Monday July 4, 2016

Around 6am, I gave up trying to sleep.  I got up, had two cigarettes to try and dull the pain in my heart.  It didn’t work.  My friend Ryan was online.  He works nights and had just come off of his shift.  He saw the picture on Carl’s profile and wanted to ask me how things were going with Carl.  I told him we had a few good dates, we’ve still been texting, but I haven’t seen him in a few weeks.  Ryan had commented on the picture mentioning that he thought Carl had been dating someone who (and he described me).  He also wished Carl all the happiness he deserves.  I was grateful to Ryan.  If nothing else, at least the other woman won’t be duped anymore either.

I tried to sleep again and managed for about two hours.  When I awoke, I called Rebecca.  She offered for me to come over and hang out.  I told her what had happened.  She told me that I get too attached too quickly. I knew that, but I didn’t know how to combat it.  She also told me that I think about futures and envision my future with men too quickly.  She’s right.  I do.  Buy mid-afternoon, I managed to cheer up enough to laugh at some jokes. Kyle got out of work and I started chatting with him on my phone.  I also told Rebecca about Kyle.  I told her that he’s a bit too young for me.  I told her that he lives far away.  She said age didn’t matter and that locations could always change.  I told her that we’ve both been working on getting over other people.  I also told her that I wished that maybe we could learn to feel for each other.  We’re both so much alike.  Especially in how we treat relationships.  Maybe I was rebounding on him.  Well, he’s the one who said we were using each other.

I felt better when I left, but as I was driving home, the pain in my chest welled up.  I tried using messaging with Kyle to keep me distracted as I smoked cigarettes and drove home.  When I got there, I laid down in bed and tried to sleep.  I tried to get myself to cry, telling myself that crying would help unravel the knot of pain around my heart.  I tried, but really couldn’t get going.  Until I thought about that time when I woke up and thought about the words I heard in my head “he’s the one”, thinking it was some sort of divine message.  I yelled at God, the Universe, whatever.  I cried.  I was angry.  I couldn’t believe that a deity would make me want kids as long as I can remember, make me a hopeless romantic, make me refuse to settle for the wrong guy, and yet not deliver!?  That’s so fucking cruel.  That’s a deity not worth worshipping.  And that, is how I started questioning my faith.  It went downhill from there.

I chatted with Kyle who doesn’t understand because he already has a son.  He told me that I could always focus on other things if I never had kids.  I told him the thought of living life without having birthed a kid was inconceivable.  For the first time in my life, I felt like if I hit menopause without having a kid of my own, that my life wouldn’t be worth living.  I cried for awhile again.  I’m sure he was unaware of how much that hurt me, but I started wanting to do something crazy.  I started considering the possibility of cutting myself.  In desperation, I turned to Facebook.  I wrote a completely vague-booked status that was also a clear cry for attention.  It was very surprising who responded too.  Ryan kept in touch because his night shift was slow.  Kyle sporadically responded to me, as did Rachel.  Oddly, Frank came out of the woodwork and started chatting with me.  I talked to him a little of the situation, but mostly about my discomfort of going back to the big camping/hiking event this summer.  He has almost gotten his backpacking gear together and was talking about joining the hike next year.  I offered to help him with assembling some of the gear that he didn’t understand when I saw him there.  I eventually did tell him the shortened version of what happened.  He said he was sorry.  I told him I was going to stop dating again for awhile.  I told him that lasted a whole 3 months the last time I tried to do it!  Frank also said he’d like to come visit me at my tent a few times.  I told him he was welcome to.  And then I thought about it.  Was he thinking of hooking up with me again this year?  Well, at least I’m no longer emotionally attached to him. Small favors.

Ryan took another tactic, which was coming up with amusing insults against Carl.  Since we had both grown up with him, he easily knew how to do it and what points to hit.  Mark, a happily married man who I’ve met a few times at a mutual friend’s parties over the years, also oddly offered me consolation.  He spent the conversation complimenting me in a manner that seemed almost over-the-top.  Well, with the combination of these various people, I started to slowly feel better.  One by one, they all went to bed and it was just Kyle left (Ryan had gotten distracted with some work responsibilities).  I felt bad about the way I had treated Kyle earlier, but I didn’t know quite what I said that made me feel like I had a reason to feel bad.  I mentioned the possibility of cyber sex, just to see if I could get interested in sex right now (because there was always the possibility that I couldn’t).  Kyle happily obliged.  As soon as he told me he was in his bedroom with only his shorts on, I couldn’t help it, I finally fell asleep. I felt bad, leaving him in the lurch like that, but I was glad to finally get some sleep.

Relationships – yes

Meditation – no

Mood – majorly depressed


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