Wednesday June 22, 2016

I awoke with a message from Carl, “Morning beautiful”.  I responded in kind with, “Morning cutie.”  It’s funny, I didn’t think he was cute at first, but now I do.  His eyes, his smile, the cute noises he makes when I kiss his neck, and the sweet things he says to me.  We chatted a little.  He sent me kisssy face emojis and I told him I wished they were real.  He said he wished the same.  We didn’t chat much because he had to work.

I drove the 2.5 hours it took to get to Rachel’s house.  We mostly talked about our current guy situations.  We chatted a little about work, but we’re both alike in the fact that we really don’t have much of a social life.  Really, I had a difficult time finding anything of interest to talk about with her.  But we ate lunch out, we went clothes shopping, we hung out on her back porch smoking cigarettes.  Yes, I know I had quit, but I bummed a few from her anyway.

I was driving home again when I got a message from Carl.  He was told me about his day at work and I told him about my day with Rachel.  We had been watching our favorite show together.  We’d start it at the same time and then text each other about what was going on, our theories, etc. We decided we’d watch the latest episode together when I got home.  Hearing some of Rachel’s difficulties made me think that maybe that one inconsistency with Carl was not a big deal.  Maybe he just didn’t want to publicize the fact that we were together until we were “Facebook official”.  I was enjoying talking to him and was particularly complimentary.  I noticed that today, however, he wasn’t returning any of the compliments.

I got home, we put on our favorite show, and chatted about it.  In the middle of it, Kyle came on and started chatting with me.  I went back and forth between Carl and Kyle.  Carl and I continued chatting about our favorite theories as to what would happen next.  I introduced my favorite romance idea and he negated it.  But the subject of romance had been brought up and I decided to tell him how I felt.  For a long time Carl had always told me he was willing to wait until I was comfortable, but never went on to say what he was waiting for me to be comfortable with.  I had assumed he meant being with him, an eventual relationship.  I told him that he no longer had to wait, that I knew what I wanted.  I told him that I wanted him.  I wanted to be with him and only him.  He thanked me for telling him what I felt and appreciated how vulnerable what must have made me feel.  I saw that as a bad sign.  I requested to know how he felt.  It was too late now, so I supposed I better get it over with.  He said he had feelings for me, but he didn’t know what kind.  I asked if they were feelings of friendship or something more.  He never responded.

I tried to cry, but got very few tears out.  I was still chatting sporadically with Kyle and told him what was going on.  I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one.  When I got home, Kyle said he had to go to sleep and suggested that I do the same. Eventually, I did.


Mood – varied

Meditation – none

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