Monday June 20, 2016

I awoke early.  It only took me a few hours to get out of bed today, which was impressive compared to yesterday!  I even took a walk after I got up.  I did end up procrastinating, so I didn’t get much else done.  I need to start making a walk my priority in the mornings, I think.

I had a lot of plans for today.  My first set of plans were with a hiking acquaintance.  I’m not sure why he asked me out to lunch, but I was hoping it was as friends.  It was awkward, but I tried to be as affable as possible. As soon as I saw him, he opened his arms wide.  It was an unmistakable invitation for a hug.  I’m not terribly physical with people unless I know them really well, so that already made me uncomfortable.  I gave him a half-hearted, one-armed hug.   We really didn’t have much in common.  Once the topics of trails and work was exhausted, our conversation lacked for substance. When he tried to pay, I insisted on paying for my half.  I had even brought cash specifically for that purpose. When we left, he spread out his arms again.  This time my hug was more genuine because I was happy to see him go and have the awkwardness over.

I had made plans with my friend Meagan afterwards.  It was mostly as a fail-safe.  If this guy thought he was on a date, Megan told me to just tell him I had plans with her at whatever time I wanted to leave.  We, of course, had plans to hang out afterwards at some indeterminate time.  As soon as the lunch was over, I gave hear a call.  Megan is in her late 60s, early 70s. She is retired and very active in environmentalism. She has short gray hair and a slim build.  We walked around the town a bit, got smoothies at a local coffee shop, and sat down for awhile in a scenic spot to admire it.  She regales me with tales of some of the more interesting protests she had taken part in, stories of her two marriages, and told me about her three kids.  I told her about Carl and she said she was very happy for me.  I took a few pictures of her and she scenery.  On a whim, I took a selfie as well.  I didn’t really even look at it.

I also heard back from Carl.  He did have some spare time after work, so I took him to a nearby spot that only locals knew about.  I used to be local there, which is how I knew about it.  As soon as he got in my car, I held his hand, which he placed on my leg.  As we walked on the trail, he held my hand again.  He really was starting to behave like my boyfriend and I loved it! We arrived at our destination, a waterfall.  I should have known that on a hot day like today that there would be other people there.  In fact, we were the only ones there not wearing swimsuits.  We waded. We chatted and joked.  We found excuses for touching each other until he drew me in and kissed him.  I’m not typically one who shows displays of affection in public.  The way I saw it, was that nobody wanted to see that.  But when he kissed me, I didn’t care.  I felt a little like we were being stared at (we probably weren’t), but it didn’t matter.  I just wanted to keep kissing him.  We probably looked a bit silly.  I think we were the oldest people there, with our pants rolled up, wading into the water and just standing there, arms around each other, kissing.  We spent a good portion of the rest of our time at the waterfalls kissing.  I felt a little self-conscious just because I had never kissed anyone like that in front of other people before.  But I really couldn’t help it.  Once he kissed me, I just wanted to keep kissing him back.

I took some photos of the waterfalls and the trail.  I took a few of Carl and asked if I could post it on Facebook (it’s a standard question I ask everyone who I take pictures of).  He agreed, stating that he never went on Facebook, so it didn’t really matter.  We held hands, put our arms around each other, and occasionally stopped to kiss each other on our way back to my car.  He started to joke around with me a lot.  I tend to take myself pretty seriously and tried to adopt a playful air as much as I could.  It was fun until he introduced the fact that the way to get me to do something was to tell me not to do it or that I couldn’t do it.  How contrary was my nature!?  He proved it by saying something like that and I immediately wanted to to it!  It surprised me, because I did not realize this about my nature. Also, I found myself reacting to his teasing in very odd ways.  Sometimes I wanted to playfully shove him, sometimes I gave it back to him, sometimes it struck a chord that I couldn’t define.  I had dated guys before who were too meek and just did whatever I wanted them to.  They got boring.  I had dated guys who were very aggressive and almost never did what I wanted them to.  They oddly lasted longer.  But here was a guy who seemed to be a good mix of both.  In addition, I found myself regaining some of my nature that I had lost.  I remembered being random and silly and sometimes enjoying childish pursuits when me and my ex-husband had gotten together.  I had forgotten that about myself.  He helped me to remember.

I drove him back to his car, feeling very confident about his feelings for me.  I felt confident that we would be together for a long time to come.  I wondered if maybe he already thought of myself as his girlfriend.

When I got home, I posted the pictures to Facebook, making sure to tag him and Megain.  I asked him when we would hang out again.  He didn’t know.  He would be gone the whole weekend helping his mom out with something.  I was disappointed and asked him if we could hang out after his work on another day this week.  He wasn’t sure.  I was disappointed and warned him that I was going camping the weekend after.  I invited him to come with me, but he though he already had promised his sister that he would take his niece to the zoo on one of those days.  He was so unhelpful, I told him that I would leave it up to him when we would hang out again.  I was very tired and fell asleep after his brief response of assent.

Mood – Good

Meditation – none


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