Monday August 1, 2016

I awoke in a lot of pain.  I also woke up feeling lost.  I suppose that it is some sort of a manifestation of my depression.  I couldn’t think of what I wanted to do.  I had nothing driving me to do anything, no motivation.  And I started feeling those sharp jolts of pain running down my spine again.  I tried to figure out which movements were causing it, but so many of them did.  It hurt to walk.  I couldn’t do anything that needed to be done as far as cooking, eating, or doing dishes was concerned.  I tried talking to Kyle, but he wasn’t much help.  I did have to go to the store and pick up a few things.  I ate something and tried to get hydrated, hoping it would help.  It was painful to walk around the store, but at least I had a purpose.   It got gradually better, but was by no means great.  It just meant that the sharp jolts occurred with longer intervals of time in between.

I spent the afternoon trying to calm Kyle down about court.  He had a hearing about his child support payments being past due.  Apparently one of the reasons he was behind was because his ex-girlfriend had offered to pay them if he moved in with her, but she never did.  And now it had gotten to the point where he had to go to court.  He was worried about jail.  That seemed counter-productive.  If he was in jail, he couldn’t earn the money to pay them.  Then the subject changed and it was looking like it may be possible for him to come to the camping/hiking event after all!  He would know for sure on Wednesday.

In need of some good cheer, I visited my Pennsylvania friends again.  I hung out with them while I worked on my latest knitting project.  While doing both of these things, I also chatted sporadically with Kyle.  He talked about how fast things were moving between us and how we must both be crazy.  I got the feeling that he was going to tell me that he loves me.  Then the topic of children came up.  I didn’t bring my diaphragm with me and we really don’t like condoms.  He mentioned pulling out which is not foolproof either.  The problem is that I knew that in the heat of the moment that we would both forgo condoms or pulling out.  We talked about the possibility of pregnancy.  We were both oddly okay with it.  We were both scared, but the thing that scared us was the fact that we were both so okay it and what that meant for us.  Even weirder was that the thought of us having sex with absolutely no protection made us want it more.  Maybe it was the idea of the taboo?  Or the strong desire we have to have kids together?  We are both clearly fucked up.  At least we’re the same kind of fucked up.

Relationships – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – depressed

 

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