Sunday June 26, 2016

I awoke early, but it took me a little while to get out of bed.  I managed to do one or two things, then attempted to go back to sleep.  It didn’t work.  I didn’t want to do anything.  My heart hurt.  It was because of Carl.  I still hadn’t heard from him.  My texts were not even going through.  I kept getting the “failed to send” message every time I tried.

I had made plans to meet some friends for a walk in the woods and a picnic.  It was less than a mile over flat ground, so I wouldn’t exactly call it a hike.  I just could not pull myself out of my funk.  And even stranger still, I didn’t want to talk about it.  To be fair, they are used to me being upset over guys or just being depressed in general. They inquired, but didn’t really seem interested in my answer.  So I didn’t speak much and they didn’t press the issue.  They made plans to go out for ice cream afterwards.  I told them that I’d pass and drove home.

I tried to nap.  I tried very hard to get tired, but I just couldn’t.  I begged God, the Universe, whoever to let me sleep, to give me insights as I slept, and to allow me to awake in less emotional pain.  Well, I did sleep.  I felt like I was given wisdom as I slept, but forgot it when I awoke.  I awoke with the same amount of emotional pain.  Here’s the weird thing.  Even though I’m feeling all of this pain over Carl, I still have some sort of odd faith in him.  Like I know we’re going to be together eventually and that this pain is only temporary.  It didn’t help the pain for today, however.

I forced myself to get up, to cook food for the next few days.  It was very difficult.  In between cooking, I chatted with Steve, who I was looking forward to seeing on Tuesday.  I told him about my issues.  I told him about the possibility of hooking up with Kyle.  I told him that I felt like Carl was the one and how it almost felt like cheating on him, even though Carl himself said he’s not ready for anything with me.  I felt like an asshole anyway and it hasn’t even happened yet.  Steve offered himself if I was looking for any action of that sort.  I inwardly groaned.  Did all of my single male friends secretly want to sleep with me!?

I knew that I wanted to be with Carl and only Carl.  I knew that Carl wasn’t ready.  Hooking up with other guys was a sort of a panacea, a band-aid to cover the hole in my heart.  I knew that Carl wouldn’t be hooking up with anyone else.  So why was I?  To make myself feel better about the fact that he’s not ready to be in a relationship with me?   I didn’t know.  And I was actually considering hooking up with Steve too.  What was wrong with me?  I probably wouldn’t hook up with Steve, but I was seriously thinking about Kyle.

I smoked way too many cigarettes and stayed up way too late chatting with Steve and Kyle online.  I tried texting Carl again.  Message failed to send, again.

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