Wednesday July 20, 2016

I had to sleep on the floor last night. I awoke early and uncomfortable, but I really didn’t want to see or talk to Jenn yet. When she woke up, I pretended to be asleep for a while. I didn’t know why, but I had this weird urge to just make up some excuse, pack up, and get the fuck out of her apartment as soon as humanly possible. I got up and packed my things. She came out of her bedroom crying saying she just needed me to listen to her for awhile. She said she was having “anxiety problems”. No, she was overreacting to a life situation, just like I used to do a lot (and still occasionsally do). Don’t get me wrong, overreacting to life situations, having them seem worse than they are is, in my opinion, a sign of mental illness. But at the same time, crying over money and guy troubles seems like a part of life, not a symptom of anxiety.

I realized that when I met her over 10 years ago, we were enough alike to become pretty good friends in less than a year. I’m assuming that’s because we had so much in common. And we probably did. She hadn’t given up on life yet and was getting every training she could think of to try and get a job better than the one she had. I still suffered a lot from depression problems. I would say that we were pretty similar. I spent the next 10+ years trying everything I could do to help my mental illness. And while I am still nowhere near perfect, I am significantly better than I used to be. However, she spent the last 10+ years giving in to her mental illness and she’s now on disability. It’s like we took divergent paths and I was happy for the one I chose, despite how difficult it was. I also felt bad for her. Thinking about how her and Brianne had come downhill so fast in the 10+ years it had been since I had seen them made me depressed. I don’t know if it was because it reminded me of how far I had come or what I used to be like, but my mood plummeted.

I stayed long enough for her to stop crying and calm down a bit. Kyle and I messaged a lot throughout my conversation with her, but she didn’t seem to notice or care that I was on my phone most of the time that she was talking. I made my drive home and went to bed early.

I have been thinking a lot about why I had assumed that Jenn had made up her symptoms. It wasn’t just because she was easily able to walk, it was the flippant way she talked about being lucky to be on disability because she could never afford if she had a job. It is also the nature of a fibromyalgia diagnosis that the only way to diagnose it is to reule out everything else. Maybe they ruled out everything else because nothing is wrong with her. Or is it just the nature of people these days to second-guess people’s “invisible illnesses”?


Relationships – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – depressed

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