Thursday July 21, 2016

I awoke early and started to clean up my apartment. My cats had made a real mess of the place while I was gone. One of them dug up half of the plants in the windowsill. And somehow, sometime while I was gone, the door to the bathroom, where I keep the litter box, got closed. That meant that the cats were “doing their business” elsewhere. I cleaned up the obvious places, but I had yet to find the main place they were urinating. It had to be underneath some piece of furniture. I put off my search for it and straightened up, did the dishes, swept up the dirt, etc. I got a text from Jeff saying that he wasn’t feeling well, that his stomach was giving him problems. He told me to give it a few hours and he’d let me know if he couldn’t come over. I hoped it couldn’t. I felt guilty doing anything with him, even though Kyle and I are not exclusive. I took a break from cleaning and sat on my bed chatting with Kyle.

Then, the unexpected happened. Kyle talked of wanting to be exclusive. It had really only been about a week since he decided that we were dating at all. I told him of all of my fears. Then I reminded him of all of his fears. Then he told me that he is scared, but that he thinks I’m worth it. Not that I was hard-hearted before, but that really melted my heart! We talked some more, but I never officially said we’d be exclusive. I guess I must have harbored more fears than he did. Even so, I never told him “no” either. Eventually, Jeff got back to me. He was feeling too poorly to come. He talked of rescheduling for another time. I was relieved.

I took a nap and tried to get some stuff done. My printer was dead, so I needed to buy a new printer if I was going to apply for those jobs near where Kyle lives. I bought the printer, worked to set it up, but I couldn’t get my stupid laptop to recognize it   I also contacted some co-workers so I could get some recent letters of recommendation. I was taking a big chance, trusting the coworkers to not tell my principal that I was applying elsewhere. I just hope I chose the right ones. Kyle and I talked some more and discussed our biggest flaws. We both had a fair amount of flaws, but they were mostly the same. Even so, the conversation depressed me. He also confided in me that he had cheated on his last girlfriend. He said he hadn’t told anybody about it. I feel kind of bad writing about it here, even though I have obscured several details about him. He said that was why he was so scared of committing to me. He was afraid that he would do the same thing to me and he never wanted to hurt me. I guess I didn’t realize the depths of my feelings for him before now. As soon as I pictured him cheating on me, I felt an immense pain in my heart. Where did that come from? I guess I really didn’t realize how much I liked him. I had hoped that he would reboot the conversation about exclusivity, but he never did. I imagined that it might be because when he was confronted with the nature and extensiveness of my depression, maybe now he was scared. When we stopped chatting, I drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

Relationships – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – varied, more down than anything


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