Saturday, July 9, 2016

I awoke early and cuddled with Kyle until my alarm went off.  My back hurt.  Embarrassed, I had to modify my movements to just get dressed and pack my things.  Kyle offered his help.  He carried my stuff out to my car for me, gave me a side-hug.  He asked me to let him know when I arrived home, and hugged me again.  I wanted a kiss.  I didn’t push for it.

I drove home.  I tried to focus on my audiobook, but I also thought about him.  I wanted to be with him.  There were reasons why we shouldn’t.  There were reasons why it would be a bad idea.  But the way both of us are is that if we both truly decided to work for something, we would make it work.  The problem is, I knew he just wasn’t there yet.  He was still talking about his ex too much yesterday to be over her completely.  And there’s the distance issue.  While it’s not insurmountable, it’s definitely problematic.

When I got home, I was instantly depressed.  My cats were very glad to see me, but I felt sad, lonely.  I made the mistake of confronting Kyle with the possibility of a relationship. He said he wasn’t ready for one because there were things he felt like he had to do first.  The long-distance issue also came up.  I pushed too hard and analyzed too much.  It was bad and he really didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night.  I felt horrible. I had lost a friend.  Someone so much like me that it was scary.  Someone that I just felt so comfortable being with because he almost was the same person that I am.  He wasn’t an unknown entity.  Even though we had some differences, there were very few of them.  I now know what people mean when they say their “other half”. It doesn’t mean that they’re half a person without them.  It means that they’re so much alike that it’s like God, the Universe, or whoever took two souls and made them with identical characteristics with just a few polar opposites: male and female, etc. I looked up the phrase “twin flame”.  Even if he never wants to date me, I always wanted him in my life.

I slept to try and forget my misery.  I awoke hoping to feel better and be more productive, but it really didn’t happen.  I chatted a bit with Rachel who just told me that Kyle needs time to process things and that he’d start responding to me again eventually. I went back to sleep.  More out of not wanting to think or feel anymore than from any real need for sleep.

Relationships – yes

Meditation – no

Mood – depressed


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