November 30, 2015

I awoke early, but ended up going back to sleep. I was running late, but I somehow managed to get to the station early. Diego was there and Juan was not. Diego’s friend had given him a ride. I needed to take the early train to catch up on all the work I didn’t do because I was so tired the past two weeks. I had hoped to get it done on my vacation, but I didn’t. He decided to come on the early train with me. We discussed several things and I seriously started to question whether he was the right man for me. I asked about his kids. They are younger than I thought they were. His last girlfriend must have been the one he had kids with. He Skype’s with them and sends them money. He’s afraid to marry because of his mother’s bad experience with marriage. He also told me he used to argue with his ex-girlfriend. I told him everybody has disagreements because all people are different. I told him I was afraid every guy would be like my ex-husband. That once I got married, I’d be miserable and ignored. I also explained that’s why women don’t stay long with him, they want someone who will stick around. He said he wanted to make it on his own, do everything on his own, referring to citizenship. I told him it’s not about being with someone because you need them, its about being someone because you want them. Nonetheless, I was disappointed. I didn’t exactly want a marriage proposal tomorrow and kids the next day, but I did hope that eventually he’d have an interest in settling down with me. I guess I hope that eventually with all relationships. It makes sense that someone who gets to his age never being married is a committmentaphobe. Maybe I should have known better. At least he’s not using me for a green card! My own hypocrisy was lost on me until later in the day.

I was disappointed and wondered how much longer I should stay with him. I like him. However, I am not stupid enough to believe that he’s going to change for me. And the longer I’m with him, the more attached I will be and the worse it will get, right? Or is exiting the relationship now to proactively preserve myself from likely pain and suffering stupid? If I was younger, I would have stuck it out to see how things went. However, that stupid biological clock of mine didn’t like that answer. How long could I be happy with him just being happy with him? Or would that question forever weigh on my mind?

We got off at the connecting station and I really wanted a cigarette. However, he insisted on staying with me at the connecting station, when I would have bought those cigarettes. When my train arrived, he gave me an awkward hug and kiss on the cheek. I could see Juan’s Spanish friends watching me talk to him. I chose not to sit with them. As soon as I got off the train, I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one, trying to hide the cigarette from the traffic as I walked. In my mind, every car that passed contained a student and parent. Even with the paranoia that I would be seen, I felt the cigarette taking effect. I managed to calm down. I was slightly disappointed at having to smoke, but I felt like I needed it.

When I got to work, I discovered that the internet didn’t work on my work computer, so I couldn’t even catch up on work. I caught up on my blog instead. Then I got an email from my boss stating that she wanted to observe me with my least well-behaved class later this week. That was more work I had to do. I had to create an in-depth lesson plan for this group of students and do it soon.

I told myself I just needed to get through today. I did my best not to let my mood show to my students today. I was surprisingly successful, but my heart really wasn’t in it.

I got on the afternoon train anxious to get home. Juan wasn’t on there. I wasn’t terribly disappointed. I wasn’t in the best of moods and didn’t have any desire to explain why, especially with his often unpleasant questioning.

On the drive home, I thought more about Diego and what he had said. I like him and even if there’s no hope for it lasting long, I would still stick it out until it became a problem. I thought about the ending of Four Weddings and A Funeral, how the couple resolves not to marry and decide that it’s something they could do for the rest of their life. If I could trust that somebody could do that, I would be content in that scenario. But could I trust someone enough to have kids with them if they’re not married to me? I suppose it’s too early in the relationship to think about such things, but at what point should I think about it? At what point does it become a problem?

Diego and I were texting and he asked when I was getting my period. Usually guys aren’t that upfront about it, but i don’t have qualms discussing it, so I told him it was coming soon, probably this week. He said we couldn’t have sex during my period. I just thought he was grossed out about it. It turns out, he had some weird cultural belief that it was bad for me and could make me sick. In hindsight, the translation may have been fuzzy about what “sick” meant, but all I could think is “What kind of stupid, messed up belief is that!?”. He also thought menstral blood was real blood. I found myself getting angry at his ignorance, which is not something that I usually do. I rarely judge others beliefs and they rarely elicit an emotional reaction from me. Is it because I’m emotionally attached to him? He sent me a number of articles in Spanish and I sent him a number of articles in English. I calmed down enough to try and form a common ground. I commented that it was strange that all the Spanish articles said one thing and the English articles another. He then stated that he didn’t like the blood. I could live with that, because at least it has a rational explanation. He then told me that the chance of contracting an STD was greater because of the menstral blood. I told him that was only true if one of us had an STD and we didn’t use condoms. I told him I didn’t have an STD and that I had been tested earlier in the year. I realized that I needed to be tested again, if I was going to continue my rule of getting tested every two partners, but I didn’t mention that to him. I tried to impart that I’m often hornier when I get my period. He finally relented and said he’d have sex with me on my period. I told him if he was not comfortable, that was okay. He seemed to think that period sex is a fetish I have. I must not have explained it correctly because he asked what other things I liked in sex. I really wanted to have this conversation, because I aim to please, but it was already two hours past my bedtime, so I told him that I would love to talk about it another time. Then I went to bed.

——————–

Today I’m grateful that I got through a tough day, that Diego and I were able to disagree, and that we were able to work it out, eventually.

I don’t think I did any acts of kindness today.

I spent 30 minutes in nature today.

I spent $5.75 on parking, $15 on cigarettes and a lighter, $8 on fast food today.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I exercised for 30 minutes today.

I did not follow my diet.

I did not straighten or clean today.

I was not showered and did not brush my teeth today.

My mood fluctuated from neutral to depressed. My temperament was mostly good, but I didn’t like how I reacted to Diego’s beliefs.

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