Wednesday July 13, 2016

I awoke early.  Even more uncharacteristically, I got up and got stuff done relatively quickly today.  I took an early morning walk.  I did some ab exercises.  I went out, got more soil, finished my garden, and watered all of my plants.  Then I went to my bank to work on changing my name.  I had finally received my license and social security cards with the changed name on it, so I wanted to finally get rid of our joint credit card.  The bank resisted stating that he’d have to come there with me.  My ex-husband was living two states over and was unlikely to come and cancel a card that he could eventually use.   I finally got pissed off and made a big scene.  The people at the bank caved in and closed the account.

When I got home, I had several other things to do, but was feeling tired, so I took a nap.  When I woke up, I was still tired and groggy and unmotivated.  I talked to a few guys from the dating sites.  I took a full-body picture of myself and most of them never responded.  I’m curvy with a few extra pounds, so I debated which to post on my profile.  I stated that I was curvy.  Apparently I should have posted that I have a few extra pounds.  I wasn’t too upset because I was also chatting with Kyle.

Kyle talked about wanting to move in with a guy who was a mutual friend of ours, Aaron, but I knew that they didn’t get along that well the last time they lived together.  Even so, Kyle preferred that to living with his parents as he did now.  I asked him and he told me I should get a job up there and we could move in together.  I was shocked and pleased by his desire to live with me.  I told him maybe he could get a job where I was so he could move in with me.  He brought up his son.  He had a son with some woman he was dating who had cheated on him.  She never even told him that he had a son until he was tested for state-mandated child support.  I told him it was admirable that he wanted to be a good father, but felt disappointed.  There had been no jobs in his area in my field of teaching any time that I was looking for a job.  I would have moved there in a heartbeat.  I still have friends there and where I am now, I have none.  I contemplated looking for a job up there anyway, even though I had already signed a contract with my current school district.  I let the subject drop because I couldn’t think of other things to add.  I would love to be with him, to live with him, and was very excited at the idea of him bringing it up.  Then, not long afterwards, he brought up some of the things he enjoyed about sex with me.  My heart, which still has feeling for him, but dared not to expect anything, started to hope.  I tried not to let it, but it did.

I told him I had to get to bed early because I had to leave for my middle sister’s place in the morning.  He wished me a good night.  I tried so hard to get to sleep, but it was really difficult.  My heart had swelled with hope and excitement and I just couldn’t get to sleep.  I told myself it was in vain, but I still couldn’t help it.  I eventually fell asleep with a smile on my face and hope in my heart.

Relationships – no

Meditation – yes

Mood – very good


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