Tuesday July 5, 2016

I awoke only 4 hours later, but four hours is more sleep than I got the night before.  The pain in my chest had lightened a little, but not much.  I did get out of bed relatively early, but that was only because I wanted a cigarette.  Adam was up early and had seen my status that I had posted last night. I changed the privacy of that status to private.  Adam called me not long afterwards. I told him the whole story with Carl.  He gave me a very different point of view.  So much of what happened relies on assumptions that it’s really difficult to tell if and what exactly happened.  He suggested I try and get the full story from Carl so I knew exactly what I was dealing with.  I tried texting him.  The texts were still failing.  I guess he found some weird way of blocking my texts.  Rebecca tried blocking my texts yesterday and they still appeared to go through, so that was strange.  I looked online to figure out how to do it and I couldn’t figure it out. I didn’t attempt to call.

I got up and went shopping.  Kyle had mentioned going swimming when I was visiting and mine got stolen at the laundromat, so I needed a new swimsuit.  I also desperately needed some summer clothes.  It took a lot of trying on, but I decided to buy clothes that made me feel like I was on vacation.  Because even though it was for two months, it really was a vacation.  Maybe if I dressed like it, I would feel like it.  I was in a better mood.  Then I had to drive down for another doctor’s appointment and I started thinking thoughts about Carl.  What if the woman was his ex of 10 years that he just recently got back together with?  What if they don’t last and he came crawling back to me next month?  How would I react?  Was he an asshole or merely confused?  Maybe I would wait to see what he had to say before I judged.  But I can’t wait to see what he has to say because he hasn’t fucking contacted me.  Maybe this is his way of not having to deal with the situation.  What a fucking cowardly thing to do, leave me in the lurch because he was too afraid to actually man up and tell me shit was over!?  My opinion of him and the situation changed by the minute

Then I realized I had his e-mail address.  Sadly, email is easy to ignore, but it was at least worth a shot.  I composed the following e-mail:

Hey, my texts still fail when they send to you. I can guess as to why, but I would appreciate it if you would do the kindness of telling me yourself.

I hoped he would at least answer some of the question marks.  I think the worst thing in the world is not knowing.  If I knew for sure that he wanted to be with her and not me, it would be easier.  I suppose that’s what I could conclude from his silence for so long.  But it’s just so much better to know.

I got a phone call from my endocrinologist.  It turns out that the testing showed a vitamin B-12 deficiency.  I think that’s interesting because I actually eat a fair amount of meat.  Even so, a B-12 deficiency can make people fatigued, sleep a lot, and it may even have an effect on depression.

I tried to spend the rest of the day getting stuff done.  I managed to straighten up a little bit and scoop my cat’s litter.  I also chatted with Kyle, Rachel, and a guy I had met on one of those internet dating sites.  I was surprised to get someone right away who started messaging with me.  He seemed nice enough, but it also seemed like for every thing we had in common, there was something else we didn’t have in common.  I felt a bit better.  I even started to feel tired around 10pm.  Kyle and I had cyber sex, but I fell asleep before he was able to finish.  I felt bad.  But it felt good to be able to go to sleep easily again!

Relationships – yes

Meditation – no

Mood – varied


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