I dreamed last night that I had an errand to run on my lunch break from work, but I fell asleep and was running late. I’m not sure why, but my shirt was gone and I only had a blanket covering up my chest. When I got to work, I found a t-shirt in my office, put it on, and ran to my next class. I was very late and my principal was in there, all ready to give me an unannounced observation. I tried my best to be professional, but I was so flustered that I couldn’t even remember what topic I was supposed to teach about. I checked my lesson plans, but they had somehow been deleted from the computer. I couldn’t even think of any of my usual standbys to make up. Afterwards, I tried to explain things to my principal, but couldn’t even remember what happened to my shirt. I lied and told her that it got caught on something and was irreparably torn and had to improvise, hence the t-shirt. She said she’d discount my observation and re-do it on another day. Then I taught my last class of the day and they were so rude and poorly behaved that I forced them to sit in silence for the last five minutes of the class.
I was supposed to hang out with my friend Ryan today, but he cancelled on me a few days ago. I made myself get up and take a walk, telling myself that it would help my mood. I told everyone I was already texting with and messaging that I was going on a walk and that I’d talk to them when I got back. I purposely left my cell phone at home. As I walked, I thought about Kyle. I still have feelings for him. I didn’t see how any of these mystery guys from the internet would attach me away from him. He and I don’t just have some history, but we share something far more rare. I was conflicted. I wanted to wait until Kyle was ready to date me. But he may never be ready. Is it worth taking the chance? It is for now. Anyone who reads this blog knows how fickle I can be and how quickly I can change my mind about guys. I felt like this one was different, but there’s no way to know for certain.
I also thought about the guys on the dating websites that I’ve been talking to. Was I just leading them on when my heart belonged to another? Was I the asshole? I weeded a few more guys out. One wanted me to be his Dominatrix. Another asked me if I shaved my pussy hair. A few others were Christians of the “we’re the only right religion so we need to convert you” variety. One called me “baby” after only exchanging a few sentences, which is a pet peeve of mine. And one was only interested in casual sex.
I updated my blog, somewhat annoyed by all of the messages that needed responding to. Kyle woke up and we had a long discussion about some of the things that we have in common.
Adam came over and we went for a walk and I poured out my woes about Kyle. He mentioned something that I thought was an interesting point. It’s not just that I was falling for guys quickly lately, it was that there was another component to them that I could not explain. I called it a spiritual component mainly because I consider spiritual things faith-based, and therefore aren’t able to be easily understood by logic. My sudden magnetic attraction to Carl certainly defied logic. And how it was possible to think the same way as someone else like Kyle also defied my logic. Sure, we had our differences, but there were surprisingly few of them. They were all superfluous, like his favorite color is orange and mine is blue. I wondered if the fact that my attraction to these most recent guys couldn’t be quantified or easily explained was a good sign or a bad one!
Adam left around the same time that I had to leave for my date. We met at a bar for a drink. He wasn’t that great looking and he really didn’t seem that interested in me. We had a lot of good conversations, but there was no spark that indicated anything romantic between us. I’m pretty sure he felt the same way. Rachel called at her appointed time (to give me the chance for an excuse to leave should he be a freak). I told her everything was fine. He hugged me before he left with no real indication of wanting to see me again. And I was just as okay with it as he seemed to be.
When I got home, I noticed that Kyle had sent me a message a few hours before. I told him I was out meeting a guy from a dating site and we resumed our regular conversation. He didn’t ask. I went to sleep not long afterwards.
Relationships – yes
Mediation – yes
Mood – varied