November 23, 2015

I woke up very tired. It was all I could do to drag myself out of bed after the 5th time I hit the snooze button. I was very groggy and drove to the train feeling very hazy. I tried to sleep on the train, but I failed.

My walk to work was cold this morning. I thought about something Diego said last night about how he just focused on work when he didn’t have a woman. I thought about the numerous times I was depressed because I didn’t have a man and wondered why I didn’t focus on my job as a source of contentment and happiness. Then I thought about it. As a special area teacher, I kept getting laid off from various school districts due to budget cuts. It seemed that once I got attached to the school and the students, I had to leave again. I cried every time, but not usually where the students could see me. I tried not to find happiness in my work because then I got attached to the happiness, to the work. Then I got more upset when I got laid off. In the past two months, I had been focusing on my work to try and placate the feelings of loneliness. Now, it seems that things with Diego are overshadowing my work in my list of priorities. Either that, or I am just too tired that I can’t concentrate on work. Both are a serious possibility. I’d like to think that it’s the latter. I will find out soon enough. I intend to catch up on sleep during Thanksgiving break. I think the moral of this story is to not get too attached to anything. That’s easier said than done, however!

Juan wasn’t on the train this morning. To be honest, I was relieved. The more I talk to Diego, the more I’m convinced that Juan is not a nice person. In a random conversation with Diego about various forms of immigrants being here, he told me that green cards have to be renewed every 10 years. Juan has said several times that he has been here for 22 years, so he just made up that green card shit to steer the conversation towards asking me to marry him. That pissed me off. Diego also had some instances where he was not terribly respectful. Also, I think Juan was lying about going to work with Diego in March. Diego has mentioned that Juan has asked him to get his son a job a few times, but never said anything about asking for one for himself, which is something that he told me.

I spent the day at work trying to be as enthusiastic as I could towards the students. I tried not to show how tired I was. I hoped it was effectual. Diego had the day off and really didn’t text me much at all. I started to doubt things with him. What was I doing with this guy? I really didn’t know him well. He seemed mostly interested in the sex at this point. He kept avoiding the boyfriend question. He was really very common looking. Last night, I noticed the lines in his face and they seemed more prominent. I noticed the irregularities in his teeth when he smiled. I thought about the endearments he used while texting and started to think maybe they were just words. I wondered what I was doing. I was so exhausted, though, I wondered if my judgement was even accurate right now.

In the afternoon, I saw Juan and sat with him on the train. I told him I was very tired because I had a man over the night before. He said that I looked sad. I told I wasn’t sad, only very tired (which was true). He asked several questions, some of which I answered. I debated whether or not to answer the inquiry as to whether or not I had sex. I would have told my friends this, had they asked, so I told him the truth. I refused to answer the details he asked for, such as how long we had sex for. Apparently “none of your business” doesn’t translate well into Spanish. After several failed attempts to convey that what he was asking was rude, I finally took the humorous route and told him it’s not like I was looking at a clock. Then he started talking about how he likes to go slowly and play a long time before having sex, but there were few things his wife liked. I didn’t comment. He asked about my boyfriend. I told him that the man from the night before was not my boyfriend. I instantly sunk into a reverie about Diego’s reluctance.

When I got home, I still hadn’t had any texts from Diego since lunch. I told myself not to worry or think about it. That things were fading between us already and the other doubts from before resurfaced. I was too tired to care or think much about them. I went to bed as soon as I got home. I immersed myself in the world of my book until I drifted off to sleep sometime around 7:30.

————————

Today I’m grateful for a diverting book, a warm bed, and the ability to get a full night’s sleep!

If I did something good, I don’t remember what it is.

I spent 25 minutes in nature today.

I spent $5.75 on parking and $3 on fast food.

I slept for about 5 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did 25 minutes of exercise today.

I didn’t follow my diet today. I was too tired to make rational decisions, so I ended up stuffing my face with various foods that I shouldn’t have.

I did not straighten or clean today.

I was showered but did not brush my teeth today.

I was so tired that I couldn’t even tell what my mood was. My temperament was good.

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