November 25, 2015

I awoke early this morning. I stayed in bed reading until noon. I barely ate anything. I felt like I was in a haze. Was I depressed? Was I just suffering from withdrawal from the world that I had encountered in my book? I didn’t know how I felt. That’s not normal for me. Usually I can discern how I feel.

I thought a lot about Diego as my boyfriend. Did I make the right decision? How would this affect my life? I wondered how I would be able to balance Diego as my boyfriend with my working life. I couldn’t handle many more late nights and continue to work effectively. Or could I? I was too tired to do work effectively before. Could I do it if I pushed myself? Would he understand if I told him I had to be in bed by 8 on weeknights? I was oddly comfortable with the fact that he was now my boyfriend without the distracting overabundance of emotions that I had experienced with boyfriends past. I like many things about Diego, but he is not an intellectual. He didn’t understand my preoccupation with books. He didn’t spell all of his Spanish words correctly, which hindered me in my attempts at translating his words. I hoped that wouldn’t affect things over the long term. I do like him for the many things that he is. I like that we talk about ideas. I like that he works with his hands and enjoys it. I like that he’s sweet, that he clearly cares about me, and that he is happy to have me in his life. I like that he enjoys the simple things in life like movies, cuddling, sex, etc. Maybe after I spent so long (comparatively) just worrying about and taking care of myself, I am unaccustomed and a little afraid of having to figure someone else (and their thoughts and opinions) into my life. I am afraid that I will undo all the good things in my life that I have done for myself recently for his sake. And I am afraid that I am with him because I am afraid of being alone. I will have to work through my fears just as he will have to work through his.

I talked to Kevin about my trepidation and fears. He said it’s only natural. I told him it wasn’t natural for me. I usually am so head-over-heels at the beginning of a relationship that I wonder if we’ll get married and start fantasizing about what our kids would look like (which, in this case, would be damn adorable). Maybe I have reached the stage in my life where I can have a normal beginning of a relationship with its normal fears and reluctance. Kevin also reminded me that I had asked God, the Universe, whoever, for a boyfriend to keep myself away from Juan. It was out of unselfishness that I wanted one. Funny that not long after I asked, I received!

I got the oil changed on my car, then returned home to try and clean up as much as possible before my date with Diego. I actually put on makeup and we went out to the restaurant that his cousin owned. Our conversation was a bit sparse. He talked about applying for a job. Even though he was very qualified, they never called him because of who he was (a Hispanic man). I have lost jobs because of who I was before, but being white, my issues are easier to hide. They don’t just look at my name and decide against me like they do for him. We went back to my place to watch a movie. It was funny and we laughed a lot. We even made it through the whole movie before ending up in the bedroom. We had made plans for him to spend the night. I was reminded yet again how much I love the feeling of his skin against mine. I fell asleep in his arms.

————————————

Today I’m grateful for getting back to eating normally after my fast food slip up today. I’m grateful that I was able to read the morning away. I am grateful that I am not as discriminated against as Diego and other Hispanics in this country (though I do pity them and wish there was something that I could do).

I don’t think I did any acts of kindness today.

I did not spend time in nature today.

I spent $175 getting my oil changed and something fixed on my car, $40 on dinner, and $8 on fast food.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet. I was ravenous after my oil change so I bought fast food.

I straightened and cleaned today.

I was showered and brushed my teeth today.

My mood fluctuated from depressed to happy/content. My temperament was good.

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