Sunday July 3, 2016

I woke up quite late.  It was about 9:30am when I finally rolled over groggily and looked at my phone.   I wanted to go back to sleep.  I tried.  I failed. All I could think of was Carl and Kyle, Kyle and Carl.  Eventually, I dragged myself out of bed, and stumbled outside for a cigarette.  As I sat there smoking, I realized I was feeling pretty depressed.  I ran through the things in my mind that I needed to do for myself that would help.  Exercise?  Nope, I wouldn’t be able to force myself to that right now.  Meditation?  Yup.  Healthy food?  Yup.

I meditated for a good 45 minutes.  While it didn’t exactly help my mood, I was able to sort out a lot of what was going on in my mind and heart. I figured it out.  For whatever reason, Carl is still in my heart.  He’s still the one I want.  I’m almost resigned to the fact that despite whatever affection he claims to have for me, he’s not ready to do and be what I want him to.  Kyle does not have my heart.  I think that if I were ever to develop any affection for him, we would either do really well or really badly together.  We’re so much alike that I’m not sure if it would make it a fantastic relationship or one where we saw the flaws of ourselves in the other one and wanted to kill each other. But either way, it was a moot point.  My affection for Kyle just wasn’t there.  I still hadn’t heard from Carl and my texts to him still failed to send. And I needed to take action about Kyle.  As much as I wanted to have sex with him, I valued our friendship more.  If there was any way that I could salvage it, I would have to do so.

I went out, bought a salad.  I ate it, but it didn’t help.  I had bought some unhealthy food as well.  I ate that too.  I sat on the couch and watched a movie that I had expected to help assuage the feelings of loneliness.  Then I realized that it was July, the month where I was supposed to be focusing on my relationships.  I remembered the rules that I had set up for myself last year.  That I would talk to someone on the phone or hang out in person every day.  I figured this was just the thing to help me feel so not lonely.  I called my mom.  No answer.  I called my younger sister.  No answer.  I called my youngest sister.  No answer.  I called Rebecca, Christine, and Adam.  All no answer.

Saddened even further, I turned the movie back on.  Another half hour went by and my mom called back.  Just when we were running out of things to say, my younger sister called.  Then when we were running out of things to say, Adam called.  He made it a short call and said we’d talk later in the week and stuff.

Feeling a little better, I put the movie back on and started nodding off.  I decided if I was going to go to sleep, I might as well lay down.  I awoke at 5:30pm.  I saw that Rebecca had returned my call and that Christine had texted.  I also saw that Kyle had messaged me.  We talked a little bit.  He asked a question about sex (we have been discussing our sexual history on and off for a while now) when I told him maybe we shouldn’t have sex.  I explained about suspecting his attachment.  I mentioned that I wanted to have sex with him, but if given the choice between sex and our friendship, I would happily be sexually frustrated. We talked a lot about it and it seems like he’s doing what I’ve been doing.  Kind of using each other to get the friendship, sex, and physical intimacy that we both miss now that we’re technically single.  Maybe it sounds crass.  Maybe it is crass.  But that’s where we are and what we’re doing.  But I’m okay with it and so is he.  I’m just really glad we’re on the same page!  He thought I would think it was sexy to moan my name, so I really just was mistaken in that.

I was just about to go to bed when I saw a photo on Facebook.  Carl was tagged in it and he was standing very close to another woman.  It was the same woman I saw in a photo with him a few weeks ago.  He told me she was just a friend they ran into where he had taken his father and sister for Father’s Day.  He quickly untagged himself from that photo.  Seeing as it was the same woman again, I could no longer think it was a coincidence.  And the fact that they were taking pictures together more than once, made me believe that they were dating before I started going on dates with him.  When I was still with Diego, Carl told me that he hadn’t dated anyone since he broke up with his girlfriend of 10 years back in September.  He had absolutely no reason to lie about that, especially not at that point in time.

I was floored.  My heart hurt horribly.  I couldn’t believe it.  Both Rachel and Kyle were still up and I told them.  They both told me what an asshole he was.  Especially since we weren’t exclusive, there was no reason for him to lie about it, especially not in the beginning.  I couldn’t believe he was playing a double game with me.  He seemed so sincere.  So genuine.  He definitely played me well. I was seriously hurt.  I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes, even though I had initially intended to quit today.  I stayed up late talking.  One by one, everyone went to bed.  I tried to sleep.

Relationships – yes

Meditation – yes

Mood – depressed


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