November 21, 2015

I awoke late to the smell of Diego’s cologne on the pillow next to me. I remembered that I was supposed to go hiking with Jason today. I didn’t want to go, but I said I would and I like to keep my word, so I went. The conversations and company were good. We talked about many subjects and had many laughs. I found myself comparing him with Diego. Diego wouldn’t understand most of the references and the large words I used with Jason.

When we were almost done with our hike, Jason invited me to dinner, where we talked more and had more laughs. Jason then invited himself to my apartment. We stopped at a store that had a good alcohol selection and we picked up some alcohol. Then we headed to my place.

He followed me there in his car. I thought about things, wondering at my choice to allow him to come over. I knew he liked me and wanted something to happen with me there. I thought about the connection I had with Diego and compared the two. Diego and I had an amazing connection. When I was in his arms, I felt like I belonged there. Jason and I had an intellectual connection that Diego and I may never have. Jason was cute and good to talk to, but he was 12 years younger and Diego was only 3 years older. I kept telling myself that I needed to spurn any advances that Jason made for Diego’s sake, but I was never very good at spurning advances, as those of you who have read some of my past entries may know.

We arrived at my place and I realized that I had accidentally locked my one cat in my bedroom while I was gone. We started drinking. Diego was texting me sporadically throughout. Jason has asked me more about the Spanish guys I had mentioned on the train, so I mentioned the fact that I had three dates with Diego, but that I didn’t know what it was yet. He asked if all of the Spanish guys were as smooth with women as their reputation started. I told him Diego was a smooth talker, but rather shy in real life. Then Jason tried to put his arm around me. I looked at him and said, “No.” I realized that it was Diego that I wanted. I texted him and asked if he still wanted to be my boyfriend. I received no response.

Jason and I continued to hang out. I told him that he was cute and I had a lot of fun with him today (both of which were true), but that I had something going on with Diego. I just didn’t know what, yet. Jason was pretty good about it and stayed a while longer, but eventually left. He gave me a hug and said he’d let me know if he was ever hiking in the area again.

I was disappointed in the lack of response from Diego, but concluded that he probably fell asleep, which was why he never responded. We were up pretty late last night and he had to work all day, so it made sense that he would have fallen asleep early. I was still disappointed from not hearing back from him. I was pretty buzzed when I climbed into bed, only to realize that it was wet. My cat had peed in it while she was locked in there. I grabbed a spare blanket and climbed onto the sofa, making sure to take the pillow that smells like Diego with me.
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Today I’m grateful for a body that is still capable of hiking, for intelligent conversations, and for a sense of direction in choosing one guy (and having the wherewithal to do it).

I didn’t do any acts of kindness that stand out in my mind.

I spent about 3 hours in nature today.

I spent $13 on dinner and $15 on alcohol today.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did about 3 hours of exercise today.

I did not follow my diet. I ate pizza for dinner.

I cleaned today, but did not straighten.

I was showered but did not brush my teeth today.

My mood was happy and tired all day. My temperament was good.

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