Sunday June 19, 2016

I awoke early and realized that I needed to ignore my fears.  My emotion for Carl is already there, so even if I were to pull away now, I would still get hurt.  I might as well throw myself into it whole heartedly.  Either way, I would get hurt, but at least throwing myself into it, trying and trusting him. I will, at least, be able to give it a chance.  And that’s what I resolved to do.

I fell back asleep soon afterwards.   I spent a good portion of the day in a daze or sleeping, interspersed with some reading, chatting, or checking out Facebook. Finally, around 4:00pm, I managed to drag myself out of bed.  I attempted to do what I could to make my apartment look decent. Carl had to come later today and I expected him around 8:00.  I got almost everything done, I had no energy to do any more, and I started to feel anxious, so I started to play my guitar.  It helped with the anxiousness and I played for the next 40 minutes.  I was hoping he’d arrive in the middle of my playing and be impressed.  Instead, I finished playing through the music book and was looking for another book when he came to the door.

Carl looked different again.  He had cut his hair to a shorter, and, in my opinion, a less flattering cut.  His face looked younger, though, and he was wearing contacts.  How is it that he looks so different every time that I see him?  I was surprised to see him, disappointed that he didn’t come in and marvel at my playing, and I felt a little embarrassed and shy.  We sat down on the couch and started to talk.  He put his arm around me and immediately there was that feeling of belonging again.  It was soothing and calming like coming home after a long journey.

We talked, looking into each others’ eyes.  I think this was the first opportunity we had to do so where he wasn’t wearing his glasses and I wasn’t wearing sunglasses.  I still liked to look at his eyes and there was a pleasure knowing he was enjoying doing the same with me.  He kissed me a few times.  Each time it was more and more difficult to stop kissing him.  I have tried to explain his kisses in the past and failed miserably.  Every kiss made me want it to lead to another, despite the emotions were calm and cool.  It’s not that there weren’t emotions, it’s just that they seemed to be relaxed, as if they would have forever to feel this way and that they weren’t in any hurry.  Again, that doesn’t make much sense.

We made our way to the bedroom again.  I had made sure to leave a lamp on so there would be lighting, albeit dim.  We kissed for a long time.  Eventually, our clothes started to come off and I actually got to look at his body. Objectively, it wasn’t a perfect body, but then again neither was mine.  It had a scar from his gall bladder being removed.  He had body hair.  He didn’t have a six-pack.  But I didn’t care because it was his.  One of the best things things about him in bed is that his enjoyment is obvious.  There is nothing so sexy as a guy who so clearly enjoys things, at least, in my opinion

I was a little nervous having sex with him, but it didn’t stop me from orgasming the first time we did it.  In fact, we both orgasmed at the same time.  I had guys who eventually managed to get the timing down for that, but this was the first time we really had sex.  It was rare enough for me to orgasm the first time I was with a guy (I honestly can’t recall if it’s happened before), but I have never managed to do it at the same time as guy the first time we had sex.  We cuddled for a while longer.  I knew he had to leave, but I enjoyed the feel of him too much!  Eventually, he did leave, among kisses and a promise that he would text me when he got home.

I laid awake in bed thinking about my time spent with him, wishing he was still there, and wondering when he would officially be my boyfriend.


Mood – varied

Medatation – none

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