November 24, 2015

Last night I had decided I was going to quit smoking. I finished my pack and told myself that it was going to be my last. Things were going good in my life, so I shouldn’t have a problem quitting.

I awoke to several texts from Diego. He had even tried to call me once. They said:
“Hello, my love.”
“What are you doing?”
“How was work today?”
Something about missing something that I didn’t understand.
Several kissy hearty emojis
“Have a beautiful night, my heart.”
I texted him back and said I was sorry, but that I fell asleep around 7:00.

I awoke late today and ended up on the same train as Diego again. I didn’t have time to eat breakfast or pack a lunch. I told him I had talked to Juan on the train yesterday. He asked what I had told him. I told him that I was tired because I had someone over the night before. I told Diego that Juan had asked many questions, but I didn’t answer all of them. I told him that Juan had asked if I had a boyfriend and I told him that I didn’t know. I asked Diego if he was my boyfriend. He said he had answered me, though I don’t remember getting that text. He said he wanted to get to know me better. I asked him if there was a problem. He said no, that he just wanted to know me better. After that, I was too sad for much further conversation. He hugged me goodbye at the connecting station and said we would talk later.

After he left, I went to the store at the station and bought a pack of cigarettes. As I was smoking, I wondered if it was because I had told him about my mother the other day and as best as I could, my depression. But I reasoned that he had avoided the question before then, so maybe not. Either way, I was instantly thrown into a mild depression, despite the doubts that I had myself yesterday. I just had to get through today and then I had five days off to worry about and deal with it. I decided that we should go back to going out on actual dates rather than our “dates” where he came over, we watched a movie that we talked through and eventually had sex.

I compared what I had with Diego to what I had with Bryan (who was born here, but he was half Porter Rican). It started off intense and he made me believe that he wanted more than sex, but that’s mostly what we did together. While Diego didn’t have kids here or a recent separation, I saw similarities in the situations. My very quick attachment, me being quick to have sex with him, and now his reluctance. Was this a pattern that I was somehow causing by my behavior? Or was it something the Universe kept sending my way over and over until I learn my lesson? What lesson would that be? To not have sex so soon? To not get attached so quickly? I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t control my emotions, I can only control how I react to them. So how can I react to this in a good way?

My workday passed. I received several sweet texts from Diego who also made plans with me for Wednesday night. I insisted on dinner or something else that was not sex first. If he wanted to get to know me better, he would have the opportunity. Also, my married friend (I forgot what name I called him on this blog) texted me again to have sex. I told him no. I told him I had something with a guy, but didn’t know what it was yet. He said that was fine, that we could just do massages. I said maybe, wondering how Diego would react to that. ‘But he’s not my boyfriend,’ I told myself meanly, ‘he doesn’t need to know because he doesn’t have a right to know.’

I took the train home and Juan sat with me as usual. I told him about the friend texting me and how I turned him down. I never voluntarily used Diego’s name, though I wondered why I was reluctant to. I told him that I liked the one man and he was enough for me. He started talking about the various women who were interested in him at various points. He again asked me how long we had sex for. I told him it was for long enough. He then said he can have sex for over an hour. I tried to listen politely, but started looking forward to the end of our train ride. Diego texted me halfway through about his bad day. I tried to hide the texts from Juan after Diego said something about it. Juan saw one and laughed. I couldn’t fathom what was so funny.

When I got home, Diego and I continued to text. He made plans with me to sleep over on Wednesday night. I was surprised, but pleased. He said he was afraid to have a girlfriend because things don’t last long between him and girlfriends. I know he has two kids in Guatemala and wondered about their mother. He hadn’t mentioned her except to call her a liar and say that he was never married to her. He stated that things never lasted long because he has a strong character. I guess he meant a strong personality and said I had one too. That’s true enough. Then he got down to the heart of the issue. He was afraid because we were from different cultures. I told him that’s not important if we work together. We both identified what we did and didn’t like about each others cultures. Then, to my surprise, he said we would be boyfriend and girlfriend. He told me that if there’s something I don’t like, to talk to him before I judge. He said he doesn’t like fights. I told him I always tell the truth, but that some people don’t want to hear the truth all of the time. He said he hoped it wouldn’t be an obstacle. I told him I suspected that our biggest obstacle would be communication until I learned more Spanish. He laughed.

After a day of being disappointed and preparing myself to deal with a Diego that doesn’t want to be my boyfriend, I found myself contemplating what it meant to be his girlfriend. I started wondering and worrying that it meant different things because of our different cultures, but I suppose that is a discussion for another day.
————————

Today I’m grateful for not getting as depressed as I could have over the events of today, I am grateful that this is the last day of work until next Monday, and I am grateful for my boyfriend.

I held the door for someone whose hands were full at the train station.

I spent 25 minutes in nature today. in nature today.

I spent $5.75 on parking and $8 on fast food., $13 on snacks at the m.

I slept for about 8 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I exercised for 25 minutes today.

I did not follow my diet. I didn’t have time to make food, so I bought food.

I did not straighten or clean today.

I was showered but did not brush my teeth today.

My mood fluctuated from depressed to neutral a few times, but always tired. My temperament was good.

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