. I paid good money for that printer and I couldn’t even get the stupid thing to connect with my laptop. I tried their website, but there was no real support. I did some other things that needed doing.

When Kyle got done with work, he messaged me. He had a particularly bad day. I asked him if there was anything I could do. He said I could talk to him. So we both cued up Skype and started chatting. At first, he was really not looking well enough to converse, so I prattled away about various trivialities. Finally, he started interacting with me. Eventually, we just kept talking about various things. We decided to become exclusive! We discussed many things. Finally, he came up with a good idea about the long-distance thing. We wouldn’t make any plans now, but by the time we had been dating for six months, we’d put a plan in place to close the long-distance gap. I was very pleased with how things went! Then as things got later, it’s like our inhibitions waned. He started talking about what kind of a wedding he wanted if we ever got married. I know, we’ve been exclusive for all of a day and he was already talking about a potential wedding. The weird thing is, it didn’t seem weird at all. It seemed like it was an eventuality. Three hours later, right before we said goodnight, we discussed that weirdness about how the conversation didn’t seem weird. We joked about how we’d talk about having kids in the next conversation. We said good night and I went to sleep.


Relationships – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – Varied greatly

Friday July 22, 2016

I awoke early again. I told a friend of mine who works at a summer camp that I’d help out with one of the special programs they’re doing. I got there late by accident (my GPS gave me directions to the wrong place). Even so, the kids had a good time. I had missed working with kids and I had a good time too! He had me stay, fed me lunch, and gave me permission to swim in the pool. I had a good time. When I got home, I tried to get more stuff done. I managed to hook my new printer up to the wifi, but my laptop still wouldn’t recognize it. I got some other things done that I needed to do, including several necessary phone calls. I got tired near the end of the day and took a nap. I continued watching the TV show I had started watching with my sister.

Then, later at night, Kyle messaged me. He wanted to go on Skype. We did and ended up talking for about an hour an a half. I started falling asleep while we were chatting, so eventually he let me go. I fell asleep almost right away.

Relationship – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – neutral

Thursday July 21, 2016

I awoke early and started to clean up my apartment. My cats had made a real mess of the place while I was gone. One of them dug up half of the plants in the windowsill. And somehow, sometime while I was gone, the door to the bathroom, where I keep the litter box, got closed. That meant that the cats were “doing their business” elsewhere. I cleaned up the obvious places, but I had yet to find the main place they were urinating. It had to be underneath some piece of furniture. I put off my search for it and straightened up, did the dishes, swept up the dirt, etc. I got a text from Jeff saying that he wasn’t feeling well, that his stomach was giving him problems. He told me to give it a few hours and he’d let me know if he couldn’t come over. I hoped it couldn’t. I felt guilty doing anything with him, even though Kyle and I are not exclusive. I took a break from cleaning and sat on my bed chatting with Kyle.

Then, the unexpected happened. Kyle talked of wanting to be exclusive. It had really only been about a week since he decided that we were dating at all. I told him of all of my fears. Then I reminded him of all of his fears. Then he told me that he is scared, but that he thinks I’m worth it. Not that I was hard-hearted before, but that really melted my heart! We talked some more, but I never officially said we’d be exclusive. I guess I must have harbored more fears than he did. Even so, I never told him “no” either. Eventually, Jeff got back to me. He was feeling too poorly to come. He talked of rescheduling for another time. I was relieved.

I took a nap and tried to get some stuff done. My printer was dead, so I needed to buy a new printer if I was going to apply for those jobs near where Kyle lives. I bought the printer, worked to set it up, but I couldn’t get my stupid laptop to recognize it   I also contacted some co-workers so I could get some recent letters of recommendation. I was taking a big chance, trusting the coworkers to not tell my principal that I was applying elsewhere. I just hope I chose the right ones. Kyle and I talked some more and discussed our biggest flaws. We both had a fair amount of flaws, but they were mostly the same. Even so, the conversation depressed me. He also confided in me that he had cheated on his last girlfriend. He said he hadn’t told anybody about it. I feel kind of bad writing about it here, even though I have obscured several details about him. He said that was why he was so scared of committing to me. He was afraid that he would do the same thing to me and he never wanted to hurt me. I guess I didn’t realize the depths of my feelings for him before now. As soon as I pictured him cheating on me, I felt an immense pain in my heart. Where did that come from? I guess I really didn’t realize how much I liked him. I had hoped that he would reboot the conversation about exclusivity, but he never did. I imagined that it might be because when he was confronted with the nature and extensiveness of my depression, maybe now he was scared. When we stopped chatting, I drifted off into an uneasy sleep.


Relationships – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – varied, more down than anything