Today seemed to be even more crazy than yesterday! I’m not sure how that happened, but I always felt like I was running around like a chicken with the head cut off. I was glad when my classes were over. These were always a stressful group of students. When the kids went home for the day, I started getting more stuff done. I caught up on my bills. I had a very large pile, I had been putting it off for that long! I was worried that I wouldn’t have enough money, but it turns out that I did. That was a big pile of stress that was lifted off of my shoulders!
I had recently purchased a dream book. It’s basically a workbook to help you live the life you want, become happier, and to live for your purpose. Because it seems like I always have too much to do and I still haven’t finished my first book yet, that I would never get anything accomplished that I wanted to do. I hoped this book would help. I started filling it out. I got throught he first two pages about my career when I reread the directions. What would an ideal career look like three years from now. Ugh. I erased it all and wrote it again. However, I was pleased to find that the things I had wrote of my present circumstances helped me realize what I wanted out of the future.
I still didn’t have many parents interested in talking to me at the open house, but at least I had a few. My drive back home was difficult because I was so tired, my body wanted me to fall asleep. I managed to fight sleep off. When I arrived home, I had a cigarette and thoguth about all the things I had to pack tonight. I am going camping this weekend with Kyle and a bunch of other people and I plan to leave after work tomorrow. While I smoked, I asked Kyle about what to pack because I couldn’t think straight. He helped me compile a list.
We continued to talk as I procrastinated. He was thinking that maybe we should astart working to have a kid now. It was what I always wanted, but I was hesitant. Why was I hesitant now? I always told myself that if I reached this age without any prospects at having a kid with someone else that I’d do it on my own, through a sperm bank or whatever. Now that I am at this age, I have a guy who wants to have kids with me, what am I worried about? Maybe it was because we have only been dating for two months, because he has admitted that he habitually cheats on people, or because I could lose my job for becoming pregnant. I know why he wanted to start trying now. My last two periods have been remarkably short and I am most decidedly no pregnant. Could I be going through an early menopause? I know he is worried that I might not be able to have them. I asked him what would happen if I couldn’t. He said that we’d adopt. I was happy he didn’t want to leave, but glad he wants to make a family together any way we can. Well, I supposed I didn’t have to make any decisions now anyway. I would be seeing him too sporadically for the next month or so to be likely to get pregnant. Maybe by the time he moves in with me I can figure out what is bothering me and how we can overcome it. I got to bed late, like sometime after midnight. Everything that could be packed tonight, was. The rest will have to be done tomorrow morning.