Saturday July 2, 2016

When I awoke, I looked at my phone to see “Morning hun” texted to me by Carl.  It made me smile and I tried to text him back, but I couldn’t.  I was chatting with Rachel over Facebook messenger and she offered to text Carl for me.  Hers went through, so she relayed that I couldn’t text him.  She suggested that I try to call him.  I did.  I got a message stating that the calling restrictions did not allow my call to go through.  I tried dialing that number that does not allow the recipient to see my number and got the same message.  Carl relayed the message that he’d try and take his phone to get fixed later today.

While I decided not to go camping there, I still decided to go hiking anyway.  I drove up to hike.  I was in a very good mood on my drive up.  I was happy, singing along with the random songs that came on the radio and acting silly, dancing a bit as I drove.

When I got there, I had a song stuck in my head and I walked to the beat of it.  I was happy and ready for a good long hike.   A lot of people showed up, over 100, so we broke into smaller groups to leave at staggered times, similar to the big hiking event I attend at the end of July each year, only there are more people that attend that hiking event.  Anyway, I ran into the acquaintances I went hiking with last Saturday and they said I could go with them.  It felt good to be included.  However, I didn’t realize that because they’re such a small group that they join up with my old hiking group.  I had several dirty looks like “What are you doing here with us?”, mostly from the women.  The worst part was that nobody talked to me.  At all.  I found myself hiking alone.  After the first hour, I felt extremely alone, lonely, and left out.  I let myself hang back in the group.  Nobody noticed.  I turned around and went back.

I drove home, close to tears.  Carl was unreachable and he knew nothing about the kind of hiking culture that this involved.  Kyle knew what was going on, so I confided in him.  It just felt good to have someone I could talk to about it who understood.  In fact, Kyle was supposed to be hiking today except he ended up having to work.   He didn’t have to work until later, but he just wouldn’t have had the time to get there and back in time.  It was about two and a half hours away from us both.   Maybe I didn’t need a hiking group. I could always go out there on the day and just hike.  It couldn’t be nearly as lonely as it was today.  Especially if I convinced myself that it was better for me.  Honestly, it wasn’t the hiking itself that is the problem, it was the breaks between.  Everyone else typically socializes and that’s when I feel the most left out.  I wish I was better at it.  Maybe I’m out of practice.  Maybe I’m just not good at it.  I don’t know.

I noticed that Carl had been on Facebook, but had not checked his Facebook messages.  I realized that if he really wanted to communicate me, he could have.  And he didn’t.  I didn’t know what was wrong from me.  If any other guy had treated me like this, I would have given up and moved on.  Even though I had no romantic feelings for him, I valued Kyle’s friendship greatly.  I decided to take a nap so I would be awake to talk to Kyle when he got home from work.

I woke up and put on a movie.  I tried to catch up on my blog, but it was difficult for me to focus.  I decided to start drinking.  I didn’t actually have all that much to drink when Kyle got home and started chatting.  I continued to drink and was feeling quite buzzed.  Kyle brought up the idea of emotional attachment.  I told him that I thought there was a fine line between good friends who have sex and “something more”.  At the time, I couldn’t conceive of what that fine line was.   We discussed relationships and it sounds like we’re really very much alike in our approach to things.

We talked more about sex and what kind of sex he wanted to have when I came up there.  That devolved into cyber sex.  We both had a lot of fun, but there were two instances where he told me that he moaned my name.  I had started to get the idea that he was getting too attached to me. This seemed like proof.  I was too tired and too buzzed to do anything about it.  He went to sleep. I stayed up thinking about it for the next hour.  Eventually, I drifted off into a troubled sleep.

Relationships – none

Meditation – none

Mood – varied



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