I awoke several times. Every time he shifted positions, which was a lot, I awoke long enough to shift with him. I eventually reached the point where I couldn’t sleep any more. I cuddled with him for a bit, but decided to get up and get a shower and prepare Sarah for the fact that Kyle slept over last night with me. When I got to her house, there was a note on the door. Sarah’s mother was not doing well so she had to go out of town to visit her in the hospital and Larry had to leave early in the morning for his job, so their place was deserted. I took a shower, packed my stuff, and we left.
I felt so conflicted inside and really couldn’t put my finger on why. I was angry and sad and happy and horny all at once. I couldn’t define it. I couldn’t quantify it. And I certainly couldn’t make it go away. I wondered about our conversation last night. I thought about the sex we had. I went to a pharmacy to get the plan B pill. As strange as it seems, I found myself wondering whether or not I should use it. Kyle put in absolutely no input in that respect. It was as if he didn’t care either way. He’s not one of those jerks who would just leave someone like that in the lurch. It was one of those things where he and I both desperately want kids. The main problem is that as a teacher, I might get fired for a pregnancy while unmarried. Of course, the public school system wouldn’t put it like that. Because I don’t have tenure, it would become one of those things were I’m “just not a good fit with the school district” at the end of the school year when they inform me that I will not be returning.
Kyle and I went to his place. I took a nap while he prepared things for the barbecue in the evening. I awoke less conflicted, though I still couldn’t put a finger on my feelings. People started to arrive and I knew some of them, so I busied myself while talking with them. I drank a little too much and talked a little too much about my past sexual exploits. I hoped Kyle’s parents didn’t hear them. Things wound down and we all sat around a fire talking. Then I realized what time it was and said I needed to go to sleep, since I had to leave early in the morning.
I was surprised, but pleased that Kyle followed me. He said he was tired, that he just wanted to sleep. I was strangely not tired. We talked for awhile. He differentiated different ways of holding hands. Apparently, to him, interlocking fingers symbolized a relationship. He said it was a holdover belief from grade school. After he said that, I immediately wanted to and had to force myself not to! We ended up doing some sexual things, ending with sex. It was not the crazy indescribable need for each other that we experienced the previous night, but it was still good. It ended with me orgasming. That’s when I knew I was in trouble. That only happens when I’m attached to the person. I said nothing and we both drifted off to sleep.
Relationships – yes
Meditation – no
Mood – varied