Pregnancy: Week 20

Saturday March 4, 2017
It’s difficult to believe that I’m now halfway through the pregnancy. My belly is quite large and round already. I’m starting to worry about how much bigger I’m going to get and how my body is going to handle it! I drove an hour away to the nearest reliable mechanic I had at the last place I lived.

They fixed my brakes. I needed new pads and rotors and asked for an estimate for my oxygen sensor. The second one put in by the other mechanic clearly was broken too. I suspected that it might be something else that was the problem, but didn’t know what. It turns out that the oxygen sensor is supposed to be a part from the dealer and that the knock off version wouldn’t work. He said he’d get an estimate and get back to me, but that the part was probably going to be about $300. He also said that I needed new lower control arms. That struck me as odd because I had supposedly had a control arm replaced about a year ago. I felt like I wanted to cry. I didn’t know if this mechanic was messing with me or the one I bought the control arm from was ripping me off. I hate not being able to trust people and it’s even worse when you don’t even know who you can trust. With so many reputable businesses around, why couldn’t someone come up with a reputable mechanic chain!?\

When I got home, Kyle treated me to a movie and then I treated him to dinner. It was nice getting to spend time doing something other than my to-do list, but I would much rather have spent it at home sleeping or cuddling with him.

Sunday March 5, 2017
I had to go to work for a few hours today for an open house, but it was a poor choice of date because few parents came. Those that did come had no need to talk to me, so I was able to spend the whole time getting some stuff done. I was starting to feel pretty happy about my to-do list. I updated my resume and even applied to a few jobs. There were two that I needed to fill out an actual application and print up resumes for, so those would have to wait. I decided to set aside time next Sunday to do those.

After I got home, I dropped Kyle off to work and then drove to my mom’s house. I had plans with her to wash all of the baby clothes I got so they would be clean and ready for the baby when it comes. I think she enjoyed looking at the baby clothes more than I did! She helped me remove the tags and especially seemed to enjoy folding the teeny tiny clothes. She also made dinner and I enjoyed myself working on puzzles with them in between loads! I got so caught up in the puzzle that I was a little late in leaving to pick up Kyle from work!

Monday March 6, 2017
Today my principal finally decided to talk to me about the problem with the dance production dates. She clearly had expected me to relent and do whatever she asked me to do. I had absolutely no intention of doing so. She threatened to only pay me half of the money I was promised. I told her that I wouldn’t do the dance production at all if that were the case. I had set up another date with the venue in case she wanted to have a different performance as an alternative.

I knew digging in my heels was the right thing to do. I was glad that I was looking for another job.

Pregnancy: Week 19

Saturday February 25, 2017
We awoke early, both feeling exceedingly groggy as I slowly packed my things and Kyle packed the car. When we were done, we waited for his mom and step-dad to wake up so we could give our thanks and goodbyes. I was full of gratitude for both the kindness and generosity they had shown to us and hoped that I was able to express it satisfactorily.  We drove to my middle sister’s house who lived somewhat in between Kyle’s mom’s house and home. We went out to lunch and talked. I forget that we really don’t have much in common anymore. Or I have less to talk about. Or something. I talked a lot about the pregnancy hoping that her and her husband were actually interested about it. Her husband had too many beers and started making a fool of himself.   We spent our time laughing at him and messing with him a bit.

We went back to their place and talked a bit. We took the tour and I was envious about how well kept their place was. They had also furnished it nicely and decorated it tastefully. They were also renting, but lived in an area where money went further, especially in rent. They were renting a house for the amount that I paid for our one bedroom apartment. Also, my sister and her husband were more minimalists than me and Kyle are. To be fair, our hiking hobby takes up a fair amount of room too with backpacking packs, tents, sleeping bags, camp cooking gear, etc. We both like to read a lot more than my sister and her husband. Even so, I still was desirous of making more room in our apartment. I loved the airy spacious feeling their house had, even though the rooms were small, but comfortably furnished and didn’t feel cramped like ours did. To be fair, all of the walls of our place was full of shelves or boxes piled ceiling high with stuff. I wonder if I can manage to part with enough to stuff to create the same feeling. I also worry that if we had a place with more room, Kyle would just endeavor to fill it with more stuff. I suppose it’s best not to speculate until it’s an issue though!

The drive home was long and hard. It poured rain and stormed the whole way. It took significantly longer and I was fighting sleep for the last few hours. Kyle slept fitfully almost the whole way. The thunder kept waking him up, but he really was only awake for the last hour. We spent that time arguing over how soon to give our baby food, specifically cereal. With all the crap they put in cereals these days, I was really concerned about feeding it to our baby so soon and felt that 3 months was way too soon to give our kid solids. As much as I assumed I’d be anxious to stop having to pump at work and breast feed, I felt like we shouldn’t start them on solids until at least 6 months and should start them on fruit or vegetables first. I didn’t think that grains shouldn’t be introduced until the year mark, but I couldn’t remember why I thought so. Our argument really were more peevish than well-informed and we both resolved to discuss it later. We got home around 10 and I went right to sleep.

Sunday February 26, 2017
I awoke shaking multiple times throughout the morning. Even though we didn’t get in terribly late, the trip took a lot out of me. I slept on and off for a while. I had plans to do many things today. I needed to go grocery shopping, do laundry, and there were a number of things I wanted to do to get our apartment ready for the baby. I wanted to go through a number of my possessions to see if I could get rid of furniture to make room for baby furniture, clear off shelves and drawers so it could hold baby stuff, and just not have such a cluttered feel to our apartment. Kyle has these ideas that the one bedroom was too small for the two of us and our stuff, much less a baby. I personally believe that we just have too much stuff and could do very well if we minimized our possessions. A lot of the “cleaning” we do involves moving our stuff from one location to another. He also has a lot of wants. They’re mostly things that, in my opinion, we can do without. We don’t need a rice cooker because we can cook rice on the stove. We don’t need a crock pot because we have a Dutch oven that we could put on low for the requisite number of hours. Don’t get me wrong, I have no room to talk. I have too much in the way of paper clutter with two filing cabinets full of stuff that I really don’t need or look at. Some of it is necessary, but most of it isn’t. I also have too many books, clothes, and craft supplies. I hope that seeing me clear the clutter will help inspire him to do the same. I also hope to make room for some of his stuff as well.

Alas, depression hit early in the morning and really didn’t leave me throughout the day. I didn’t do a damn thing. Kyle suggested that after such a busy week that I needed a day to just rest, relax, and let my body grow the baby. I told him about the shaking wondering if maybe I had low blood sugar. He suggested that it was a sign of anxiety. While I have had many problems with depression, anxiety really hasn’t been much of an issue for me heretofore. I mean I have awoken shaking in the past, but it never really bothered me as much as it did now. I did literally nothing throughout the rest of the day other than watch tv, read my pregnancy book, and nap. Maybe my body needed it, but I felt upset that nothing got done that I wanted to do.

Monday February 27, 2017
I woke up shaking again. I took some extra time cuddling with Kyle before I got up. I forced myself to get ready for work with sheer stubbornness and willpower.

I went to work wondering if people would notice or comment on my protruding belly. Nobody did, but they all asked how I was feeling, as usual. I still haven’t had any students comment on it yet. The younger ones don’t have enough of a verbal filter to not say what’s on their minds, even if the older ones were too concerned about being rude to say anything.

I felt like my day was more difficult than usual to get through, though in hindsight, everything went well enough. I guess it’s just the goggles of depression with makes everything seem worse than it really is. I did manage to pick up some food at the grocery store. When I got home, I just layed down on the couch and didn’t really move until I got up to go to bed. I wanted to sleep on the couch, but I couldn’t do it. Kyle made us dinner and I gobbled it up. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I started eating!

Tuesday February 28, 2017
I woke up shaking again. I was also very clearly depressed. I did not want to get up. When I did get up, I did not want to do anything. Everything looked bleak and pointless. I called in sick, telling my principal that I woke up with my hip hurting so badly that I could barely walk. That was partially true. My hip was hurting so badly the night before that I could barely walk. My husband later told me that my hip hurt so bad I was whimpering in my sleep whenever I attempted to roll over to a new position.

I felt miserable and depressed. I decided to take a mental health day for myself, despite the fact that I had a very easy day at work that would have required a minimum amount of work.

I went back to sleep and woke up around 9:00. I wanted to do nothing but read and drift in and out of sleep. I realized that most of my thoughts were about how overwhelmed I felt with everything that needed to be done that I didn’t do over my break because we were visiting our faraway friends and Kyle’s relatives. I guess I needed one day of rest and at least one day of activity after we got back. I made a plan to alternate a chapter in my book and a nap in between every large item or two small items on my to-do list. I guess that was what had been really bothering me. I didn’t complete the to-do list, but I minimized it enough to feel better about it. I also made a plan to attend to some of the items throughout the week. I just put one or two easy items down after work each day. Between those two efforts, my to-do list was cut in half and everything seemed more manageable.

My depression slowly faded throughout the rest of the day as I read and napped and got stuff done. Kyle was also amazingly supportive. I was need more physical affection than usual and he was very compliant in helping.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Today was so warm, that it felt like spring. I had sort of a feeling of freedom. Like a fresh air had blown life back into me. It was still difficult to get out of bed, but I found that it was easier than yesterday even though I woke up shaking again. Not that that’s saying much, but I managed to get up after hitting the snooze bar for an hour.

Work went well, as usual. I had a problem with my principal over the performance dates for the dance production.   She had apparently assumed that we were going to add an additional performance without telling me. It wasn’t on the schedule that I had given to the students months ago, which she had approved. I had plans that couldn’t be broken on that particular day. I felt betrayed because I wanted to please her, but I couldn’t break my plans. I was frustrated that she had not notified me of this in any way and just assumed that I would somehow magically know about it and push all my plans aside to do it. She had a parent waiting for an appointment, so our conversation was cut short. We made an appointment to discuss it more on Monday, but I was seething about it for most of the day. I just reminded myself that this is one of the many reasons why I was looking for work elsewhere for the next school year. Unfortunately, that thought didn’t placate me much. I had decided that I am going to dig in my heels about this particular issue, something she hasn’t seen me do before.

As I was driving home, I noticed that my lower belly was hitting my legs as they moved to hit the pedals. I can’t believe I’m getting so big already! I know I was partially looking forward to looking pregnant, but I was also partially dreading it too! My belly is definitely visibly protruding and starting to border on looking more pregnant than fat.

Thursday, March 2, 2017
I was looking forward to a shorter day than usual at work. My rehearsal for the dance production had been canceled because the stage was being used by another group. My classes mostly went well and my day moved quickly. During my last class I distinctly felt the baby kick for the first time. People weren’t kidding when they said that I’d know it when I felt it! I was so excited! I had been waiting for the first kick for a while!

I stayed a little late to catch up on extra work. I picked up another fast food dinner and went to sleep when I got home. I had about a three hour nap before I had to wake up and pick up Kyle from work. I hung out with him for about an hour before I went back to sleep.

Friday, March 3, 2017
I slept so much last night and woke up on my own at 4am that I couldn’t fathom why I felt so tired at work today. I got a text from Diego. He just said that he saw me driving to work (we take the same route for about a half hour) and that it was good to see me, even from a distance. I mentioned it to a few of my coworkers and they advised that I just don’t answer back. One even recommended blocking his number. I decided to not block his number. If he ever gets in trouble with immigration, I have already decided that I will help him. Just because he was a shitty boyfriend, doesn’t mean he deserves to be deported just because his paperwork hasn’t finished going through yet.

I got through the day reasonably well, but I was glad that it’s Friday. I did not feel any subsequent kicking from the baby. I started to worry that something was wrong. I wondered if I imagined the kick, but no, it was very distinctly a kick.

I drove an hour away to visit my friends. They were having some sort of celebration of motherhood for me. It was really neat. We hung out, ate food, and everyone offered advice that they had never known when they had their kids that could not be found in books. Some of the advice I didn’t quite agree with, like how bedtime had squashed the spirit of one of their kids, but most of it was useful. Here are the things I can remember from it:
1. Some kids show a physical sense of humor long before they have language.Talk to them as adults sometimes, but also remember they’re kids.
2. You should be prepared to bleed vaginally for two weeks after the birth.
3. When they get older remember you are the expert on your kids. You know what’s best for them, so don’t back down when people tell you you’re doing it wrong.
4. To prevent nipple pain and chafing, start now by running brushes of various harnesses over the nipple now (like start with a small toothbrush).
5. Don’t worry too much if your kids aren’t doing what the books say.  Each kid is different.

It was fun and interesting, but I didn’t realize how late it had gotten. I ended up leaving at 11:00 and got home around midnight. I am not looking forward to having to wake up early tomorrow morning. I have to leave at 7am to drop off the car to the mechanic.

 

Pregnancy: Week 18

Friday February 24, 2017
I awoke around 9 and kept myself occupied until the others woke up. Kyle had to go to the last place he lived and pick up the remainder of his possessions. There were just a few boxed filled with books and comics, so they should easily fit in my car. He was going to store them in his mother’s house until we were able to visit again and retrieve them. On the way there, we stopped at his dad’s house. He described his visit as necessary to keep his dad happy to keep his property from passing to an officious aunt when he dies. To be fair, his dad was an abusive alcoholic, so the fact that Kyle had such intentions wasn’t terribly reprehensible. When we got there, his house was in terrible shape. The living room looked livable. It had an old tube tv, a wood stove, a couch, two chairs, and a coffee table. The floor had worn carpeting and the walls were a shade of green that varied in darkness in different sections of it. That was nothing compared with the rest of the house. There were sections of plywood laid over other sections of plywood. The only working sink was in the bathroom and it was full of dishes. There was no stove and no refrigerator. There were two “bedrooms” that were clearly a work in progress. One had laundry hung from the walls. When I later went to the bathroom, I discovered that there was no door.

His dad talked about his indifferent state of health. He claimed to have given up drinking, but the large plastic bags full of beer cans gave lie to his claims. Still, he was clearly not drunk at the time. He welcomed us very heartily and professed happiness to see Kyle and meet me. When I told him I was pregnant, he seemed surprised. Kyle shot me an angry look. I either didn’t realize or remember that I wasn’t supposed to tell his dad about the baby. His dad spent an hour going over old photos and talking over some past good times when Kyle made our excuses and we left.

We retrieved Kyle’s books and drove back to his mom’s house. Our appearance created a bit of a stir. His aunt was there decorating cupcakes. I knew there was going to be a baby shower for us thanks to the carelessness of one of our mutual friends. We had decided to keep my knowledge as unknown as possible. Kyle, his mom, and the mutual friend knew that I knew about it. To help in their efforts, I had made plans to meet a friend who would not be attending the shower. I had known him in college as Steve, but he was now going by the name of Sabrina. I was curious and anxious to see how his transition was going. I mean ‘her’ transition. I had known him as Steve for so long it was difficult to make the transition in my mind from ‘him’ to ‘her’. I did my best, for her sake, but it was still difficult. When I first saw her, she still looked like Steve to me. I noticed a few subtle changes. She was wearing skinny jeans with boots that looked slightly too feminine for a male to wear. She was also wearing a baseball cap with her hair pulled back in a slight ponytail. It was not long enough to be pulled back completely. Despite these changes, which I knew were a big and scary step for her, she still looked decidedly male. She had never made a good looking male, but she didn’t look like she was going to make a good looking female. I felt for her because I didn’t think she quite realized that looks were a lot more important as a female than as a male.   Even though I’m not a terribly girly girl, not interested in clothes or makeup, I longed to offer advice for both make-up wearing and dressing for her body type. I wanted to be as supportive as possible, but I didn’t know if offering to help would be more supportive or if just acting like she was a woman and knew this stuff all along would be better. In the end, I was afraid it would be considered rude, so I kept my mouth shut.

I debated with her whether or not I should be punctual to my 7pm return or if I should arrive a little late. Sabrina stated that I should act however I normally would if I didn’t know about it. If that were the case, I would try and return as punctually as possible. We hugged goodbye with my parting words, “take care, man”, which I beat myself up over the whole way to Kyle’s mom’s house.

When I arrived, there were only two additional cars in their driveway. Kyle berated me for being on time. Someone had arrived shortly after me, so I hid in the bedroom until sufficiently more people had showed up. While the only request I had was that we had a co-ed shower since we had so many male friends, it was treated like a regular shower complete with games and prizes. The food wasn’t really to my taste other than the cupcakes and veggie platter. It was mostly meat and I really didn’t want meat all that much throughout this pregnancy.  It was sweet and cute how all of the kids enjoyed playing with each other.  I really didn’t know many people there, but thankfully most of the time was spent opening gifts and acting grateful.  To be fair, most of it wasn’t really an act.  People were extremely generous with their gifts!

Pregnancy: Week 16

Saturday February 4, 2017
I got up early and took my car to the new mechanic.  I sat there for about an hour and half working on my knitting.  The final total was $10 less than was estimated.  As I drove away, I was happy just to see the check engine light was off for the first time in months!

Kyle and I decided to go to a winter hiking gathering.  On my way there, my chI wasn’t up for much hiking since I get winded doing smaller things than hiking.  I guess I’m breathing for two!  We decided to go because there were a bunch of bonfires and a cookout in addition to the hike.  The food was delicious, but I didn’t expect to see Tim and his girlfriend there.  I should have been prepared for the pain in my heart I get every time I see him.  At least talking to him keeps him from hurting me further.  Kyle, who knew him a bit, wasn’t deterred from talking to him.  I hung out with some friends and knitted while they talked. Tim congratulated Kyle on our marriage.  Apparently someone saw the pictures on Facebook, but didn’t read the captions! And nobody had informed Tim of my pregnancy.  Several of our mutual friends knew, so it was surprising that nobody had told him. I was wearing a very shapeless dress, so it wasn’t obvious.

I was determined to have a good time at this event to show myself and the world that Tim wouldn’t ruin my fun.  Kyle commented on how much I was smiling all day long, but I didn’t explain why.  I attempted to go for a short hike, but was so winded that Kyle had to walk me back to the bonfire area and talked me out of doing any further hiking until after the pregnancy is over.  All in all, it was a good day!

Sunday February 5, 2017
Kyle and I attended a childbirth class today.  Apparently in the past, these classes were held over a series of evenings.  This was a one day only class.  They covered a lot of topics in a short period of time.  One thing that really stuck out for me is that while many people say they were in labor for 18 or 24 hours, usually the first 8 hours at least consist of some short, mild contractions that have a fair amount of time in between.  The whole point is to gradually get the cervix to open wide enough to give birth.  There is a magic number where they won’t even really admit you into a room until you’re dilated enough.

I also learned that the actual part of pregnancy where you’re actually pushing lasts maybe 30 minutes.  I’m still afraid of the pain, but I’m feeling a bit calmer about it.  I still have a long time before I actually give birth.  Almost everyone else in the class was in their third trimester and were due in March and April except for one who was expecting twins in May and was likely to give birth early anyway.  I felt a bit out place, but I was happy to cross one more thing off of my list of things to do before the baby arrives.

One thing that I was disappointed about was that while there was mention of breathing techniques, none were actually taught.  Thankfully, all of my meditation training will come in handy.  Even so, I was unsure if there’s a right way to do it and I still feel pretty unsure.

Monday February 6, 2017
I had an appointment with my new primary care physician.  While I waited, I looked at some of the flyers in the room.  There was a recommended reading list and I was familiar with half of the books on there and had read and enjoyed three of them!  It made me feel like I was in the right place.  Then I discovered that they had me down for an annual exam (a.k.a. a pap smear), which we both found amusing considering I’m pregnant!  I had a long list of symptoms on the sheet they had me fill out when I first arrived.  I had explained to the nurse that most of them were because of the hypothyroidism and pregnancy.  She had not told the doctor that.  The doctor seemed visibly relieved that I was only there because of my back/hip problems.  She checked to see if it affected my muscles or any tingling and numbness.  Because it didn’t and she couldn’t take an x-ray she could only offer me advice. She recommended me sleeping with pillows to elevate my legs to allow for a more comfortable hip and back position and suggested taking whatever my gynecologist recommended for pain.

Tuesday February 7, 2017
I discovered that now that everyone at work knows I’m pregnant, everyone asks “how are you feeling?”  That’s apparently the standard question for pregnant women.  I didn’t mind it, but I have no complaints and everything is going well so far!

Pregnancy: Week 15

Saturday January 28, 2017
I took my car to a new mechanic in hopes that I would be treated better than my last mechanic.  I don’t think I mentioned what happened with the last one.

I needed a new part, they had given me a verbal estimate.  I called them and made an appointment.  When I showed up, they asked me for the part.  I had given them no indication that I had the part.  Apparently there are two of that particular part in my car and they didn’t know in advance which one I needed.  I didn’t know which one I needed, they’re the mechanic.  I waited for about hour, was told that I needed a thermostat in addition. I asked how everything would cost. He gave me a number that was significantly higher than I could currently afford, having had to save up the $250 to pay for the one repair.  Then he told me that that repair was $350, which was $100 more than he had quoted me the week before.  Because it was a verbal quote, I had nothing to back me up other than my almost perfect memory for numbers.  I told him I couldn’t afford the repair now, took my keys, and left, resolving to not come back.  The worst part of moving is finding a trustworthy mechanic, so I was very unhappy with the current development.

So anyway, I tried a new place, run by people for whom English was a second language.  I The receptionist, who looked like a high school student, was bi-lingual and translated.  I decided to start by getting an oil change to see if I liked them.  I also got an estimate for the part that I needed.  They estimated that it would cost $160 for that same part that the other place wanted to charge me $250 and later $350 for.  After I left, I checked my oil, which appeared to have been changed.  I also checked the oil filter, which I had marked ahead of time to determine whether or not they had actually changed it.  They had, so at least they were honest in their oil changes.  The oil change had also cost less than anyone else I knew in the area was charging.  I made an appointment to get the part fixed next Saturday.

I spent the rest of the day working on a knitting project that I had been neglecting for too long.

Sunday January 29, 2017
I got really caught up in my knitting project and spent most of the day on the couch watching TV trying to finish it.  I didn’t finish it, but I did spend a long time getting a lot done.

Monday January 30, 2017
I had to stay for two hours after school, helping my principal out with an after school activity that would have only taken one hour.  As such, I got stuck trying to stretch the activity.  Even so, we still had a good 20 minutes at the end where there was nothing to do.  I did not appreciate having to stay and less so that I had to stay longer than I really needed to.  When I got home, I was in a bad mood, but tried very hard to not treat Kyle poorly as a result.  I succeeded, but he still picked up on the fact that I was in a bad mood and he somehow got in a bad mood too.  I decided to take a nap.  I awoke in a better mood and somehow Kyle’s mood had improved as well.  We had a good rest of the night.

Tuesday January 31, 2017
I decided to let a few select coworkers know about my pregnancy.  I just wanted so see how they would react so I gauge what kind of a reaction I would get from other people.  Thankfully, the response was 100% positive and I got nothing but congratulations!

Wednesday February 1, 2017
I started to notice that my whole stomach area looks fatter.  I’d say that I’m “showing”, but it seems like all of my stomach fat is all of a sudden sticking out.  My upper belly is as big as my lower belly and I know that the baby isn’t that big yet!  As a result, I’m starting to look more pregnant than I am!  I talked to my principal about announcing my pregnancy to the rest of the staff.  I don’t really see them for long enough to tell them.  They drop their kids off at my room and practically run away so they can use as much of their planning period as possible.  I wanted to send an email out, but my principal didn’t want to put it in writing.  She told me to announce it at our faculty meeting on Friday.  While it doesn’t seem like it because I teach for a living, I hate public speaking in front of adults and definitely hate to be the center of attention.  I was not happy.  Why couldn’t I have just sent an email!?

Thursday February 2, 2017
I read in books that people who have had prior pregnancies will be able to feel the baby moving as early as 16 weeks, but that people who have not had prior pregnancies may not be able to feel it until the 18th week or later.  I kept wondering if the various pains or the feelings of heaviness I felt in that area of my body were the baby moving.  Apparently, I was supposed to “just know” the difference between the baby and these other feelings, so maybe I wasn’t feeling the baby quite yet!

Friday February 3, 2017
And finally, the day when I have to tell my coworkers about being pregnant.  I dreaded it all day.  Finally, the time came and I just blurted it out.  I got a ton of hugs and congratulations.  I also had a lot of prying questions, so I was worried that someone was going to be a jerk about it when they did the math, but so far, nobody was a problem.  I hoped it would continue.  It was good to get it all out in the open though!

I went over to Rebecca’s house and hung out there with a bunch of friends.  I started to fall asleep, so I left early, but it felt good to hang out.  I wondered how long it had been to hang out with other people in a social way!  I guess currently

Pregnancy Week 14

Saturday January 21, 2017
I had all of these grand plans for today.  I was going to organize stuff.  Get rid of stuff.  Clean stuff.  And I did absolutely nothing.  I laid on the couch all day, watched various episodes of a TV show on Netflix, and napped intermittently.  I felt really bad because I really wanted to feel well enough to accomplish things, but it just didn’t happen today.  I know Kyle is getting frustrated with my lack of ability to help out and I wanted to do something to counter that, but today I just couldn’t.

Sunday January 22, 2017
I’m not sure what quite came over me today.  I awoke feeling nauseous, but it faded.  Kyle and I decided to go ice skating.  I used to ice skate when I was a kid, so I was pretty confident that I’d do okay.  However, apparently being pregnant threw off my balance, even though I’m not really showing yet.  I was very wobbly and fell twice.  I made sure to land on  my knees because I thought that would have the least damaging impact on the baby during the split second I had to make that decision.  After the second fall, my knee hurt a lot.  I lifted up my pant leg and saw that I was bleeding from an area about the size of a half-dollar.  We went out to dinner and had a good time together.

Monday January 23, 2017
When I woke up, I checked the weather and they were calling for snow.  In fact, on my drive to work it started to slowly snow.  Throughout the day, the snow steadily got heavier.  I was tired and I hurt from ice skating the day before.  I hoped for an early dismissal, but no such luck.  They cancelled the after school programs, but by the time I left there was at least an inch of snow on the roads.  When I got home the snow quickly changed to ice. I called Kyle at work and informed him that I was picking him up early.  I went to bed early.

Tuesday January 24, 2017
I was hoping for a snow day today or at least a delay, but it wasn’t happening.  One thing I’ve been noticing lately is that my lower belly seems to be feeling heavier lately.  There’s no other way to describe it.  I’ve also been feeling random sharp pains.  I looked it up and the internet says that it’s totally normal.  It’s apparently my uterus and muscles stretching to prepare for the fact that the baby is going to be growing.  The pain doesn’t last for a long duration, but it’s still disconcerting.

Wednesday January 25, 2017
Today was an easier day, as Wednesdays often are.  I had bought a pair of maternity jeans this weekend.  We had a casual day for teachers to benefit some cause or other, so I thought I should have some jeans for the occasion.  For those of you who are not familiar with the concept of maternity jeans, just picture the whole zipper area has been cut off, all the way around the jeans and replaced with a stretchy, lycra fabric.  So the denim part of the jeans is hanging around your lower hips, being held up by a fabric designed to accommodate for a large belly which you do not yet possess. Because the heavier denim material is hanging below your hips and ass, there is literally nothing holding it up.  It felt like my pants were falling down throughout the day.  I kept tugging them up, but that really did nothing because the denim part of my jeans were not intended to go over my hips or my ass.  By the end of the day, I was wondering why I bothered to buy maternity jeans at all!

Thursday January 26, 2017
I’m not sure if I’m just low on energy or my priorities are shifting, because work doesn’t seem that important anymore.  It could be that I’m just preparing myself to leave after the school year.  I have already decided that it is a good idea to move elsewhere.  It’s too expensive to live here and even more so on just one paycheck for a family of 3.  Kyle and I had discussed it and he’s going to stay home, do the chores, and look after the baby.   I am grateful to have someone who isn’t worried about the macho crap and is logical enough to realize that what he makes won’t pay for childcare. There are other areas of the state where it’s cheaper to live and we could easily do it on one income, even though I’m by no means wealthy.

Friday January 27, 2017
As always, I am grateful that today is Friday.  It seems that throughout the duration of my pregnancy, I get much more excited for the weekends, no matter what they entail.  I don’t even think I did all that much when I got home, but that seems to be the norm these days.  Where is all of this second trimester energy I keep hearing so much about!?

Pregnancy Week 13

Saturday January 14, 2017
I woke up pretty early and then transferred from my bed to the couch.  I found myself sleeping on and off throughout the day.  It’s like I wore myself out throughout the week and I had to rest and heal.  I really didn’t have the energy to do anything today.  I laid there, watched movies that I napped through, and tried not to eat so much food.  I failed miserably and ate a lot.  I really did nothing else.

One thing I forgot to mention about yesterday’s doctor’s appointment was that I gained too much weight too quickly.  Because I’m already “obese” (I personally don’t consider myself obese because I’m not round, I don’t waddle, and I can still get up and down stairs okay), they wanted me to only gain 15-20 pounds throughout the entire pregnancy.  In the last month I gained 15 lbs.  It probably didn’t help that last week I ate so much because I was just really hungry all of the time.  As I laid there, I thought about some of the things I could do to lose the weight.  But wait, was it healthy to lose weight while you’re pregnant?

Sunday January 15, 2017
I got up early and managed to get a few things done before I went over to Chandra’s house today.  I had been cancelling on her at the last minute for over a month because I just felt so sick and tired and dizzy.  I was glad to finally be able to go over there for once. She gave me a Christmas present (a towel from India) and I felt bad that I hadn’t gotten her anything.  I immediately resolved to find something to give her.  We meditated and then I helped her promote her meditation classes online.

I had resolved to tackle my to-do list when I got home, but I ran out of steam and I ended up taking a three hour nap instead. I made my grocery list and contemplated going out to buy groceries, but ended up going back to sleep instead.

I was jolted awake by the sound of my phone ringing.  Kyle had burned himself with hot oil at work.  I picked him up and brought him to the urgent care place, which was closed.  We had to go to the emergency room instead.  He wasn’t burned all that badly.  He wasn’t even blistering.  And because he wasn’t burned badly, we weren’t a priority, so we waited for a few hours to be seen for five minutes and sent home.  We ate and went to bed.

Monday January 16, 2017
I woke up early and went to do laundry.  I got caught up on some other things while I was there. Then I went and dropped off some donation boxes that had been cluttering up our apartment for a while now and went food shopping.  I got home, ate, then went to my endocrinologist’s appointment.

Because my last endocrinologist said she would drop me from her practice if I were pregnant on my specific medication, I found a new one.  She even offered no explanation for it other than stating that I needed to be on a specific name brand.  I had looked online and could find no reason I shouldn’t take my specific medication while pregnant.  In fact, the drug company’s website stated that it was safe to take while pregnant.  So I decided that maybe the drug company was paying her off and either way, I needed to find a new endocrinologist.

My new endocrinologist greeted me warmly and shook my hand.  He explained why it was difficult to treat someone who is pregnant on my current medication.  There are two thyroid hormones that matter with hypothyroidism: T3 and T4.  For whatever reason, most medications are only T4.  The idea/expectation is that once someone has enough T4, they will be able to manufacture enough T3.  However, I only felt better on medications that contained both T4 and T3.  He said that sometime during the pregnancy, usually at the beginning of the third trimester, the thyroid hormones change and the medication needs to be updated.  However, because my medication offers both T3 and T4, it’s difficult to balance because I may need more of one, but not the other.  Finally, an explanation!  Why my old endocrinologist couldn’t say that to me, I don’t know.  The best part was that this new doctor was also willing to try and help me balance things when the time came.  I was extremely happy with him and grateful that he was able to explain some things.  He even made sure to test for T4, T3, and free T4.  Usually endocrinologists test the T4 and that’s it.

When I got home, I wanted to do more things, but again I had run out of energy.  I spent the rest of the night on the couch in front of the TV.

Tuesday January 17, 2017
Being back to work today, I managed to wake up early, do yoga, shower, and even pack a healthy lunch for myself!  I arrived at work and discovered that none of my lesson plans were done.  I came up with some quick easy lessons that allowed me to stay at my desk.  I managed to get several other things done like registering for a childbirth class, making an appointment with a new primary care physician (even though I have a gynecologist and an endocrinologist, I don’t currently have a primary), I caught up on my blog, and I tried to straighten things out with my bill from the lab that I got last week.

I called my insurance company and they only pay 75% of the cost of lab work after a $300 deductible.  If only I had known that, I may not have gotten the NIPT, which costs approximately $1500; 25% of which I am responsible for.  That means another bill of almost $400 plus the other labwork they did in December.  I paid my smaller bill of $5 and started on a payment plan for the other bill I had.  I dreaded getting the others.  I should really keep a running tally of how much this pregnancy is costing me.

I really didn’t get anything done that was work-related.  I still have my lesson plans for the week to do, papers to grade, plus some photocopies to make for some of my classes.  But, but the time school was over, I was exhausted and wondering how I’d manage to drive home.  It’s starting to seem like every day I hit a wall at 3:00pm and just lose all my energy.

When I got home, Kyle wasn’t feeling well.  I cuddled with him for a little while and then fell asleep.  I woke up for an hour or two of intense crankiness, then fell back asleep.

Wednesday January 18, 2017
I awoke early again, wanting to do yoga again.  I got distracted with a game on my computer while I ate my healthy breakfast.  While I was playing, I heard Kyle walk to the bathroom and throw up.  A few minutes later, he did it again.  I guess he has managed to catch the flu that was going around his job.  The flu is going around at work for me too.  It went around the Kindergarten in December.  Now the 1st and 2nd grade has it.  I had decided to refuse the flu shot, even though my gynecologist strongly recommended it.  I know that a flu shot is just an educated guess as to which strain will go around this year.  And I suspect that I have already been exposed to three strains: the kindergarten one, the one Kyle has, and the 1st and 2nd grade one.  In addition to all of that, apparently one of the strains is vaccine-resistant, according to the CDC.  I’m hoping that I don’t catch it.  I don’t need to use up any more sick days this year!

Thursday January 19, 2017
Today was a very long day.  I was not looking forward to it, but I steeled myself and told myself that I would get through it.  It went more quickly than I thought it would.  I was feeling a little off throughout the day, but by the end of the day, I did feel better. I my dance rehearsal went oddly well today. In fact, all of my rehearsals have been doing very well.  It’s almost disconcerting that things are going so well and the kids are learning so quickly.  Even so, I really shouldn’t complain about something that good!

Friday January 20, 2017
I awoke exhausted today.  Every work week seems really long now.  I was told that the second trimester is amazing.  That I’ll have tons of energy and will feel the best ever in my life.  Maybe it’s just because I’m still at the tail end of the first trimester, but I’m really not feeling as great as everyone tells me I should.  When I got home, I laid down on the couch and went right to sleep.

Pregnancy Week 12

Saturday January 7, 2017
I was actually feeling okay today.  I managed to get up and get a few things accomplished.  It wasn’t much, but it was more than I had expected, so I was grateful.  I was also incredibly hungry, so I ate a fair amount of food throughout the day.  Maybe the baby is going through a growth spurt or something.  Around mid-afternoon, though, my energy level just crashed.  I just laid down on the couch and napped on and off for the rest of the day.  Well, at least I had a little energy for some time.

Sunday January 8, 2017
I woke up, got up, and transferred to the couch, but I didn’t do or eat anything.  I probably played on my phone for a while or watched some tv.  I just remember feeling worse and worse with every hour that passed.  I was feeling truly wretched when Kyle woke up and didn’t want to make me anything for breakfast.  I dragged myself off of the couch and drove to a diner where I could order some quick food.

I felt less nauseous when I got home, but my head was still feeling swimmy and “off” so I laid back down on the couch.  That’s pretty much where I spent the remainder of the day.  I feel like such a lazy freeloader.  Kyle is the one who does the dishes, scoops the cat litter, and attempts to keep our apartment clean.  While all I do when I’m home is lay on the couch and nap intermittently.  It really bothers me.  I said something to him about it and he said that it evened out because I make more money and that I do help when I can.  It’s just that I really can’t lately and he understands.  He said that my body is worn out with growing a baby human and that’s okay because soon we’re going to have a son or daughter.  He can be so sweet sometimes!

We stayed up late together just watching movies and cuddling on the couch.  My sex drive has been non-existent since I got pregnant.  Even before I knew about it, I just wasn’t in “the mood”.  So far, Kyle has been very understanding about that too!

Monday January 9, 2017
When I got to work today, I noticed that my classroom was colder than usual.  I do know that they shut off the heat over the weekend, so assumed that they had just turned it on later than usual and that soon enough my classroom would be heated.  That wasn’t the case.  I taught my classes in my coat.  In fact, I never even took off my coat to teach my first few classes!  I had lessons planned that would allow me to rest every so often because I knew I still tended to get nauseous and dizzy.  However, to keep my students warm, I did some lessons on the art of movement.  I was surprised that I could handle it, but I mostly did.  Even stranger, I didn’t fall asleep during the art documentary later in the day like I did last week.

When I got home, I felt like I couldn’t get warm.  It was probably because I had taught in the cold all day.  It took a lot of time, but eventually, I did warm up and was able to nap.

Tuesday January 10, 2017
Today we had heat at work.  In fact, my classroom was more like a sauna than anything.  After yesterday, I didn’t care how hot it was, so long as there was heat!  Today went well, even though I still couldn’t quite focus on getting stuff done.  I still have a bit of a to-do list that I couldn’t get to, despite theoretically having the time to do it.  I just couldn’t focus.  I did the bare minimum and made sure that my lesson plans were done and my photocopies were made, but I didn’t get to some of the other stuff that will need to be done eventually.

As always, I went home and took a nap.  When I woke up, I got the mail and saw that I had a bill from the lab company from November.  They charged $399 more than the insurance paid.  I was hoping that there was a mistake or something.  The problem was that I will always have other people around because I share my room with the music teacher on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, so I won’t even be able to look into it until next week.

Wednesday January 11, 2017
Kyle woke me up in the middle of the night, clearly terrified.  He was sitting straight up, but somehow he was still stuck in some kind of dream.  He kept saying things like “the road is too narrow” and “the people are going to get hurt”.  I wasn’t sure if it was something related to his seizures or not.  I wasn’t sure if I should leave him alone, try to wake him up, or try to comfort him.  I tried to tell him that it wasn’t real, that he was dreaming, but he didn’t seem to hear me.  I tentatively put my arm around him and he clung onto it like it was the difference between life and death.  We stayed like that and eventually my words seemed to get through to him.  It took him a long time to calm down and eventually we both went back to sleep.

When I woke up, I decided to confide in a coworker at my school.  I decided to tell her that I was pregnant and ask her what she thought the best course of action is.  She seems to be very tuned into the politics of this particular school whereas I can never guess how people are going to react.  She somehow guessed that I was pregnant.  It was probably because of how quickly into our relationship we got “married”.  She recommended that I talk to someone from the union first, then tell our principal.  Thankfully, the way the due date is set up, I won’t have to take any time off.  The main problem is to explain the difference between my marriage date and due date to a very conservative community.  I breezed through the day, nervous about how things would go with the union rep.

I couldn’t nap when I got home.  I was too worried about things, including that lab bill.  It wasn’t just that bill, which I could pay if I really scrimped this month, but the bills I haven’t gotten for the other labs that have been taken since then.   When I did get her on the phone, I was surprised to find that it wasn’t even a long conversation.  She said the main problem is to not violate the “scandal clause” in the contract.  She said it would be easily done if I just tell people I’m due in “late summer”.  It seemed like it could work, but I was a bit dubious because my principal can be so difficult about certain things and so supportive about others.  I hoped she’d be supportive this time.

Thursday January 12, 2017
I had another long day today.  I made sure to go in early so I could talk to the principal.  She seemed to take the news very well, especially since she wouldn’t have to worry about me taking time off.  Then she put two and two together and realized that my “marriage” date and my due date didn’t line up.  She didn’t say anything else, so I was hoping that it would be okay.  I worried for a little while about what that would mean for me, but then I got distracted by my multitude of classes today.

Then I had my dance rehearsal.  Everything went really well and I got a lot done.  I was feeling pretty good about life and the dance production by the end of the rehearsal.  I even went home in a good mood.

Friday January 13, 2017
I had a half day followed by a faculty meeting.  They provided pizza for lunch.  Normally, I’d have one or two slices, but I was just so ravenous that I ate three. I have been really hungry all week.  I had two plates of nachos with cheese every day for breakfast and it just went downhill from there.  I wanted to eat less and better food, but I was just so hungry all of the time.

I had a doctor’s appointment today so I had asked my principal if I could leave early, at 2:30, then I realized that if I was going to pick up Kyle at the train station, I should leave earlier.  I left at 2:15 instead, figuring nobody would notice.  As I was pulling away from the school, I got a phone call from a coworker saying that the principal was looking for me.  I hoped I wasn’t going to be in trouble because of it.  I got an email from my principal asking why I left early.  I responded trying to excuse myself the best that I could, but I’m just worried that I got on her bad side.

The doctor’s appointment went really well.  I found out that the NIPT came back negative.  The baby is negative for all of the chromosomal abnormalities they tested for!  I wasn’t really worried, but I was still relieved to find out.  The best part was the ultrasound.  I not only got to look at the baby, but I got to watch him move around for quite awhile.  They were trying to get the measurement for the back of the head for Downs Syndrome, which seemed odd and unnecessary to me since I already got the NIPT, but I didn’t protest because it meant I got to see the baby.  He moved around quite a bit and they had to wait until he was facing exactly the right way. It took awhile, so I got to watch him moving around and even saw him move his arms.  While we waited, Kyle tried to get me to find out the sex of the baby. I’ve gotten in the habit of calling the baby “him”, but we really don’t know what the sex is.   If we’re having a girl, I really don’t want tons of pink, frilly dresses.  If we’re having a boy, I don’t want tons of sports jerseys.  So I remained firm and told them not to tell us.  I got two pictures from the ultrasound.

When we got home, we posted one of the ultrasounds on Facebook and decided to announce our pregnancy to our friends, in general.  We got tons of congratulations, which was nice.

Pregnancy Week 11

Saturday December 31
Kyle and I drove several states away to pick up his remaining belongings from his ex. The drive was long and I was very annoyed that everything wasn’t ready to go when we arrived. Then his ex tried to dicker about what things of his she wanted to keep when it was pretty clear what belonged to him and what belonged to her. My annoyance showed, so I pretty much stood further away from everyone and just waited for them to finish. I found out later that they had inquired why I was so angry and Kyle lied for me. I was initially very angry that he felt that he had to lie for my behavior. I wondered if I should be worried about my behavior to them, but realized that I cared too little about them to care that I treated them poorly. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.

After thinking about it longer, I realized that Kyle lying to them was actually a good thing. It wasn’t that he cared about their opinion of me, but the fact that he’s truthful to me and not to them made me feel better. I was in a bad mood and I started getting really annoyed that with the long drive and everything that Kyle had not expressed his gratitude for the long drive, me taking him out for lunch, etc. He also spent a lot of the trip complaining about various things like where I decided to stop for gas (when he was asleep and therefore unable to even give an opinion on the subject). We ended the day on a good note, somehow. He apologized for complaining a lot and thanked me for driving all that much and for the lunch.

Sunday January 1
I went over the Rachel’s house and hung out with several friends there.  We talked about about my pregnancy and I managed to get all of their addresses for the baby shower.  I was still tired and feeling off.  While everyone brought food with them, there were only two things I really wanted to eat.  And I couldn’t stop eating those two things!

I went to my mom’s house afterwards.  My youngest sister, her daughter, and her husband were there.  We exchanged gifts and ate dinner together.  My youngest sister is expecting her second child.  We told her daughter that she was going to have a cousin. She is so adorable!  She pointed to my belly and asked if I had a baby in there.  I told her I did, but that my baby would be coming after her mommy’s baby.

I had a good time, but it took a lot of energy out of me.  Will I even have energy and feel un-nauseous and un-dizzy again!?

Monday January 2
I spent the entire day on the couch.  I sort of watched some movies, but I mostly just drifted in and out of sleep throughout the day.    I really accomplished very little over the break other than just taking it easy and resting.  Am I going to be capable of going back to work?

Tuesday January 3
I tried very hard to go to bed early last night, but it didn’t happen. I must have slept too much during the day yesterday.  Eventually, I managed to drag myself to work, but I was really tired.  I did the best I could with my classes and made it through the day.  I also did my best to make sure to eat two crackers every hour.  I did  a pretty good job and it helped a bit with the nausea.  I showed a documentary to one of my older classes who was learning about art history and I fell asleep.  Thankfully the kids didn’t notice!  As soon as I got home, I went right to sleep.

Wednesday January 4
I was tired throughout the day today.  I had an easier day so it was okay that I wasn’t feeling too well.  I couldn’t stand for long periods of time without feeling dizzy, so I had made sure to plan my lessons accordingly.  It mostly worked out.  Again, I fell asleep as soon as I got home.  I really miss being able to do something when I get home.  Well, I’m at the end of my first trimester, so this shouldn’t last for too much longer.  I hope.

Thursday January 5
Today I was really worried about getting through the day.  I had seven classes, mostly with my tougher classes.  Then I had a rehearsal for my annual dance production.  I was really worried about getting through my classes today and then having energy to go through choreography with my students.  Somehow, I’m not sure how, I managed.  I even found a moment to take a break and eat a few crackers.  By the time I drove home, though, I felt so exhausted that I was concerned about my ability to actually drive without falling asleep.

Friday January 6
This felt like one of the longest work weeks of my life and it was only four days long!  I was counting the minutes just waiting to get out of there.  Eventually, finally, the moment arrived when I could go home and sleep!  And so I did.

Pregnancy Week 10

Saturday December 24
Kyle went to work and I drove to visit some relatives. My dad’s side of the family all get together on Christmas Eve. I really wanted Kyle to meet them, but because he’s the one with the least seniority, he couldn’t get the day off. I saw all my family with the intention of telling them all that I was pregnant. However, after a cursory “Hello, how are you?” They visited with their own immediate families. My own immediate family didn’t attend.   My dad decided to stay in Florida. My sisters decided to drive to visit their spouses’ families this year. I really didn’t have the opportunity to tell anyone, so I didn’t.

I thought it was rather odd that I didn’t tell them. I was unsure if it was really because I wasn’t ready to tell them or if I just felt odd that I really didn’t have a long enough conversation with anybody to actually tell them.  I drove home and Kyle and I exchanged presents.  I was a little disappointed with the gift that he thought I’d like.  It was a quill for writing.  However, he neglected to give me any ink for it, so it was useless.  He knows that I write blogs and assumed that I enjoyed writing without a computer, which isn’t correct.  He obviously put some thought behind it, so I pretended to like it anyway.

Sunday December 25
We went to my mom’s house for Christmas.  They were very generous, especially for me.  I got a lot of very nice gifts.  They were also very generous to Kyle and gave him several presents as well.  It was a small gathering because both sisters were celebrating with their in-laws, but it was nice.  I was tired and feeling off anyway.  I did enjoy myself, but I think I did more than usual because it was a small, quiet gathering.

Monday December 26–Friday December 30
I was feeling nauseous, tired, and dizzy for the majority of this week.  I had some bad brain fog too.  I had a to-do list for this week, but I didn’t even manage to do a single thing on the list.  My mind was working slowly.  I couldn’t work on knitting or read a book.  I haven’t finished either pregnancy book because I haven’t been able to concentrate or focus on it.  I read as far as the 8th month, so hopefully this brain fog goes away by then.

My middle sister called me to let me know that she’s planning my baby shower and asked what I wanted.  I hadn’t been to a baby shower since I was a little kid.  I had no idea what happened at them or what sorts of things were expected to happen.  I simply asked that we made it co-ed.  Both Kyle and I have a lot of male friends, so I thought it would be nice if they were made to feel welcome.  She also asked for names and addresses of everyone I wanted to come.  I told her that I would be announcing the pregnancy around week 13 and that I’d make sure to get the names, phone numbers, and addresses of everyone who I would want to invite.

On that same note, I sat down with my mom as a guide and completed my baby registry.  I just hoped that I managed to include everything that we’d actually need for the baby.  I didn’t include any toys, assuming that people would include toys regardless of whether or not we asked for them.

I went in for my NIPT on Wednesday and was told I’d receive a phone call in 10 days with the results.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with the test, it’s recommended with “high risk pregnancies” like mine.  They draw blood, separate the baby’s DNA from mine, and check it for chromosomal abnormalities.  It’s 99% accurate.  I don’t feel like anything in particular is wrong with the baby, but I’d like confirmation to know for sure!