Thursday June 23, 2016

I awoke very early.  Chandra was having an early morning meditation class and she requested that I attend and help out.  She had some students who had been taking classes for a while now and they were just moving on to the next phase of meditating, the phase I was on. When I awoke, I decided to stop talking to Carl for a day or two.  I thought it would be useful for many reasons.  It would give him the time to figure out what he felt.  It would give him time to (hopefully) miss me.  It would give me time to lick my wounds.  It would also prevent me from doing various things to manipulate him and the situation, which my pain might make me want to do.

I arrived at Chandra’s house early, by her request, about 10 minutes before 6am, when the others were scheduled to arrive.  She put on some meditation music and I started to meditate.  I heard someone come in, but they just walked in and started to meditate as well.  It seemed like the meditation was going on for a long time, but nobody else had arrived.  She must have been waiting for others who never showed up.

We listened in silence to her class and then she left to prepare a small breakfast for us, which was very kind of her.  His name was Shane.  He looked to be about my age or a little younger, both of which surprised me.  Usually the people who are interested in spirituality classes are women and they’re older.  We got to chatting and it turns out that he’s living one of my dreams.  I asked him question after question, trying to get the minutiae of how he did certain things.  He asked me about this path of spirituality, complained of the vegetarianism, and I confessed to also being a meat-eater!  I really enjoyed chatting with him, but Chandra returned with the food and insisted in keeping the conversation on spiritual matters.

Chandra asked a question, but I had the answer on my phone.  I had to turn it on and look at it.  I found a text from Carl saying he had feelings of more than just friendship for me, but that he didn’t know what they were.  To my way of thinking, if they’re more than just friendship, they’re romantic feelings.  What he didn’t know was what he wanted to do about them.  Or maybe he was having a difficult time quantifying them.  My feelings for him felt so different than those I have felt for anyone else.  Maybe he was having a similar difficulty.  Maybe I was just quicker at figuring it out.  I thought about how unfair it was to just go silent on him a day or two.  I posted on Facebook that I was going to turn off my phone for a couple of days since I was relying on it too much.  I told my Facebook friends that they could still get in touch with me via e-mail or Facebook messenger, which I would still check from time to time. I know Carl’s not on Facebook that much, but I hoped he would check it to see what was going on with me when he didn’t hear from me all day.

Me and Shane both told Chandra that we would return next Thursday.  I was so surprised at having found some guy I had so much in common with upon such short acquaintance. I told myself that it was stupid.  I told myself that I was just reacting to Carl and to wait and see what the next few days would bring. I shouldn’t jump at the first guy I see because I was feeling hurt and unsure.

When I got home, I went back to sleep for four hours.  I woke up, checked my Facebook (there wasn’t much to see), and went back to sleep.  I woke up again around 4:30pm.  I really needed to figure out why I was sleeping so much.  My head felt foggy, but I forced myself to get up and go food shopping, smoking on the way there and back.  I was pleased with having done something useful.  When I arrived home, I just wanted to go back to sleep again.  I decided to try and take some multivitamins and hoped that maybe sleeping so much was just some kind of vitamin deficiency.  I took the multivitamin and got into bed.  I checked Facebook again and decided to make plans for next week.  I decided to go away and visit some of my favorite people who live close to five hours away.  Zak and Danielle didn’t offer their house, so I found another friend, Andrea, who offered hers instead.

It was the town that I used to attend college in so I had a number of friends that remained there.  Steve still lives near there.  Kyle lives there too, even though I didn’t really get to know him until after I graduated.  I think he’s 6 or 7 years younger than me.  But suffice it to say, I was glad to be going among friends.  Here I had nobody unless I wanted to drive for an hour.  It was alone in a house with two cats and my thoughts of Carl.  It seemed like a good idea to me.

Surprisingly, I couldn’t sleep and ended up having  a ton of energy.  I got up, dropped off my laundry, ran a few more errands, put the laundry in the dryer, and came home to wait.  I was actually happy.  I wondered if my problem with the excess sleeping was a simple vitamin deficiency.

I also got to thinking about Carl and how it really sounded like he was scared.  He probably wasn’t ready to be in a relationship of any sort.  I decided that if he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship that I would wait for him, but I wouldn’t do so idly.  I decided that if he wouldn’t commit, why should I?  I could hook up with other guys.  It seemed like a viable alternative.  Don’t get me wrong, I was much more interested in a stable, loving relationship that I think Carl and I could have together.  However, at least I could fool around and have some fun while he made up his mind. And if Carl takes his time about being ready to commit to anything, my random hookups can change to be dates.  I know Carl is the one, but that doesn’t mean that he’s ready to be the one yet.

I wasn’t too far into this mindset before Kyle propositioned me with the thought of hooking up when I came up to visit.  Kyle knew everything that was going on with Chris.  He was still hurting over his ex.  It seemed perfect.  We were both looking to get some and neither of us was likely to fall for the other one and create problems.  The distance also made it unlikely that anything would come of it. I was excited.  Maybe this could happen when I went to that big hiking event later in this summer.  Not necessarily with Kyle, but with someone.  I was also hoping that it would help Carl along, to know that there was the possibility of me hooking up with other guys.  I would have to wait until I decided to talk to him again to figure it out.

I started getting horny thinking about it and then feeling guilty since I had not yet talked to Carl.  I had to pick up my laundry before the place closed.  When I got home, Kyle was still online and we proceeded to have cyber sex?  I think that’s the term for it.  I hoped this wouldn’t make things awkward when I actually see him.  I also kind of hoped that I’d get to hook up with him too.  We both fell asleep not long afterwards.

Mood: varied

Meditation: 30 minutes


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