Saturday June 18, 2016

I awoke early, but kept going back to sleep.  I had offered to help out at a school fundraiser today.  I got out of bed at the last possible minute and drove down there.  I was tired, but somehow had no problems smiling at my students when I ran into them. When I got home, I climbed back into bed and slept more.

I woke up groggy and in a bad brain fog.  I talked with Kyle and he was in the same boat.  We both made an agreement that in 10 minutes we would both be out of bed, dressed, and outside to do some kind of workout.  He went running and I started my walk.  Slowly, but surely, I felt the brain fog dissipate.  If I had gone for a shorter walk, it probably wouldn’t have been as beneficial.

When I got home, I worked on strengthening my core.  I took a break and looked on Facebook.  I knew Carl had gone to a carnival with his father and sister for father’s day.  I saw some pictures posted.  I had known his sister a little in school and remembered her as being a bitch.  Among the pictures, there was one with him posed with another woman.  And she was closer to him in that picture than his sister was to him in another one.  I felt jealous.  I felt disappointed.  I felt uneasy about whatever it was I had with Carl.  I mean, we never stated that we were exclusive.  But he treated me like a girlfriend online.  He was always asking how I was, calling me beautiful, and just being sweet, in general.  I didn’t think I had cause to question it until now.  I knew his schedule was busy, but what if it was just because he was seeing other women too?

I decided to be rational about it.  I asked who he had gone to the carnival with.  He responded that he went with his father and sister and that they ran into a bunch of friends while they were there.  Dammit.  I was going to have to go there.  I told him I saw the pics on Facebook and told him the one had made me feel a little jealous.  That still didn’t procure the desired reassurance.  He was simply flattered that I’d be jealous.  I finally told him I had hoped for some reassurance, so he mentioned that she was just a friend of his and his sisters.

This made me think.  Since we clearly aren’t exclusive, how do I find out if he wants to be exclusive with me? I tried a few times to ask what he wanted from me and his response was always “To spend time with you.”  I tried asking for specifics and that was all he replied.  I think he feels the same way, but I’m afraid of asking him and looking foolish.  Or even worse, to have him tell me that he doesn’t feel that way about me.

Suddenly all of my fears with him returned tenfold.  What if he really was an asshole? What if he hurts me?  What if he fucks me up worse than my ex-husband did? I laid down with these thoughts still bouncing around in my mind.  Eventually, I went to sleep.

Mood – varied

Meditation – walking 40 minutes


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