Sunday, July 10, 2016

I had a very disturbing dream.  I dreamed that my mom had an orange cat.  She was running late for something, but had to brush the cat first.  The cat had a lot of matted hair and would take some time.  I offered to do it.  I brushed the cat.  Then I took a knife and made a slit in its skin along the spine.  Then I made flaps on either side, so I could lift up the skin.  I took out the “meat”.  Then I looked at it and realized what I had done.  I had probably killed it.  I instantly felt horrible.  I took the cat and wrapped it in linen.  I decided to try and sew it back up and hope it would survive.  I took some silk thread that had been left to me by my grandmother.  I left the house because I knew someone would think something was amiss if I wasn’t gone to school or work by that time.  I went to neither place.  Instead, I ended up at various places, trying to discreetly sew the skin back on the cat.  When I had sewed up the back flap, I saw that it was still alive.  I felt very grateful that I hadn’t killed it, but felt horrible all over again for what I had done.  I had to keep switching locations because people kept getting curious about the bundle wrapped in linen that I carried like a baby.  By the time I got to the slit above its spine, the skin had already started swelling up.  I had managed to sew it most of the way closed before the dream ended.  I woke up horrified, not only with the content of the dream, but of how vivid it was.

I awoke still depressed.  I had no energy.  I had no initiative to do anything.  My mom and step-dad were coming over and taking me out to lunch.  I chatted a little with Kyle.  I told him that in the name of preserving our friendship, I was going to focus on finding someone else to attach myself to.   On a friend’s advice, I joined another dating site.  They’re all a little different.  This one I had guys start messaging me really quickly.  I didn’t get out of bed until the last possible minute to get dressed and be presentable before they arrived.  Uncharacteristically, they arrived late. They took me out to eat and I tried not to respond to the onslaught of responses on the dating site.  Then Kyle messaged me and I did feel the need to respond as soon as possible.  They didn’t seem like they wanted to or were planning on staying long.  I felt like I wanted to cry.  I forced myself to hold it in until they left.

When they left, I tried to cry, but couldn’t make myself.  I focused on improving the things I wrote in my profile.  I had so many guys messaging with me, that I didn’t have time to do anything other than message with them.  I also had one guy from the first dating site I tried offer to meet up with me for a drink tonight.  I realized I had no decent clothes to wear, so I dragged my stuff off to do laundry.  Throughout the entire time I worked on my laundry, I was chatting with various guys non-stop.  I started to weed some of them out.   There was a guy who was way too submissive for my tastes.  There were two guys who were over 50, but for the most part, they seemed like decent guys. Some even hinted at wanting to meet some time.

The guy I was supposed to meet in the evening had to cancel due to some “personal problems” and rescheduled for the next day. One of the guys I was chatting with called me.  There were several awkward silences.  That was to be expected.  I was surprised at his city accent and at the fact that he has a foot fetish.  We talked for a long time.  I finally realized that I was starting to fall asleep while on the phone with him, so I hung up so I could go to sleep.   When I hung up, I saw other messages from other people waiting to hear back from me.  I told them all I was going to sleep and then I did so.

Relationships – yes

Meditate – no

Mood – depressed


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