Saturday July 16, 2016

I awoke still smiling after an oddly restful night of sleep.  It was oddly restful because I was sleeping on my sister’s couch and her husband had to get up at 4:30am and walk through where I was sleeping to shower and get ready.  Despite the good mood, it took me a long time to get going.  I lingered over breakfast.   My sister and I took a scenic walk.  We didn’t talk much, but I was happy and peaceful.  At one point, she brought up a point that she thought she was right about and I thought I was right about.  Normally, we would argue our points until someone looked it up and was proven wrong.  However, today, I really didn’t care.  I had heard the phrase “You can either be right or you can be happy,” but this was the first time that I actually never even felt the slightest need to be right.  My sister, who was used to arguing such points with me, seemed confused.  She kept arguing her point, even though I told her she could be right.  Then she looked up the answer on her own, saw that she was right, and said so.  I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Okay.”  I thought it was amusing how much it threw her off!

I stayed and finished watching the movie we started last night, I packed my things, and left.  My college was having an alumnae weekend and it happened to be located close to where Kyle lives.  It worked out well because on Facebook it looked like I was in the area for that rather than just to see him. Until we were in something committed, I really didn’t feel the need to advertise it.  It’s not that I was ashamed of it either, far from it.  It’s more that I’ve confided in people about so many things that have failed lately that I really didn’t want to tell people about it until I was sure of something.  It also gave me something to do while I waited for Kyle to get out of work.  I found a few people I went to college with!  While it was good to see them, it took less than an hour before the novelty wore off and I was ready to get out of there.  As much as I liked them, we hadn’t seen each other in years and clearly had nothing to talk about.

I drove to Kyle’s house.  As soon as I saw his face, I could tell he was drained.  He had a long day at work today and had a ridiculous split shift yesterday.  We hung out in his bedroom for a while, cuddling.  He expressed his surprise at how quickly he ended up getting attached to someone after his last girlfriend.  I told Kyle that I was upset about Carl for all of five minutes before I started getting attached to him. In hindsight, I can understand that it’s more surprising to him.  As much as I liked Carl, it’s not like I was with him for very long.  I’m not sure how long he was with his ex, and I’m kind of afraid to ask, but it was definitely long enough for them to move three states over together.  But I also wasn’t about to complain about him getting attached to me.  Kyle and I talked and had a lot of fun conversations as we cuddled.  He also asked me if it wasn’t working us not falling too fast.   I told him I’m trying not to and mentioned the online dating and Frank, though not by name.  Kyle usually attends the camping/hiking event every year, but he couldn’t this year due to his need for work and funds.   He told me that he understands completely if I want to sleep with other people since it’s happening.  He said to go hog wild if I feel the need.  He also said I didn’t have to.  I wasn’t sure if he was warring with the idea in his head that he wanted to be exclusive or if he really wanted me to have one last chance for random flings before he does decide to commit.  I don’t think he realized that I’ve long outgrown random flings.  I’d probably hook up with Frank (whom I long ago started thinking of only a s friend) and that’s it.  I told him something along those lines.  I’m not sure if that made him feel better and worse.  I also told him that he’s the only friend who was a fuck-buddy who I got attached to.  I figured it was better not to tell him about the mistaken assumption of last summer where I thought Frank wanted more than sex and friendship from me.  Besides, that’s all in the past, for me at least.  And seeing as how Frank has only messaged me once since I visited him last August, I’m inclined to think it’s the same for him.  Anyway, honestly, the only reason I plan to hook up with Frank at the camping/hiking event is because I’m not exclusive with Kyle.  Sure, sex with Frank was fun, but if Kyle and I were exclusive, I’d be perfectly okay not hooking up with anyone.   Was Kyle upset that I had plans to hook up with someone else?  Was he jealous? I thought he was still getting over his ex.  I was confused. I wasn’t sure what he was getting at by bringing it up, so I just told him I’d only probably be hooking up with the one friend.  I mentioned that we had hooked up before last year and left it at that.

Kyle and I decided to scrap our movie plans.  We got a quick dinner, but mostly just enjoyed each others’ company and each others’ touch.  Due to our aging bodies, we each had to shift because of pain several times.  But we were always touching at some point. At one point, he asked if he was worried about what would happen afterwards. He assumed we’d break-up eventually.  And he’s right, we definitely might.  I mean, every other relationship I was in before him ended in a breakup.  Why not this one?  He was concerned for our friendship.  I told him I was only friends with two exes.  And that was because those were the only two guys that had our relationship end for reasons other than personality issues.  I told him that it depends on how things ended.  But I also never enter into any relationship thinking about the end.  I always hope it will never end.  But it always does.  Maybe he was wiser in this after all.  I don’t think I said what I was thinking very well, but I didn’t think we shouldn’t get into something for fear of our friendship because having these feelings and not acting on them would also ruin our friendship.  Even so, I have to hope that maybe this time things will be different and it won’t end.

Eventually, things led to sex.  And again, it was very good.  It’s kind of funny because most of the time when I look at Kyle, I see his gorgeous eyes or the lips that I want to kiss.  However, there was one moment where all I saw was a fat kid.  It’s not like he’s a kid, even though he’s 7 years younger than me.  He turns 30 in the same month that I turn 37.  And he is on the bigger side, but he’s not the biggest guy I’ve dated.  It’s just interesting that my point of view shifted briefly and saw him in a different light.  But it didn’t last long.  The rest of the time, all I saw was the amazing person I knew.  Who felt like me but not me.  Who I understood so well.  Who understood me so well.  Who made me feel so safe in his arms.  Who it just felt good to be with.  It wasn’t anything electric, although his kisses often felt that way.  It was more of a calm, like a coming home, a belonging.  And I know I said something similar about Carl, but it was different with Kyle.  With Carl, it felt like our bodies belonged together.  With Kyle, it almost felt like our souls belonged together.  At one point over the course of the night, I joked that we must not be as self-loathing as we thought since we both have such feelings for someone who was just like ourselves at the deepest level.  Don’t get me wrong, we definitely have our differences, but they’re more superfluous than anything.

We also discussed when he would see me again.  After I returned home on Wednesday, I had set aside the next week and a half to prepare for the camping/hiking event.  He asked me if I would come up and visit again.  I said I would.  We also made tentative plans for him to come and visit me when he had a few days off in a row in August sometime.  We decided to wait for his schedule before confirming anything.  But it was really nice to know that he was looking forward to seeing me again enough to ask about it.  On his advice, I’ve been trying very hard not to “fall headfirst”.  So far, my efforts have been effectual, but how much longer would they last?  Needless to say, we fell asleep in each others’ arms.


Relationship – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – fantastic

 

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