January 31, 2016

I awoke early to the chorus of cats who are used to being fed at the early time that I get up for work. I forced myself to go back to sleep. When I did, I dreamed I was in a church compound. I never ended up inside the Church itself, just various rooms and hallways surrounding it. In my dream I had realized that I was in love with a man in a wheelchair and spent the entirety of my dream searching for him and never finding him. Some time spent with a dream dictionary taught me that I’m still looking for the reason I’m still emotional around my hiking group, but I didn’t find it yet.

I also felt lonely when I awoke. Diego complained that I’m often busy on weekends. He’s right. I usually have at least one day where I have plans with someone. I feel like we really haven’t interacted in a positive way very much recently and started to worry and wonder about our relationship. I realize that we have no real hobbies in common and he has no real interest in being a part of anything in my life that does not involve watching movies, eating out, and having sex. I am so much more than that. I don’t expect him to join my spiritual group, but conceding to go for a hike, meet my parents, meet my friends, or do something different and fun with me would be nice. Could I really have a long term relationship with someone who wants to be with me, but has no interest in the rest of the people in my life? He has never invited me out with his friends, so maybe it’s a cultural thing? I don’t know. It was almost noon before I even got out of bed.

I decided to forget about my diet and make my favorite food of all time, which I’m sure is against every diet known to man. My recipe makes a lot, so I sent Diego a text inviting him over for dinner. After I sent the text, I put two and two together and realized it was probably my one day of depression that I get instead of PMS. Considering the last time he was around when I experienced it and the fact that we essentially broke up for two days because of it, I should probably not be around him. I worried about it and wondered if I should retract my offer. Two hours passed by and I hadn’t heard from him, so I texted him asking him how he was. He wasn’t good. He was feeling depressed about his car and didn’t want to come over tonight. I was relieved, but also worried about him. At the same time, I cared about him more than ever. To have a man who admits that he’s depressed and knows himself well enough to know what he needs because of it was amazing to me. I don’t even recognize when I’m depressed half the time until after the fact. And to heat him speak of it openly with me was amazing. I hope I can do the same with him without fear as well!

My grades were due tomorrow, so I spent most of the day working on them. It was difficult because I kept getting distracted. I was kinda glad that Diego wasn’t coming because it was clear that I had more work to do with my grades than I initially realized. I did what I could, but also discovered that I had left some papers that were necessary to grade at work. I had to take the early train tomorrow and scramble to finish grading everything so I could get them I’m by the end of the day.

Around supper time, I got a video chat request from Diego. He was laying in bed and not moving. He had apparently not eaten since breakfast. I offered to bring him some of my leftovers, but he wasn’t a fan of the food that I cooked. I offered to buy him food and drop it off. He conceded. He didn’t seem too badly depressed, at least not compared with my episodes of major depression. He smiled a few times and at least one of them seemed genuine. I was relieved that it was just an emotion and nothing more serious (like him wanting to take an action because of his emotion). I wondered why he couldn’t exert himself. But I reasoned that he didn’t have my experience with depression where I wished for death to end my suffering yet still was able to force myself out of bed anyways. But I also hoped he never had to get as intimately acquainted with that emotion either.

I also realized that I needed to add the February focus onto my Unearthing Happiness website. I finished that around 9:30, but didn’t go to bed because I spent the time perusing Facebook instead. I need to end my addiction to social media!


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