Thursday July 7, 2016

I awoke a few times, once to see the orange light of a sunrise peeking through the trees outside my window. As I did so, I felt some sort of strong emotional pain in my heart, but had no real reason or context for it. I awoke a few more times, but stayed awake around 8:00. I had managed to sleep 6 hours last night! And the other times I awoke, I didn’t experience the same emotional pain. Maybe it was in reaction to a dream that had faded from my memory, who knows.

I walked around a little, not wanting to wake anyone up, and ran into Sarah who was watering her flowers. We hugged and chatted. She asked me a lot about what I had been up to for the past 10 years or so. She seemed to have a hard time believing that I’m 36. Maybe she just didn’t want to admit to herself how much time had passed! She asked about my jobs. She asked about my marriage. Then she asked if there were any current love interests. My immediate thought was of Kyle. Dammit! When did that happen!? When did he change from a fuck-buddy to a love interest!? I told her a few of my fears, including the age difference and the distance. Well, if nothing else, it prepared her for his presence at some point.

Then I thought about it. I’m now thinking of Kyle as a love interest. That means I broke my own fuck-buddy rule of getting attached. How do I act now? Do I just pretend it didn’t happen and hang out with him and have sex with him anyway? Do I put a stop to it? I can’t tell him because then he’ll suggest that we do date and that will probably end badly for the several reasons I mentioned yesterday. I was in a quandary and didn’t know what to do or how to act. I decided to just enjoy my time with him while I’m visiting and see where it goes from there.

Sarah cooked me breakfast and it was amazing.  She talked about how shes’s at that time in her life where she’s gotta start taking care of the her mom and her brother.  At least most of her kids are out of the house.  She’s also fortunate enough that she has enough money to get by as well. We hung out for a little while, but then she had to go to work.

Kyle messaged me and told me I could come over to his place.  I arrived in the middle of a storm, so he had to stop his work prematurely.  He claimed that he had hoped to finish it by the time that I had arrived, but that didn’t end up happening.  I didn’t understand what I was doing there.  I didn’t understand how he wanted me to act when I was there.  He varied from sitting on the couch next to me, showing each other funny stuff from Facebook to sitting at the other end of the room being busy with stuff on his ipad.  I guess I kinda felt unwelcome and was wondering what I was doing there.  But then I also remembered that I told him that we were just friends.  That’s what’s going.  He likes me, but he’s treating me as a friend.  Well, I suppose it was my own fault.   His mom and step-dad stopped by.  It almost seemed planned, like that was what he was waiting for.  His mom seemed nice enough, but his step-dad had something that I didn’t like, but I couldn’t put my finger on why.

We went out to eat for dinner and then went over to Zak’s house.  We all hung out.  There were a few times where it was clear that Kyle and I had the same exact reaction to something that someone said and we made eye contact and smiled.  Then people got distracted with other things and I noticed Kyle’s eyes turned toward me more often than politeness required and at times when it seemed odd.  Zak took him into his workshop to show him something and Danielle took me to tell me about the latest developments in her toddler.  I’m not sure exactly what Zak and Kyle were doing in his workshop, but they were gone for almost two hours.  I got a chance to chat with some of the other people that I haven’t seen or talked to in awhile, so that was nice.

We left and went back to Sarah’s guesthouse.  It was late and her house had no lights on so we assumed that everyone had went to bed.  We went to the guesthouse.  It was hot and he immediately took off most of his clothes.  His stomach was bothering him earlier, so I assumed it still was.  We cuddled for awhile.  Then we fooled around for awhile, the problem was every so often, we’d talk and that often killed the mood.  Then we’d start fooling around again.  Sex ended up being similar and we ended up stopping with neither of us actually getting off.

We cuddled more and talked more.  It was amazing how similar we are.  He mentioned how poor a job we both did of not getting attached.  It was like he knew that we both knew what was going on.  Then he talked about how we would drive each other nuts if we were ever a couple.  Since we were on the subject, I gave him my list of reasons why we shouldn’t date.  He knocked most of the reasons down, but the distance was a big one.  He also couldn’t counter the rebound argument, though he said I was the only one who thought of it as an issue. The distance issue came back up.  I told him that once the school year started, I really couldn’t be coming up all that often.  He told me that I always had holidays.  I told him I hate long-distance relationships.  When did that happen?  I was ready to have one with Frank last summer.  Maybe it’s because I knew instinctively that neither of me nor Kyle would be content seeing each other every so often.  I knew us both too well.    So he said we’d just focus on having fun for the rest of my visit and go from there.  I was disappointed.

We cuddled some more.  He also talked about how we needed to get to know each other better.  Oddly enough, it was the opposite to the normal “getting to know each other” thing that most people talk about.  We somehow knew exactly who the other person was deep down and what is most important to each other but didn’t know many of the more simplistic things like what each others’ favorite color was and other trivial items.

Then he kissed me again.  We had kissed earlier and the kisses were nice.  This time, I don’t know what had happened, but damn!  There was such an energy and an intensity that it almost felt like a need to keep kissing him.  He felt it too, because he commented on it.  I’m not sure what happened, but for once in my life I let go of all reason and we just had unprotected sex.  It was amazing!  We cuddled and fell asleep in each others’ arms.

Relationships – yes

Meditation – no

Mood – good


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